Topic : 05/16 Spanking Scandals

DR PHIL,  I USUALLY ALWAYS AGREE WITH YOUR ADVICE. BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT I FEEL YOU ARE WAY OFF WITH THE SPANKING THING. I FIRST WANT TO SAY THAT I DONT BELIEVE IN ANYONE TOUCHING  KIDS UNLESS ITS THE PARENTS AND I DONT BELIEVE IN ABUSING CHILDREN MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY. HOWEVER, EVER SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME KIDS HAVE BEEN SPANKED. I GREW UP WITH JUST MY MOTHER. SHE WAS A GREAT MOM. SHE SPANKED ME WHEN I MISBEHAVED, BUT ALWAYS EXPLAINED WHY SHE HAD TOO. SHE NEVER WENT "TOO FAR".  PLUS SHE WAS ALWAYS AFFECTIONATE, LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE. WHEN I MIS BEHAVED I WAS SPANKED AND I WILL TELL YOU I WAS NEVER SPANKED FOR THE SAME THING TWICE. IN FACT I WAS HARDLY SPANKED BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF MISBEHAVING BECAUSE I FEARED THE SPANKING OR UPSETTING MY MOTHER TO THAT DEGREE. AS I GOT OLDER I RESPECTED MY MOTHER FOR IT. I ALSO DISAGREE WITH THE DR YOU HAD ON YOUR SHOW. I WAS SPANKED, MY BROTHERS, MY COUSINS, FREINDS, ETC... AND NONE OF US HAD SPINAL PROBLEMS, TESTICLE ISSUES ETC... I AGREE THAT SOME PEOPLE LIKE THE WOMAN ON YOUR SHOW MAY TAKE IT TOO FAR, BUT A SPANKING THAT IS HARD ENOUGH TO JUST STING ON THE BUTT OR ENOUGH TO HURT THE CHILDS FEELINGS OR MAKE THEM REALIZE THERE ARE CONCEQUENCES FOR BAD BEHAVIOR IS HEALTHY AND NECESSARY. I ABSOLUTELY DISAGREE WITH YOU THAT KIDS GET MIXED SIGNALS. THAT IS JUST RIDICULOUS. I GUESS I AM OLD SCHOOL AND THINK THAT KIDS TODAY ARE SPOILED, INDULGED, NEGLECTED BECAUSE OF BOTH PARENTS HAVING TO WORK.  I CANT BELIEVE THE WAY KIDS ACT TODAY. i HAVE FREINDS WHO SPANKED THERE KIDS AND THEY ARE CLOSE WITH THEM NOW AND THEY TURNED OUT TO BE GREAT, RESPECT FULL KIDS AND/OR ADULTS. IT IS A DIFFERENT TIME THAN WHEN I GREW UP IN THE 70'S. BUT AN OLD FASHIONED SPANKING  (NOT A BEATING) I TRULY BELIEVE IS HEALTHY. TIME OUTS, GETTING TV, CELL PHONES, ETC... TAKEN AWAY IS GOOD TOO FOR DISIPLINE. BUT  KIDS THAT ARE NOT DISIPLINED PROPERLY ARE USUALLY DISRESPECTFUL BRATS.  THE KIDS ARE OUR FUTURE AND THEY NEED TO LEARN WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY TO ACT AND THE WRONG WAY TOWARDS PARENTS, FREINDS, TEACHERS AND SOCIETY IN GENERAL. KIDS NEED TO LEARN AND UNDERSTAND YOUNG THAT THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO THEIR ACTIONS.

I'll make this real short.  No person should ever have the right to physically harm another person.  When we do this all we are sending is the message that violence can be the solution to a problem.  How can that ever be true.

Spanking in our society is done usually as a last resort because parents are frustrated.  If we were more consistent with our kids and held ourselves (and then them) to the standard of respect, kindness and honesty, we would have less frustration and more results.  Kids DO what they SEE, not what we tell them!!!  "Spanking" or chastisement is a useful tool in a toolbox full of options - loss of privileges, reflective time outs, acts of taking personal responsibility, offering restitution, and others - for parents who are actively pursuing the training of their child's heart.  It should never be used by a mom or dad who reactively parent in frustration. 

"Spanking" is a very private and serious event.  To approach the child that God entrusted to your care and responsibility with physical correction MUST be done in love and brokenness with the big picture in mind for the child - training them for the future.  It should never happen in public or with a highly emotionally charged parent...then it is just striking out in anger...not correcting the child...this is abuse because it damages the child and the relationship they have with their parent.

I ache for the parents and children alike who are frustrated, wounded and hopeless about their relationships with each other.  I grew up in a home with parents who struck out every time they were angry - usually because I made a mistake that embarrassed them or infringed upon their time.  By the grace of God, I have learned a different way and my home is full of grace and joy.  My children have been spanked when they have committed certain offenses but they are aware of their choices.  If I am angry or upset, we wait until everyone is ready for the spanking...including me!  I have three children - ages 7, 10, and 11.  I haven't spanked my 10 or 11 year old for so long I don't remember the last time.  My 7 year old still has the occasional spanking but there are really so many more useful options for training her now...losing freedoms or privileges hurt her far more at her age than a spanking!!! 

I am so thankful that I had that tool available when they were younger and that I learned to do it with love and compassion.  I am also thankful that there are so many other options as they get older that bring repentance and heart change in my them more effectively.

I grew up with the motto spare the rod, spoil the child, and always said I would not ever spank, hit or degrade my children. Well that was not to be. What I would have liked to see on this show was Dr Phil actually tell the parents on this show how they were supposed to deal with a child that constantly defies you. The little girl was totally out of control ( is she a canidate for Brat Camp?)  I kept waiting to hear some advice as to handle these situations, it never came.  The parents are going to get help for their problems, but what of those of us who can't afford that.  What do you do with a child who will go for hours screaming, ranting and raving?