Quote From: bmdillKendra, I feel your pain
I have watched Dr. Phil for years, and this show was what prompted me to register an account, and go to the message board. I feel that in many ways you and I are alike.
I have always been very close with my mom, and my mom has always been a very loving, caring, generous individual. However, she also has a different side where she is extremely controlling, manipulative, and unstable. She has very little control over her own behavior though. There were ups and downs growing up, (which were blamed on me as a teenager), but I figured once I moved out, and started my own life that things would get better. They did for a little while simply by not living under her roof. But I then found that if she got mad at me for something, instead of coming into my room and screaming at me & hitting me, and taking off, then coming back 5 minutes later for round two, she had to call me on the phone, and vent her anger with me, hang up, and call back 5 minutes later. When that didn't work because I stopped answering the phone, she would drive over to my house, and peer in the front window at me. I then had to cover the window to stop that, and to have peace.
6 years ago, I found out about my father cheating on my mother. She had told me stories about his past behavior, but this was new, and I felt I had a responsibility to tell her. My parents had a rocky relationship as far back as I can remember, and I didn't think they should be together, especially after what he did. So, I told her, I found her a therapist, and I found her a divorce lawyer. Unfortunately, the therapist proved to be untrustworthy, and didnt really believe in keeping things confidential, (She was the one who gave us a lot of the information about my fathers infidelity) and my mother stopped seeing her.
I spent my 25th birthday with my mom at her lawyers office for support. I felt that after all the stresses she'd been through that I needed to be the one person in her life to support her through the separation with my father, for as long as that took.
This was clearly a mistake. Once she found out how deceptive my father had been, something took over, and everything and everyone was "out to get her". Every time she had accused my father of cheating in the past, he told her she was a silly woman, and that she was crazy. Now that she had found out he really had cheated, and that she was right, she felt that every new suspicion she had MUST also be true.
No matter how insane my mother sounded I was there to support her, and try to help her through it. This started with being obsessed with mice in her attic, (plausible), but then it escalated. I cant count the number of times I was guided around the house so she could show me the newest damage caused by the critters. Then, it was squirrels in the attic, and possibly something bigger, too. I mean, you know there is something wrong when not one animal control company will respond to your calls anymore. Im off on a tangent here, but it wasnt just that she had animals in the attic anymore, they were now communicating with each other to plot against her, and one would distract her while the other went off and wreaked havoc elsewhere on her house. I tried to talk to her about it, but if I said anything other than what she wanted to hear, WATCH OUT! I felt that if I just made it through until she moved into a new place that it would be better. . . .nope! She found animals everywhere she moved. Unfortunately, this was the first of many obsessions.
First it was the critters, then her phone was bugged by my dad, then her television was bugged by my dad, then there were cameras spying on her, his family was spying on her, and it got worse and worse.
The few times I mustered the courage to suggest she go back to therapy, she would respond with Im not crazy.
After believing my fathers family was spying on her, she thought my brother was doing the same.
Finally, the separation was complete, and I TRULY believed things would be better, and that she might consider some therapy, even if only to get closure about the separation.
Instead, she called the cops on her sister (who was living with her), and had her kicked out, because, yes you guessed it, her own sister was now spying on her along with my moms niece, her nieces husband, and her nephew as well. Next, her neighbours were all spying on her, any service vehicle that was parked on the street was spying on her, and on and on.
My mom slowly cut off all family contact except for my sister & I, and our families.
This has all been terribly stressful for my husband and I. It all came to a head this past Christmas when my mom was supposed to baby-sit for me when my husband and I went to my work Christmas party (I work for my fathers company). I didnt think anything of it because she was fine when I asked her to baby-sit, but 2 hours before the party she was acting weird on the phone, and when I asked her if she was mad at me for something, she went off on me about how horrible I was to ask her to baby-sit to go to HIS PARTY, and then went on about his mistress at the office, like it was somehow my fault or something. I had enough, and told her that his having a mistress was not my fault, and that its not fair that she hold a grudge against me because I have a relationship with my father, and that I work for my father. She would not stop, and I ended up hanging up on her.
