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Topic : 05/06 Moochers

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Created on : Friday, May 02, 2008, 01:20:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They drain your finances and try to take you for all you’ve got. No, it’s not the IRS, but family freeloaders! First up, when Ryan appeared on the show two years ago, he proudly wore the title King of All Moochers. His mother, Adele, was desperate to get him off the couch and out of her house. After the show, Adele took Dr. Phil’s advice and didn’t give Ryan one penny. But just when she thought her son was getting on his feet, she says Ryan was back to his old ways. She says he’s not contributing to the baby he has with his ex-girlfriend and is about to marry Tanya, a woman with a 5-year-old son, who is now pregnant with his child! Now that Ryan and Tanya have another baby on the way, Ryan says he’s serious about changing his mooching ways. Will he step up to the plate and be a father, or is Tanya just another victim of Ryan’s  freeloading lifestyle? Then, Stacey says her 42-year-old brother, Mark, is bleeding her dry. He lives in her basement and hasn’t paid rent in three months. Mark says he’s not a moocher, and it’s not his fault he doesn’t have a job -- he’s just not a morning person. Stacey says her mother, Nell, is a big enabler when it comes to Mark, but is Stacey just as guilty? Will Mark hear the wake-up call before he finds himself on the streets? Tell us what you think.

Find out what happened on the show.


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lynlovel
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May 7, 2008, 8:17 pm PDT

doormat ot parent?

Quote From: uglyiest

No matter what anyone says it is not as easy as you think to just kick someone out of your house.

I dont just let my moochers stay with me because it makes me feel good. I hate that they are there. I let them stay because there is nowhere else for them to go. I cant just throw my daughter out onto the streets, she has 3 little boys and they have deadbeat dads who are currently running from state to state to keep from paying child support.  She also has a lot of medical problems.  I have 3 grown adults mooching off me yet I have no idea how to stop it.  I support 6 other people besides myself on one measly check. It is hard to stand up for yourself when you have been treated like dirt all your life.

 

Besides I have never had a backbone and have never been able to stand up for myself. I have always been a doormat.

 you're not a doormat -- you're a parent -- and a grandparent. i think it's very natural for parents/grandparents to do this sort of thing.  ok,i know it's just as natural for some people to do the tough love thing. but thata's besides the point.

what worries me isthat you say you're supporting 2 other adults besides your daughter. iget the daughter and grandkids but not the other 2. how about this? tell the other 2 that your daughter and grandkids  are your top priority. if you're to do your best by them, you can't continue to support the other 2. give them 30 days to get out. don't listen to any protests or hard luck stories, no matter what. (they'll have places to go if they get jobs and studio apartments -- or even just a room somewhere.)  i know this won't solve the whole problem -- you'll stillhave your daughter'sfamily -- but it's a beginning.

i'm also concerned that the thrust of your letter changes about half-way through. first,you say you can't kick them out for reasons of conscience (they have nowhere to go, etc.).then you say it'sbecause you've been 'treated like dirt all your life." are you suffering from low self-esteem? then you may need counseling to help you out of this situation. is that possible?

you then go on to say you've "never had a backbone." or is it just that you're a very kind person? right now it's very popular to be tough, but taht doesnt mean it's wrong to be kind. you may just need to set some priorities (family first, for example) and try to be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

about feeling good --  i'd like to add that some tougher parents are that way because that's what makes them feel good. they don't always do it because they know it will be best for their kids -- sometimes it's not/sometimes they just go on to mooch off of someone else, as we saw on the show. as much as they love their kids, some parents feel better when they can show the world they practiced tough love. of course, sometimes it's the only way to save themselves financially and maybe mentally -- i get that -- but my point here is that their motives can be just as self-serving as those of some enablers. it's a lot more complex than what they said on the show.

good luck to you!
 
