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Topic : 04/15 "Desperate for My Daughter"

Number of Replies: 71
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Created on : Friday, April 11, 2008, 08:19:27 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Raising children is no easy task, and even your best efforts can backfire. Adrienne knows about this pain firsthand. She says her 17-year-old daughter, Angela, was an honor student with dreams of becoming a doctor, but she ran away and is now a prostitute. Angela has only attended school for four or five months since 2005, is now pregnant and says it’s better on the streets than at home. Bishop T.D. Jakes, author of Reposition Yourself, has a one-on-one chat with the troubled teen. Find out what Angela experienced on the run, and why she is so reluctant to reconcile with her mom. Then, Adrienne hasn’t seen her daughter in five months, and they face off on Dr. Phil's stage. Tempers flare, and Angela threatens to leave the show. Is their relationship ruined forever, or will the teen make peace with her mom? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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April 15, 2008, 2:56 pm CDT

Dr Phill is off the wall about the smoking

  He thinks that smoking will be totally detrimental to a pregnant woman.  While it is not the healthiest way to carry through a pregnancy - my mother smoked with all six of her children and none have any side effects - no respiretory conditions - no low birth weights.  Myself, has had four children, including twins, and I have also smoked.  All are healthy and no low birthweights - even my twins were not pre-mature.  Dr Phill is an idiot to care about someone's smoking - while they are dealing with such larger issues as drug use.  Target the serious subjects already!  I love Dr Phill, but he'd do well to chill out with a nice Merlot and maybe a cigar!  Dodie
 
April 15, 2008, 3:06 pm CDT

You're so young!

Quote From: jprimous

I am 25 yrs old and have been through most of the same issues as this mother and daughter. As a teen, I did not become promiscuous nor do drugs YET I did loose trust in my mother and we even got into a physical altercation where I pulled a knife on her. I am not proud of that YET I can TOTALLY relate to what they are going through and its very difficult to get the entire story on national television with such short time!

There is PAIN from the mother that stems from her abuse. My mom was raped at a young age and I am the result of that violent act. I am a lifetime reminder of the day she lost her life and thats painful for her. Being AA, I have found that proper counseling in NOT popular in the black community- we tend to turn to RELIGIOUS rituals and NOT communicate!

The daughter is in a place where she honestly believes she is an adult and can make the right choices YET shes continuing to smoke while shes pregnant. NOT to mention her relationship is statutory rape AND hes only 21... They are both children!

A LOT of the deep issues stem from RELIGIOUS and TRADITIONAL ideas that dont work! I pray for them both and I wish I could sit down and talk to both of them and let them know there is LIFE!

  I'm so sorry for what you've lived through.  I have a 25 yr old daughter, myself.  Hey it doesn't matter what your life stemmed from - it's as valuable as ANY other!  I wish the best to you!  Dodie

 
April 15, 2008, 3:29 pm CDT

WHAT ABOUT TRUST?!?!

     Dr. Phil - WHAT ABOUT TRUST?

 Why does a 17 yr old runaway get to "wipe the slate clean" and not have to be accountable for what she has done - and not have to EARN back the trust of her mother. I know that situation is frustrating. I know that mother's world has been turned upside and her stomach inside out. I know because I am in a similar, yet different situation with my daughters.  Josh McDowell, speaking of this current  generation states, "Alarming as it may be, the fact is the majority of our young people today - even the brightest and bsst of them - beiieve that the act of believing makes things true."  In other words, they create their own reality.  They lie about how things were at home and actually believe their own lies over obvious, concrete evidence to disprove it.  If they believe it then it is true - regardless of  the facts. I've been there. I'm still there. My heart goes out to both the Mom and daughter. They both need help, but then the daughter needs to come clean with the mother and be willing to EARN back the trust lost so long ago.
 
April 15, 2008, 3:55 pm CDT

been there done that

I was 20 when I ran away from home that was over protective and overbearing to something 10 times worse.  I can understand partially what the 17 year old may have been feeling and thinking.  I also see my mom doing the same things in front of me, that the girl's mom did, crying, begging, pleading, on tv today. 

