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Topic : 05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

Number of Replies: 936
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Created on : Friday, May 02, 2008, 01:29:24 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
When is it time to call it quits in a marriage? Jason and Shani have been married 11 years and have three young sons. Jason recently found out that Shani has been having an affair with her friend's husband. He is devastated and will do anything to save his marriage. Shani says she tried for two years to warn Jason that she needed more from him, but she says he ignored the signs. She's moved out of their house and says she's ready to move into the arms of Greg, her boyfriend of three months. What does she say is her only regret? Next, hear what Greg has to say about their relationship. Why do his comments infuriate Jason? Then, Shani's sister, Amber, who wrote to the show, weighs in. What does she have to say about her sibling's infidelity? When Dr. Phil tells Shani what he thinks needs to happen, will she take his advice? Is there hope for this couple on the brink of divorce?  Tell us what you think.

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May 8, 2008, 7:20 am CDT

the kids

ill tell ya if you think it wont hurt them kids your nuts my dad left my mom when i was 8 years old now im 43 an  it still hurts ive been in trouble all my live because my dad was not there now bouth my parents are dead and i shure wished they could have fixed it your only deserve the best thank you
 
May 8, 2008, 7:20 am CDT

is this marriage really over

Quote From: showstudier

  Jason,

  She's a tramp!! Normally I'd say go to her and hope for the best but this Woman (I'm at ends to call her that) is making you think that your the problem!! Don't you believe it!! It's all her!!

  If you think you have problems now just wait till she sinks her claws in you again!! No!! Don't you do it!!

 You take your children and find you somebody to love and share respect with!!

  I saw all these postings for Greg!! Well Let Greg take care of her!!! He'll be where your at in a few months!! I Guarantee!!!

                    Lots of Luck!! I Know you can do it!!

I will tell you what.  We will wait till you make a mistake and i will sit there and call you names and be a witch about it with a capital B.  You need some help yourself. You are so judgemental, i think you are the one with the problem!  I dont agree with what she did, but i am not going to sit there and call her names, that is so low class!  We dont know her circumstances or what kind of life she led before she had the affair . Its people like you that make the world a ugly place.

Good luck Jason and Shani i hope that you can wok through this crisis in your marriage, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

 
May 8, 2008, 7:21 am CDT

Finish This Relationship First.

Shani definitely needs to suspend her relationship with Greg for now.  It is necessary to finish the present relationship one way or the other.  Been there, done that, but I could never move on until everything was brought to an end and I could leave without looking back.  I will also tell her that (to put it in your words) the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  If he's cheating on his wife now, chances he will with her as well.  Greg is so devoid of emotion and conscience when it comes to family and children that i don't think it will work or be any different with her.

 

Shani, finish things here first then move on or stay which ever is better, but trust me you won't be able to do either until you do.  Good Luck.

 
May 8, 2008, 7:22 am CDT

STOP BEING SELFISH

Shanni should be ashamed of herself. When you choose to have kids they must come first. Sex isn't everything. If he will cheat on his wife and kids he'll cheat on you too. WAKE UP!!
 
May 8, 2008, 7:25 am CDT

my life replayed....

I almost felt like I was watching my own life replayed while watching Shani struggle with her feelings.  I left my first husband, the father of my 3 children, because I was always alone and felt unloved.   I thought the new man in my life who was paying attention to me was the answer to my prayers.   My children were devastated by my divorce but were good about welcoming a new 'daddy' into their lives.

Well, guess what?   That relationship which started out with good intentions and marriage ended too.  Then I had another relationship and my children welcomed the newest man into their lives.   After 7 years...that ended.   My children don't even want to meet the newest man in my life now and that has caused a deep family rift.   Can I blame them?   No.

My children have truly been affected by the relationship changes in my life and if I could do it all over again...I would try to work things out with their father.  I look back over the decisions I made and realize they were made with emotions and not concrete thinking.   I cannot have a do-over for my life but I beg Shani to reconsider to save her family.    Once you leave a relationship to move on to another one it just becomes that much easier to make it a habit.  It leaves me with a sad feeling of detachment and a longing for a life I can never ever have.    No fiftieth wedding anniversaries, no family gatherings without drama.   I'll never forget the time we all helped my daughter move from one college dorm to another.   We all went out to eat and there was her father with his girlfriend, my ex husband #2 with his girlfriend and myself with my boyfriend.   Someone asked my daughter who all the people were and she hesitated and said, "They are.....all .....my parents."    It felt like it should have been an episode on Jerry Springer.

