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Topic : 04/15 "Desperate for My Daughter"

Number of Replies: 71
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Created on : Friday, April 11, 2008, 08:19:27 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Raising children is no easy task, and even your best efforts can backfire. Adrienne knows about this pain firsthand. She says her 17-year-old daughter, Angela, was an honor student with dreams of becoming a doctor, but she ran away and is now a prostitute. Angela has only attended school for four or five months since 2005, is now pregnant and says it’s better on the streets than at home. Bishop T.D. Jakes, author of Reposition Yourself, has a one-on-one chat with the troubled teen. Find out what Angela experienced on the run, and why she is so reluctant to reconcile with her mom. Then, Adrienne hasn’t seen her daughter in five months, and they face off on Dr. Phil's stage. Tempers flare, and Angela threatens to leave the show. Is their relationship ruined forever, or will the teen make peace with her mom? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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April 15, 2008, 8:48 pm CDT

There is hope Mom!

I resonated with you and your daughter. My daughter was and still is very opinionated and stubborn. Unlike me. We had some of the same issues because I thought I could control her, and she ..in my mind was the sweet little girl I had dreamed of . The problems started very early on. She was very beautiful and smart. Now she is 33, we have repaired out relationship, it is too much to go over here. I did not know how much layed under the rug until I became divorced and was in need, and had to live with her. The issues came out, and I was very much unaware of what was deep inside. Much turmoil ensued. However, now I am the proud grandmother of 2 of her children. I was not  accepted before because of out past relationship when she was a teen. Now she shares everything with me. Just pray, back off, keep your opinions to yourself and pray some more. I lost a son 25 yrs old to murder so I know every parent wishes to be the best they can be before it is to late. Love dnana
 
April 15, 2008, 10:27 pm CDT

Regretable Understanding

I feel bad for Angela. She reminded me of myself at 20. I know and understand why she was emotionless, while he mother crying. Its not always the child.  Adrienne seems to be unwilling to truly acknowledge what she as done to emotional, verbally & physically abuse her child. 

 

Adrienne, like my mother, gives the appearance of being a loving and nurturing parent who would  "sacrifice" everything for their children like an oasis in this big, dangerous world but it only a mirage. Home can be a war zone filled with emotional starvation, constant  berating and physical despair.

 

.

 
April 16, 2008, 4:37 am CDT

04/15 "Desperate for My Daughter"

I think when you watch a TV show like this or hear a situation, we automatically think what we would do in  the situation which may or may not work because I think there is alot of factors not to mention being in Jr High or High School and all the bullying peer presure comments that are said day to day 5 days a week that puts kids in a tugofwar with their parents values.

 

I also think the way this story came accross it tried to blame Angela's behavior on #1 the attack and #2 the long spanking event. 

 

I think there are 2 extremes with discipline: you are in the grocery store and this kid is screaming, pushing, talking back, throwing things, doing the tasmanian devil dance, disrupting the line and the mother is going Please sweetheart, darling I am gonna to put you in time out for 10 minutes if you don't stop baby doll(and everyone around is looking at each other, shaking their head saying or giving each other the eye:  that Mama needs to beat that kid!) Ontheotherhand, you have those who spank a child in their own anger problem.

 

One point on spanking by Dr. James Dobson is that he doesn't recommend spanking for over 10 yrs old.  I think this is a very important point.  I think teenagers are miniature adults who challenge you with their impulsive ways... And shock you at times...If this spanking occurred r/t Adrienne finding Angela with a man in the house.... this implies this was a teenage spanking.  (And I agree it was too much and Adrienne agrees.)  I also agree with Dr. Dobson that teenagers are miniature adults and don't think spanking is best for that age.  Like TAKE AWAY THEIR CELL PHONE is a good effective discipline that works on most teenagers.  (I have 3 of them right now) I also like saying:  Great I needed someone to help me with a certain job today.  Great I have a worker now I am glad.  But again I think your kids shock you and put you in dilemma's of what to do and teenagers talk back and can say hurtful things that cut to the heart. 

