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Topic : 06/30 Inappropriate In-laws

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Created on : Friday, April 25, 2008, 03:04:05 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/01/08) When couples tie the knot, they don't just marry each other; they get hitched to their spouse’s entire family. But what would you do if your in-laws were demanding, condescending and sometimes violent? Bambi hasn’t spoken to her daughter, Kendra, for two years, and she blames her son-in-law, Adam. Bambi says she and Adam got into a heated argument in which she not only slapped him, but also went looking for a gun to shoot him! Kendra says her mother was way out of line for physically assaulting Adam and doesn't know if she can change her controlling ways. Bambi says Kendra is dead to her — and even built a makeshift gravesite in her yard to symbolize her grief. The irascible in-law says she's desperate to reconcile with Kendra -- but not Adam. Will the couple accept her terms?  Join the discussion.

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suzistew
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July 2, 2008, 6:32 am PDT

Elephants, big and small

Quote From: ptchaney

I simply do not understand why Dr. Phil did not tell Bambi straight to her face that she had mental health issues severe enough that her daughter was absolutely justified in cutting off contact with her.  Bambi needs to seek treatment in a residential setting where she cannot harm herself or others.  If I were Kendra and Adam, there would be restraining orders in place and I would have moved across the country.  Kendra and Adam are doing everything they can to keep their child safe from extremely unstable person "who has a history of taking children" she believes are being neglected.  When Kendra said that, I got a cold chill down my spine.  Bambi is a ticking time bomb.  Dr. Phil should have told Kendra and Adam that they should protect themselves in every practical and legal means available to them, and cut off contact completely.  Until Bambi successfully completes a treatment regimen designed to reorient her to the real world, she should be hospitalized.  Bambi persists in blaming Adam for things that any rational person would understand were not his fault.  Bambi has assaulted Adam and admits to trying to kill him.  These are not the actions and attitudes of a rational, sane human being. 
As a mental health practitioner, it would be irresponsible for Dr. Phil to pass any kind of "sanity" judgement upon a guest to whom extensive testing and evaluation had yet to be given. (In fact, if Dr. Phil HAD done a full work-up on her, she would be considered protected by the HIPAA laws and consequently, he would be even more restricted in discussing details, diagnosis, etc. in her case. Ironic isn't it?) You wouldn't expect your family Doctor to make a diagnosis of a physical problem you had without first running some bloodwork, checked your vital signs, etc. etc. - right? Same thing applies here IMHO. Sure Bambi presented some behaviors that were (to most of us) way over the top. Some of it creeped me out too! Dr. P just can't go around slapping lables on people based on surface behavior. Most importantly, his telling her in front of millions of people that she was a nut-case might push her into a full-blown psychosis. Also, I'd like to believe that most viewers have enough intelligence to see that Bambi has closed down emotionally in many respects. Couldn't you feel that WALL she had around her? That's really a sad lady. She's cut herself off from what she perceives as bad for self-protection, but that also keeps out the good feelings and experiences. To say nothing of the goodness that could come into her life with the love of her family. Lose/Lose situation for sure.

Hope they show an update on this. Don't you?
 
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suzistew
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July 2, 2008, 6:43 am PDT

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the song without the words and never stops at all. - Dickinson

Quote From: prettynpinkk

Hi there,

 

Well ijust want to thank you for reading my loooong message and replying to it. I tend to talk alot but theres just so much information the comes along with it all.

 

    I will look into those web-sites you gave me!! In saying that i mean no disrespect but i do not think they will help me. I knowi will definatly get somethign out of it but it will not nearly cure or help much. For some reason they way i think is sooo closed minded when it comes to WHO can help me.

 

My plan is to hopfully save enough money and see Dr. Lawlis, when going to see him i will try my best to see if he can get me on the Dr. Phil show. For the last 3 years or so i have been at the point that i just don't trust anyone to help me. Why do i say that, is because i think my brain is so tighten and backwards and loose ends that i can not articulate what going on with me . It's getting worse by the day , and i need a neurologist and psycholigist. Thing is i don't trust ANYONE anymore. I look up to Dr. Phil in every way, andi know if he deals with dr.LAwlis he must be good. I need ore than 2 days that Dr. LAwlis is offering and hope that Dr. Phil can help. I have wrote, and wrote, and e-mailed, and sent pictures, and video tapes to Dr. Phil but no reasponces. I just wait and wait for his e-mail back that it is driving me crazy. 

