Topic : 08/20 Sister-in-Law from Hell

Just so you know, I was not lying.  However, when someone accuses you of lying every single time you don't agree with them or admit to things they want to pin on you that are totally false, it becomes very defeating.  I refuse to admit I did or said things that I didn't just to placate a bunch of finger-pointers!

 

I did the best I could (not a perfect job, I admit) to try and stay unengaged in the fighting.  I'm just exhausted from trying to defend myself when no one believes me anyway.  Maybe what you were seeing is the fact that I really just don't care too much anymore.  It's kind of pointless.

 

Kelly

When the camera pulled back, the family was all leaning forward and the attacked person was leaning back.  It all looked so aggressive.  I feel fortunate in some ways to not have any extended family to deal with.  On the other hand, look at all the support these people are missing out on.  I have no one to depend upon but myself.

I was very disappointed with the show.. I agree with some of the other posts here.. Nothing was really discussed or resolved it as just a huge mess. I understand its only an hour show but there was no rhyme or reason.. What was the point of the show? I didnt get anything out of it but confusion also..
When ever Dr Phil asked questions on what it is that was the problem, no one could pin point what it was.. Sounded like everyone had some sort of contribution to the mess.
And I dont always agree with Dr phil.. People use names to their emotions.. To them.. it probably is devastating and horrible what their family is going through.. Do those names only have to apply to children with 80% burn marks? What other names should they have describe what was going on?
The family needed to go in with facts, nobody had any facts to back up their stories, it was a shame that they went there for some help but walked out just as confused and frustrated as the viewers.

I don't think they took you on tv to embarrass you.  I saw pain on their faces, not malice.  They came on the show because they feel powerless and wanted Dr. Phil's help.  Your husband stated his position on national television so  I don't know why they would waste their energy any more.  There's no getting along here.  At this point it's about self-preservation.  No one needs this aggravation and what's so horrible about cutting all ties with each other?  Everyone would probably be happier in the long run.

i just had to write this whole show reminded me of my husbands family they sort of blame me instead of him when actually neither of us ever really did anything really wrong but you be the judge so that i will at least if nothing else will know if im right or wrong?my husbands brother got divorced from his wife which yes she cheated and they had a lil girl who is my husbands goddaughter, so her and i over the years took a while but we bonded as sisnlaws while their marriage was disintergrading our friendship grew stronger we had both had kids who were cousins so they got together and what not. well i remained friends with her not as tight but friendly so the kids could remain together now and again well his brother got into another relationship with a woman i never met however me and my husband babysat for him almost every weekend he had his child so he could go on dates.now after a few months he was finally prepared i guess for us to meet however she decided to sit outside on his motorcycle and not come in well i got offended i figured well she got news that his exwife and i were still friendly and i was betraying my brother in law by still keeping in touch so i was right. to this day she hates me and my husband and my husband and his brother will prob never talk again im prob being still blamed but ya know what it took me 35 years to not give a crap what other people think but it does hurt me they are not friendly with eachother( things as my husband puts it will never be normal )i dunno what do you all think? thanx

I agree.  I have a sister in law that my whole family has difficulty getting along with.  It's been a work in progress but ultimately, we've reached the conclusion that my brother is going to be with his wife no matter what we think.  I was very sad when they got married simply because being married, I knew how serious a decision it was to marry her.  But, he's going to be with her until he's done.  I realized that not getting along with his wife made him upset.  We all love him more than words can express so in an effort to keep our family together, we all made a decision to deal with her the best way we can.  We ignore inappropriate comments, stay away from their house when we know she's in a funk, and leave (without attitudes) when she's acting inappropriately.  Overall, we love him so much that we've chosen to support his marriage as long as he decides to stay in it.  And trust me, she's very very difficult to deal with and very demeaning to him and their children.  Once we all did that, there is so much more harmony.  That doesn't mean that we are irritated by her on a constant basis.  We just aren't willing to allow her toxic behavior to affect us.  We simply ignore her.  She's made so many changes and things have truly improved.  I think she has even learned that we do love her (despite her faults) and she tries very hard to improve her negative behaviors. 

 

I want to spend as much time with my family (& brother) as possible so if I want to spend time with him a lot of times that means welcoming her.  We've learned, if he's coming to a barbeque, she's coming too.  If we're going to dinner, she's coming.  So, just try to be an adult and get along as well as you can.  Anyone in a situation like this should grow up, be an adult, stop all the finger pointing, chose your battles and arguments, and things will improve.

I agree with your post regarding whether or not what a person is experiencing is horrible, devastating, etc. I firmly believe that if a situation/problem is important to a person then it needs to be addressed, not 'downplayed'. It's like telling a person that is being abused that they should be grateful they weren't abused to the same degree as another person. There will always be someone who has gone thru worse situations/problems but that doesn't mean that your feelings regarding your situation/problem are any less valid.

Personally, I think it would have been more productive to discuss how each person in that situation could change their own behaviour to make things tolerable without being self-destructive or contributing to the problems in the family. If I remember correctly, this was only mentioned toward the end of the hour.... almost as an afterthought.

     This family needs to cut Kelly off - when she sends a text message, delete it before reading, when she sends an email delete it before opening, when she calls on cell don't accept the call, when she leaves a voice message erase it before listening to it - she has NOTHING of import to call you about.  If she and her pal are stalking you or spying on you call 911 and report a stalker. She'll be forced to bring her husband with her - invite them in and leave her out of the conversations - don't reply to her, don't engage her and don't let her engage you.  She's angery, bitter, vicious, and of course dangerous.

She is getting some kind of sick twisted evil enjoyment of out this - which is why she's devoted so much time to destroying your family.

You can't  pick your family - but you can chose who you let affect your life and continued engagement with her is destroying each of you - you are letting her draw you into her disturbed world.  Your brother Bill chose his life with her and choses to allow this to go on - and inf she has forced him to chose between her and his family and he has chosen her. Least for now - let them alone - let him learn exactly who he's married to - once you have cut her off they'll have no choice but to live together just them.  He's going to have to maintain relationship with his parents - and he will.

As hard as it is - it is his loss. She's nothing to you - she doesn't want to be part of the family - she wants you all to revolve around her - and now that she's run off his family he'll have to learn to deal with her.  Now he has an easy out - they're both blaming all of you.

But leave the door open to him - he will come back to his family if you leave the door open so that he can come without recrimination or blame.  I do hope he's man enough to stay in touch with his mom and dad. But you can't force the situation - he has to come to these decisions himself. He has to come to terms with his marriage himself.  And you can't allow her to destroy your lives in the meantime.  Image the peace of not having this thug in your life - how much nicer it will be not to have to worry what she's up to now - as of now she no longer exists for any of you and you don't need to talk about her or even mention her name. Its over - she's never going to be any different than she is right now - she'd need a major personality transplant and years of therapy!