Topic : 05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

This woman is no prize. Once a cheater always a cheater. In my opinion any man who dates a woman that is cheating on her husband is an idiot. One day they'll be the husband and then they'll be the one she's cheating on!

Too bad the show's message can't be taught in schools or at home or implanted in past relationships.

If my ex-girlfriend would have behaved the way Dr. Phil suggests, our lives would have been much different.

I love the messages from Dr. Phil about completing an existing relationship before investing any of yourself in a new relationship and that we must "Earn" ourselves out of a relationship. We need to remember that "Suffering" is not the same as earning.

I've certainly leared these lessons and I'm sure, in the future,  it will make me a much better partner.

Too bad we can't share this with our lost loves and change what happened. The future is our opporunity to behave as if we've learned from our thousand lessons.

Thanks for the guidance!

I hope they choose to make an investment in their marriage. I have no doubts she "Finally" has his undivided attention. He will be a better partner and father and she will be a better partner and mother.

I was in a simuilar situation 5 years ago,I was in a 13 year marriage and my husband had an affair, we had 2 young children. I tried to save the marriage but he wouldn't have of it. after only 2 months, I met someone and moved on. my family members tried to convince me that it was too soon, that all the problems and issues would follow me into the new relationship, it did. now going into my 3rd year of marriage, I still have trust, communication and anger issues I dont feel that it was healthy to start a relationship before the other was completly over. It did hurt the children and still to this day almost 5 years later, It still does!

You are so right about a man not being designed to fill all of a woman's needs.  I think i will rethink my "list" as well.  This advice (at least it seems like that to me lol) could not come at a better time.  Thanks for this opinion!

I watched the show, and of course I think what Shanni is doing is wrong. It's not really for anyone to say that she should stay married or get a divorce. We're not in their situation, and we don't know the whole story. What most people can all agree on through, is that she's making a huge mistake in how she's handling this.
Whatever she decides to do, I hope she choses to do it the right way. I don't think she's thinking straight right now. She's just swept up in the romance and the escape that this affair is providing for her.... right now.
She's got to know that the newness will eventually wear off, and real life will be waiting to challenge her and Greg's relationship. They're both facing divorces, and possibly some ugly custody battles, (not to mention the financial hardships). It sounds like Greg's wife is less than happy about the situation, and I'm sure that Shanni's husband will be less than supportive if she does decide to leave to be with Greg.
It's more likely than not, that things are going to be ugly and stressful as this situation progresses. I highly doubt this new relationship that began in infidelity, is going to be able to withstand what lies ahead. I'm not saying that to dump on Shanni, or to be mean. I'm pretty sure that statistics will back me up, (not to mention public opinion and common sense).
I haven't even touched on the impact this is all having on the kids right now, and that they will forever be changed by this. It was scary to hear that Greg doesn't think there will be any long term effects on any of the kids. I don't know if he's in denial or what, but everyone knows that is just wrong. His unwillingness to even think about it, and his arrogance and hostility spoke a great deal to his obvious character deficits. It starts to make you wonder if he's even a person that you'd want around your kids, (not to mention that he's a cheating pot head).
Bottom line is pretty much what Dr. Phil said to Shanni. It's about having enough maturity to step up and do the right thing for the health and well-being of your children. If you want a divorce, then get out of the back seat of Greg's car, and start acting like a responsible adult. Handle your business with some integrity, and protect your children from any further trauma.
The divorce in itself is going to be painful for them. Even in the most civilized, amicable divorces, it still is a huge loss and traumatic change for kids. They're going to need your undivided attention and a ton of support from both you and your husband to get through this.
For you to have further burdened your kids with this affair is just selfish and cruel. You didn't just check out of your marriage, you checked out on your kids. Your focus is on your boyfriend, and you're in "la-la land", to avoid your own pain. Well guess what? If you're in pain, and maybe feeling scared and stressed.... imagine how a little kid feels in this situation. As much as you might try to lie to yourself that they'll be "fine", you know better than that.
Do the right thing, you're a mom first. Children only have their parents to look to to fulfill their many needs. They are totally dependent on you, they have no other choice. It seems like you're a just a big kid with unmet needs yourself, who elbowed her way to the front of the line.
You are going to regret this for the rest of your life, and you'll have be accountable to your three grown sons someday about your actions. Aren't you even thinking about that right now? Don't you care about setting an example for your kids, and conducting yourself in a way that you can be proud of? Do you want your kids to have abandonment wounds, and possibly have your mistakes effect their marriages and adult lives?
This is all stuff to think long and hard about. It's not too late to stop all of this and start doing some damage control.
The last thing I want to say is that Dr. Phil was right when he said that Greg will be there six months from now if this is meant to be. If he loves you, and you guys really want to make a go of things... then trust that the relationship is strong enough to withstand a little time and some distance from each other. The thing is, I don't think that YOU believe or trust that what you have is strong enough to withstand being on a break. Your reaction said it all. You don't seem to have any confidence in this, yet you're willing to forever damage your sons to be with this man. It's the oldest story in the book, really. Low self esteem can drive women to do the craziest things. It's just too bad when there are children involved.
Please do what you know in your heart is right. Have enough love for your kids and for yourself to start making choices that are in your best interest. You will feel so much better about yourself when you're not living in guilt and shame anymore.