 

I think Adrienne just needs to remember that Angela is learning lessons from what she is going through and probably when she is 25 yr she is going to think like alot of the things her mother taught her when she was growing up. And she will be stronger against the wild lifestyle because she experience the hard knocks first hand

 

 

 
April 16, 2008, 6:42 am CDT

MISS AMERICA BY DAY - CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

 

Marilyn Van Derbur, a native of Colorado, is one of four daughters of a prominent Denver businessman who is now deceased. Her father was on numerous boards and committees, was honored with buildings named for him, and was president of "all the college fraternities in America." Both parents were active volunteers, donating time and money to culture and civic organizations.

 

Marilyn's earliest memories of her father are of him entering her bed after dark. What came next was repressed for decades until Marilyn realized that her father had committed incest from the time she was five until eighteen, an estimated six hundred times.  All the while, her mother knew. Marilyn tells about her split between the "night child" victim in contrast to the "day child" over-achiever.  Anyone reading her story might experience envy for all the fame and fortune that seemed to come to her so easily and effortlessly.

 

 

Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love by Marilyn Van Derbur


How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm


Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

 

 

Marilyn's mother would often state that she had the "perfect marriage" and Marilyn was told that she was "blessed by being born into a perfect family." Marilyn was crowned Miss America while she was attending the University of Colorado in 1958.

 

Marilyn suffered from physical symptoms including insomnia, tics, anxiety, and panic attacks. When her body and mind rebelled against the constant travel, she experienced full body paralysis, yet doctors found no organic cause. What else might Marilyn be rebelling against? To find the answers she had to search her mind and spirit.  The physical symptoms she had endured were a manifestation of the connection between child sexual abuse and adult ailments. 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

 
April 16, 2008, 6:45 am CDT

WHY REPORT CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE W/IN 72 HOURS

Probably one of the most disturbing facts about child sexual abuse and incest is that in 80% of reported cases, the mother of the victim was aware of the sexual abuse inflicted on the child, yet did little or nothing about it.  Just how responsible is a parent for failing to report or stop the sexual abuse of a child or family member? 

 

If the sexual assault has occurred within 72 hours of a physical examination, forensic evidence collection should be conducted.  A complete physical examination, including careful documentation of any lacerations (a torn or jagged wounds), ecchymoses (skin discoloration caused by the escape of blood into the tissues from ruptured blood vessels) or petechiae (pinpoint size flat round red dots under the skin surface caused from hemorrage - bleeding into the skin), is critical. Physical examination of the oral cavity includes inspection of the hard and soft palate for bruising or petechiae, and inspection of the frenulum (the membrane that attaches the tongue to the floor of the mouth) for any lacerations that can result from forced oral penetration. 

 

Rape evidence collection kits are available in the emergency department of most hospitals. Evaluation of acute sexual assault may be conducted in an emergency department setting or, if available, at a children's advocacy center. In nonacute cases, the office of the family physician has the benefit of being a familiar location for the patient.  The physician should maintain a gentle and calm demeanor and be considerate of the apprehensive child. It is helpful to explain the examination beforehand to the patient and caretaker.

 

Medical problems include anogential (anal) trauma, bleeding, irritation or discharge, dysuria (painful or difficult urination), frequent urinary tract infections, encopresis (repeated passing of feces into places other than the toilet), enuresis (repeated passing of urine into places other than the toilet), pregnancy, diagnosis of a sexually transmitted disease (STD) and oral trauma

 

Children may present with somatic (muscles and nerves) complaints such as recurrent agdominal pain or frequent headaches resulting from the psychologic stress.  Sexual acting-out behavior is the most specific indicator of possible sexual abuse.

 

Child sexual abuse generally refers to sexual acts, sexually motivated behaviors, or sexual exploitation involving children. Child sexual abuse includes a wide range of behaviors, such as: 

  • Oral, anal, or genital penile penetration

  • Anal or genital digital or other penetration

  • Genital contact with no intrusion

  • Fondling of a child's breasts or buttocks

  • Indecent exposure

  • Inadequate or inappropriate supervision of a child's voluntary sexual activities

  • Use of a child in prostitution, pornography, Internet crimes, or other sexually exploitative activities

Sexual abuse includes both touching offenses (fondling or sexual intercourse) and nontouching offenses (exposing a child to pornographic materials) and can involve varying degrees of violence and emotional trauma.  

