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Topic : 07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Number of Replies: 98
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Created on : Sunday, July 24, 2005, 03:25:37 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

When it comes to sex, what's normal and what's dysfunctional? Howard's fetish for long, straight, freshly groomed hair has led him down some dangerous paths. Now it could be destroying his marriage. Then, Elisa thinks sex is "dirty and gross," while her fiance wants it every day. And, is porn a "normal guy thing," and how much of it is enough to call off a wedding? Share your thoughts here.


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July 27, 2005, 5:55 am CDT

Good enough!

Quote From: dream4tomo

I am an adolescent approaching my twenties and I have a serious relationship with my boyfriend. It is not exactly like the Kiza & Chris situation, but watching the show today made me realize that I certainly don't want to end up in that scenario. We have had many fights over him seeing porn, and although I've explained to him that it hurts me, makes me feel inadequate, and that it isn't an essential part of him being a man - he still believes that porn is a "normal guy thing." I mean, is it really that much to give up porn for the one you love? Why is porno such a huge priority to some men?

He can't even promise me that he won't end up at stripclubs either, his excuse is: "Well what if all the guys want to go there? What am I, gonna ditch my buds?" he also says that he doesn't "intend" to go there but if it "happens" then it's not his fault. My argument is that if he ends up there, it is his own doing, and he willed it so, he physically made it happen, his buddies never forced him into anything. He tells me not to worry, to trust him and to get over it, but how can I? I, like Kiza, believe that porn is cheating. My definition of cheating, is not just physical, but emotional, mental, visual...the fact that he even desires another woman is disrespectful to me and our relationship.

When I try to explain this to him, his comeback is about how all his buddies' girlfriends are okay with it, and that he even talked to an acquaintance of mine who said she was okay with it too. I replied that what they do in THEIR relationships has got NOTHING to do with ours, and my morals and values are not based on what other people's are. He said that I was the ONLY person he knew that felt this way, and that I would NEVER or RARELY find a guy who wasn't into porn. He made me feel like I was the black sheep of society for my beliefs. He tells me that he wants me to say that it's okay for him to do it, even though he "won't actually do it" -but that's bullcrap! If I give him the okay, I know he will constantly look at it and lie to me about it. I caught him on 2 occasions where he lied at first, admitted to it, then promised not to do it again, but did.

Has anyone ACTUALLY gotten through to their boyfriends/husbands about why they should stop looking at porn? And if so, how? I would REALLY like to know! I'm not an insecure individual...but maybe I should get...I don't know, breast implants or something...maybe then he'll stop looking at porn, maybe then I'll be "good enough" for him...who knows...

 I'm sure you've heard it before, growing up is hard to do.  It's just as hard for girls as it is guys, but it sounds like you have decided not to succum to peer pressure when it comes to making majors decisions in your life.  It also sounds like your boyfriend hasn't matured to that level.  I would never try to tell anyone what to do, but if you were my daughter, I would suggest you think long and hard about the fact that this boy/man appears to be putting his friends, and their opinions of him, above you.  And it also seems that he isn't willing to compromise, and that's a big red flag in my book.  Please don't let yourself be drawn into that pity-party of maybe if I did this or that I'd be "good enough" for him; I think you need to find someone who is "good enough" for you!!
 
July 27, 2005, 7:48 am CDT

Felt Hulmiliated

I was in a relationship with a sexual addict for 5 years.  I wonder if I will ever feel good about myself.  I remember standing in our living room with tears running down my face asking him why he would rather be on the computer for 5 hours than to sleep in our bed with me.  We had great sex during the first summer.  That was the set-up.  He was faking being interested in me. And then things started to happen.

 

I noticed that I hadn't received my phone bill.  I later found it under the floormat in my car.  It was for $1800.00.  All for 900 phone sex numbers.  Two days later I got a dishnet satellite bill for over $900 for porn movies.  It seems he was getting up at night and watching them at $7.95 a pop while on the computer chatting.

 

I went to the library and checked out every book I could find on this problem.  I showed them to him and he insisted that what he was doing was normal and I had the problem.  By this time we hadn't had sex in several months.  I told him if he was normal how were any children born in this world?

 

My answer to this problem was wrong but it seemed right at the time.  I blocked all long distannce calls from my home phone.  I put a password on the dishnet received that would allow any movies to be ordered.  I was protecting myself financially but he would not deal with the problem.