Typical cheaters. They are very selfish people and are only thinking of themselves. The poor kids. Try telling the kids the truth if you can't admit it to yourselves. Say,, Mommy / or in Gregs case/daddy decided that we are horny for each other and that is all that matters and you kids are garbage to me and don't deserve our attention or love. That's the facts folks so don't delude yourself into thinking you are right and entitled to be together. You should NOT have had kids at all if you can't be adult enough to do right by them. I know of couples who did the same thing without one thought for their kids and that says one thing SELFISH. Live with that. Your exciting partner will one day wake up and realize you are no prize either and may look for someone else but your kids are there for life and will resent you for this.

This is a really bizarre time for this show to come on the TV.  I have been having many of the same issues with my husband for the past year and 1/2 to two years.  Trust me the thought has crossed my mind more times than I can count.  I have been to counseling for the last year because of my "depression" and self esteem 2 things that I have never had to contend with in my life.  I have come so close.  When you need attention and can't find it from the person you married and the 1 person you should be able to depend on for the attention and they would rather do other things than talk to you about the 2 of you and your future, and like the wife said on TV she had tried many, many differen't things.  I believe her, because I know that I had tried many, many differnt things..  AT our stage he is accusing me of talking to an ex boy friend.  But yes I am, but like I said if the person who you thought you would be able to communicate with and share everytying with shuts you out, what is your next step?  I know she stated that she had tried counseling.  I myself had done the same thing for over 1 year.  My husband refused to go to couples counseling.  They didn't really get into whether or not he did.  Why is it now he wants 90 days to change and come around? She has been trying to get him to do this for quite sometime and it hasn't worked.  I am with her.  Just because its now on National TV, it shouldn't begin now.  It begins way back when she attempted to start talking and he ignored her.  I just wish I had the same instincts to do the same thing.  maybe eventually, I will say that is enough and move along.  But yes, I have 2 kids. but really, what is worse for them? Listening to the arguing all day and night (thats what happened to me w/my parents) or to seperate and actually let them see the parents love someone and kiss someone?     

Yes, you are right about my friend.  He is no trophy.  He does have substance issues of his own - though he is very much in denial about pot being a drug, whereas the woman he lives with was/is addicted to much harder drugs.  To be honest with you, because this friend of mine is someone I care about and have been close to for more than 20 years, it bothers me to hear that he is in such a mess and won't just end it.  I change my opinions daily.  Sometimes I tell him he needs to drop whoever else he is sleeping with on the side - and that could be anyone from a hooker to a stripper to an ex-girlfriend - and focus on repairing his current relationship and stop being so selfish and immature.  Other days, I tell him he needs to just get out of the relationship once and for all.  Start a new life.  Bbe a better dad and a happier, more fulfilled person.  I have even counseled him about choosing the 'right' person to fool around with on the side - IF he insists on doing it, against my suggestions - with the least chance of fallout and drama.  I mean, to a degree, I think his wife does know that he is not faithful, and I think she almost feels relieved that she doesn't have to 'service' him.  But at the same time, I am pretty sure that if she discovered he was having an affair with someone he loved, like an ex-girlfriend, that would be enough to send her packing.  It is just a dysfunctional, toxic situation all around, and I really think they need to just part ways and share the kids.  But I think that they are both too immature and scared to live separately and have to take care of the kids by themselves for periods of time, so they continue on with this charade.  Yes, my friend could leave IF he really wanted to, I believe.  Actually, I think he sees that it is not that easy to find regular women out there who don't mind having an affair with a married man, so he is getting frustrated and beginning to look at the possibility of finding someone he is really crazy about and then leaving the wife.  But he won't leave before it gets to that point, I don't think.  He wants to have his cake and eat it too.  Stay in the unhappy, miserable relationship with someone he can barely stand and who can barely stand him AND go out and resurrect a romance with an ex-girlfriend on the side, then leave once he knows he has someone to turn to.  If you ask me, I think his actions are going to push his wife out the door, and I am almost thinking that that is what my friend is hoping will happen.  He wants to do something to push the wife away, BUT he doesn't want to be the jerk who actually leaves.  It is very passive-aggressive and selfish.  As I said, I get disgusted with the whole thing, but I try to be a source of logic and reason!

Hi, can i tell you that as much as i despise the whole cheating thing and tend to be quite judgmental, i have to say to you that you are obviously very remorseful about what happened and you need to forgive yourself now.  You made a huge mistake but you are showing remorse and that is huge too. May i suggest, to help both yourself and the kids, to talk openly about it and tell them what a terrible thing it was and you know this and regret every moment and are sorry? I think that would do wonders to help them...if you haven't already.

 I think you give an interesting point...to come from someone who is a teacher....thanks! You really have a good idea of what happens, so great to see it through your eyes!