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Topic : 07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Number of Replies: 98
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Created on : Sunday, July 24, 2005, 03:25:37 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

When it comes to sex, what's normal and what's dysfunctional? Howard's fetish for long, straight, freshly groomed hair has led him down some dangerous paths. Now it could be destroying his marriage. Then, Elisa thinks sex is "dirty and gross," while her fiance wants it every day. And, is porn a "normal guy thing," and how much of it is enough to call off a wedding? Share your thoughts here.


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October 21, 2005, 12:05 am CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

I need to know that i am not losing my mind.  My husband and i have sex at least once a day.  But sometime after having sex and going to sleep i wake up a couple hours later  and he is watching porn and masturbating.,i sometimes lay very still just to see what going on. It is making me feel so bad,as if i am nothing.  Is this normal?  also if  we are having oral sex he will have the TV on something to do with women not necessarily porn but maybe commercial are 1800 call red hot women. When i complain he is watching them instead of me he gets angry with me and wants nothing to do with me..  I confronted him once about watching porn about 9 months ago so he longer  buys movies on cable just watches the one that come on late on HBO or show time. i know he probably has done this for a long time but GOD has kept my eyes closed to it . Since finding all this out  i fill that there is something wrong with me. Very seldom do i every turn down him down to have sex , so its not like he is deprived. please help me to realize its not me and please pray for myself and my husband to overcome this because he is the love of my life and we have been married for nearly 25 years. But if something doesn't change I don't think I can take it.   

 
October 26, 2005, 5:08 pm CDT

About Doug & ?

Sorry I cannot remember the wifes name but she says that she usually cries during or after sex... to me that sounds like words from someone who was sexually abused or raped as a child/teenager.  Those memories can be repressed.  She may not even remember that something happened.  I was kinda pissed off by what Dr. Phil was saying about how Doug should not marry her and "lets get this fixed" and "you can work this out within a matter of days/weeks".    Did he not even think to ask her if she was sexually abused?   

I say all this because she sounds identical to me.  I feel the same way about sex and I was sexually abused.  I have read that victims of sexual abuse can burst into tears during sex or after... so I really think that Dr Phil needs to ask more questions here. 

 
December 2, 2005, 1:02 am CST

Elisa -IS- Normal

She is a normal Emotional Sexual Female. Doug is her exact opposite (opposites attract) as he is a Physical Sexual Male. I realize that not everyone knows the concept of Emotional & Physical Sexuals (including Dr. Phil)  so I will explain as well as I can. This concept is explained in detail in the book "Relationship Strategies - The E & P Attraction" by John G. Kappas, Ph. D. {ISBN 0-937671-51-7}   Emotion Sexual Female         Career (Financial Security) & Hobby (Family) oriented         Dresses to minimize attention         Relates to the world mentally (in their head)         Sex does NOT equal love         May not achieve orgasm through sex (or may rarely)         Feels emotional pain mentally   Physical Sexual Male         Relationship (Family/Sex) & Family/Children oriented         Dresses to attract attention         Relates to the world physically (touchy feely)         Sex equals love (falls in love with whom they have sex)         May have multiple orgasms with little or now downtime         Feels emotional pain physically   "In the sex act itself, the Physical feels ego sensations quickly and frequently. Every touch builds the tension and excitement leading to orgasm. The Emotional's points of stimulation are narrowed more to the genitals and sexual response begins in the mind, not in the body. Thus, the Physical enjoys a rough and tumble kind of sex and strives to prolong the sex act. The Emotional, on the other hand, feels the need for sex less often, responds to a gentler touch than the Physical, and seeks only orgasm, not prolonging the enjoyment of the act." (Chapter 3 - Page 106 - Number 6)   Hope This Helps,
Mick Fagre, CHt.
  PS  One of the best things about this book is that it explains how to figure out the differences between these types of behaviors as well as how to make all relationships the best that they can be.
 