 

I didn't listen then either and it took me nine years and two kids later to finally get rid of their father, who was very manipulative pyschologically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually (yes there is such a thing), verbally, and physically.  He was into Eastern Indian spirituality and is psychotic manic depressive who will not take his medication.  He made me participate in horrid events and blamed things that went wrong in his life because I slept, thought of anything else other than him, talked, breathed, lived.  I am a 30 year type I diabetic.  He kept from me:  insulin shots,  food, water, heat,  restroom and sleep, contact with other people, jobs, outside world, and my daughter. 

 

 

The statement made on the show today alarmed me for the young lady's safety, and the safety of her unborn child.  It would be something my ex would have said.  Thank God he did not.  the part about "he needed to destroy her ID in case he had to **** her, so that no one could find out who she was".  I hope this young lady will realize she is caring for another life inside her.  I was not pregnant during the bad times.  That would have been hard. 

 

People have to realize also this girl is only 17 years old.  And how soon does the part of the brain develop that houses the emotions part, and the ability to understand or see from another's point of view? Understand their feelings?  That is the question I have for Dr. Phil.  And I beg pardon Sir, not every mother sided with this girl's mom today, like you said.  And why is anyone saving or copying my response while I am typing it?  Is it that noteworthy?  Why do you think I don't use certain words even in quotation marks?  I shall never respond again because of this msg being saved.  Thanks.  thank w if the Dr. Phil show is NOT doing it.    i will still watch the show. 

 
April 15, 2008, 4:02 pm CDT

I completely understand the daughter!!!

I grew up in a home that sounds pretty similar.  Everything was always about my mom and her moods.  When you grow up with someone who is self-focused and always the victim...you are never cared for appropriately.  My mom brags about the fact that she grew up with me.  She parented me to try and correct the difficult childhood she had.  I feel for this young lady and I pray that she will get the help she needs to heal and become a responsible and blesed adult.  This mom - Adrienne - needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and defending her daughter's childhood. Stop being upset for herself and ask how she can love and care for her daughter. 

 

I also was molested by a family member for a few years in my childhood and still to this day (I confronted my mom with the truth 4 years ago) my mother blames me for the length of time it went on because I didn't tell her.  I didn't feel safe to tell her.  She said that my personality radically changed in elementary school and she couldn't understand why I didn't love her.  I was a child and of course my personality would change because of the sexual abuse.  Instead of investigating and loving me even when I was difficult, my mom felt sorry for herself and told me she didn't need me anyway.  I was only 12 when she said that to me. 

 

As an adult I am working toward healing and determined to parent my children for their best interests...they don't have my baggage and they deserve a childhood of love and security whether they are alway nice to me or not!!!

 
April 15, 2008, 4:21 pm CDT

Shame

Quote From: jamandkim

I grew up in a home that sounds pretty similar.  Everything was always about my mom and her moods.  When you grow up with someone who is self-focused and always the victim...you are never cared for appropriately.  My mom brags about the fact that she grew up with me.  She parented me to try and correct the difficult childhood she had.  I feel for this young lady and I pray that she will get the help she needs to heal and become a responsible and blesed adult.  This mom - Adrienne - needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and defending her daughter's childhood. Stop being upset for herself and ask how she can love and care for her daughter. 

 

I also was molested by a family member for a few years in my childhood and still to this day (I confronted my mom with the truth 4 years ago) my mother blames me for the length of time it went on because I didn't tell her.  I didn't feel safe to tell her.  She said that my personality radically changed in elementary school and she couldn't understand why I didn't love her.  I was a child and of course my personality would change because of the sexual abuse.  Instead of investigating and loving me even when I was difficult, my mom felt sorry for herself and told me she didn't need me anyway.  I was only 12 when she said that to me. 

 

As an adult I am working toward healing and determined to parent my children for their best interests...they don't have my baggage and they deserve a childhood of love and security whether they are alway nice to me or not!!!

Children often will not report abuse to their parent out of shame.  They fear that they did something wrong.  The parent then turning around and placing ANY blame on the child reinforces that the child was right in the first place.  I am sorry that happened to you.  You told as soon as you felt that you could.  You are brave and have done nothing wrong.  I still have not told my mother I was molested and I am 46.
 