 

From. the person who does'nt trust anyone 

Am sure you have your reasons for distrust. That's a choice you can make, but it doesn't seem like it's working for you TODAY. Hopefully you will get a chance to see Dr. Lawlis, but UNTIL that happens, how many days older will your child be? How many memories will you not be able to share with your child while you wait? There is help out there - maybe not perfect 100% instant cure type help - but it WILL get you by and into a better place emotionally than choosing to do nothing to help yourself. Believe me, I'm living proof that it exists. But guess that's hard for you to believe. I understand. Can you understand this? I believe in YOU.
 
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kivarocks
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July 2, 2008, 7:06 am PDT

YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!

Quote From: hzby6897

I just watched the show of inappropriate in-laws.  I thought i was the only daughter in the world with this extream of a problem between my mother and husband.  I have not had any contact with my mother  in 4yrs. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do, but felt it was nessasary to keep my children safe from her emotional havoc and to save my marriage.  I watched with my eyes wide in the statements that were made by Bambi.  My mother has made the same remarks, everything is my husbands fault, she is never to blame and an innocent victim always.  At the same time she rails that she will "win" in the end, with him dead or in jail, and the children turning away from us.  I live in termoil everyday.  How can you love someone, but be unable to let them be a part of you life?  We are to have forgivness in our hearts.  I have forgiven her for the fact that she is mentally unstable and needs help to heal.  But is it true forgiveness if I cant let her in our lives? I also fear her.  I know what she is capable of and am afraid that she will in fact get to my children and "poison" them.  I also fear that she will do something someday to my husband.  My heart aches for Kendra.  I felt every bit of her pain as I watched her on the show.  She is a strong woman and I wish her all the best.  No matter what that may be.  Letting her mother back in or keeping her out.  The letter she wrote Bambi was so true and close to me that it felt as though I had wrote it myself. 
     Much like Kendra I have watched my wife try to deal with her mother for the last 29 years.Kendra and my wife could be sisters and VERY kind loving people despite the insanity they have dealt with growing up.When a child grows up with a raging insane parent they say nothing except what the angry unstable person wants to hear.My mother inlaw also has a memorial shrine in rememberance of the daughter {she could no longer control} after we became married.Her mother also uses words like "WIN" in her vocabulary of instability and competition.Sane people don't try to "WIN" in relationships because healthy people realize that relatioships are not about [control and dominance].As a son inlaw that has been in Adams position for almost 30 years and fearing for his safety I became sick of the abuse 3 years ago and gave up.I can give Adam some advice that worked for me.Take your family and RUN  or have her charged and committed___if___Bambi doesn't get therapy and act in a non violent way.Doctor Phil often says that you can predict future behavior form past behavior and that has been SO TRUE in our dealings with Mommy Dearest.
 
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kivarocks
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July 2, 2008, 7:54 am PDT

VIOLENCE AND DEATH THREATS ARE ILLEGAL

Quote From: tamarron2

I took exception to the way Bambi was treated on this show.  What your editors protrayed was not likely the whole story.  It was terribly one sided.

 

No one cared to delve into what this woman has been through.  The pain that drove her to prepare "mock" graves in her backyard was not discussed.  This show simply showed the ugly side of a mother's dilema and protrayed her as a "nut case". 

 

 I remember one show not too long ago where Dr. Phil talked about children coming home with stories that poison the well (the minds of their family) and when the incident is over they expect their family to drink from the well.  That is what I see in this show.

 

I understand the depth of the pain she has suffered and is suffering at the hands of her daughter.  I watched her daughter's facial expressions as she answered the few questions put to her directly.  I was lo looking for any sign of compassion for her mother.  There was none there.  

 

In my opinion, this daughter best remember that what goes around comes around and now that she is a mom, she will soon know the pain a child can give to their parents.

 

You can have many husbands in this life, you can have many children, but remember, you only have one mother. 

 

 

    The problem was that Bambi could not explain her violent and illegal behavior.Bambi spoke for 80% of the show and she could not account for her DANGEROUS violent thoughts and actions.If she ends up in front of a judge someday he isn't going to be a nice and understanding LIKE---> doctor Phil is.Of course Bambi is a bitter and contolling person with lots of pain.But being in pain and assulting your son inlaw for no reason and making death threats can not be tollerated in a society that is civilized.The reason Bambi could not explain her behavior is because the behavior is NOT sane,rational or logical.I am glad that you feel empathy for Bambi but her daughter wasn't without a ton of pain either.The letter to her mother said "I LOVE YOU MOM" but I also LOVE my husband and your violent behavior is unacceptable in so many words.
 
