Topic : 07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

I need to know that i am not losing my mind.  My husband and i have sex at least once a day.  But sometime after having sex and going to sleep i wake up a couple hours later  and he is watching porn and masturbating.,i sometimes lay very still just to see what going on. It is making me feel so bad,as if i am nothing.  Is this normal?  also if  we are having oral sex he will have the TV on something to do with women not necessarily porn but maybe commercial are 1800 call red hot women. When i complain he is watching them instead of me he gets angry with me and wants nothing to do with me..  I confronted him once about watching porn about 9 months ago so he longer  buys movies on cable just watches the one that come on late on HBO or show time. i know he probably has done this for a long time but GOD has kept my eyes closed to it . Since finding all this out  i fill that there is something wrong with me. Very seldom do i every turn down him down to have sex , so its not like he is deprived. please help me to realize its not me and please pray for myself and my husband to overcome this because he is the love of my life and we have been married for nearly 25 years. But if something doesn't change I don't think I can take it.   

Sorry I cannot remember the wifes name but she says that she usually cries during or after sex... to me that sounds like words from someone who was sexually abused or raped as a child/teenager.  Those memories can be repressed.  She may not even remember that something happened.  I was kinda pissed off by what Dr. Phil was saying about how Doug should not marry her and "lets get this fixed" and "you can work this out within a matter of days/weeks".    Did he not even think to ask her if she was sexually abused?   

I say all this because she sounds identical to me.  I feel the same way about sex and I was sexually abused.  I have read that victims of sexual abuse can burst into tears during sex or after... so I really think that Dr Phil needs to ask more questions here. 

I did not have the privilege of knowing if my husband was a sex addict or not because he kept the truth from me until we were married.  It was after the "I Do's" that I found out that he was addicted to sex.  I felt cheated out of a decision that was truthfully my right to know and had I known, I would have not married him.  We stayed married for three years and during the three year course of our marriage, we remained separated most of the time.  I can't tell you how emotionally hurt I was throughout the marriage.  To all of you who have sufferrd  through the traumatic realization of this harmful disease, I can't tell you enough that this is something that you can't compromise on.  Either they are willing to acknowledge this problem and get help or they continue to stay in denial and say they are normal and every guy does it and continue to ruin their lives and yours.  After three hard years of living with a man that I truly loved and respected, I could not live with the fact that he was not going to change and I had to accept him the way he is because he thought there was nothing wrong with him.   I am now getting a divorce and even though I love him still, I am willing to let go of this relationship and make a clean break with the help of counseling.  I hope that someday I will be able to understand why and how I could love a man who chose lust over a decent woman and a loving family that he has never had. 

Thank you to all of you other women who have posted messages about this topic.  I no longer feel alone in dealing with this issue.  I watched the show last July but just now logged onto Dr. Phil to check out what others were saying.  I was very surprised to see that this is such a common issue in relationships.  I have been married for 6 years but my husbands addiction to Internet "girls" just became a problem about a year ago.  I always knew that he looked up things from time to time but until last summer when I found all of his Cd's with saved pictures and the hidden files he had in our computer, I didn't know what a big deal it was for him.  The hardest thing for me was that I found out when I was pregnant with our 1st son, not really feeling my sexiest.  We have a good sex life and I'm a fit person so it bothers me to think that he needs to get his kicks elsewhere.  He is taken care of at home.  Although I'm in good shape, I don't compare to the girls that he finds attractive enough to save.  One of his favorites is a 19 year old girl that somehow he is paying to get pictures of her.  I don't know how since I'm the one that does the finances.  We used to watch porn together and I'm into sharing that with him but it hurts me to know that he does it behind my back.  After holding it in for 6 months, I finally confronted him a few weeks ago about it and let him know how much it bothered me.  He admitted that he was addicted and couldn't quit but told me that I need to dress up for him more to entice him to come be with me.  That's fine, every once in awhile but we have a 3 month old son and it makes dressing up for my hubby every night hard to do.  I want him to quit, but I told him that I didn't because I knew at that point, he would just go to further extremes to hide it from me and I would rather keep an eye on what he's doing.   Right now, he comes home from work and spends most of his evening on the computer.  The only time he's not on there is during dinner.  Then about once a week he waits until I go to bed and instead of going to bed with me so we can make love, he spends a couple of hours saving his favorite pictures and then he masturbates to the slide show of them.  He doesn't know that I lay awake in bed knowing what he's doing.  He also likes to be a voyeur and when I found the Cd's that he had, I also found pictures of girls that he had taken that they didn't know about.  One of the times was last summer when we were on vacation together.  He has a few close up butt pictures of 6 teenagers in their bikinis as they were walking back to their motel room.  I guess since he's not going to change, I just need to quit checking up on him.  Every time I do, it tears me up to find that he hasn't quit yet.  Good luck to all of you other ladies out there.  I hope that the situation will at least change for a few of us.....  

