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Topic : 07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Number of Replies: 98
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Sunday, July 24, 2005, 03:25:37 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

When it comes to sex, what's normal and what's dysfunctional? Howard's fetish for long, straight, freshly groomed hair has led him down some dangerous paths. Now it could be destroying his marriage. Then, Elisa thinks sex is "dirty and gross," while her fiance wants it every day. And, is porn a "normal guy thing," and how much of it is enough to call off a wedding? Share your thoughts here.


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July 28, 2005, 2:08 pm CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: washappy

I am in the same boat with you.  I love my husband and we have had a great marriage for over eight years.  He has always been very sexual,  had a bit higher sex drive than myself and I have been okay with having porn in the house (movies and magazines). He can relieve himself when I am not around and  I enjoy watching movies with him,  we like to fantasize together etc.  But now he has developed this OBSESSION with a lingerie model;  tried to contact her per phone,  attends web cam sessions, recorded her a CD with some songs I thought were special to US and even bought her lingerie.  All this while I was gone for nine days to visit my family.  I feel cheated,  for sure,  but I also feel that I've been allowing this to happen by participating in above activities with him (which really have made our sex life interesting and fun!).  He has been watching this particular model since '98..  I know that he loves me very much and I also know that I have to draw a line,  which I have.  He has promised to stop but hasn't..  I need some advice,  sisters!

WOW!! I'm not really sure what to say. I think that he has stepped WAY over the line!! It blows my mind that he did that behind your back! I would suggest that you talk him into seeing a therapist. Because, just saying that he'll stop-as you are aware of-doesn't mean that he will. If you think this is an 'obsession' I would just nip it in the bud so to speak.....it's only going to get worse.  I'll keep you in my prayers, and good luck!! Stay strong!!!

 

Jenn

 
July 28, 2005, 2:09 pm CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: lilacmess

Make a rule. He is allowed to look at pornography with you provided you agree on the content along with him, but he is not allowed to look at by himself. If he can agree to this, go ahead and marry him and hold him to it. If he can't agree, don't marry him. This is exactly what I did with my husband, and it worked. You shouldn't be shy at all about making him choose you over porn. You deserve the be the only one.

Yes, I can see your point! Which is a good one! ;) Thanks for the advice!

 

Jenn

 
July 28, 2005, 2:15 pm CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: emmdavis

I watched a couple of movies with my husband, and like you said.. it's the downfall... cause if you watch it too, then he thinks it's okay to do it without you. I can't stand this anymore.. when he comes home from work and feels in the mood and I'm not, he actually tells me to go to bed so he can watch his videos... it's gotten way out of hand, and I'm stuck here.

If you guys are gonna watch this stuff, make it CLEAR to him that it only happens when you BOTH are there.. I fell into that trap and I can't get out. ( well.. for a few days I got out, but that didn't stop the crap at home )

 

<Emm>

WOW!! He actually tells you to go to bed??? What's up with that?? I'm sorry to hear it. That's really  crappy!! I don't know what I would have said if Mr. X would have told me that!! That blows my mind!  I don't know what type of advice to give you about that---never been in the situation---but I hope you can at least try to get something else worked out. "What is he thinking"?? How much more disrespectful could he be?? GEEZE!! Sorry, but that really blows me away!!

 

Good luck! Thanks for your advice, I'll definitely keep your situation in mind ;) Thanks for sharing too.

 

Jenn

 
July 28, 2005, 8:57 pm CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: lincherbet

On yesterday's show Dr. Phil mentioned a litmus test for decision making.  I didn't get all of it and I really need the information.  There were 4 questions that needed to be answered to help make a healthy choice.  As I recall, the questions went something like this:  1.  Is this truth? 2. Is it in my best interest?  3. Is it life-prolonging? 

 

I didn't get the 4th question in the test.  Can you help?

 

3. Does it protect and prolong your health?

4. Does it get you what you want?
 

Cheers

 
July 30, 2005, 9:08 pm CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: 03fenix

WOW!! He actually tells you to go to bed??? What's up with that?? I'm sorry to hear it. That's really  crappy!! I don't know what I would have said if Mr. X would have told me that!! That blows my mind!  I don't know what type of advice to give you about that---never been in the situation---but I hope you can at least try to get something else worked out. "What is he thinking"?? How much more disrespectful could he be?? GEEZE!! Sorry, but that really blows me away!!

 

Good luck! Thanks for your advice, I'll definitely keep your situation in mind ;) Thanks for sharing too.