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luannet
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July 2, 2008, 11:41 am PDT

hard to get over a fake grave

it would be really hard to get past that fake gravestone in the back yard, first things first, pull it up.  and to post a gravestone with her grandaughters name, that sweet little child is borderline unforgiveable sooooo..  This woman didn't make a lot of sense to me, she seemed overboard in all matters.  Maybe therapy will help, but I'd be watching her around my husband and baby, she seemed just not quite right.....Love, Luanne
 
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kennethm70
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July 2, 2008, 11:57 am PDT

06/30 Inappropriate In-laws

I watched the show & when I looked into the daughters eyes her spirit was telling me she loves her mother & she wanted to repair the relationship between her mother & her husband.  Another thing her she said about the graves in your yard told me is it is imposable to work with her if she is dead.  If you don't believe me I give you home work.  Go to the morgue & ask to see someone that is dead & have that dead person go shopping with you.  WONT HAPPEN. Make the minds now while you can by having a resurrection party & get rid of the stones in your yard & have a live daughter instead of a dead daughter
 
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oyler86
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July 2, 2008, 3:38 pm PDT

My in laws can you help us?

Dr. Phil,

 

 I met the girl of my dreams in 1994, but her parents are something else, we dated for only a month and got married after a month because she was out with me till 4 in the morning. They told her that there was only on thing we could have ben doing, so, we got married, they wanted a shot gun wedding. We were blessed with a little girl in 1995 my wife's parents convenced her that I was abuseing her and our little girl. I have never hit them or anything. We got divorced, in 1996, because they told my wife that they could take our little girl away from my wife and raise her. We were living in one of their houses and fell behind on the rent and they sued me for the back rent. Left my wife out of it, which made her mad.  I took my wife to an atturney friend so he could tell her that its hard to prove someone an unfit parent.  We were remarried in 1996 and in 1997 were blessed with a little boy. My inlaws weren't invited to the wedding or to the room when their grandson was born.In 2003 my wife had to read about her grandmother's passing off the post office wall.   In, 2006 my wife was diagnosed with three different kinds of cancers, had chemo therapy her parents weren't around to help or anything, but called wanting her to come over to their house to visit on the days she had chemo. When my wife was in ICU my mother in law took my nephew in to see my wife after my wife asked me to ask them not to being their kids in because she didn't want to see ours like that. My wife got so upset about that. My kids go over to their house and come back upset because they talk bad about me and their mother, they call me a Dirty Son of A bitch. and their mother is a Stupid Bitch. My wife and my daughter saw her dad at the store the other day he said that  my son went to church and told a friend of theirs that he can't have and friends over on the weekend because I watch porno all weekend. My wife came home and asked my son he said he didn't say it and we asked her dad's friend and he said our son has never talked to him. Her Dad also said he was going to contact SRS, because he knows its going on, be cause my wife can no longer satisfy me. Thats none of his busniess!

 
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hzby6897
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July 3, 2008, 4:04 pm PDT

INAPPROPRIATE IN-LAWS

Quote From: kivarocks

     Much like Kendra I have watched my wife try to deal with her mother for the last 29 years.Kendra and my wife could be sisters and VERY kind loving people despite the insanity they have dealt with growing up.When a child grows up with a raging insane parent they say nothing except what the angry unstable person wants to hear.My mother inlaw also has a memorial shrine in rememberance of the daughter she could no longer control after we became married.Her mother also uses words like "WIN" in her vocabulary of instability and competition.Sane people don't try to "WIN" in relationships because healthy people realize that relatioships are not about [control and dominance.As a son inlaw that has been in Adams position for almost 30 years and fearing for his safety I became sick of the abuse 3 years ago and gave up.I can give Adam some advice that worked for me.Take your family and RUN  or have her charged and committed___if___Bambi doesn't get therapy and act in a non violent way.Doctor Phil often says that you can predict future behavior form past behavior and that has been SO TRUE in our dealings with Mommy Dearest.