April 15, 2008, 4:23 pm CDT

been there done that

I also had a teenage daughter who would do everything possible to buck the system.  I also was very involved with what went on in her life.  I used all of the techniques that were suggested by psychology professionals.   It got to the point that I was running around cleaning up her messes more than paying attention to my own life.  She also was placing herself in dangerous situations.  I made mistakes, but tried very hard to do the right thing.  I finally realized that it was time to let it all go.   I decided to just walk the other way and let her make her own mistakes.  I began to give to her the type of advice that I would give a friend or acquaintance.  She ended up in a dangerous abusive situation and pregnant.  I left it up to her to get herself out of her own mess.  She is now more in control of her own decisions and life.  She is still with the abuser and now has another child, but she has taken responsibility for her actions and decisions.  They are working on preventing the abuse and trying to make a home for the children, my grandchildren.  I think that my over involvement in her life made the problems worse.  The problems were going to be there wheather I tried to clean them up or not, so I stopped cleaning them up.  I still worry some about her situation, but I have to let it go.  We all make our own decisions, right or wrong.
 
April 15, 2008, 4:44 pm CDT

04/15 "Desperate for My Daughter"

Quote From: babymama121106

I'm 18 i will be 19 next month. I will be having a baby come June 8th. I smoke and my doctor even knows that and all my doctor has done is asked me to calm down. He didn't not tell me i have to quit cold turkey but he asked me not to do it as much and i know by being pregnant its hard to stop like that.Because i have smoked since i was 13 and yes i tried when i found out i was pregnant but its not that easy. so you cant tell her she has to stop cause shes pregnant she just needs to know she cant do it as much as she did before.and as long as she does that she will be ok
You, are wrong. 100% wrong.

Stop being a selfish little kid, grow the hell up and quit smoking for that baby in your body..."babymama"...seriously, do you little kids having babies think it's a big damn joke or something? If you can't bring yourself to give up your little ciggies now "babymama" then I can't wait until the HARD stuff comes up.


 
April 15, 2008, 5:03 pm CDT

Wake Up Mom

 After watching this show, I think Adrienne needs a wake up call.  Her daughter has disengaged with her.  Whether she thinks it is justified or not is immaterial, it is obviously the case.  By the end of the show, I had pretty much had it with her myself.  She needs to quit thinking about what she wants for everyone and earn her way back into her daughter's life.  That would be best for both of them, and if she cares half as much about her daughter as she claims, she'll realize it isn't about her needs or perspective, but what her daughter, and soon to be grand daughter, need.  Dr. Phil and the Bishop made important progress, and Dr. Phil was prescient when he said that trying to put them together now would end up in a self-destructive situation. 

I can relate to Angela's mindset.  In my younger years, I had a similar fallout with my mother (although those conditions were not so threatening).  I perceived that my mother was disrespectful and inconsiderate about things that affected me.  I remember the feeling of disassociation; it was profound and complete.  I saw this same disconnect with Adrienne's daughter.  Angela has emotionally separated from her mother.  It will be hard for Adrienne to work her way back.  It can be done, but she needs to learn to listen more and talk less.

After some period of isolation from my mother, she made an unselfish effort to do something for me that did not benefit her in any way.  She had to work to know that what she was about to do would mean as much to me as it did.  She made the effort completely on her own, and made all the arrangement without a hint of her involvement.  I had to hunt to find out how I ended up with such a thoughtful gift.  It was not an extravagant item, but something I would not get for myself.  My mother showed great courage and compassion to do what she did.  I showed up at her door the next day with all love for my mother completely restored.  We had a great relationship from that time on until she finally passed.  Fortunately, there were many years of shared happy memories.  I would have missed so much had she not made that effort.

I hope there is a hint in my story for Adrienne.

My best to both Angela and Adrienne, so much is on the line right now.

Cheers,

Donal



 
April 15, 2008, 5:10 pm CDT

04/15 "Desperate for My Daughter"

Dear Mom, your daughter is beautiful, you speak of faith, please think of Easter and the first person to see Jesus that beautiful morning, Mary, and he asked her first to tell of his rising,  Jesus sees your daughter this way and I hope you do too.  Please see one another this way, she does have a beautiful name with Angel in it.
 
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