 

Next mess,  he borrowed my cell phone on a Saturday and told me that he lost it at work.  He said he was doing some optional overtime.  2 days later someone called me to say that they had my phone.  It was found in one of those sex shops were you go into a little cubicle and put quarters into a machine that shows you a certain number of minutes of porn movies.

 

I contacted his father who told me that his son was a sociopath who can never feel love no matter what people do for him.  He is also a gambling addict and blew every extra dollar he ever had including an inheritance from his grandmother.

 

I realize now that I was a codependent enabler who did everything to cover up for his addiction problem.  My fear of being alone came first over what I new was right and wrong.  I even convinced myself that I never needed to have sex again.  I fooled myself this way for a long time.

 

This is also the kind of problem that you don't want to tell many people.  While your telling the story you still feel that it's somehow your fault and that you aren't desirable.

 

 

The lowest thing I did was to put a key logger on his computer when I realized he was spending at least 5 hours a night on it.  It was enlightening.  He was logged in as a 19 year old female having sex with "her" brother in front of the mother.  Sometimes he was a 36 year old woman who did young boys.  BUT the only pictures he ever looked at were women.  He even stoled one of their pictures to put in a chat room so people could see "her".

 

His father was in the navy and gone for 6 months at a time while he was growing up.  I'm convinced that the mother did something very bad to him and I feel sorry for him to this day BUT....women in these kind of relationships need to realize that WE DON'T HAVE the expertise to diagnose and fix these problems.  You can't love them enough to make them stop.  They don't want to stop no matter how many people they hurt.  They don't feel the emotional pain that we do so that can't possible conceive how bad this hurts.

 

Please run as fast as you can from porn addicts.  If you can't please protect yourself financially and emotionally until you are well enough to end the relationship

 
July 27, 2005, 8:01 am CDT

I am in the same boat!

Quote From: katsue63

I'm sure you've heard it before, growing up is hard to do. It's just as hard for girls as it is guys, but it sounds like you have decided not to succum to peer pressure when it comes to making majors decisions in your life. It also sounds like your boyfriend hasn't matured to that level. I would never try to tell anyone what to do, but if you were my daughter, I would suggest you think long and hard about the fact that this boy/man appears to be putting his friends, and their opinions of him, above you. And it also seems that he isn't willing to compromise, and that's a big red flag in my book. Please don't let yourself be drawn into that pity-party of maybe if I did this or that I'd be "good enough" for him; I think you need to find someone who is "good enough" for you!!

Hi, I am a 21 year old in the same situation. My b/f and I have been together for 5 years and though he has gotten alot better, he has not stop! I Love him but really want him to stop also. I know he doesnt perposly do it to hurt me, but it does and he understand that but i just dont know anymore! Just wanted to let you know you arent the only girl who feels that way! and my guy used to say the same things about his friends but i dont except that as an answer! Take care and if you find an answer please contact me!

Thanks

 
July 27, 2005, 8:08 am CDT

Help me too!

Quote From: adams72282

I have the same problem with it hurting. And your right doctors don't have a clue. For me it started after I had my children. And it seemed to be only when we used condoms, I have had to experiment with almost everything on the market before I found something that would work. Sit down with your boyfriend and just agree to try different things. Make sure it's on your terms. If you know that all you have to do is say "Ow" and he will stop it makes it alot easier to find a way to make it work.
Help! I am only 21! and Sex Hurts me!  I dont know what to do! I dont enjoy sex at all! I love my b/f of 5 years and I want him to be happy with our sex life but we cant cause it always hurst me! I have no clue what to do and i really need HELP!
 
July 27, 2005, 8:57 am CDT

Litmus Test

On yesterday's show Dr. Phil mentioned a litmus test for decision making.  I didn't get all of it and I really need the information.  There were 4 questions that needed to be answered to help make a healthy choice.  As I recall, the questions went something like this:  1.  Is this truth? 2. Is it in my best interest?  3. Is it life-prolonging? 

 

I didn't get the 4th question in the test.  Can you help?

 

 
July 27, 2005, 9:14 am CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Why is it that all these women want a certain man, BUT they want them to change? That's like seeing a man, then saying, "Oh i like him, but I am going to have to change a few things about him. I don't like those jeans he wears, I am going to have to get him into a suit and tie. I also don't like that hairdo. I will have to get his hair cut. And he likes to watch sports. I will have to get him out of that also." You don't go into a relationship and try to change people to your liking - however they are. You are supposed to accept the person for who he or she is.

