Topic : 08/20 Sister-in-Law from Hell

Happy is still married after 14 years.  Unhappy is divorced 6 months after the show.  You can't even agree with that???

I did watch the Show, and now I understad what you meant.  Our situation is so different from yours...

Believe me, I would trade her in a New York minute for any of you.  Families have to learn to blend, and usually, there are two sides to every story.  I really TRIED my hardest to get along with my Sister-in-law...but in my heart, I know it is NOT what she wants, so she creates an impossible situation and people dorp off..one by one.  I have joined the ranks.

My one sweet and very mellow sister-in-law who has a grandchild, blew her stack and stromed out 14 years ago.  Her son, Irish/Italian married a Jewish girl...they had the baby and decided to let the child see both religions and make her own choice as an adult.  So, they went to a wedding, we all were watching the baby...and the one from hell takes this infant...put on dripping water and begins to BAPTIZE her...causing the grandmother to very gently remove the baby, and leave, like a bat out of hell.  My Mother-in-law was still alive, and that didn't stop her.  She DID call, and was NOT so gentle.  I do not fault her one bit.  New rules were that my MIL could visit the baby only in their house, or my house...she never came, because of the VICTIM! 

I can overlook a lot...so when I saw the show, I just thought they had the wrong person...not that SHE'D go on any show.  Why would she?  It's us, not her.

I think the gesture of going on national television was a sign that at least you tried. 

I could write a BOOK about things she has done and said that were insensitive to race, religion, and ethnic differences.  It isn't only confined to those issues, it's just those are the things I cannot tolerate...no intervention will make me see that as being O.K.

I really didn't IMPLY it's all her, I flat out said it.  Honestly, I think she has very serious and dangerous issues with her brothers being married.  That is SICK, and when it filters down into involving children, it gets even more intolerable.

Sometimes you just have to cut people loose, even if they are family.  When it is a destructive situation and isn't getting any better, why subject yourself, your family, your children, etc... to that sort of thing? 

 

My MIL LOVES to play victim, lie, manipulate, etc...  I.E. in the one conversation I've had with my husband's parents this year, I told them that I felt like they were telling the truth when they said they missed my husband and child, but had my doubts that could really care less if I was around or not.  Of course, they VEHEMENTLY denied that!  Well, lo and behold, what does she do?  If I send photos of the grandbaby, she doesn't even acknowledge that she got them.  She has done it not once, but twice.  The first time, I even sent an email from my husband's account to see if she got them days later!  Right on cue, she replied immediately, thanking him and letting him know how cute he is and how big he's gotten, yada yada yada.  She knew DARN WELL that I'm the one that sent them.  I put them on a CD with a cute little cover that I made and included it with the thank you note for the birthday card they sent me. (Even I acknowledge when THEY do something!)

 

The next time I sent out photos, it was of his first haircut.  I don't expect every single person to reply.  But, since photos is really all she ever sees of him, you would THINK she'd be grateful.  At the very least she could write "got the pics, thanks."  As predicted, nearly 3 weeks later, I've heard nothing.

 

So, you start to think to yourself... "Maybe I'm imagining this.  Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out this than it really is."  So, I asked my husband to send some photos of our recent vacation.  Everything in my gut told me that she would reply, and probably even the same day.  Well, she replied and thanked him at 11:57 pm!!! 

 

I don't really care if she likes me or not.  She has made it abundantly clear that she does not.  But, at least be honest when someone calls you on it.  Why sit there with some pathetic, whiny look on your face and do everything you can to PRETEND that you're so broken up about this when everything you do shows that just isn't the case. 

 

My husband doesn't go visit them either.  He doesn't call them.  He doesn't make any more of an effort to see them than I do.  (Can't say that I blame him!)  So, why do they only dislike me?  Come to think of it, I think in a situation like this I would be more upset with my own child!  I would wonder why he just didn't come spend time with the family by himself.  I know it's because they blame me.  Whatever!  They refuse to accept the fact that he doesn't want to spend time with them any more than I do. 

 

Both of his brothers are divorced.  The sad truth is, I feel like they would be happier if all three of them were divorced!

"Maybe I'm imaging this"!  If you knew HOW many times I have said that to myself...moreso, in the earlier years, but it hit me that you have thought the same thing!  THAT, is what these people do...make you start to doubt yourself.  For whatever reason, they are very good at what they do.  Guess everyone has to excell at something!

I cut it off.  I agree with you that some in-laws have this possessive illness as to where they really would like to see their kids divorced, rather than to be happy, have families, and make good lives with their partners. 

How much effort CAN you make?  At first, yes, we think it could be us...then, you get really angry...I think THAT is what they try to accomplish.  Then, you get BEYOND angry, and hey, we're all human...so we say things out of this anger, frustration, hurt and really feeling helpless.  Once you do that (I did) now THEY become the VICTIM...their ultimate goal.  They hate it if you cool off, and try to make it work...trust me, it gets worse as they push more buttons.  Finally, like I did, people just give up.  You cut them out...and hope your life is peaceful.  I had to laugh...I live 5 minutes from her (damn it), so even though I was married at a very young age, which she knows, and am no where near the 60 year mark...I met a friend of hers, an acquaintance of mine, who gave me this "compliment".  My "facelift" looks great and you'd never know that I'm 60.  I was in shock..just smiled and asked who told her that?  Guess who?  So, on the line, in the supermarket, I took out my driver's license and showed it to this woman...saw in living color...50 is still a few years away.  Don't think I wasn't STEAMED, but to think she'll ever stop...no, I'm not that naive.

