Quote From: derevna33
I do understand her pain. When I was first married, I promised to wait and begin our family whenwere in our early thirties. I was 23, and it meant waiting for seven years. My husband finished his education and had a better job at the newspaper. He started out as a photographer and sports writer, and he progressed to being managing editor.
One night, I woke up convinced I was finally in labor. Larry had taken the week offas a vacation from work so he could be there. It was a beautiful night, the first day of May. I was in a bit of pain. Inthe labor room, I was puzzled as to why the nurses were digging with stethoscopes into my side. And then, I knew. It was soawful, I promised I wouldn't get upset until my doctor got there. Larry was blissfully unaware--and only about half awake.
My doctor informed me that when 'You can find a heartbeat with three stethoscopesand the Doppler, it is becausethere isn't one.' There is no graceful way to tell a mother that she is in labor, but her child is dead. I had a full term stillbirth. The first thing I ever did as a parent was sign my child's death certificate. He was a handsome little 8 pound boy. I named himCharles Laurence, afterboth his grandfathers.
And, my heart broke.
I was deeply angry that God did not allow me to die, too. I knew that Charlie was in heaven, but I sure wasn't.Six weeks later, my pap smear results returned, 'suspicious, probably malignant.' While awaiting my second biopsy to see if I would be having a hysterectomy that summer, I triedkilling myself. True, I wasn't being rational. And, I didn't take nearly enoughpills.
Living afteryour heart has broken isn'tas simple as 'thinking positive thoughts.' I was in no mood to be cheered by my husband or my family or my friends. I had a major depressive illness, and it was gonna be a life sentence. True, the surgeryand medication helped slow my cervicalcancer.
The following summer, I became pregnant again.
I was worried sick. I felt as if the roof hadfallen in on me. And, I strongly suspected it would happen, again.I wasn't convinced that my second baby would live. Ifound the only defense to my predicament: I would not love my baby. If that's what it took to keep Jesus from taking my second baby to heaven with him, I wouldn't love my baby.
I had learned from watching Star Trek that people are not logical!!! No one is capable of feeling, logically. If you say how you feel about something, it is going to sound silly. I did not care that my best girlfriend stared at me in disbelief.My sister explained theChristian viewpoint, several times. I was in no mood for listening.
I was a Steel Magnolia, and I didn't know it.
I was reading through the message board and saw your post, and it made me want to tell my own story because it's weighing down on me and I feel like I'm drowning in how painful and unfair my own experience has been.
When I was 21 (i.e. 16 years ago), I had to have radical surgery to remove one of my ovaries, part of another and parts of both my Fallopian tubes. I was told then that my only chance of getting pregant was through in vitro fertilization (IVF). That knowledge caused me a great deal of pain over the years, looking at my peers, who seemed so carefree with untroubled futures before them.
I finally married at 34 and began treatments. I knew they would be hard, but I didn't think they would be as difficult as they are and I didn't expect them to last so long. Over the period of a year and a half, I had two surgeries, over 3 hundred injections, four egg retrievals under anesthesia, and more medical and monitoring tests and procedures than I can even remember. We had decided on the fourth cycle that we had essentially exhausted all our options and planned on building our family through adoption. Then the miracle happened. That fourth cycle was successful. No one could believe it-- least of all our doctor.
It was a miracle. I never had any morning sickness, really no problems whatsoever. The baby was completely healthy and in the exact statistical center for height and weight. Then on Thanksgiving Day I had some pain in my back, and I went to the Dr. the next day because of some light spotting. I was already 4 cm dilated. I gave birth later that night in the hospital. I was only at 22 weeks and no attempts were even made to revive my daughter because she was so extremely premature. She died in my arms.
Her grave marker was placed last week and we completed another IVF cycle on Monday. It was unsuccessful. So what I would really like to do is just slam my head against the wall repeatedly and cry and cry--- why can't I catch a break?
It’s the last day in The Dr. Phil House for four families struggling to tone down the chaos, fighting and unhappiness. Have you ever wanted to be a fly on the wall and listen to what your kids say about you? Well, the moms get that chance. They watch and listen behind a two-way mirror as their kids have a conversation with one of their peers. Don’t miss Wendy’s reaction when her son, Noah, opens up about his sister’s death. When Dr. Phil puts the kids to the task of cleaning up a filthy room, will the challenge be too much for them … or their parents? Next, Dr. Phil sits down with the mothers and the fathers separately for some no-nonsense parenting advice. If you’re a parent, you won’t want to miss this valuable lesson in parenting! Then, Dr. Phil helps the parents make the first step in creating a phenomenal family. Plus, how are these families doing now? Don’t miss the surprising update! And, are you looking for something fun for your kids this summer? Deborah Gibson has gone from teen pop sensation to an inspiring musical mentor. See how she makes deserving children’s dreams come true at her Camp Electric Youth! Join the discussion.