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moorka2
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May 7, 2008, 8:19 pm PDT

A word of hope :)

Quote From: diamondhead

Thank you for your nice words. But it's true. You've raised your kids the right way I'm sure. Don't you remember going without when you were a kid? Whats wrong with going without? These kids today ACT LIKE THEY HAVE TO HAVE IT??? Then the parents FEEL BAD???? I don't get it?? Well I'm glad you agree with me. Not too many parents do I'm sure. Because if they agreed with me, they might have to accept that the reason why their kids are moochers is because they  SPOILED THEM ROTTEN!!!!!!!!  They don't want to acknowledge that??  But anyway, I'm sure your kids will do great in life. Just like I know mine will.

      Thanks again

I'm 26 and a single mom of 3 and that's exactly how I was raised. It's nice to see there really are still other parents who raise their children like that. I EARNED my allowance when I was a child by doing age-appropriate housework. I have held steady work since I was 16 because I knew if I wanted to buy something, I HAD TO PAY FOR IT. I did move in with my mom for about 1 1/2 years after my divorce because my children were so small but I kept right on working and funded my mom's retirement. I've now been a first-time homeowner for 1 year and even though I struggle for money, I know that if I need more money I need to work more or harder. My mom and I are very close and I would say this may be one of the biggest reasons why. I appreciate her teaching me to want to support myself, and she seems to respect that I'm doing just that. And I see shows like this and these ideas of letting someone pay your bills for you just boggles my mind. My point is that there is hope out there and perhaps more parents will see the value of this and teach their children to be productive and responsible members of society.
 
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lynlovel
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May 7, 2008, 8:27 pm PDT

terrific post!

Quote From: getrealtime

hate to hear you speak so unkind about yourself, Doormates get wore out and you need to replace them, so when you get wore out, you should start throwing things out , start with one of the three moochers  kick them out, and your backbone will start to grow, and pride in yourself as well. and with each moocher you remove you will get stronger and easier. but you have to make the first step, don't worry the others moochers will support you in removing the first moocher, more for them. they just wouldn't  realize that you will be growing a backbone to kick them to the curb too.

 

                                                        

good luck

 wish i'd seen this post before i wrote my own. i suggested starting by getting rid of the other 2 moochers, also, but i didn't think of ditching 1 at a time. so often people tell someone to "get a backbone," but who can "grow" one overnight? it takes a gradual approach like this to build up the strength. very wise.
 
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lynlovel
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May 7, 2008, 8:33 pm PDT

about deadlines

Quote From: getrealtime

We all make choices in are lifes, you don't think he thought that one day the sister, or her husband was going to kick his butt to the curb???? he is 42 years old, and he lives off the kindness of others,

you could give him a month, and he would have a good excuse for you not to kick him out, so at the end of that month you are back in the same place, feeling guilty about kicking him out and him living in his car, she has waited long enough for her brother to grow up, time to start thinking of her family first and their needs, I bet her husband thinks of her brother still sleeping in his house and eating his food he paid for, every time he walks out the door to go to work.and the anger of that is going to give him a heart attack. it would any man.

 the thing would be to make upher mind she won't acceptany excuses at the end of the month. maybe enlist the help of that husband. she could say soemthing like, "if you let me give him a month, i'll kick him out at the end -- or if i can't, i won't object if you do." they would be acting as a team instead of fighting each other.

but of course, she also needs to realize that her husband and kids come before her brother. so hard to have to choose, but if you do, spouse and kids must come first.
 
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moorka2
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May 7, 2008, 8:37 pm PDT

Aaargh!!!

Quote From: nasale

 This girl is so self-serving and immature its not funny. She's a perfect match for someone like Ryan. Any girl who KNOWS that a man who has a  kid that he does not contribute emotionally or financially, then turns right around and gets pregnant by him, needs a reality check.  She is more interested in what Tanya can get out of it. GROW UP, Tanya!  IT's got nothing to do with Ryan's ex-clean up your own mess!
Exactly! I just want to shake this girl! It seems that she's decided to go through with this marriage just to prove everybody wrong and somehow this Ryan guy will stop being the person he's been for 27 years and suddenly be somebody else. Just because he'll be married... I'd say she deserves whatever punishment he dishes out but there's these 2 children she's involving him with. He's proved that he has no pride and there is no "low" that's too low. Tanya doesn't have the right to force her children to learn these hard lessons. Part of being a fit parent is making sure you don't expose your children to these deplorable persons. Why is that so hard for some parents?!?
 