December 15, 2005, 4:59 am CST

Married to a Sex Addict

Quote From: cccsmith

I need to know that i am not losing my mind.  My husband and i have sex at least once a day.  But sometime after having sex and going to sleep i wake up a couple hours later  and he is watching porn and masturbating.,i sometimes lay very still just to see what going on. It is making me feel so bad,as if i am nothing.  Is this normal?  also if  we are having oral sex he will have the TV on something to do with women not necessarily porn but maybe commercial are 1800 call red hot women. When i complain he is watching them instead of me he gets angry with me and wants nothing to do with me..  I confronted him once about watching porn about 9 months ago so he longer  buys movies on cable just watches the one that come on late on HBO or show time. i know he probably has done this for a long time but GOD has kept my eyes closed to it . Since finding all this out  i fill that there is something wrong with me. Very seldom do i every turn down him down to have sex , so its not like he is deprived. please help me to realize its not me and please pray for myself and my husband to overcome this because he is the love of my life and we have been married for nearly 25 years. But if something doesn't change I don't think I can take it.   

I did not have the privilege of knowing if my husband was a sex addict or not because he kept the truth from me until we were married.  It was after the "I Do's" that I found out that he was addicted to sex.  I felt cheated out of a decision that was truthfully my right to know and had I known, I would have not married him.  We stayed married for three years and during the three year course of our marriage, we remained separated most of the time.  I can't tell you how emotionally hurt I was throughout the marriage.  To all of you who have sufferrd  through the traumatic realization of this harmful disease, I can't tell you enough that this is something that you can't compromise on.  Either they are willing to acknowledge this problem and get help or they continue to stay in denial and say they are normal and every guy does it and continue to ruin their lives and yours.  After three hard years of living with a man that I truly loved and respected, I could not live with the fact that he was not going to change and I had to accept him the way he is because he thought there was nothing wrong with him.   I am now getting a divorce and even though I love him still, I am willing to let go of this relationship and make a clean break with the help of counseling.  I hope that someday I will be able to understand why and how I could love a man who chose lust over a decent woman and a loving family that he has never had. 

 
December 28, 2005, 11:43 pm CST

Where Does It Start?

I am a mother of three adolescents, a girl-17 and two boys ages 13 & 14. I am trying to PREVENT one of my sons from becoming and adult porn addict or worse! He has some problems and I know he has trouble with impulse control. He was introduced to porn at about age 9 from the neighbor boy who was innappropriate with him and his little brother (who has no problems). This is when he started stealing underwear from his sister and me and also looking at Victoria Secret catalogs and anything else he could get his hands on. I think these men that are grown and addicted to porn started when they were young like my boy. I wonder if there are other mothers or parents out there that have noticed strange behavior with thier boys? I know there are some men that aren't affected in the same way as others as far as addictions go. My boy is totally consumed by his obsessions and the consequences of his behavior is not enough to make him stop! We are trying to get him into residential treatment ASAP but it's not easy to do unless you have a spare 80,000.00 or so. I am trying to do all that I can to get him the right kind of help. Just seeing a counselor once a week or so won't help my son, his issues have progressed to far. He has had therapy and we use consequences as well but nothing has been able to stop his perverse behavior. It is so hard as a mom. I love my son more than anyone could but I am also responsible for getting him the help he needs as well as doing all that I can to protect my daughter and others. It's just creepy to have your brother or your son taking your underwear and clothing! I know I can't be the only mother in the world to notice strange behavior in their children. Anyone else having problems? I feel so alone in all of this. It isn't something you can discuss with just anyone. Thanx
 
January 3, 2006, 1:17 pm CST

still out there?

Quote From: cccsmith

  Hello if you're still there.....I have been with my boyfriend since we were 19, and we're now 27.  I have always been against pornography and feel very stongly against it.  Saying "it's a guy thing" is such an excuse, and a terrible excuse at that.  Ever since we've been together, my boyfriend has known how I feel.  I've caught him looking at different types of porn, and each time we have a long talk about it, and he promises not to do it again.  But there has also been times he's been really resentful towards me, and thinks that I'M the weird one, and that I shouldn't mind him doing it because it's "not a big deal".  But my response is - if it's not a big deal, then don't do it!  Because it IS a big deal to me!  It makes me sick, and it makes me feel so terrible.  Why would he want to keep hurting me when he knows how it makes me feel?  Long story short, he HAS eased up on it, and he IS trying to stop, but every once in a while, like once or twice a year, I'll find him looking at it.  Just today in fact, which is why I'm on this site right now, I found a calendar in his office.  And when I got upset, he actually started laughing at me!  So I don't know what advice to give you.  Not all guys are the same, but my guy seems to fall back on it even though he's promised me like 10,000 times he's quit looking at it.  He is trying to stop, and I can see that, but still.....If they don't stop completely, maybe they're not worth all the pain and heartache.  I personally don't know  what to do!  I want to leave, but we've been together so long, and i don't want to leave and then find out that there really ARE no guys that don't do this!  So - I guess I'm not much help, but I AM in the same kind of situation.  So maybe we can learn from each other...?  It helps knowing that there are other females out there like me.  Good luck.
 