We received MANY, MANY horrible voicemail messages from my mom saying every possible horrible thing she could to us. When I unplugged the answering machine, she left messages on my cell, and on my work voicemail. Then after a little time had passed she wanted it to just blow over. With my mom, there has been a pattern of her blowing up on someone, and then her expecting it to all just go away because she got it out of her system.
For the first time in my life I stood up to her, and said that I thought we needed to talk about what happened instead of just ignoring it, because I wanted to make sure it never happened again. She refused to have this conversation and convinced herself that we were just trying to corner her to return the verbal abuse.
No matter how much I wanted to try to hurt her as she had hurt us, I held back, and refused to fuel the fight, and did not return the phone calls. She took this as me trying to hurt her. After another month or so passed, she started leaving me nasty messages again. She called every five minutes, and left messages, and when I unplugged the answering machine, she just let the phone ring off the hook (while my daughter was trying to nap). My husband finally had enough, picked up the phone and told her that if she called this number again, shed have to deal with him in person. (I was standing right next to him when he said this). She panicked, and called my work, and left messages on my machine there saying he threatened to physically harm her, that I was in an abusive relationship, that I didnt have a mind of my own anymore, etc. etc.
Then, after having no contact for a few more months, she got to thinking and came up with a new conclusion for what was going on. She called yet again, and this time said that she believes my husband was on my fathers payroll to spy on her.
I finally got myself into therapy to figure out how to get my mom some help, and the only real answer I got was that I should write a letter to her doctor to let the doctor know about her behavior, and see if the doctor could help. I didnt want to do this, because I was unsure of whether or not the doctor would listen, and knew my mom would think this was some sort of revenge plot against her, so I never did it.
I finally opted to change my cell phone number to avoid giving her ways to leave nasty messages. The very next day while I was at therapy, my mom called my house, got my mother-in-law who was babysitting my daughter, and decided to call my cell instead. The number was no longer in service, so she called and left a nasty message for me at work, which I got when I finished therapy. I immediately asked my father to change my work extension to avoid messages there. I really did not want to have to change my home number as well, so I left that alone, and again, hoped for the best.
I had another month or so of peace and quiet, and then, the day after my doctor informed me I had a medical condition that is brought on my stress, my mother called my house. I hoped that maybe it would be different this time, but when I answered the phone I was met with I am tired of waiting for my apology, and I got hung up on. The stress was too much, and I finally called the phone company and had my home number changed, and had the number unlisted.
I let this go on much, much longer than I should have, and it has hurt my relationship with my husband as well along the way. He has been very patient, and has backed off whenever I asked him to, and has let me decide how to handle things. He has watched me suffer, and has still stood by me throughout this.
Im a grown woman, I have my own life, and I was also diagnosed with a disease that is affected negatively by stress (Multiple Sclerosis) 7 years ago. The biggest factor however, and probably what touched home most about the show is that I have a 2 year old daughter, and I do not want to expose her to this toxic behavior anymore.
I cant change the past, but I CAN make sure my daughter doesnt have this in her future.
(Original Air Date: 05/01/08) When couples tie the knot, they don't just marry each other; they get hitched to their spouse’s entire family. But what would you do if your in-laws were demanding, condescending and sometimes violent? Bambi hasn’t spoken to her daughter, Kendra, for two years, and she blames her son-in-law, Adam. Bambi says she and Adam got into a heated argument in which she not only slapped him, but also went looking for a gun to shoot him! Kendra says her mother was way out of line for physically assaulting Adam and doesn't know if she can change her controlling ways. Bambi says Kendra is dead to her — and even built a makeshift gravesite in her yard to symbolize her grief. The irascible in-law says she's desperate to reconcile with Kendra -- but not Adam. Will the couple accept her terms? Join the discussion.
