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Topic : 06/30 Inappropriate In-laws

Number of Replies: 248
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Created on : Friday, April 25, 2008, 03:04:05 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/01/08) When couples tie the knot, they don't just marry each other; they get hitched to their spouse’s entire family. But what would you do if your in-laws were demanding, condescending and sometimes violent? Bambi hasn’t spoken to her daughter, Kendra, for two years, and she blames her son-in-law, Adam. Bambi says she and Adam got into a heated argument in which she not only slapped him, but also went looking for a gun to shoot him! Kendra says her mother was way out of line for physically assaulting Adam and doesn't know if she can change her controlling ways. Bambi says Kendra is dead to her — and even built a makeshift gravesite in her yard to symbolize her grief. The irascible in-law says she's desperate to reconcile with Kendra -- but not Adam. Will the couple accept her terms?  Join the discussion.

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May 1, 2008, 9:34 am CDT

05/01 Inappropriate In-laws

Quote From: trying2c

I hope and pray there is a follow-up on this story, as well as some of the others in which a control freak is the origination of the problem. I'm desperate to know whether or not people who are this extremely controlling have any success in relinquishing control to a more 'normal' level.

 

I felt that Dr. Phil did a fabulous job with Bambi. I have no doubt whatsoever that Kendra does so little talking simply because she learned many many years ago that there is little, if anything that she can say that her mother will respect. This was demonstrated by that incredibly mature and loving letter. My mother has behaved similarly. Our relationship has not escalated to the level of this one simply because I did choose never to be indebted to my mother and thus allow her to throw that sort of thing in my face the way Bambi did to Kendra about the $3,000.

 

I haven't banned or forbidden my mother from seeing our family. Rather, she is like Bambi in today's episode. She has chosen to have extremely little to do with my children and has almost nothing whatsoever to do with my grandchildren. Like pulling teeth, I tried for decades to be loving, forgiving and patient, waiting to have a mom who loves her family unconditionally. Although I was very much like Kendra, I've now been married for 34 years and my mother hasn't changed yet. She must still be in control nearly every moment. Because I stand up for myself, she threatens and chooses to stay away. One of my granddaughters thought she was dead simply because she's never heard from my mother. My mother has no idea. If I told her, she would suddenly be in touch, but then vanish again, too lazy to be in touch, only attending events in which she can get away with being the controlling diva. She has told me repeatedly that we must do what she says simply because she's the mother, or because she's older, or sick, etc.

 

Bambi truly scares me, just like my own mother does. My mother raised her hand to slap me during her last visit to my home nearly 4 years ago. I will never be alone with her again because of this. I've never told her so, I just make sure someone else is around because I am nearly deaf and blind and may not be able to defend myself. I wonder if Bambi and people like her can truly ever be trusted not to become physically violent when they feel that loss of control at some point in the future, which is sure to happen because no one can ever control everything. If professional therapy can accomplish this, it will be a wonderful thing. The problem then, however, becomes that of getting someone like Bambi to admit they have a problem that needs fixing. We can't all go on the Dr. Phil show to give them that awakening!

 

My heartfelt condolences to Kendra. Some people don't have mothers, some have mothers who are drug addicts, criminals, etc. I find it incredibly helpful to simply accept my mother as she is, emotionally placing her in the category of absent mother. These women are not evil, simply unable to see through their own need for control, unaware of how incredibly toxic it is. I love my mother unconditionally, even though she loves me conditionally, but at the same time I understand I cannot change her. I accept that she is what she is and that I cannot , even through my own kind and loving actions, change her need for control.

 

I'll keep watching for positive outcomes to such personalities.

 

 

was there any help excepted by Bambi from Dr Phil? i think her daughter and husband were doing all they could to have her in their lives, and Dr Phil was rite about that letter, i would not have been so nice either,i would have had her arrester for assault and making terroristic threats. Bambi should count her blessings to have a daughter and son in law with such forgiving hearts, i do not blame them for keeping their daughter away from Bambi, what does Bambi think the child would think seeing a grave in grandmas back yard with her name on it? now thats sick.
 
