Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - 07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

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July 26, 2005, 4:32 pm PDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: 03fenix

ok, I agree with these two women about how it makes me feel. I found that he looks at internet porn all the time-I tried just last night talking to him about it.....all he said was sorry. and that was the end of it. It really hurts my feelings!

Here is the catch, I enjoy watching videos and looking at pics WITH him....and I think that is where our trouble comes in. He doesn't understand-although, he hasn't said this. I just feel that is what he is thinking, just won't tell me. He doesn't liketo argueAT ALL, and does whatever he can toby pass it.

We currently got engaged and our wedding is to be next Sept.-however, I don't want to get married and go through this all the time. It makes me feel like crap!!

I am stuck-I don't know what to do either....I love him and like I said-we do look at this stuff together-that's why its so complicated. Any advice??

I am in the same boat with you. I love my husband and we have had a great marriage for over eight years. He has always been very sexual, had a bit higher sex drive than myself and I have been okay with having porn in the house (movies and magazines). He can relieve himself when I am not around and I enjoy watching movies with him, we like to fantasize together etc. But now he has developed this OBSESSION with a lingerie model; tried to contact her per phone, attends web cam sessions, recorded her a CD with some songs I thought were special to US and even bought her lingerie. All this while I was gone for nine days to visit my family. I feel cheated, for sure, but I also feel that I've been allowing this to happen by participating in above activities with him (which really have made our sex life interesting and fun!). He has been watching this particular model since '98.. I know that he loves me very much and I also know that I have to draw a line, which I have. He has promised to stop but hasn't.. I need some advice, sisters!

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washappy

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July 26, 2005, 4:40 pm PDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: snoopy974

Don't do it if you don't like him looking at porn.

You can make him change this temporarily, but not forever. A guy that looks at porn will allways have the desire to look at porn. You can't make him change that. If you try, it might work for awhile. But he will only be supressing it and eventually he will go out and find it again. And then you will have to deal with it then.

Also, if you make him quit, then he won't be himself and, therefore, will be living a lie. He won't be his ownperson, he will be what you want him to be. How long do you think it will take for him to get tired of living that way? Then, you may have to deal with him having affairs and such. And when might that be? After you have allready had kids? When you knew in the first place that he liked looking at porn and you kept him from it. You kept him from being himself.

I personally allow my husband to look at porn. I know he loves me and only me. It doesn't bother me. I know he is going to bed with me at night and he won't be fantasizing that I am one of them. Men love sex and looking at females. If you keep him happy at home, then he won't venture out and find what is missing in his life. If you let him look at the women online and give him great sex, he will allways be by your side. Men love sex, they gotta have it, and they WILL get it, however they have to. Wouldn't you rather him be getting it at home and in front of you than out there somewhere behind your back?

P.S. Looking at porn online, on video, or in magazines IS NOT CHEATING. Going out and having sex with other women IS. You women need to get that straight and lighten up, and quit being so insecure. It's a normal natural thing for men to do this. Any man that doesn't like to look a naked women is very strange to me. I would think that something was wrong with him.

How about sending stuff for your favorite lingerie model? Such as self-made music CDs, lingerie etc. And contacting her via e-mail and phone. I feel the same way you do for the most part, but I feel cheated when my husband did just those things while I was gone for few days to visit my family. Even though he has never actually met this person, he obviously spends a lot of time and money on her (several hrs per day on her web-site). However, he pays a ton of attention to me, I feel like the most beautiful woman on earth, I never need to starve for sex or attention. I don't think that feeling cheated is insecurity, I would think that it is more insecure to let your husband have an on-line girlfriend and disrespecting you. How do you feel about that?

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gabd27

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July 26, 2005, 4:47 pm PDT

Is Porn always bad?

I have to say I disagree with Dr. Phil today. Many men (and women) enjoy pornography. I do agree with him that alot of the porn that's out there is degrading to women - and I think that is wrong. But what about things like erotic literature and japanese anime? No actors are involved in these forms of porn, so no one is being exploited. If viewing pornography is not having a negative effect on your life/marriage, I don't think it's necessarily wrong.

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ihvnoidea

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July 26, 2005, 4:50 pm PDT

Hmmm....