January 12, 2006, 9:53 am CST

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Thank you to all of you other women who have posted messages about this topic.  I no longer feel alone in dealing with this issue.  I watched the show last July but just now logged onto Dr. Phil to check out what others were saying.  I was very surprised to see that this is such a common issue in relationships.  I have been married for 6 years but my husbands addiction to Internet "girls" just became a problem about a year ago.  I always knew that he looked up things from time to time but until last summer when I found all of his Cd's with saved pictures and the hidden files he had in our computer, I didn't know what a big deal it was for him.  The hardest thing for me was that I found out when I was pregnant with our 1st son, not really feeling my sexiest.  We have a good sex life and I'm a fit person so it bothers me to think that he needs to get his kicks elsewhere.  He is taken care of at home.  Although I'm in good shape, I don't compare to the girls that he finds attractive enough to save.  One of his favorites is a 19 year old girl that somehow he is paying to get pictures of her.  I don't know how since I'm the one that does the finances.  We used to watch porn together and I'm into sharing that with him but it hurts me to know that he does it behind my back.  After holding it in for 6 months, I finally confronted him a few weeks ago about it and let him know how much it bothered me.  He admitted that he was addicted and couldn't quit but told me that I need to dress up for him more to entice him to come be with me.  That's fine, every once in awhile but we have a 3 month old son and it makes dressing up for my hubby every night hard to do.  I want him to quit, but I told him that I didn't because I knew at that point, he would just go to further extremes to hide it from me and I would rather keep an eye on what he's doing.   Right now, he comes home from work and spends most of his evening on the computer.  The only time he's not on there is during dinner.  Then about once a week he waits until I go to bed and instead of going to bed with me so we can make love, he spends a couple of hours saving his favorite pictures and then he masturbates to the slide show of them.  He doesn't know that I lay awake in bed knowing what he's doing.  He also likes to be a voyeur and when I found the Cd's that he had, I also found pictures of girls that he had taken that they didn't know about.  One of the times was last summer when we were on vacation together.  He has a few close up butt pictures of 6 teenagers in their bikinis as they were walking back to their motel room.  I guess since he's not going to change, I just need to quit checking up on him.  Every time I do, it tears me up to find that he hasn't quit yet.  Good luck to all of you other ladies out there.  I hope that the situation will at least change for a few of us.....  

 
January 24, 2006, 11:36 am CST

extreme sex differences

Quote From: lilacmess

Do you honestly believe that your husband, who looks at porn, doesn't fantasize about the women in porn when he's having sex with you? Do you honestly believe that a man who isn't allowed to look at porn has no choice but to cheat with real women instead? You have really sold yourself short, like so many women. Honorable men don't cheat AND they don't look at porn. Let me tell you, if your husband is looking at pornography, he is most definitely fantasizing about those other women when he's with you. His brain is wired to do it. He could rewire his brain, certainly, but has no reason to if you don't ask him to. I encourage you to require more for yourself and start living a life of love with the "necessary evil" of pornography.

OK.  I must agree.  Who is this lady kidding?  Only herself?  If it makes you feel better to think this way, then go for it.  I too believe he is not putting it out of his head just because you are in his bed.  He has you but still has the need to look at porn...........?  Sounds like a problem to me.  His not yours.  I am glad that you can be OK with this in a way, in another, I feel sad for you.  Guess whatever works.  As to say it is natural, NO, it is not.  If it was meant for a man to look at porn then GOD would have created it.  HE DIDN'T!  He gave your husband you, that should be all he needs. Don't you want your marriage bed to be sacred and special? 

Have you seen some of the smutty stuff out there?  There are sights about rape, child port and etc.   

NATURAL?  I think NOT! 

 
February 24, 2006, 1:05 pm CST

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: adams72282

I got through to my husband when he relized that I was willing to end the marrage over it. He had to decide if porn was more important or our family!
I think I got through to my husband on porn.... he has agreed to not look at it because I don't like it. He never really went to the online sites, but he had magazines like playboy typical excuse (he liked it for the stories) sure..... I think the part that works against us is, some men have the idea that all men married or unmarried look at porn to some extent. We're told as women that we're just "insecure" because we compare ourselves to the women in the magazines or online. Well of course we do, why wouldn't we, they're looking at it! I don't truthfully know how you get through to them all the way about it.
 