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lynlovel
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May 8, 2008, 12:10 am PDT

tanya and ryan

Quote From: nancy24

If Tanya left the show with her hands in the air, I can't blame her.  I smacked my forehead at the illogic of telling Tanya not to expose her 5 year old to more potential losses by marrying Ryan.  The horse is already out of the barn!! He's already living in the apartment with the 5 year old!  A baby is already on the way!

 

Having said that, why are two women in one year pregnant by this guy?  Doesn't anyone date and then get married and then maybe have children?  I don't get it.

i was thinking that too about his already living there. and even if she doesn't mary him, it does not mean she will kick him out of the apartment or her life. it's not as if their getting married would make this situation any different for the children, either the one that's here or the on on the way. if anything, getting married gives some dignity to this whole mess -- not much but some. unfortunately, it may make it harder for tanya to getrid of ryan if she ever comes to her senses and sees him for who he is.but that may not be for a long time. "love is blind,"  even if not incurably.

about mariage and babies -- i read a statistic recnetly that says about 40%of babies today are born out-of-wedlock.  of course, not all the dads  are deadbeats or moochers. and it also means that 60% of babies are still born within the context of marriage. but 40% is a high number.

i know a few people who think that's great. i have a cousin who says it's wonderful that young couples can go ahead and have kids without having to get married.  nobody has to pay for a wedding, etc. personally, i stillprefer the commitment of marriage -- i guess i'm old-fashioned that way.

but more important than whether a couple gets married or not, i think, is the way they conduct their lives and relationship  and the kind of environment they provide for any kids they might hve. they really should be financially sound and emotionally stable before they start bringing kids into the mix.

but too late to tell that to tanya and ryan, of course. hopefully, he'll decide to straighten up or she'll get him to do it -- orshe'll realize she needs to start a new life and, in time,find a more responsible husband for herself and stepdad for her kids.
 
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diamondhead
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May 8, 2008, 3:45 am PDT

GOOD FOR YOUR MOM

Quote From: moorka2

I'm 26 and a single mom of 3 and that's exactly how I was raised. It's nice to see there really are still other parents who raise their children like that. I EARNED my allowance when I was a child by doing age-appropriate housework. I have held steady work since I was 16 because I knew if I wanted to buy something, I HAD TO PAY FOR IT. I did move in with my mom for about 1 1/2 years after my divorce because my children were so small but I kept right on working and funded my mom's retirement. I've now been a first-time homeowner for 1 year and even though I struggle for money, I know that if I need more money I need to work more or harder. My mom and I are very close and I would say this may be one of the biggest reasons why. I appreciate her teaching me to want to support myself, and she seems to respect that I'm doing just that. And I see shows like this and these ideas of letting someone pay your bills for you just boggles my mind. My point is that there is hope out there and perhaps more parents will see the value of this and teach their children to be productive and responsible members of society.

First of all>>>CONGRADULATIONS on owning your first house!!!  THATS AWESOME!!!!  Second thing is that I see nothing wrong with you having to move in with your mom for awhile. You were going through some hard times then. Thats alot different then what these kids are doing today. I'm very happy your life turned out good for you. And YES your mother must be a wonderful mother,because shes done a great job in raising you. I really hope this generation starts to turn things around. It's really getting redicules!!!  I know parents that have put themselves in the poor house trying to keep up with paying for all their ADULT childrens things!!!!  Well it was very nice talking to you. And I hope you have peace and happiness for the remainder of it.    Take care
 
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getrealtime
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May 8, 2008, 5:04 am PDT

05/06 Moochers

Quote From: lynlovel

 the thing would be to make upher mind she won't acceptany excuses at the end of the month. maybe enlist the help of that husband. she could say soemthing like, "if you let me give him a month, i'll kick him out at the end -- or if i can't, i won't object if you do." they would be acting as a team instead of fighting each other.

but of course, she also needs to realize that her husband and kids come before her brother. so hard to have to choose, but if you do, spouse and kids must come first.