May 1, 2008, 9:59 am CDT

05/01 Inappropriate In-laws

Until I saw the last 2 minutes of the show, I was convinced that Bambi was 3 1/2 bubbles off-center; a hopeless, real dangerous nut case......and she no doubt does have some serious issues with self-control, and with being a violent control freak where her daughter and son-in-law are concerned. She is extremely dramatic and is desperately trying to hold on to her daughter, and I see much jealousy towards Adam, her son-in-law.....however, I did see a ray of hope when I saw the look and smile on her face, and a glimpse of a softer person, when she saw her darling granddaughter at the end of the show, so maybe all is not lost. (Bambi no doubt needs some kind of therapy though....this is a very angry woman.) 

 

She should be very proud of her daughter for trusting her husband 100%....that's how is is supposed to be in a marriage! With the divorce rate being at 60%, does she want her daughter to be another statistic, and her granddaughter to be raised without her father, who seems to be a loving, decent guy? 

 

I raised my children (a boy and 2 girls) to each value their marriage, and that their spouse and their children were number one, not me! I raised them to be free-thinking, independent adults who are in control of theirown lives.....I do NOT want to try to live their lives for them; I have my hands full living my own life! Our dynamics have changed as they have grown up, and that is how it should...and must...be. I would be disappointed in them, and in myself as a parent, if they could not control their own lives.

As a result, I have wonderful relationships with my children and their spouses, and enjoy my beautiful grandchildren, too.

 

 I wouldn't have it any other way!

 
May 1, 2008, 10:06 am CDT

05/01 Inappropriate In-laws

Quote From: trying2c

I hope and pray there is a follow-up on this story, as well as some of the others in which a control freak is the origination of the problem. I'm desperate to know whether or not people who are this extremely controlling have any success in relinquishing control to a more 'normal' level.

 

I felt that Dr. Phil did a fabulous job with Bambi. I have no doubt whatsoever that Kendra does so little talking simply because she learned many many years ago that there is little, if anything that she can say that her mother will respect. This was demonstrated by that incredibly mature and loving letter. My mother has behaved similarly. Our relationship has not escalated to the level of this one simply because I did choose never to be indebted to my mother and thus allow her to throw that sort of thing in my face the way Bambi did to Kendra about the $3,000.

 

I haven't banned or forbidden my mother from seeing our family. Rather, she is like Bambi in today's episode. She has chosen to have extremely little to do with my children and has almost nothing whatsoever to do with my grandchildren. Like pulling teeth, I tried for decades to be loving, forgiving and patient, waiting to have a mom who loves her family unconditionally. Although I was very much like Kendra, I've now been married for 34 years and my mother hasn't changed yet. She must still be in control nearly every moment. Because I stand up for myself, she threatens and chooses to stay away. One of my granddaughters thought she was dead simply because she's never heard from my mother. My mother has no idea. If I told her, she would suddenly be in touch, but then vanish again, too lazy to be in touch, only attending events in which she can get away with being the controlling diva. She has told me repeatedly that we must do what she says simply because she's the mother, or because she's older, or sick, etc.

 

Bambi truly scares me, just like my own mother does. My mother raised her hand to slap me during her last visit to my home nearly 4 years ago. I will never be alone with her again because of this. I've never told her so, I just make sure someone else is around because I am nearly deaf and blind and may not be able to defend myself. I wonder if Bambi and people like her can truly ever be trusted not to become physically violent when they feel that loss of control at some point in the future, which is sure to happen because no one can ever control everything. If professional therapy can accomplish this, it will be a wonderful thing. The problem then, however, becomes that of getting someone like Bambi to admit they have a problem that needs fixing. We can't all go on the Dr. Phil show to give them that awakening!