I'm trying to understand what exactly does everyone mean by "addiction" to porn? Does the guy go through the shakes and get delusional when deprived of his fix of porn? Okay - just kidding, I understand there is such a thing as psychological "addiction" (though it's more like an obsession)and it can happen with ANYTHING - not just naughty things like porn. That's a fact - I've known a few "hunting and fishing widows" and their partners are obsessed to the point of pathological selfishness. What I just don't get or understand is why the over-reaction? I don't have any issue with my husband looking at porn, he's had a collection of Playboys ever since I met him, and he's even been known to go to a strip club now and again - with me as company now and again - tho' certainly not more than a couple times a year these days and even back when it was a 4 or 5 times each year, I don't automatically assume that he doesn't find me attractive - I'm just not that self-centered and my self-esteem isn't attached to his behavior. I am an attractive woman (he says I'm a hottie) but I'm no skinny Minnie either, and I definitely don't look much like the images he has shown me but I take it for granted that he's a smart fellow and realizes that the pictures are fantasy and he's very happy that he's married to a real-life hottie like me.

More than that I cannot imagine why anyone who has such a strong reaction to their partner looking at porn would even so much as consider marrying someone who does. If I were the man I would be wary of someone so totally opposed to viewing porn who would be willing to marry me anyway.

Certainly there are people who are dangerously obssessed with porn ("addiction" is a term that is WAY over MIS-used when it comes to bad obsessions.)

One more thing: If Dr. Phil thinks that ALL of the women involved in porn are nothing more than victims, he's totally out to lunch and completely disconnected to reality. Big suprise though - that boy is so narrow-minded at times I swear he could see through a key-hole with both eyes at the same time.

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ihvnoidea

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July 26, 2005, 4:55 pm PDT

I would kick that Man to theCurb

Quote From: adrialine

Elisa is not alone in her hatred of sex. I am even worse than her. I do not think sex is gross, but I hate it nonetheless. I have sex with my husband about once a month. He doesn't try any more than that, becuase he is too discouraged to try. He has decided he is okay with it, because he loves me, but I am not okay with it. My libido doesn't seem to even exist. I have tried changing my diet, buying toys, seeing my doctor. Nothing has helped. I will try the things Dr. Phil said to try. I hope it helps.

I would NEVER NEVER NEVER allow a man who had so little regard for his own kids anywhere NEAR my children. Masturbating in front of the children is sex abuse!

- holy cow! To quote the venerable doctor "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING????"

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jennyfur01

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July 26, 2005, 5:08 pm PDT

I know exactly how Elisa feels.

It's not that I think sex is dirty...I just hate it. It always hurts for me even when my bf is gentle, and if we use tons of lubricant. I used to want to have sex, BEFORE I did it...but ever since I started I never want it. I can't even stand to read romance novels, which I used to love, b/c they have too many sexual situations in them and i can't stand to read them. My boyfriend would love to have sex once or twice a day, but I'd be happy with once a week, or even never. We have a pretty good relationship aside from sex. I want to want it but the doctors I've seen don't seem to know what they are talking about. I've been dealing with this for over a year now. Someone please help me??? :(

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lilacmess

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July 26, 2005, 5:14 pm PDT

snoopy

Quote From: snoopy974

Don't do it if you don't like him looking at porn.

You can make him change this temporarily, but not forever. A guy that looks at porn will allways have the desire to look at porn. You can't make him change that. If you try, it might work for awhile. But he will only be supressing it and eventually he will go out and find it again. And then you will have to deal with it then.

Also, if you make him quit, then he won't be himself and, therefore, will be living a lie. He won't be his ownperson, he will be what you want him to be. How long do you think it will take for him to get tired of living that way? Then, you may have to deal with him having affairs and such. And when might that be? After you have allready had kids? When you knew in the first place that he liked looking at porn and you kept him from it. You kept him from being himself.

I personally allow my husband to look at porn. I know he loves me and only me. It doesn't bother me. I know he is going to bed with me at night and he won't be fantasizing that I am one of them. Men love sex and looking at females. If you keep him happy at home, then he won't venture out and find what is missing in his life. If you let him look at the women online and give him great sex, he will allways be by your side. Men love sex, they gotta have it, and they WILL get it, however they have to. Wouldn't you rather him be getting it at home and in front of you than out there somewhere behind your back?

P.S. Looking at porn online, on video, or in magazines IS NOT CHEATING. Going out and having sex with other women IS. You women need to get that straight and lighten up, and quit being so insecure. It's a normal natural thing for men to do this. Any man that doesn't like to look a naked women is very strange to me. I would think that something was wrong with him.