I can say with sad experience and a wisdom now that I wish I had back then - the sanctity of the family is a treasure that should be preserved at all cost.

 
May 8, 2008, 7:27 am CDT

05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

I am a 38 year-old mother of 3 children, ages 8,9 & 18mths.  I have been in my second marriage for 3 years.  Unlike Shaney I did not go outside of my 1st marriage when things went downhill with my first marriage.  I was married for 8 years and tried and tried to get my husband to understand how serious I was about mine and the children's needs.  He would go to work then play video games and look at porn till all hours of the night.  I tried counseling for quite sometime and nothing seem to change the way he was.  We were fighting on a daily basis and the children could sense that we were not happy together - this went on for years.   Because of this I had to make the change.  We seperated and then were divorced.  Eventually I found someone else and we married.  The boys are split between my ex and I.  We get along great now that we aren't married to one another.  He is a good dad, I am a good mom.  Is it the ideal situation?  No.  Did I want to get divorced and have the kids go back and forth between homes?  No.  But the kids seem MUCH happier now.  They do not see the verbal and physical abuse that me and my ex used to go through weekly.  There is peace in my home and my ex's home.  They understand that they are loved.  It is NOT an ideal situation, but it is much better than how it would have been if I stayed.  If Shaney is no longer in LOVE with her husband, I doubt she can get that back.  It took several years for her husband to take that away from her and it would take twice as long to get it back.  Life is too short to stay in a miserable, broken, unrepairable marriage.  I believe the boys are probably having a rougher time staying in the home with two parents who, for years, have not been in tune with each other.  The boys pick up on it.  I think it's worse to stay together for the sake of the children for this reason.  Shaney has given it HER ALL - AND THEN SOME.  It is time for a separation and eventually, probably, a divorce.  Do I think she needs to have GREG in the picture?  Probably not.  But they are involved now and I don't see them NOT seeing one another anymore.  If they were able to keep it more on a "friendly" basis I think this would help the matter.  Shaney seems like a wonderful woman that has been through so much.  She deserves to be happy and the boys deserve to have some peace in their lives - even if their parents are no longer married. 

Shaney - I wish you luck through this journey.  This, ultimately, is YOUR life.  You gave your husband several years to make up his mind about what HE wanted to do - he didn't take that opportunity.  It's now YOUR turn to decide how YOUR life is going to be.  You only get one chance.

If you end up getting a divorce it will be THE HARDEST thing you will ever have to go through.  Coming from someone who has been through it - there is life after a divorce.  If I were still married now I know that things would still be the same and three years of my life would have passed me by. 

 I hope that you and your beautiful boys can find peace and happiness.

 
May 8, 2008, 7:29 am CDT

long term affects of divorce

Quote From: memeinnc

I was married for 16 yrs with 2 sons.  I too left my husband for another man.  I am now married to someone else, not the man I left my maariage for.  He is still married.  he convunced me to leave my husband and I later discovered he was having an affair with several other women besides me. 

But what I really wanted to comment about is the future of Shanni's three boys.  My boys are grown and both have emotional scars from their parents dicorce, because we weren't there for them.    One is married with 2 beautiful little girls, but he has anger management problems and is also an alcoholic(neither of his parents drink).  My younger son has never married(he's 35 ys old).  He has had several relationships, but when they begin to get serious he always finds a reason to break it off.  He has always told me he would not have children, because he would not take the chance of hurting them like his parents hurt him.  So Shanni, don't think that your boys won't have permanent scars from a divorce, they will.

 I completely agree with you memeinnc.

I was insulted when Greg on today's show kept saying his children and Shani's would not suffer any long term affects from divorce.

 I'm 37 and my parents were divorced when I was 10. The events which led up to my parent's divorce, everything that happened during the divorce process and the aftermath of their divorce has affected my sisters and me our whole lives.

I've dealt with feelings of low self-worth. I've spent a good portion of my life striving to be perfect because then no one will leave. I've struggled with trust issues. My relationship with parents has suffered. I spent a lot of time hating my stepmother. I know other children of divorce experience the same issues.

I'm amazed Greg doesn't think his or Shani's children will not suffer long term affects from the affair  and the two divorces. Greg and Shani are obviously not thinking about their children.
 
