Topic : 08/04 Daddy Drama

Maybe he can go back with a kinder approach, and more realistic expectations, better understanding of his childrens' emotions, but he cannot go back to living as a man.  What do you say?  This was all a misunderstanding?  It happened.  He really handled it very poorly, but to try to go back in my mind, would be counterproductive to everyone. 

It's not going back, it's how to move foreward from this point.  Kayla needs to accept parental obligations of child support, just as everyone else in a divorce.   All that can be done from this point is for everyone to adjust as best they can, and try to move on. 

Maybe there will be some concilliation in the future, maybe not.  Going back will only make it worse.

Give therapy a chance, and I only hope this family can find peace, which may not be together.

what most people don't understand is why Trans people get married. To understand this you have to understand the times. I can only speak in relative terms of my own life but i do know that this seems to be a parallel in other trans people.

being 40 the time I grew up in there wasn't a lot of resource to understand what being trans was really all about. It wasn't easy to get help and most of all we were taught to be able to function and not be ostracized to hide it.  We all tended to do it as a survival instinct and lets face it, in such a socially unacceptable topic there wasn't help to be found easily.  In fact as a teen I thought I was literally the only one who not only felt this way, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me mentally.

A lot of trans people try and do things to hide their feelings. They try to prove that they are who they were born. In the case of a male to female, a lot of these people end up in very masculine roles and occupations. Police, Military and most male dominated jobs. They try to be macho to prove to themselves they are true men.

In the case of relationships most believe they can suppress their feelings through love. Love will cure me of this and I'll forget all about my true feelings. Not too mention the fact that sexuality and gender are only loosely based.

In my case I used to try and live through my wife. I would try and get her to be more girlie or look more girlish, whatever it took. The reality was that the more I suppressed my feelings, the more depression would hit me. We do not enter into relationships to intentionally mislead people, we truly do these things for love. Unfortunately this tends to backfire with age.

with the inception of the Internet information became much easier to get too. It was the first time i realized that not only were there others like me, but that this was an actual disorder. By that point I was 10 years into my relationship and about 4 yrs married.

What we see now is with the age on information these things are coming out much earlier and yet, it's no easier for these things to be dealt with. Children as young as toddlers exhibit signs of this disorder and yet people say that they are too young to know better. I was aged 5 when I knew something was wrong.

Parents wanting to get their children help are now being bashed my mainstream society because they are listening to the Dr's and getting their children help. The flip side is that the earlier a gender dyphoric person gets help, the easier it is to integrate them into their "wired" gender role.

If we continue to ignore science in lieu of religious or moral belief we create a whole new generation of 40 something people destroying relationships.

This isn't an issue that we just wake up and think it is cool to do. We have lived with it, fighting it for years and years. We do not get into relationships to be selfish, we do them to do what is expected of us by family and society. In some instances innocent people suffer the effect because of this unbroken chain.

hey Kath, this is a crazy board, not much middle ground here, theres ones that look over the father and pat theirself on the back because they think they are acting politally corrent. and the other nuts promoting that the children should hate their father until he/she becomes a man again, and one would wish their father dead before they see them as a trans..

These kids need to heal and have every right to their reaction to whats going on in their life, and the father needs to help heal these children and act like their parent  while he continues his path.

I'm sure you know that your father didn't ask for this...but neither did you, your sister or your mother.  Your lives have been changed forever...it cannot be the same, and for a young teen to have to face this, it has to be earth shattering.  Unless someone has lived this, they cannot say how they would feel, because they can't know. 

I hope that your entire family gets some very good therapy to start to heal...and that will not happen quickly.

How can ANYONE who is sane think this didn't hurt you?  Your father had/has a sexual  cross wiring, maybe genetic or congenital, but it is something where the brain and the body did not match up.  Is this your fault, your sister's fault?  No, it isn't his fault either, but his expectations and his behaviors are.  When you hurt people, that is your fault.  Instead of being righteous, he ought to try some compassion.  He wants understanding, yet he refuses to give any in return.

I am sure this bio-chemical mix up caused him misery...that is a separate animal.  He had to deal with it, but in having children, made you and your sister have to do so as well.  What if he were a pedophile?  You would have sympathy from every poster on this forum.  Pedophiles do not choose their bio-chemical desires either, but them, we can hate.  It's politically correct to and yes, for the damage they do, they are despised.  The fact that they are a genetic mis-fire doesn't give them a free pass to act on their feelings.

Now, your father didn't molest you...he did rape your souls...break your hearts, and basically tell you that all you knew to be real was false and nothing you could have imagined, was reality. 

In my opinion, to do that to a child of 12 is abusive behavior.  It may not have been his intent, but it happened.

Parents are expected to protect their children.  You have them to fix your problem, then decide it is time to bail, so what's the big deal?  The big deal is that you HURT someone you were supposed to protect.  For whatever reason, you did it, and the family has to accept this smiling.?!?

This is like a death...any competant therapist will tell you that.  Your father, as you knew him, the man you believed him to be, has, in some way died.  That is simple psch 101.  Both you and your sister have to be allowed to grieve the man you knew.  Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn't know what they are talking about. 

Recognizing YOUR pain, your loss, and those of your sister takes nothing away from your father's situation...but right now, neither of you can, or should be expected to "understand" his problems...you have enough of your own! 

Maybe one day, your family will have a certain amount of healing as to where you can see him again in another light.  Maybe that will never happen...please, go on with therapy for you...encourage your sister to do the same, allow yourselves the stages of grief, which DO include anger.

Your father did what he had to do in order to be whole.  You must do the same for yourselves. 

Anyone who judges you is plain cruel...I cannot begin to imagine how this feels, so I won't insult you by saying I do.  I hope you all recover...take whatever time you need and decide what is best for you...same for your sister!  Good luck, and God bless!  I am sure that a RING has lost it's importance in all of this....that never should have been mentioned.