He needs to get out of the sistes house now, she has children, who see a 42 year old man living off her, can't be showing them what repect is. could of taught them kindness in the beggining, if the brother would of stayed only a month or two to get himself together, what is it 3 years now. the children are hiding food in their rooms because mom is to weak to kick him out, what is that teaching them? No she needs to kick him out, now. but his stuff in storage and  and he can  stay at the mothers house for a month, and she needs to kick him out, did any one hear why he doesn't live with the mother?maybe her husband doesn't want him there. lol and that is why she pushes the daughter to put up with him!!

but I don't know. just opinion...
 
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KateBauer
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May 8, 2008, 6:51 am PDT

Tanya,Tanya,Tanya

Quote From: lynlovel

 the thing would be to make upher mind she won't acceptany excuses at the end of the month. maybe enlist the help of that husband. she could say soemthing like, "if you let me give him a month, i'll kick him out at the end -- or if i can't, i won't object if you do." they would be acting as a team instead of fighting each other.

but of course, she also needs to realize that her husband and kids come before her brother. so hard to have to choose, but if you do, spouse and kids must come first.
Good grief girl Ryan is a looser with a capital L. Obviously you make very bad decisions, you have a young son, now pregnant (not married) and you are not living in reality. He needs to become a man, not just a breeder, and support his daughter. Now, your second child will not be supported either. You are either very naive or very stupid to fall for such a looser. He isn't even very attractive, what is it you see in him? It is beyond me.
If that ring is real you need to have him return it and give half to the first baby and put away half for your baby.
 
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JWL123
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May 8, 2008, 8:41 am PDT

Very low self esteem

Quote From: lynlovel

 you're not a doormat -- you're a parent -- and a grandparent. i think it's very natural for parents/grandparents to do this sort of thing.  ok,i know it's just as natural for some people to do the tough love thing. but thata's besides the point.

what worries me isthat you say you're supporting 2 other adults besides your daughter. iget the daughter and grandkids but not the other 2. how about this? tell the other 2 that your daughter and grandkids  are your top priority. if you're to do your best by them, you can't continue to support the other 2. give them 30 days to get out. don't listen to any protests or hard luck stories, no matter what. (they'll have places to go if they get jobs and studio apartments -- or even just a room somewhere.)  i know this won't solve the whole problem -- you'll stillhave your daughter'sfamily -- but it's a beginning.

i'm also concerned that the thrust of your letter changes about half-way through. first,you say you can't kick them out for reasons of conscience (they have nowhere to go, etc.).then you say it'sbecause you've been 'treated like dirt all your life." are you suffering from low self-esteem? then you may need counseling to help you out of this situation. is that possible?

you then go on to say you've "never had a backbone." or is it just that you're a very kind person? right now it's very popular to be tough, but taht doesnt mean it's wrong to be kind. you may just need to set some priorities (family first, for example) and try to be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

about feeling good --  i'd like to add that some tougher parents are that way because that's what makes them feel good. they don't always do it because they know it will be best for their kids -- sometimes it's not/sometimes they just go on to mooch off of someone else, as we saw on the show. as much as they love their kids, some parents feel better when they can show the world they practiced tough love. of course, sometimes it's the only way to save themselves financially and maybe mentally -- i get that -- but my point here is that their motives can be just as self-serving as those of some enablers. it's a lot more complex than what they said on the show.

good luck to you!

Yes I do have very low self esteem.  I was abused as a child and have been put down all my life.

The other moocher is also my daughter whose self esteem and self worth is as low if not lower than mine.

She is in a program that will help her to get a job, she is also in counseling.

 

I am 46 years old and feel that it is way too late for me. What is the use now?

 
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