 

My heartfelt condolences to Kendra. Some people don't have mothers, some have mothers who are drug addicts, criminals, etc. I find it incredibly helpful to simply accept my mother as she is, emotionally placing her in the category of absent mother. These women are not evil, simply unable to see through their own need for control, unaware of how incredibly toxic it is. I love my mother unconditionally, even though she loves me conditionally, but at the same time I understand I cannot change her. I accept that she is what she is and that I cannot , even through my own kind and loving actions, change her need for control.

 

I'll keep watching for positive outcomes to such personalities.

 

 

Your situation is very sad!

 

I'm sure you realize that your mother has some mental health issues, and I give you credit for dealing with her with compassion and intelligence, yet caution at the same time....obviously, as you said, you must protect yourself from her.

 

I wish you luck.

 
May 1, 2008, 10:16 am CDT

05/01 Inappropriate In-laws

Quote From: crysta555

 My son of 26 is planning to marry next January to the most controlling, selfish, self centered, gold digger I have ever seen.  I don't get the fact that he hasn't.  They have a baby together which I feel was a trick on her part to get him.  See they both met with each just ending another relationship that caused them to only feel sorry for each other.  Her previous relationship consist of ending with her having an abortion. She litterally moved in my son's place with just a backpack.  This was 2 years ago.  No Job, NO drivers license, No vehicle!  He has supported everything!  He complained back in December and wanted out!  That's when I got involved and told him I saw it from the start and gave him advice. Well he ended up going to his dad (who I've been divorced from 8 yrs) and heard a different advice.  That he should take her back and continue to give her support and help that she needs.  See my ex is the same...selfish, self centered, AND VERY controlling.  Now because they are back together I'm the devil and that I caused them to break up. So SHE won't let him bring my grandson to visit me and my husband.  I say he doesn't have the guts to stand up to her and just do it!  Well my son just bought a house and announced the wedding plans through email to us.  I know Jan.2009 is far away and a lot can happen between now and then.  But what my son isn't seeing is "The Big Picture" of the future!  He has worked hard for what he has and is a good man.

I'm afraid of what she can do after the marriage!  So I have this email on my draft writing him giving him more sugguested and including how not just less then 4 months ago he text me "I want out, but don't know how" .  I believe the excitement with getting the house has blurred his vision and mind of what she is all about!  She is talking crap, her house her this her that!  Anyway I really want to send this email but can't seem to click the "send" button.  Any suggestions?  

One thing I learned when my kids were growing up and brought home someone I knew was so wrong for them, was this:  the more you talk against their choice, the harder they will defend that person, even if in their heart they KNOW you're right! They just can't be "made wrong." You have to be really tactful and calm instead, and, believe me, I know how hard that can be!

 

My children all now have wonderful spouses and secure, long standing marriages...but it wasn't a smooth road when they were growing up and I often had nightmares about some of their earlier choices! Yuck! 

 

For more on this subject and how to deal with it, go to www.nononsensegrammytree.blogspot.com and click on the article titled "In-laws and outlaws". Hopefully that will give you some ideas.

 

I wish you good luck, and peace, whatever the outcome.  

 
May 1, 2008, 10:23 am CDT

05/01 Inappropriate In-laws

Quote From: medlaw2007

I know Bambi.  I use to rent a room in her house in NC, 7 years ago.  Myself and 4 others were renting at the time and everyone, and I mean everyone, who has been in her presence has seen her completely inappropriate behavior where not just her kids are concerned.  Kendra IS a beautiful young woman and she always has been.  This is a young woman that graduated from a military academy in S.C., an academy that was previously all male and has very few female cadets.  That is where she met and fell in love with Adam.  But Adam is NOT the first guy Kendra has brought home to meet Bambi only to be faced with the reality that the visit will turn out to be the trip from Hell!  Bambi has always blamed everyone else for her misfortunes in life.  I pray that Dr. Phil will be able to arrange some psychological counseling for Bambi.  Kendra has been prey to her mother her entire life and now that she is married and has a daughter as beautiful and intelligent as she is, I am thankful to God she will finally be able to have some peace and normallcy in her life.  Keep praying for Bambi too!  While most that cross her path learn to despise her, she need support as well. 