 

Jenn

HI THERE IT WOULD BE A FOOGY DAY IN HELL THAT MY HUSBAND WOULD TELL ME TO GO TO BED.WHAT A SICK THING I HATE PORN ITS DISCUSTING AND THE PEOPLE THAT ARE IN IT YUK !!!IF I CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND WITHOUT PORN, THEN THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM NOT ME BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THAT CRAP THATS FOR SURE.MAYBE YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS HELP THEN AND WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU WHY DOES HE SEND YOU TO BED /TO GET HIS THRILLS AT LOOKING AT NAKED PEOPLE AND HERE YOU ARE GOING TO BED!!HE WOULDN'T LAST IN MY HOUSE TO LONG .I'D SHOW HIM THE DOOR AND DON'T LET IT HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT EITHER.PORN SHOULD BE TAKEN AWAY AND LOVE YOUR PARTNER THE REAL WAY NOT SOME CHEAP TRASHY JUNK TO TRY TO GET A MOOD OR THRILL.GOOD LUCK  JENN .CATHY
 
July 31, 2005, 11:32 am CDT

I got through

Quote From: dream4tomo

I am an adolescent approaching my twenties and I have a serious relationship with my boyfriend. It is not exactly like the Kiza & Chris situation, but watching the show today made me realize that I certainly don't want to end up in that scenario. We have had many fights over him seeing porn, and although I've explained to him that it hurts me, makes me feel inadequate, and that it isn't an essential part of him being a man - he still believes that porn is a "normal guy thing." I mean, is it really that much to give up porn for the one you love? Why is porno such a huge priority to some men?

 

He can't even promise me that he won't end up at stripclubs either, his excuse is: "Well what if all the guys want to go there? What am I, gonna ditch my buds?" he also says that he doesn't "intend" to go there but if it "happens" then it's not his fault. My argument is that if he ends up there, it is his own doing, and he willed it so, he physically made it happen, his buddies never forced him into anything. He tells me not to worry, to trust him and to get over it, but how can I? I, like Kiza, believe that porn is cheating. My definition of cheating, is not just physical, but emotional, mental, visual...the fact that he even desires another woman is disrespectful to me and our relationship.

 

When I try to explain this to him, his comeback is about how all his buddies' girlfriends are okay with it, and that he even talked to an acquaintance of mine who said she was okay with it too. I replied that what they do in THEIR relationships has got NOTHING to do with ours, and my morals and values are not based on what other people's are. He said that I was the ONLY person he knew that felt this way, and that I would NEVER or RARELY find a guy who wasn't into porn. He made me feel like I was the black sheep of society for my beliefs. He tells me that he wants me to say that it's okay for him to do it, even though he "won't actually do it" -but that's bullcrap! If I give him the okay, I know he will constantly look at it and lie to me about it. I caught him on 2 occasions where he lied at first, admitted to it, then promised not to do it again, but did.

 

Has anyone ACTUALLY gotten through to their boyfriends/husbands about why they should stop looking at porn? And if so, how? I would REALLY like to know! I'm not an insecure individual...but maybe I should get...I don't know, breast implants or something...maybe then he'll stop looking at porn, maybe then I'll be "good enough" for him...who knows...

I got through to my husband when he relized that I was willing to end the marrage over it. He had to decide if porn was more important or our family!
 
August 1, 2005, 11:45 am CDT

Alot Worse

Quote From: 101160

HI THERE IT WOULD BE A FOOGY DAY IN HELL THAT MY HUSBAND WOULD TELL ME TO GO TO BED.WHAT A SICK THING I HATE PORN ITS DISCUSTING AND THE PEOPLE THAT ARE IN IT YUK !!!IF I CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND WITHOUT PORN, THEN THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM NOT ME BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THAT CRAP THATS FOR SURE.MAYBE YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS HELP THEN AND WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU WHY DOES HE SEND YOU TO BED /TO GET HIS THRILLS AT LOOKING AT NAKED PEOPLE AND HERE YOU ARE GOING TO BED!!HE WOULDN'T LAST IN MY HOUSE TO LONG .I'D SHOW HIM THE DOOR AND DON'T LET IT HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT EITHER.PORN SHOULD BE TAKEN AWAY AND LOVE YOUR PARTNER THE REAL WAY NOT SOME CHEAP TRASHY JUNK TO TRY TO GET A MOOD OR THRILL.GOOD LUCK  JENN .CATHY

Since I posted here last, things have gotten progressivly worse.

I'm not sure I can blame any of this on porn any more.

It's become a WHOLE different issue now.

I have other posts in How Pornography Has Affected My Life...under Sex in the message boards.

Come on over and see if you can help me....