In our family there is my mom, my brother and me.  My Dad has passed away awhile ago.  I am not married.  My brother married SIL and they have two young children.  Not that this matters, but Brother and SIL are both the “baby” of their respective families.  The problem is that you can not have an adult conversation with either the Brother or SIL as they immediately become defensive and/or slighted and the conversation then becomes all about them, of how much they have done, how hard they work, how much more stress they have in their life then you have, poor us, etc.  So like the other people on this topic, if I can express my frustration and hurt and get it all out, maybe I will feel a little bit better.

 

Ever since my Dad passed away, I have been told by my brother that I am not welcome in the Family, that he is the only one that does anything for the Family, and then I get the “beatitudes according to Dad” to guilt either my Mom or myself in doing things his way such as “Dad would have wanted this..”  “Dad really loved doing this, therefore..”  He is the only one in the family that will throw this in someone’s face so he gets what he wants.  Otherwise, you are “imposing your will” if you disagree.

 

Of the many examples of their actions:

 

Personal Affects: When Dad died, my brother felt that he could use Dad’s boat whenever he wanted to, like it was an extension of himself and his for the taking.  When Mom sold it, he was angry that it was taken away from him – yet he never offered to buy it from her.  He did this with the skidoo as well.  As part of his inheritance, he received ½ the farmland; I received the truck.  He was more upset that I had actually received anything as apparently, as per his actions, everything was to go to him.  Every time I went home in the following years, all I would hear is that “you should give/sell the truck to me”.  What’s wrong with this picture – I received something not even worth $10,000 (but a lot of personal value to me) and he was upset after having receiving # of quarters of land worth a lot more.

 

Free Rent:  Brother decided that they would move to the farm from the City (2 hours away).  To date, Mom still has the other ½ of the land; my brother has not made any plans to buy her out.  Based on his actions, I think he is just expecting it to be given to him even though this would help Mom’s retirement.  When they moved, they both decided they did not want the farmhouse so built new.  House was not done in time, so I was asked if SIL and kids could live with me in the City until it was ready.  The other reason for her to stay in the City was that SIL would not have a comparable job once they moved back to the farm.  So, Brother figured it would be better for her to keep her job in the City while the house was being completed [he had secured a job off the farm that started right away and would live with Mom, rent-free, until the house was completed].  This temporarily situation was supposed to be 3 months – it turned into 6.  At the time, I was working full-time and studying for professional exams in the evenings but I made room for them so they could be comfortable.  I never charged them rent but indicated that she would have to pay for her LD calls.    I should mention that while she was living with me, her company underwent a reorganization and long-term employees were rewarded with a $1000 for each year they worked there – she received $10,000 (had she left in 3 months, she would not have received -0-).  After the house was finished, they decided that the money earned by SIL was a good thing and that she should continue working in the City for another 3 months.  They were making these plans but did not feel it necessary to even ask me if she could stay.  My brother’s argument was that, since they were paying “rent”, this should not be a big deal – but he immediately started to sulk when I pointed out that they were not paying rent and, not that I minded helping out, but my understanding of this arrangement was that it was a temporary thing.  Plus I was in the middle of my professional courses that I needed to focus on.  He went off in a huff.  SIL then tried to rent an apartment and soon realized this could only be done with a minimum 6 month lease.  So SIL (not Brother) came back to me to “ask” if she could stay for a little while longer.  This time the kids went to the farm and stayed with my brother.  After a month, SIL decided that the work thing was not worth it as she missed being away from the kids.  When they left I did not receive one word of thanks by either.

 

Everything for family – My paternal grandparents live in the City.  My grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and is in palliative care.  I am the only one in the City so every week, I have helped settle my grandpa, bring him interesting things to look at or eat or read as he is bedridden, deal with the healthcare system, take my grandma to see him and ensure she is getting enough groceries and that she is coping.   When this started, Brother’s comments were that “someone” should look after them.  I think he has been in twice in 3 months to see them – but not once did he make time during his two weeks vacation or on the weekends when they are only 2 hours away.  So he feels he is in a position to dictate what others should or should not do but he is not willing to do it himself. 

 

Family cabin - which is owned by Mom.  The cabin is small and can only hold 4 people comfortably.  Any booking was to go through Mom.  For the past 10 years, Brother and SIL have commandeered the last two weeks of July (which coincidentally always has the best weather).  They have never once rotated to allow someone else a turn during these two weeks.  So, other family members have to book around them. I typically book one week at the beginning of July (to be able to get some good weather) and my second week in August. 

 

Brother and SIL decided to come out on the Fri-Sat-Sun at the start of my holiday and Fri-Sat-Sun at the end of my week.  Additionally, they decided to dump off the kids without asking if we wanted to take them.  Our holiday was further cut short when the oldest child became homesick & wanted to go home.  Summary: I received 3 days of my two weeks that summer; they had >20 days.  When I confronted them and said that I was not happy with what had occurred during my holiday, they both had a conniption and they felt I was the one imposing my will.  The immediate responses I received from both of them for even suggesting a solution (like a schedule) was:

-         Brother: You are not welcome in this Family  [presumably for imposing my will?]

-         Brother: You hate our family  [presumably for not letting them have the cabin absolutely for their 2 weeks plus every weekend during the summer?]

-         Brother: We consider this family time.  SIL stated that the kids only wanted to get to know me better [there are 52 weeks in the year where there is plenty of opportunity to ask me to a family event, even though I am out of town, to such things as school play, church function, birthday party, etc.  Number of invites = -0-.  And if this was so important to them, there has never been a family get-together planned during their two weeks.  “Familytime” only occurs during my holiday time - at the Lake]

-         SIL response to my cabin issues was that I abuse their kids everytime I am with them and it wasn’t the kids fault for shortening my holiday 

-         Brother threatened to pull out his boat (he finally bought his own) and the dock.  Also told Mom he would refuse to do any “free labour” on the cabin if not get his way.  [No one uses his boat but it is being held over everyone’s head; the dock was a joint purchase by all three of us even though neither myself or Mom have a boat; and everyone contributes to the maintenance of the cabin in some form -  he is the only one keeping score – sense of entitlement]

-         SIL said they did not know I was going to be out there (so they bypassed asking the owner of the cabin if they could use)

-         SIL considered my action a slap in her face (as she felt she had a right to our family’s cabin and dictate how I should enjoy or spend my holiday)

-         I brought out a new fridge for the cabin that summer.  SIL comment was that it was a “good thing” they were out there to bring it into the cabin.  The fact that I had to load the fridge myself in the City and bring it out by myself was totally lost on her.  [matrydom – if I were to apply her logic, then it must have been a good thing she had a place to stay earlier in order to receive her $10K, rent-free]

 

We have not spoken nor seen one another for over a year now.  I continue to send birthday/Christmas gifts and receive no acknowledgement.  I miss my nieces; I miss the way it used to be.   I just can't fathom how people can who use their kids as leverage to get their own way.

 

Since Dad died, everything seems to have fallen apart.  We used to have a lot of fun as a family.  I thought we became a lot closer when we tried to be there for Mom after Dad died.  Now, my Mom seems to just bury her head in the sand where Brother is concerned.  I feel as if I have lost both a Dad and a Mom, and now have no desire in coming home as I am not happy to be around them.  If I was not in the Family, as Brother wants, he could then have everything and maybe then he would be happy.  How do you act like a “hero” when all that person(s) does is take advantage of you?  How can you even communicate when everything you say or do is thrown back in your face and taken as some sort of personal insult?  I emphathise with kriss3033's situation as written above and applaud your inner strength.  Perhaps I can take something from what you said & I try to be there for my Mom at least too. 

I have a soon to be SIL that is horrible. She is nasty and tries her best to drive wedges in the family. I've always been nice to her and have supported her and my brother. I've listened to her rant about other family members, even including her own. I've had nothing but nice things to say to her, but she has really shown her true colors right before this impromptu wedding. She got all pissy with me because I had to miss her bridal shower and I wasn't "involved" in her last minute wedding. I have 4 young children and my husband is back in school and we are struggling with the economy (my husband is in the real estate business) I've had to create a creative/strict budget in order for us to get by, I let her know that this was part of why I couldn't come, I could only budget one gift and one event and I thought it would've been the better choice to choose the wedding to go to. Anyway, I also got sick that weekend too, so I though it would be polite not to go. As far as the planning goes, she called me on a Friday that she was going to have a meeting on Sat, I let her know that I couldn't come on such short notice, my son had a football game and I even told her to let me know if I could do anything for her, we couldn't commit to a lot because of all our outer circumstances, but I would help where I could. Well, never got a call or email from her telling me she would like help with anything, so I left it alone. Of course now she holds that against me and she has taken what I told her was going on with us (my hub and I) and turned it around to say we were making rude remarks about her and my brother. Which is so untrue, we were actually talking about ourselves and I even was the bigger person and apologized even though I really didn't do anything to them. Anyway, she has now turned him against us like she turned him against my uncle and tried to turn us against my uncle before all this hit the fan. Needless to say I can say with how she has slung mud at us and has acted over her stupid misunderstanding, not to mention the bossing around of my brother that she constantly does, she even has beat him down to where he thinks she is smarter than he and that he can't do anything without her help- lets me think he is making a huge mistake in marrying her and well I don't see it lasting but so long. Statistics aren't very good for "high school sweethearts." And in this case I hope those statistics are right, because she is going to make his life miserable, not to mention she will try to hurt everyone else in the family by cutting them out one by one until all he has is her.