Thank you for this information about Bambi........it always helps to hear from someone who knows the family firsthand.

 

As I said in an earlier post, I see a ray of hope.....IF she gets some serious professional help. Very few people are truly hopeless if given the right resources.  If nothing else, maybe she can improve to a point where she can at least begin to work on creating a good relationship with her daughter, granddaughter and son-in-law.

 

Hope springs eternal.  

 
May 1, 2008, 11:19 am CDT

Is everybody ready??

OK GUYS>>> Is everybody ready to debate this show? I haven't seen it yet, but I'm sure it's a good one. And I'm also sure that there will be a few debates over it. I'm waiting for 3 o clock to see it. I'll comment then.
 
May 1, 2008, 12:14 pm CDT

nuts and controlling

this show has been on only 15 minutes and this Bambi is nuts!  i would never place a grandchild in her presense?  she's sick and controlling.  she needs serious help
 
May 1, 2008, 12:24 pm CDT

If he hurts her not the daughter

From what I can see is that her phrase,"If you hurt my daughter I will rip out your beating heart!"  She really means "If you hurt ME, I will rip out your beating heart!"
 
May 1, 2008, 12:41 pm CDT

THIS MOM IS OUTRAGES

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I can not get overthis show!    Are you kidding me?? If I were her daughter and husband I would put the biggest pair of 'nike sneakers on and RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   This woman is the most unstable person I've ever come across. She's looking to control SOMETHING!! She lost control of her daughter is what the problem is. Her daughter finally smarted up and got out on her own and away from her GRIP!!!!  Now the mothers FURIOUS!!!!  This has more to do with CONTROL more then ANYTHING!!!  SHE PUT A MOCK GRAVE SITE IN HER BACK YARD FOR HER DAUGHTER AND GRANDDAUGHTER????????   This woman needs some SERIOUS HELP!!      This message is for her daughter and son-in-law.   PLEASE RUN!!!!  I would not get back into your mothers life until she got some help!!!!  You CAN'T trust her!!!  And expecially around the BABY!!!   You guys are doing the right thing by staying away. I'm not saying theres something mentally wrong with her just to be mean. I'M NOT REALLY!!!    I mean it when I say she is MENTALLY UNBALANCED!!!!!   Listen kids>>>> GOOD LUCK with your new lives together. It's a tough road sometimes, but if you love each other, you can get by ANYTHING!!!    Stay away from this lady until you know for sure that she has gotten some kind of help.

A message to the MOM!!!  PLEASE GET SOME HELP!!!!!!   Your losing your daughter!!! If you haven't already. IS IT WORTH IT!!! LET GO>>>>go find out why you have a problem with having to control everything. I've experienced this in my own life.  I've let people control me. Until I learned that I can't be controled unless I allow them to control me. It's hard to get away from that. BUT I DID!! Now NO ONE controls me anymore. Because I won't let them!!!  So good for you honey>>>>don't let your mom or anybody control you. This is HER problem!!!! NOT YOURS!!!  GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU!!!!

PLEASE DOCTOR PHIL>>>>>>>>>>>  OFFER THIS WOMAN SOME HELP!!!!

 
May 1, 2008, 12:42 pm CDT

personality disorder?

I think it's pretty obvious from watching the show that the mother has some sort of personality disorder. While Dr. Phil was right about everything he said to her, I think he should also have talked about the possibility that she has a disorder and should seek treatment. Clearly something is not right and just trying to make her see what isn't right or how she's hurting herself isn't going to help. Dr. Phil asked what she's getting out of it and maybe she's not getting anything for herself, but if she has something like borderline personality disorder it's not like she's making choices based on what's best for anyone.

Yes, they can step back and reevaluate, but if she's digging graves and threateing her s-i-l with a gun she needs way more help than she's going to get from this show. She needs to be in treatment.
 
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