March 29, 2006, 12:43 pm CST

extreme porn addiction-death of a relationship

Quote From: texasheat

I think I got through to my husband on porn.... he has agreed to not look at it because I don't like it. He never really went to the online sites, but he had magazines like playboy typical excuse (he liked it for the stories) sure..... I think the part that works against us is, some men have the idea that all men married or unmarried look at porn to some extent. We're told as women that we're just "insecure" because we compare ourselves to the women in the magazines or online. Well of course we do, why wouldn't we, they're looking at it! I don't truthfully know how you get through to them all the way about it.

as a woman i always felt beautiful-well before my ex. i met my ex three years ago- he was clean and sober a year at that time. i accpected him for who he was-no  one is perfect right?.everything was going nicely, we got along great. he treated me like i was the greatest person ever. well he was hiding a massive addiction. about 1 1/2 years ago i  was updating my resume,  i took a brake and started to surf the net. in his history bar- all these porn sites. from the old lady/grandma kind(oh i almost vomited) to the hook up for sex sites. i was so mad, sad, upset. i swear i could feel steam coming out of my ears. i confronted him. i asked him "was i not enough?. do you want me to do that nasty crap?" i felt so dirty and sick. he promised me that he will stop. i beilived him. so i thought that it stopped. we moved in together, we started planning a wedding and then the world just blew up in my face. he was hunting around the net for information about his father. he found dirty pictures of his dad have sex with a woman-his dad was cheating on his wife. well my ex felt like he had to be the hero and confronted his dad. his dad moved out, his mom became more needly and nagging. so he started to buy porn site after site- he would go into debt each month and overdraft on his bank account. he told that during times of stress he turns to porn to help him "release" his panic.  he would also say its normal for men to look at this, it has nothing to do with me, it not you....and so on and on .  there came a point where i just couldnt deal with it anymore. he didnt understand that him doing that, made me feel unsexy, ugly, fat, nasty, dirty, unwanted, forgotten and totally dis-respected. he told me that i was the one with the issues and i just need to deal with the fact that he will pay and look at porn all his wants, so became a huge bitch. i didnt want him to touch me, i would cry at the drop of hat. so this past july we "broke" up and i moved back home and he with his oh so very needy mother.  for a while i thought it would be good idea to stay "friends" and maybe him being home will help him deal with his issue with porn.  for a while i thought(once again i guess i didnt learn my leson from the first time) he was on the path to recovery and healthy outlook on sex. he was going to therapy, doing things that would busy his time. ok i was good- he is doing it. well that went to hell(sorry) he quit his job to start a "at home work - online store" so now he has no money coming in, living with his mom and draining her accounts. he began buying every grandma/young girl/ made at home/ escort/ hook up for sex site i think there might be on the net. i couldnt be around that anymore. i thought that it wouldnt hurt me, but it did. i dont know why i though that it wouldnt hurt. it felt like i was kicked in the gut. i now that we would never date or anything again. we were just friends-but i was still hurt. he lied to me, i allowed him to get to close to me, i allowed him back into my life. i felt like i could help him. you know be a good friend. he had a different idea. i felt him dragging my soul, sprit, life down. i couldnt talk, see or be around him any more.  i dont know if i was cheated on(while we were dating)- everytime i asked him he said no, but how can you trust a lier.  

so now he is on ever dating site out there- looking for a girlfriend, all i have to say to that poor girl who is stupid to date him. good luck. b/c once a porn addict always an addict, watch your back- that lying, cheating, stealing money, making up stories, porn watching, tring to hook up with anyone- apple didnt fall far from that tree. 

ladies- if your man watches porn and says its a guy's thing, leave- save yourself time and your self respect. he will never change. i thought i could of changed him. it doesnt work. he can love you to death- but if porn is hurting you and making you feel unwanted and unsexy- why be with someone who knows your feelings and still continues to do that one thing that just kills you inside. so now i am rebuilding myself. working  out and doing my thing. yes i wish him the worse well my feelings a hurt, maybe in 50yrs i might feel differently towards him. maybe. 

 
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