  It was so wonderful to hear that a marriage has survived this insanity.  We have been married for many years, yet after all that time she can still bring so much tention to our lives even though we have "cut her out"  I had to see an lawyer 4 yrs ago to stop her.  Still there are instances that she is around that we have had to deal with.  One being only a month ago when she of course caused a seen with my husband at a very public place.  Threats flew from her about what she would do when the day came that she would be in touch with our childeren- "and it will happen"  Our children are still small, so right now it is easy to control who they are in contact with, but i know this will change as they get older.  Any advice for that?  We have been open with them and NEVER speak ill of her in their presence.  I will never play the mind games that she did.  I  feel I am a pretty good mother IN SPITE of my upbringing. .  I credit my father for my will to be a good parent, wife, member of the community.  We have thought about picking up and moving away, but I cant do that due to other family members. I can't deprive my children of extended family that loves them very much because of their grandmother that really, if the truth be told, now only wants them so that she can "win"  Thru the lawyer she was told that I did not wish this to be forever, she had to make the first step and get help then contact me-she has not done this.  Now after all this time I dont think I even want that after realizing how peaceful and enjoyable life can be without constant worry and stress.  Holidays are WONDERFUL, I hated them before.  Just and invitation to chaos, cheap shots, insults, and making me misserable.
 
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kivarocks
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July 4, 2008, 8:21 am PDT

YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

Quote From: hzby6897

  It was so wonderful to hear that a marriage has survived this insanity.  We have been married for many years, yet after all that time she can still bring so much tention to our lives even though we have "cut her out"  I had to see an lawyer 4 yrs ago to stop her.  Still there are instances that she is around that we have had to deal with.  One being only a month ago when she of course caused a seen with my husband at a very public place.  Threats flew from her about what she would do when the day came that she would be in touch with our childeren- "and it will happen"  Our children are still small, so right now it is easy to control who they are in contact with, but i know this will change as they get older.  Any advice for that?  We have been open with them and NEVER speak ill of her in their presence.  I will never play the mind games that she did.  I  feel I am a pretty good mother IN SPITE of my upbringing. .  I credit my father for my will to be a good parent, wife, member of the community.  We have thought about picking up and moving away, but I cant do that due to other family members. I can't deprive my children of extended family that loves them very much because of their grandmother that really, if the truth be told, now only wants them so that she can "win"  Thru the lawyer she was told that I did not wish this to be forever, she had to make the first step and get help then contact me-she has not done this.  Now after all this time I dont think I even want that after realizing how peaceful and enjoyable life can be without constant worry and stress.  Holidays are WONDERFUL, I hated them before.  Just and invitation to chaos, cheap shots, insults, and making me misserable.

    She is trying to [CONTROL you with FEAR] so you feel vulnerable and insecure.Much like she probably did to you in your childhood ? I can see that you are a very wise person and I know that you will deal with any situation that ___[may]___ come up in the future.So trust your intuition and common sense which you have an abundance of.You don't really have to move to have peace.You just have to maintain your boundries and everything will be fine.Our problems went on for nearly 30 years because we did not have CLEAR defined boundries or the doctor Phil show for education, support and empowerment. 
 
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dr_lindac
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July 7, 2008, 2:55 pm PDT

06/30 Inappropriate In-laws

Quote From: ptchaney

I simply do not understand why Dr. Phil did not tell Bambi straight to her face that she had mental health issues severe enough that her daughter was absolutely justified in cutting off contact with her.  Bambi needs to seek treatment in a residential setting where she cannot harm herself or others.  If I were Kendra and Adam, there would be restraining orders in place and I would have moved across the country.  Kendra and Adam are doing everything they can to keep their child safe from extremely unstable person "who has a history of taking children" she believes are being neglected.  When Kendra said that, I got a cold chill down my spine.  Bambi is a ticking time bomb.  Dr. Phil should have told Kendra and Adam that they should protect themselves in every practical and legal means available to them, and cut off contact completely.  Until Bambi successfully completes a treatment regimen designed to reorient her to the real world, she should be hospitalized.  Bambi persists in blaming Adam for things that any rational person would understand were not his fault.  Bambi has assaulted Adam and admits to trying to kill him.  These are not the actions and attitudes of a rational, sane human being. 
Totally agree.  Bambi has either a serious mental health issue or a drug problem of some sort.  No amount of talking or common sense is going to help her see that she's the problem.  Sad.
 
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