 

The most commonly reported cases involve incest, or sexual abuse occurring among family members, including those in biological families, adoptive families, and stepfamilies. Incest most often occurs within a father-daughter relationship.  

 

Mother-son, father-son, and sibling-sibling incest also occurs. Sexual abuse is also sometimes committed by other relatives or caretakers. In fifty percent of reported child sexual abuse within families the perpetrator was an older sibling.

 

Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the child

  • Has difficulty walking or sitting

  • Suddenly refuses to change for gym or to participate in physical activities

  • Reports nightmares or bedwetting

  • Experiences a sudden change in appetite

  • Demonstrates bizarre, sophisticated, or unusual sexual knowledge or behavior

  • Becomes pregnant or contracts a venereal disease, particularly if under age 14

  • Runs away

  • Reports sexual abuse by a parent or another adult caregiver

Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the parent or other adult caregiver

  • Is unduly protective of the child or severely limits the child's contact with other children, especially of the opposite sex

  • Is secretive and isolated

  • Is jealous or controlling with family members 

The presence of a single sign does not prove child abuse is occurring in a family; however, when these signs appear repeatedly or in combination you should take a closer look at the situation and consider the possibility of child sexual abuse. 


Search State statues for issues related to child abuse and neglect, child welfare, and adoption:

www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/


Hope it helps!


 

 
April 16, 2008, 7:39 am CDT

more child rearing thots

One thing I would say about my Dad is he had a stern or angry voice when something was wrong or you were in trouble, but he was happy and involved in activity with the kids when nothing was wrong or noone was misbehaving.  (your typical sports Dad or anything you would find in the sporting goods dept.)  I want to share one event that happened although.  I would not call my Dad violent, BUT.... one weekend my Dad and Mom decided to Wallpaper and redo my teenage brother's room.  They spent the money, They spent the Time yada yada.... Well  I don't know what day it was... but they hardly had completed the project and my brother decided to THROW DARTS at the newly wall papered wall putting 1,000 dart holes in it....  OH MY GOD!!  everybody take cover.... My Dad punched my brother and I don't remember where, but MY DAD broke his own hand and had to go to the Emergency Room for treatment.... and he lied.  I don't know what he said happened....  but these are the types of things I think that you don't learn what to do about in parenting class.  Honestly I think this would upset anyone and all would react in different ways.....  What would you do?  The event really didn't wreck their relationship. My brother realized he should have been in trouble  at the time...but an impulsive response on my Dad's part.  They are best friends today.  And my brother has a kid now who is doing destructive things to his house.... and now he understands how his Dad felt....  I am sure once Angela has her baby she will become closer to her mother.

 
April 16, 2008, 7:50 am CDT

Mother and Daughter

I wonder if the mother had tried to provide any sort of counseling for her daughter after she was sexually assaulted as a teenager. I dont remember hearing anything about that, or did I miss it? The daughter may have felt a huge feeling of abandonment because of that.

 

Merely as an outsider, I can really kind of see both sides of this story.

 
April 16, 2008, 7:50 am CDT

Self centered mom

 Dr. Phil,

I was concerned while watching this show that each time the mom spoke, she made it all about herself, something you seemed to take no note of.  Where was the concern about the child?  I found myself sympathizing with the daughter and applauding her decision not to move back in with her mom. If the mom thinks only of herself, it is a toxic situation for the daughter.
 
April 16, 2008, 8:02 am CDT

04/15 "Desperate for My Daughter"

Quote From: txcindy1

 Dr. Phil,

I was concerned while watching this show that each time the mom spoke, she made it all about herself, something you seemed to take no note of.  Where was the concern about the child?  I found myself sympathizing with the daughter and applauding her decision not to move back in with her mom. If the mom thinks only of herself, it is a toxic situation for the daughter.

It sounds to me the Mom in this situation did the best she could with what she had. She only wanted the best for her  daughter, and perhaps went a bit too far. I would have seeked some council after her rape.

 I too found myself in a simular situation with my daughter. She became aloof and would not communicate with me. She did not turn to drugs or men, but accused me of never letting her fall. It has been a tough two years, we seem to be coming to terms by communicating..