<Emm>

 
August 5, 2005, 11:18 am CDT

nooooo!

Quote From: dream4tomo

I am an adolescent approaching my twenties and I have a serious relationship with my boyfriend. It is not exactly like the Kiza & Chris situation, but watching the show today made me realize that I certainly don't want to end up in that scenario. We have had many fights over him seeing porn, and although I've explained to him that it hurts me, makes me feel inadequate, and that it isn't an essential part of him being a man - he still believes that porn is a "normal guy thing." I mean, is it really that much to give up porn for the one you love? Why is porno such a huge priority to some men?

 

He can't even promise me that he won't end up at stripclubs either, his excuse is: "Well what if all the guys want to go there? What am I, gonna ditch my buds?" he also says that he doesn't "intend" to go there but if it "happens" then it's not his fault. My argument is that if he ends up there, it is his own doing, and he willed it so, he physically made it happen, his buddies never forced him into anything. He tells me not to worry, to trust him and to get over it, but how can I? I, like Kiza, believe that porn is cheating. My definition of cheating, is not just physical, but emotional, mental, visual...the fact that he even desires another woman is disrespectful to me and our relationship.

 

When I try to explain this to him, his comeback is about how all his buddies' girlfriends are okay with it, and that he even talked to an acquaintance of mine who said she was okay with it too. I replied that what they do in THEIR relationships has got NOTHING to do with ours, and my morals and values are not based on what other people's are. He said that I was the ONLY person he knew that felt this way, and that I would NEVER or RARELY find a guy who wasn't into porn. He made me feel like I was the black sheep of society for my beliefs. He tells me that he wants me to say that it's okay for him to do it, even though he "won't actually do it" -but that's bullcrap! If I give him the okay, I know he will constantly look at it and lie to me about it. I caught him on 2 occasions where he lied at first, admitted to it, then promised not to do it again, but did.

 

Has anyone ACTUALLY gotten through to their boyfriends/husbands about why they should stop looking at porn? And if so, how? I would REALLY like to know! I'm not an insecure individual...but maybe I should get...I don't know, breast implants or something...maybe then he'll stop looking at porn, maybe then I'll be "good enough" for him...who knows...

OMG! PLEASE don't get breast implants or do anything drastic to yourself in an attempt to keep your boyfriend away from porn! That's not going to change his behavior & you're not even 20 yrs old!!! That's definitely something you'll only regret doing later.
It seems to me that your boyfriend has very little concern for your feelings at all. I understand that guys like porn. My own boyfriend likes porn, but watching it isn't a daily activity for him in the least! He barely looks at porn & only when we happen to be fooling around with the internet @ home & he opens it up just for fun. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable with it if my boyfriend liked porn enough to look at it frequently or without me. I'm home just about all the time & he works, so I know what he's doing (for those of you who might think he does it behind my back). He rarely uses the internet & doesn't have a porno collection. He's got one playboy video that doesn't even have any sex in it that's gathering dust since we got together years ago. Guys do like visual stuff, but if your guy needs it on a regular basis instead of just being able to have fun with you alone, you've got a problem. Having fun together with it once in a blue moon can be fun, but it's not something I would want in the bedroom with me all the time. Just like there's a time & place for romantic love-making, quickie sex, regular sex, & wild rough crazy sex. Porn can be fun once in a while, but it shouldn't be a normal part of everyday sex.
And the stripclub stuff - HELL NO! Guys with enough brains know that that guys who go to stripclubs are just losers paying out money to girls who aren't interested & just want their money.
 
September 25, 2005, 7:44 am CDT

Painful sex - is it psychological

Quote From: adams72282

I have the same problem with it hurting. And your right doctors don't have a clue. For me it started after I had my children. And it seemed to be only when we used condoms, I have had to experiment with almost everything on the market before I found something that would work. Sit down with your boyfriend and just agree to try different things. Make sure it's on your terms. If you know that all you have to do is say "Ow" and he will stop it makes it alot easier to find a way to make it work.

I never used to have a problem with sex hurting, but now that I'm married, and all my husband thinks or talks about from morning until night is sex.  We mainly have sex when he's drunk, and he bites my genitals and I tell him to stop, he stops biting for a bit, then starts again.  I really just feel like kicking him in the face when he does that, because he doesn't care about my feelings, just his own.  He's fairly thin, yet when he's on top of me, it's so uncomfortable.  I've been with guys twice as heavy as him, and was never uncomfortable like that.  It's almost like sex is annoying and irritating, sometimes boring, because it's all about him. 

  

What do I do? 

 
October 20, 2005, 11:44 pm CDT

need advice

 
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