OK.  I must agree.  Who is this lady kidding?  Only herself?  If it makes you feel better to think this way, then go for it.  I too believe he is not putting it out of his head just because you are in his bed.  He has you but still has the need to look at porn...........?  Sounds like a problem to me.  His not yours.  I am glad that you can be OK with this in a way, in another, I feel sad for you.  Guess whatever works.  As to say it is natural, NO, it is not.  If it was meant for a man to look at porn then GOD would have created it.  HE DIDN'T!  He gave your husband you, that should be all he needs. Don't you want your marriage bed to be sacred and special? 

Have you seen some of the smutty stuff out there?  There are sights about rape, child port and etc.   

NATURAL?  I think NOT! 

as a woman i always felt beautiful-well before my ex. i met my ex three years ago- he was clean and sober a year at that time. i accpected him for who he was-no  one is perfect right?.everything was going nicely, we got along great. he treated me like i was the greatest person ever. well he was hiding a massive addiction. about 1 1/2 years ago i  was updating my resume,  i took a brake and started to surf the net. in his history bar- all these porn sites. from the old lady/grandma kind(oh i almost vomited) to the hook up for sex sites. i was so mad, sad, upset. i swear i could feel steam coming out of my ears. i confronted him. i asked him "was i not enough?. do you want me to do that nasty crap?" i felt so dirty and sick. he promised me that he will stop. i beilived him. so i thought that it stopped. we moved in together, we started planning a wedding and then the world just blew up in my face. he was hunting around the net for information about his father. he found dirty pictures of his dad have sex with a woman-his dad was cheating on his wife. well my ex felt like he had to be the hero and confronted his dad. his dad moved out, his mom became more needly and nagging. so he started to buy porn site after site- he would go into debt each month and overdraft on his bank account. he told that during times of stress he turns to porn to help him "release" his panic.  he would also say its normal for men to look at this, it has nothing to do with me, it not you....and so on and on .  there came a point where i just couldnt deal with it anymore. he didnt understand that him doing that, made me feel unsexy, ugly, fat, nasty, dirty, unwanted, forgotten and totally dis-respected. he told me that i was the one with the issues and i just need to deal with the fact that he will pay and look at porn all his wants, so became a huge bitch. i didnt want him to touch me, i would cry at the drop of hat. so this past july we "broke" up and i moved back home and he with his oh so very needy mother.  for a while i thought it would be good idea to stay "friends" and maybe him being home will help him deal with his issue with porn.  for a while i thought(once again i guess i didnt learn my leson from the first time) he was on the path to recovery and healthy outlook on sex. he was going to therapy, doing things that would busy his time. ok i was good- he is doing it. well that went to hell(sorry) he quit his job to start a "at home work - online store" so now he has no money coming in, living with his mom and draining her accounts. he began buying every grandma/young girl/ made at home/ escort/ hook up for sex site i think there might be on the net. i couldnt be around that anymore. i thought that it wouldnt hurt me, but it did. i dont know why i though that it wouldnt hurt. it felt like i was kicked in the gut. i now that we would never date or anything again. we were just friends-but i was still hurt. he lied to me, i allowed him to get to close to me, i allowed him back into my life. i felt like i could help him. you know be a good friend. he had a different idea. i felt him dragging my soul, sprit, life down. i couldnt talk, see or be around him any more.  i dont know if i was cheated on(while we were dating)- everytime i asked him he said no, but how can you trust a lier.  

so now he is on ever dating site out there- looking for a girlfriend, all i have to say to that poor girl who is stupid to date him. good luck. b/c once a porn addict always an addict, watch your back- that lying, cheating, stealing money, making up stories, porn watching, tring to hook up with anyone- apple didnt fall far from that tree. 

ladies- if your man watches porn and says its a guy's thing, leave- save yourself time and your self respect. he will never change. i thought i could of changed him. it doesnt work. he can love you to death- but if porn is hurting you and making you feel unwanted and unsexy- why be with someone who knows your feelings and still continues to do that one thing that just kills you inside. so now i am rebuilding myself. working  out and doing my thing. yes i wish him the worse well my feelings a hurt, maybe in 50yrs i might feel differently towards him. maybe.