Topic : 04/21 The Dr. Phil House: House of Greed, Part 2

 

 " if I entered into an agreement (property or otherwise) with someone, i'd want to know what happens to the agreement in the event of the demise of either of the parties involved."

 

Yep, this is what happenes when people get into situations before all the T's are crossed and the I's are dotted.

 

Don't we have enough TV Small Claims Judges that tell us this every day?

 I know the family, let me confirm for you that Lisa's dad is not dead....he is alive and well.  Her money is from their divorce..the sale of their family home that the Lisa's father provided...

I cannot believe that a family could be in this much of a mess and they are all alive!!!! For some reason my family has suffered well over our share tragic deaths. The last one being my 35 year old bother on March 29th 2008. I have lived on Martha's Vineyard all my life and both sets of my grandparents are passed on and left wills for property no one fought at all. I am sorry but what this family needs is a tragic death where they can't even breath, feel sick to their stomachs every day over the loss can't eat, sleep or think for years then they will realize what loss really means physically!

That's what I'm tlaking about.  I didn't get any inheritence and I am doing just fine.  What we have we have worked our rear-ends off for.  I do own a home but I worked 2 years 7 days a week 12 hours a day to save the money in order to have a down payment.  As a matter of fact, I bought my house by myself as a single woman.  I am very proud of that fact.  I admit it sure isn't a mansion but it is ours.

I so empathize with you.  You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you.  Just remember you are not alone even though is seems like you are.  My story begins at birth, which I'm thinking Lisa's story also begins.  My mother saw me as an end to her freedom and I've have paid for this all my life.  She saw my brother the same way.  My next sister was small and looked "sickly" and of course my mother protected her and let her have whatever she wanted.  When I found out my mother was pregnant with my next brother, I ran up the stairs to my room, dove under my bed and cried my eyes out, sobbing so much I was out of breath, knowing there would be another child for me to care for and also I was afraid this next baby would be like my sister.  Luckily, I was wrong about his temperament, but still it was more work for me.  My youngest sister was born when I was 11.  And again, more work since I was already established as the third parent.  All the while my middle sister was pestering me like a buzzing mosquito and when I'd swat at the noisy one or lift her out of my space I was the one getting beaten.  As an adult I forgave all of them.  My father who beat me mercilessly, my mother who beat me with such hatred and watched my dad beat me with a smile on her face, both of them verbally and emotionally abusive, and somewhere along the way I was sexually mutilated, by whom I'm not sure.  I forgave my middle sister.  I ended the dance, or so I thought.  What really happened is that, as an adult in her 40's,  my middle sister manipulated my mom into excluding me from family celebrations such as birthdays.  My middle sister made sure I got cheap Christmas presents while my mom and both sisters got very expensive gifts.  And we opened them as a family.  My dad's death was the pinnacle of betrayal.  My mother and sisters shredded documents including an unregistered will, which was unbelievable because my dad was known all over town for taking all sorts of people to their lawyers to have their wills made out.  He did this with his accountant who later told me he was shocked and couldn't believe my dad didn't have a will.  I told him that before he died, my dad told me what I was getting from him - everything.  No wonder my mom and middle sister were in the basement shredding for hours while the youngest sister blocked me from going down the basement.  I'm sure that when they saw it in writing that I was supposed to get everything it just fueled the hatred for me.  Since my dad didn't have a "recorded" will everything went to my mother which of course, then I knew I was to be left out in the cold.  Not only did they betray me again, they stole, lied and cheated me out of my birthright because they perceived me as the source of their problems.  It's been nine years since that happened and I hadn't had word from any of them in that time.  I have had trouble forgiving them.  I just found out my mom has cancer and has eight weeks to live.  Yesterday I wrote what I wanted to say to her.  I called her and after about two minutes she hung up on me.  All I asked her is how she was and how were my brothers and sisters.  She said she loved me and hopes the best for me, but doesn't dare talk to me.  I told her she has an opportunity to make it right for me.  I told her that if she loved me she'd talk to me and that's when she hung up.  In conclusion, my mother can't admit she has ever hurt me, denies whatever I say and probably couldn't admit without professional help, which of course, she will never consent to.  My middle sister who has been the evil mastermind/abuser/bully of the family since she was very little, wanted me out long before my dad died, but my dad didn't allow it.  My youngest sister sided with the middle sister because she knew money was involved (funny thing, in high school she chose me as the subject of an essay about the person they most admired).  And my brothers are too weak to fend for themselves and both still live with my mom (they're in their 50's) so they were silent.

I've really glossed over the abuse just to make this "short!"  I sought professional help in my early 30's thinking there was something wrong with me.  I've been in therapy on and off for 25 years.  I still get extremely hurt and have bouts of depression (even while on anti-depression meds).  I have read stacks of books on parenting, child abuse, raising sons and daughters, etc.  I have been a good parent even with the poor role models I had.  I knew, as Harry Truman said, "the buck stops here" and I ended the cycle of child abuse.  The only experience I had in common with my parents was being married to an alcoholic, whom I finally divorced.  And, I feel this has affected my children and my relationship to them. 

I am finally living the life I had always wanted - all by myself - without any help whatsoever from any of them.   I survived and will continue to survive and strive - toward an inner peace, knowing that I'm not to blame for my mother's problems.  And even though I've been cast out of the family because of misdirected anger, I have my own life.  If the cost of a much saner life is being cheated out of my birthright, then I've paid a small price compared with what I would have had to endure from them. 

So, please get some professional help.  Find someone you really like.  It really makes a difference.  Know that you are a very good woman and a very good mom.  Love yourself, love your children unconditionally.  Don't let anything damage you or your children.  The family pattern of abuse can stop with you just as it did with me. 

I wish there was some sort of group for us.  If I find one, I'll let you know. 

Thanks for listening and good luck.  I'll be thinking of you.

Lisa's mother needs help to recognize that the fence and the will are just the physical manifestations of the bottom line problem.  Excluding a child and withholding unconditional love need to be recognized by older moms (and dads) as creating fundamental problems in the relationship of mother/child, (father/child), sibling/sibling that will last a lifetime for everyone involved, but especially for the one who was excluded or unloved.  I know.  It's been 57 years for me but I've survived and made something of myself.  Good luck to you all and may God be with you.