 

I also want to know why everyone thinks that every man that looks at porn will turn into a pedifile? My husband looks at porn, but not children. Or that he will eventually rape someone? My husband also has no desire to force himself on someone. Or that he is going to cheat on you? My husband knows where the line is, and what would be crossing it. He doesn't spend all his time on it. And he doesn't spend any money on it.

 

I think it is ok to look at porn if both parties are in agreement. Those pictures and movies can help a couple to incorporate new ideas into there sex. Doing the same things day in and day out can get quite repetitive and routine. Sometimes you need to spice things up a bit.

 

So, if you hate porn so much, then you shouldn't be with someone who does, or finds nothing wrong with it. You need to get out of that relationship and find someone else who feels the same way you do. You are wrong to expect someone to change themselves - whether it's porn, their job, they way they raise children, or whatever it is. Now if someone is willing to change then that's another thing. But you can't EXPECT them to. It just isn't right.

 
July 27, 2005, 1:25 pm CDT

I welcome those

who are dealing with porn addiction and porn in their relationships to join the conversation called "How porn affects your relationship." under the topic of sex.

 

Many posters at this location are dealing with these same issues of porn and porn addiction. Hope to see you there!

 

Darcylove

 
July 27, 2005, 1:29 pm CDT

i welcome those

who are dealing with porn in their relationships to join the disccussion called "How is porn affecting your relationship" in the message boards under the topic of "sex."

 

There are many of us there that are dealing with porn in our relationships and porn addiction. Hope to see some of you there!

 

Darcylove

 
July 27, 2005, 1:42 pm CDT

help for porn addiciton

First.....there is a web site called Sexual addicts annoymous and there is also a web site for the co-dependent of the sexual addict called COSA (co-dependnents of sexual addiction).  ALso a Doctor named Dr Patrick Carnes has a number of books dealing with sexual addictions....THe book I have is called "Out of the Shadows." It helped me greatly in understanding porn addiction and the battle I have dealt with for several years with my husband. THere is help and it has helped me and our marriage a great deal.
 
July 28, 2005, 8:26 am CDT

absolutely ridiculous!

I am flabbergasted! Dr. Phil, you should be ashamed for telling your viewers that viewing porn is "sick, demented and twisted." You are telling millions of people that they are not only abnormal, but also disgusting and basically mentally ill. And you're viewers are eating it up (obviously, based on these forums) like it's the truth! "Number one, pornography is fantasy. It isn't real" -- this is the only true thing I heard you say, Dr. Phil. NORMAL people have fantasies, normal people enjoy watching and reading about fantasies, and normal people sometimes enjoy acting out those fantasies! I know I do, and so does my husband -- we have some we share and some we enjoy on our own. Wow, sometimes we MASTURBATE to those fantasies! We must really, really need help, huh? Oh, and I love this quote, Dr. Phil... "What you're looking at on that screen is somebody's daughter. You're looking at somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn." And the woman Chris has in his bed and is having sex with IS SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER! My Dad doesn't know, or need to know that his little girl likes to have anal sex, get spanked and talk dirty and enjoys porn and erotica. Does this make me a pervert? And as far as porn performers who have "taken a wrong turn," believe me, there are plenty of women out there that enjoy that line of work. "They are demeaning themselves, they are debasing themselves, they are humiliating themselves, and they are being exploited." Give me a break!! You can say that after you've had porn performers on your show all vouching for your claim. You crucify this poor guy, Chris, for being just like any other guy out there. You tell him "It's not healthy, it's not natural, it's not normal." Yes, Dr. Phil, it is. It is normal, it is natural. You are unnatural for trying to twist your viewer’s morals into your own. Obviously Kiza needs to look on your site to find a "good" moral man. She seems like a sweet girl. But no, Chris won't stop looking at porn. And no Chris, you shouldn't!! I've got lots of nice girls who like sex that I'm sure would love to meet him. And as far as your "Sex Addict Test" -- what a crock. No, sex and sexual thoughts do not disrupt my daily life. Yet, if I went on your show and said what I just typed in here...you'd crush me in front of your audience, and you'd probably enjoy it. Oh, I could on and on and on.... My husband and I watch porn together and separately. We both read erotica. We've been together for 6 years, hopelessly in love, have a steamy sex life and are best friends. I bet you'd all like me to receive the help I desperately need to overcome my "addiction" to porn and erotica!
 
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