 
April 16, 2008, 9:48 am CDT

I AM ADRIENNE, ANGELA'S MOTHER FROM THE DR. PHIL SHOW

 Everyone,
    I am glad that you tuned in to the show.  I am not surprised at the emotions that flared from such a show.  However, let us all get something straight here.  I'm not sure what all went on in every home across America, but I have an Idea that my house is pretty average , just because of all the mail that we got about the show.   I am sorry for the young people that were abused as children, but I got my record straight with God. I spoiled that little girl, and people told me that I was going to feel that pain, with disrespect in time, I didn't listen.  She was caged as she says, from pedophiles, and danger, I just didn't let her go places at a young age to protect her.  Apparently that didn't work.  I gave her more than I ever had, and so what if I had pain too.  Is that not the reason that you better for your kids.  You don't have to feel sorry for me.  I forgive Angela, and she forgives me for the ISOLATED INCIDENT! with the belt. Trust me the wordings  were wrong, and she knows that, and I know that.  We were both nervous.  My daughter loves me, that show was taped almost 7 months ago.  When I found out that my daughter was raped, I felt sick, and still do sometimes.  How could my perfect protection, and guidance, allow this tragedy to happen.  I have blamed myself sometimes.  My daughter is fine, and we love each other more than ever now.  I feel, that the only reason why Angela never wanted to let me know about the rape, is because she felt like I would judge her, because of my high standards, as well as her own standards.  That is the way a child thinks.  Feel sorry for me, please, that is not what I expect from American's now-a-days.  People don't truly care like they should.  Otherwise you wouldn't have comments of hatred coming back from a show that was supposed to help someone.  I felt that these measures would help someone else, and Angela felt that way too.  She is moving back home, and is not pregnant, never was.  I think that Angela felt that I warned her about the danger, but she didn't want to take responsibility of saying her Mother was right.  We never want to say our parents are right, that hurts too, been there. All kids go through that phase.  The only difference is that today, people are more evil in this world, and our kids want to grow up, and grow up in rapid speeds, but in an unhealthy way.  Is there anything wrong with wanting the best for my kid.  Especially a black woman.  Black women are the backbone of our black men, and families and yes, she should be the best in life.  She is going back to school, and what you saw was rebellion.  I take responsibility for two things, and that is 1. Loving too hard, and 2. Reminding her of how, I told her so. I was wrong to stick it sometimes, but I learned the hard way too.  Could I have approached this differently, yes.  Angela still knew right from wrong, she took chances with her life.   These two things happen with mothers all across America, and by the way, I grew up Catholic, and in the past decade plus have given my life to Christ Jesus.  Just a reminder I was not the best listener to my mother either.  I am not perfect, but when I see families with weird things like allowing their kids to drink, and have sex at 13, and partying with their children.  I think you know, had it not been for that creep taking my daughter's innocence, we would be OK today.  Now for the record, Angela apologized to me, and I to her.  We are so cool now, like friends, mother, and daughter.  She is strong in the Faith of Jesus Christ, that is how she was raised.  The show helped us both to vent feelings, and emotions, and we will get counseling together real soon.  By the way I am not as heavy now as I was then.  I had an operation on my foot, and put on a ton of weight.  Angela and I really look alike now.  I love all of your comments, that is what America is all about.  I hope this bought some light and healing to someone out there.  And remember Jesus, will heal all wounds if you just believe He can. Like Bishop said,'" tomorrow is not promised".  Parents forgive your kids, and Children forgive your parents, it's all worth it, it really is.
Sincerely,
Adrienne and Angela      
 P.S.
Hi, this is Angela, and I did realize   I made mistakes.  My mom was right, and I almost lost my life very shortly after the show.  I have a good job now, and me and mom are great.  Thanks Dr. Phil.  And to all the ladies, and girls out there, mom's are special.  I love Mom.  i only have one, and we are alright.  As for the man that raped me, God's got that.  I am working on myself now, and I will be all that I can be.  I turn 18 in a few month's, and will start driving when I return home.  I am OK, hope you girls out there are too!!
GOD BLESS!!
Love Angela
 
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