May 8, 2008, 7:29 am CDT

SAME SITUATION...ALMOST

Hello! My husband was married to a woman for almost 11 yrs and she also had an affair.  They have three boys from this marriage, had a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood. She had an affair with another man who was also married that had a pregnant wife at home along with a three year old at the time.  It's now been 4 years.  In a way I am so glad that my husband's ex-wife did what she did because I would have never met such a wonderful man nor would I of had my beautiful baby boy, whom will be a year old at the end of this month.

The one thing that really makes me mad about this situation that we are in is that the ex-wife or the other man (they are married now...they got married a day before my husband and I did and didn't involve the children nor did they tell them until a month later) have acknowledged or admitted where they have gone wrong.  The ex-wife treats me, along with her husbands ex-wife as we were the ones that had the affair.  They are both still very bitter and angry with EVERYTHING.  She makes unilateral decisions with the children; doesn't allow the children to come to our home after-school during her custodial weeks - they have to go to daycare, which my husband and I have to pay for even though we don't use the service....I could go on and on....

I would just like some advice as to what to do to help these idiots move on and get over their anger....although I am sure it's something that they need to do themselves.

If anyone has any answers it would be greatly appreciated.

-MIGOODWIFE  :-)

 

 
May 8, 2008, 7:30 am CDT

05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

Like others here have spoken....I, too, was married for 7 years to a wonderful man that I was convinced I had fallen out of love with.  We had 2 children, a little girl who was just turning 5 and a little boy who was almost 3.  Yep, I left them, I left him, I left the house, the furniture, absolutely everything except my clothing.  I even paid $400.00 a month in support to him and took over $10,000.00 in credit cards so that he could afford to "go on without me."  That was back in 1980.  My daughter came back to me when she was 13 and I got to see first-hand how scarred she was and STILL is at 35 years old.  She is constantly seeking the attention and affection of anyone in her circle, especially her husband.  I fear that she will look for that affection later on down the road, away from her husband, just because of what I put her through.  My son is better adjusted but he has shown me over and over how much he needed his mother all those years.  I thank God above that my children, as adults, have forgiven me for what I did to them and how I did it, but the guilt that I still carry  is enormous and I try to make up for it on a daily basis.

 

For these people to think that there will be no long-term effects on their children, they are simply self-absorbed in themselves, totally irresponsible and totally selfish.  I KNOW.  I've been there.  I pray that they will realize this, step back, and change the course of their path right now.  End a relationship BEFORE you enter into a new one. 

 

Plus, the fact that she has left her home, left her kids, tells me that she is simply excited about being a single woman.  Once again, I KNOW.  I've been there. 

 

I hope someone is able to make them realize what they are doing.  So very sad........

 

By the way, I didn't stay with the man that I "thought" I had fallen in love with and had encouraged me to leave my family.  But, I am married now for 28 years to a man that loves me and we have our problems sometimes, but I learned you don't turn away from the people that love you and care about you.  You talk to them about how you're feeling and you stick it out.  You don't run.

 
May 8, 2008, 7:31 am CDT

05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

Quote From: memeinnc

I was married for 16 yrs with 2 sons.  I too left my husband for another man.  I am now married to someone else, not the man I left my maariage for.  He is still married.  he convunced me to leave my husband and I later discovered he was having an affair with several other women besides me. 

But what I really wanted to comment about is the future of Shanni's three boys.  My boys are grown and both have emotional scars from their parents dicorce, because we weren't there for them.    One is married with 2 beautiful little girls, but he has anger management problems and is also an alcoholic(neither of his parents drink).  My younger son has never married(he's 35 ys old).  He has had several relationships, but when they begin to get serious he always finds a reason to break it off.  He has always told me he would not have children, because he would not take the chance of hurting them like his parents hurt him.  So Shanni, don't think that your boys won't have permanent scars from a divorce, they will.

 Shani, should have thought about the consequences of her affair with Greg. The Most important person, she has to give an account to, is the Lord. I think that she was wrong, regardless of the circumstances.  If her was not paying any attention to her. She still does not suppose to go out and sleep with someone else. She should her more respect for herself than that. When you are having problems in your marriage, you need to set down and talk them out. When you go out and have an affair it causes the children to suffer in the long run. Most of all, They should have put the Lord first in their lives and marriage. When you put the Lord first and live for him, you won't have anything to worried about then. He will fix things for you and your spouse when you are having problems. Whatever problems you have, in your marriage, just give them to the Lord, he'll fix it . Butttt you have to trust in Him. The Lord is able to do all things
 
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