Do you honestly believe that your husband, who looks at porn, doesn't fantasize about the women in porn when he's having sex with you? Do you honestly believe that a man who isn't allowed to look at porn has no choice but to cheat with real women instead? You have really sold yourself short, like so many women. Honorable men don't cheat AND they don't look at porn. Let me tell you, if your husband is looking at pornography, he is most definitely fantasizing about those other women when he's with you. His brain is wired to do it. He could rewire his brain, certainly, but has no reason to if you don't ask him to. I encourage you to require more for yourself and start living a life of love with the "necessary evil" of pornography.

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ladyluck21

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July 26, 2005, 5:16 pm PDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Well my "love life" contains two the problems that were on Dr. Phil today. First off I hate sex! I don't really know if I think it is dirty, but thinking about doing it with my BF makes me sick. We have been together for three years and at first it was all good. Recently in the past year though he has become less and aless apprciative of things that I do, such as work, take care of our home and so forth. He yells at me, calls me name and degrades me. Therefore I pretty much feel no attraction to him because I don't feel he emotionally supporst me in any way. But he always wants to have sex. Every night he tries and I am just not into it. I don't feel I should make love with someone that acts like they don't like me most of the time unless they want something (sex). I was also sexually abused when I was young, so that may have something to do with it. My BF has always looked at Porn as well. At first I didn't think much of it....okay so you look at porn. Well over the past year since out love life has faded away he looks at porn at least once a day. He blames it on me saying that if I had sex with him more he wouldn't look at it. I don't believe him however. It is saved all over out computer and it hurts me to think he enjoys looking at it. I feel ever worse about have sex since he looks at is so much and therefore don't want to have sex even more. It is a never ending battle between us and I feel it will be the one thing that breaks up our relationship. I love him and we have some really good moments but something has to change. Oh and I do the same thing with telling him to finish up so I can go to sleep. I do know that I like sex though cus I use to really enjoy it and I dream about other guys that I know. I just don't know what to do.

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adams72282

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July 26, 2005, 5:30 pm PDT

Sex Addict?

Quote From: neecieco1

I feel so sorry for you. You are wearing blinders! You cannot help your husband "get better". He is a sexual addict, you will not change him. I have been in the same position as you, lived and loved a sexual addict. My ex destroyed my self esteem. I would love to be able to love again, but along with love comes trust and I don't know if I will ever trust another person. I pray for you and your children. A sex addict is just that, a sex addict. Will he turn into a pediphile???? Or is he already? You have small children, you are responsible for those lives. Do you really think that what he is doing does not influence them? I pray that he does not molest them. Or for that matter, any other children. Please, just remember, who he sleeps with, you sleep with. That is the one thing that finally made my decision to divorce my ex. He was a Preacher also. That should say something.

There is a difference between sex addict and porn addict. And what makes you think he will turn into a pediphile? I know that what he does influences them, which is why this is such a huge problem. HE is the one who wanted to change this.HE is the one that asked me to help him. He WAS molested by a pediphile and has every intention of doing everything he can to keep that from happening to our children. People can recover from addictions if they want to. I'm sorry that you had to go through everything you did. And I'm even more sorry that you can't trust again and that your experence has made you think that anyone who has this problem will become a pediphile or a cheater. I assure that I'm not wearing blinders, we have been seperated, and that I'm doing everything I can to protect my children. Sometimes you just have to take a chance that it really can work. And as Dr. Phil puts it, I'm not going to walk away until I've earned my way out!

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aggirl

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July 26, 2005, 5:47 pm PDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: lilacmess

Do you honestly believe that your husband, who looks at porn, doesn't fantasize about the women in porn when he's having sex with you? Do you honestly believe that a man who isn't allowed to look at porn has no choice but to cheat with real women instead? You have really sold yourself short, like so many women. Honorable men don't cheat AND they don't look at porn. Let me tell you, if your husband is looking at pornography, he is most definitely fantasizing about those other women when he's with you. His brain is wired to do it. He could rewire his brain, certainly, but has no reason to if you don't ask him to. I encourage you to require more for yourself and start living a life of love with the "necessary evil" of pornography.

My husband started looking at porn after we got married and to my knowledge. He had not done this before execpt with friends at bachlor parties and stuff. When I told hom that it really bothered me he stopped but I did not want him to miss out I just wanted him to be with me only so we decided to make our own little videos ti has been very liberating for me and he loves it I know that they don't go any further than us and it is somthing we can share instead of hide from. The major plus is that the way he reacts to them makes me feel great and we don't do anything weird just strait sex

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Topic : 07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Is Porn always bad?

Hmmm....

I would kick that Man to theCurb

I know exactly how Elisa feels.

snoopy

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Sex Addict?

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences