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Topic : 05/29 The Sex Talk

Number of Replies: 101
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Created on : Friday, May 23, 2008, 07:50:23 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil delves into a topic so terrifying, so uncomfortable and daunting that some parents absolutely refuse to do it … It’s the sex talk! With the help of Dr. John Chirban and his book, What’s Love Got to Do with It: Talking with Your Kids about Sex, Dr. Phil takes on some petrified parents who are long overdue for this discussion. Jackie is a mother of two daughters, 11 and 13. She’s so terrified to have the talk, she’s never even brought up the topic! Just the thought of the S word sends Jackie into a tailspin. Dr. Chirban coaches Jackie through what she calls the most difficult conversation in her life. How do Jackie’s daughters think she did? Then, Pam is a mother who thought she had everything right when it came to talking to her 14-year-old daughter, Ashley, about sex. So why does she now think her daughter might be pregnant? Pam and Ashley visited the doctor and are ready to hear the results of the pregnancy test. Plus, meet a mother and father who are terrified that their 10-year-old son will be scarred for life from what he recently saw on the Internet. Then, Dr. Chirban sits down with a group of kids to find out what they know about sex, while the parents secretly watch. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.



How do you talk to your teens about sex? Share your story.

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May 29, 2008, 10:50 pm CDT

05/29 The Sex Talk

Quote From: cndrlla

What a lovely world it would be if abstinence worked! Unfortunately, it doesn't, so you have to deal with reality.  You can give a kid 60 million reasons why not having sex is the way to go, but as soon as those hormones start raging, combined with the undeveloped brains of teens, (I'm not being funny here...it's a proven scientific fact) and mixed with misinformation, scare tactics and no information at all....stir in a ridiculous dose of too MUCH information, such as TV, movies, Internet, magazines...etc. with which our kids are being bombarded....and the chances of a teen "just saying no" are pretty slim!

 

Sure, there are teens who manage to stay virgins, or choose "secondary virginity".....and God bless them!! But they are in the minority. Teen pregnancy is on the rise, as are STDs.

Great post!  You said everything I was going to, thank you for saving me the trouble! LOL
 
May 29, 2008, 11:07 pm CDT

Gotta luv 'em

My son was about 5 when he wanted more info than 'when two people love each other, and with God's help, they make a baby' (which is what I told him the 1st time he asked). He had seen a lot of pregnant women because I often took him to my Mom's workplace (she was an Ob/Gyn nurse).

 

So, this time I told him women have eggs men have sperm blah blah blah (I forget exactly what I said but I kept it short and simple and he was satisfied)... or so I thought lol.

 

The next day he was with his Grandpa running errands and this was their conversation more or less:

 

'Grandpa, Mom told me how babies are made'

'Oh,really?'

'But there is something I don't understand'

'Well, be sure to talk to Mom about it tonite'  (lol)

'Mom told me about the eggs and sperm and stuff'... Grandpa almost runs the vehicle off the road lol

'Ok, so when is your next t-ball game?... guess Grandpa didn't understand the one-track mind of a 5yr old lol

'Saturday.... but I have a question'

'Okay.......................................................................what is it'

"Where do the shells from the eggs go?' LOL

 

Needless to say I hadn't given enough info.

 

Anyway, through the years we have discussed this topic... usually nothing planned just casual conversation and I would bring up the subject or we would watch a good show that was geared toward parent/child viewing about sexuality/sex.

 

Most of the time, for us, it seemed easier to talk (about a variety of things) while driving.

 
May 30, 2008, 2:41 am CDT

Why do people blame Dr. Phil?

I have read many of the posts here and I've noticed that the good Dr. keeps getting blamed for many things. Why didn't they use an at home pregnancy test? Why did they go on the show to begin with? Dr. Phil doesn't go knocking on doors to see if a teenager is pregnant or having sex. People on the show write to him to be on the show and they obviously agree for the results to be announced on TV. And by the way, drugstore results aren't always 100%. If it was my daughter I would want her to see a doctor, not just for the test but for information, birth control options if they are going to continue, which they probably will, and to be checked for std's and HIV. According to the statistics teenagers are the fastest growing group for HIV. That's very scary! I also read someone accuse the Doc about not discussing the boys role in this. What is a teenage boy going to do? Get a job? Pay child support? If the girl is 13 and the boy is 19 he needs to be arrested for statutory rape. Of course Dr. Phil wants high ratings, if he didn't get them his show wouldn't last, but I don't think he is exploiting anyone just to get them. Everyone on the show is there on their own free will. I have a question. What is secondary sex? I've never heard of that term. I do know that a lot of young teenage girls are now giving oral sex to keep their virginity intact and I find that behavior abhorrent. I can appreciate parents being embarrassed to bring up the subject of sex but in this day and age it is vital. I also think that the clothing industry needs to take some responsibility for what is happening to todays youth. You go into a fine department store and the clothing they have to offer for the young teenage girls is downright sleazy. I am always shocked by this. They really don't give much in the way of options to pick from. In my day a girl usually lost her virginity on prom night, around the age of 17, it amazes me that it's happening so much younger now. I think the topic of this show was indeed very timely and needed to be put out there. Parents are sometimes blind as to what their children are doing and thinking and of course still see them as their little babies. I can appreciate that, since my husband still doesn't like to think that his grown and married daughter with children has sex. I find it funny, it had to happen someday, if he wants grandkids anyway. On the lighter side I LOVED the little ones on the show. Out of the mouth's of babe's. "My dad is stronger than my mom but my mom is smarter"! I laughed so much watching those darling little kids. How precious can it get? One last statement, of course I think abstinence is best but if it wasn't happening 50 years ago you can't expect it to happen today. Not that I was around 50 years ago but I know people who were. The best thing to do is to hope for abstinence but prepare your teens if they choose otherwise.

 

 

 

 

 
May 30, 2008, 2:48 am CDT

I agree!

Quote From: cheerbee3

First of all, I would like to THANK YOU for doing this show topic today.  That book you showcased is exactly what my husband and I are trying to communicate to parents and teens in our community.  Especially in our church.  Telling kids "Don't do it, it's bad" and ending it there really does our kids a dis-service.  Parents need to not rely on school or youth pastors to talk to thier kids about sex, it does need to be an ongoing dialogue, and we need to talk about how AWESOME God created it to be.  Just looking at the biology of sex and how humans are created differently than every other mammal on earth shows that sex is cool.  The fact we have sex face to face, that females have a clitoris, that oxytocin is released emotionally connecting the girl to that man forever, there is so much that screams sex is special and should be treated that way. Now I personally add that due to these biological reasons it makes the most sense then to obey God and wait until marriage, because that is when I believe sex is the best!  Anyway, I could go on for hours because this topic is my passion!

I only had one dissapointment with today's show............

     I wish that when Dr. Masterson had that 14 yr old girl in her Dr.'s office she would have also tested her for STD's.  It is great that she was not pregnant, but what if those older guys she slept with gave her an STD that could lead to cancer or infertility?  Working at a Pregnancy resource center, girls always breath a sign of relief when the test is negative, but these girls are not out of the woods yet. Anyone sexually active these days needs to be checked frequently because unless you are wearing a full latex body suit, there is no way to prevent contracting an STD.

  Thanks for listening!

Just one more thing to add, they now have a vaccine for the form of genital warts that is known to cause cancer and every sexually active teen girl needs to get one. So extremely important! OK, one more thing to add, genital herpes is also on the rise along with everything else and 1 out of every 4 people have it. That's some pretty staggering numbers and I'm sure a girl wouldn't want to have to live with that for the rest of her life. Condoms are not a fail safe way to prevent it either.
 
May 30, 2008, 3:01 am CDT

True!

Quote From: lynlovel

 true, middle school is late. kids a re hearing about sex earlier these days. and not just from the internet, etc as they mentioned on the show,but from other kids. there's always one parent who told their kid allabout intercourse at avery early age or an older brother or sister who did so. somekids willl let you ( general) know, as mine did, when they've heard something about "what men and women do" that they don't understand. others won't,but i think if you keep an open ongoing dialogue going about life, love,our bodies, etc. you may be able to "tell" when your kid is becoming curious.you certainly will leave an opening for him/her to ask questions.
I learned about sex from a friend who already knew about it from her parents. My parents were pretty old  school and were not comfortable having this discussion I guess. When I was 12 I didn't have a clue where babies came from and a friend of mine told me. It was very traumatic for me to believe that my parents did that and I went home crying my eyes out. I sobbingly asked my mother if it was true and she said "No, of course not". I don't have any hang ups about it or anything but once I did learn the truth and as I became older I vowed that my children would learn from an early age about sex, more like mommy and daddy love each other and that's where babies come from, kind of thing. Too long to express my planned dialog but you should get what I mean. It just floors me though about how much children do know nowadays and how early they are getting involved. This gives new meaning to the old expression "Babies having babies".
 
May 30, 2008, 6:00 am CDT

Hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote From: feistyd

My son was about 5 when he wanted more info than 'when two people love each other, and with God's help, they make a baby' (which is what I told him the 1st time he asked). He had seen a lot of pregnant women because I often took him to my Mom's workplace (she was an Ob/Gyn nurse).

 

So, this time I told him women have eggs men have sperm blah blah blah (I forget exactly what I said but I kept it short and simple and he was satisfied)... or so I thought lol.

 

The next day he was with his Grandpa running errands and this was their conversation more or less:

 

'Grandpa, Mom told me how babies are made'

'Oh,really?'

'But there is something I don't understand'

'Well, be sure to talk to Mom about it tonite'  (lol)

'Mom told me about the eggs and sperm and stuff'... Grandpa almost runs the vehicle off the road lol

'Ok, so when is your next t-ball game?... guess Grandpa didn't understand the one-track mind of a 5yr old lol

'Saturday.... but I have a question'

'Okay.......................................................................what is it'

"Where do the shells from the eggs go?' LOL

 

Needless to say I hadn't given enough info.

 

Anyway, through the years we have discussed this topic... usually nothing planned just casual conversation and I would bring up the subject or we would watch a good show that was geared toward parent/child viewing about sexuality/sex.

 

Most of the time, for us, it seemed easier to talk (about a variety of things) while driving.

This has me laughing!!!!!!!!!!! A person couldn't come up with a joke better than that if he tried. Like I said "Out of the Mouths of Babes!". So glad you shared this with us.

 
May 30, 2008, 8:24 am CDT

05/29 The Sex Talk

Quote From: julie1418

I am all for holding boys equally accountable, but the reality is what happens to the girl WON'T happen to the boy also. It is the GIRL who will get pregnant. Dr. Phil was speaking to a GIRL, so he needed to address her reality. If he was speaking to a sexually active boy, the conversation would probably be equally stern, but still different.
The 19 year old boy should be in jail!!!!! that would be holding him accountable, for his actions!!!
 
May 30, 2008, 8:59 am CDT

the sex talk

Quote From: rebalacia

Well I think that you may be generalizing.  You are also attaching a stigma to young parents.  I was a young mom at 16.  I dropped out of high school with a grade 9 education.  I hid myself away from the world.  I was ashamed of being pregnant and I felt like I had let down my parents.  My dad whom had never really been involved in my life decided that he was going to disown me and my step father convinced my mother that I needed to move out with my 21 year old boyfriend.  My situation is one that may be different then one that the general public may perceive.  My step father was very abusive; mentally, physically, and emotionally.  he came into my life when I was seven and from the beginning he was jealous of my mothers relationship with me.  He beat me very bad on  several occasions.  I lost my virginity during March break of my gr.9 year.  I had been with my boyfriend from September of that year ans spent every opportunity possible with him.  We mainly went for walks, held each others hand, cuddled watching movies, and kissed.  Eventually I felt as though I was ready and asked him if he was comfortable with it.  He was reluctant and he was 2 years older then me.  After being together for 2 years he eventually started to loose interest in me.  My step dad kicked me out; and my mother being so dependent on my step dad choose him over me.  To this day I still have some hard feelings about that but I've dealt with it for the most part.  My mother never knew about the abuse because she was never there when it occurred.  My step father would always convince me that whatever I had done was so wrong that if I told my mother what happened she would be equally as angry.  My young life was very confusing and there is far too much to write to give you the full picture.  Anyway by the time I was kicked out I had no where to go and I met Jeremy....a friend of my ex-boyfriends.  He had a home and had just received some money after his grandmother died.  he spent the whole summer with me in a tent in the bush behind his dads house in a small lakshore country community called 'Joyland Beach'.  He looked young and I thought he was only 18  or 19.  It never really occurred to me to ask how old he was.  I soon discovered after living in a tent that he was 21 turning 22.  He was very immature for his age....he could have fooled me.  Either way I had feelings for him and he stayed with me knowing that I was alone and that I had not a soul in the world.  He had a home....he could have gone back at any time.  By the time late august rolled around I discovered I was pregnant.  When I told Jeremy he smiled and told me everything was going to be okay.  The first day we found out all we did was smile at each other.  We were both happy and we both had no idea exactly what having a bay meant.  I phoned my mother and she convinced my step dad to let me move back home.  Jeremy wasn't aloud to come and that was hard for me but understandable.  Within 7 days he went to his reserve and  got a job.  Immediately my step dad began talking about how I made a new life with someone else and I didn't belong at home.  i was so young and I remember being very scared.  I knew I cared for Jeremy but I wasn't ready to leave me mom.  I had already had her controlled and taken away from me while I was living there and I was horrified of the idea that I wouldn't see much of her at all (which is exactly what happened) - Jeremy and I moved in together and we moved allot.  He walked from in town 25 Kim's to his work everyday where he worked as a maintenance worker for the reserve.  Cutting grass, weed whacking, and snow shoveling and plowing in the winter.  His income was only 1200.00 a month.  We struggled to pay rent.  We didn't even have a t.v. for the first year.  All I left home with was a mattress, some canned food, my clothes, some pictures and curtains my mother gave me and some pots and pans and a few dishes.  Life was rough.  We couldn't afford to do our laundry at the laundry mat so I washed all our clothe by hand in the bath tub and kitchen sink for 3 years.  My hands would blister and bleed from the towels ripping up my hands.  I suffered from Post partum Depression and it went untreated.  I didn't give my firstborn the initial head start that she deserved but my partner Jeremy made up for what I lacked.  I was hard for me to get that connection with her I was so lost in my depression.  I wasn't a good mom to her.  It took 5 years for me to bond with her and get a great connection.  I love her so much.  Sometimes I cry when I think about how impatient I was.  I'd also like to say that I don't believe that age has much to with patience. There are plenty of 30 + year olds that I know that have far less patience for their children then I do today.  I have greatly improved in these past 7 years.  I have also grown in more ways then I could have ever imagined.  By the time I was 19 I had my second child.  I felt happy.  She was born on Nov 11th of 04.  She was my gift.  She was so brilliant. She was a very happy baby.  Research shows that chemical unbalances such as depression can have an affect on the unborn child.  My first daughter was a very hard baby to take care of.  I was very put at ease with my second.  I was discouraged about my education at this point but I always knew I would get a post secondary education. Finally When My youngest daughter was two I went to school for an Addictions and community service worker and achieved  a diploma at CDI College.  It's a private college and it cost me over 11,000 in tuition over 11 months and in total 21,000 in OSAP.  Since then I realized that counselling is not for me.  I'd like to be there to help others but I cant tolerate hearing the horror stories of young children as it brings much pain back into my heart.  So, i moved on to Georgian College; opposite of CDI it is a public college.  I am 23 years old.  I have more then what some people have in their 40's.  My other half; Jeremy now makes 40,000 a year and we have more then we could ever ask for.  I am continuing on in my education for ECE and then a BA.  My goal is to work for the Simcoe County School Board as a Level 2 EA who specializes in developmentally delayed children.  I don't recommend that teenagers go and get pregnant as I myself know exactly how difficult it is.  It is more difficult then you'll ever know.  There are many factors that the general society just don't seem to understand.  A huge issue is dealing with the stigma attached to young mom and families trying to do right.  I made it when everyone thought I would plummet and fail.  I am currently pregnant with my third and this child will not be slowing me down.  I'll do what ever I have to do to make it work and I will continue to sacrifice for my children.  Yes, some teenagers go on welfare and choose not to work and live a rough life.....which those children who grow up in impoverished families are also statistically exposed to higher levels of violence, drugs, and psychological/emotional abuse.  There are many people where I come from that are on Welfare...that are in their 30's, 40's and so on who also have children, just because you are young does not necessarily mean that you are going to fail and abuse your kids.  My children certainly are not abused, they are certainly not unloving....they are probably some the most affectionate tiny human beings I've ever met.  Oh yeah - children aren't bad, their parents are the ones who help shape and develop their tiny minds....you can change your child by the way you act.  One more thing......Children are NEVER bad they just make bad choices.........There is no such thing as a bad child.  Some parents may be offended by that statement but I see the effects of not bonding properly with my daughter at any earlier age pop up on occasion....she has lower self assurance, she doubts herself sometimes when she shouldn't.....shes a bright girl.  I tell her she beautiful and smart every day. 

 

IT IS ALWAYS UP TO THE WOMAN/GIRL IF SHE WANTS TO KEEP HER BABY....IT WOULD BE CRUEL TO STRIP A CHILD AWAY FROM A MOTHER AND MAKE HER LOSE A PART OF HERSELF SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE IS YOUNG>  WHO ARE WE TO SAY WHETHER OR NOT SHE CAN DO A GOOD JOB UNTIL WE HAVE SEEN HER IN ACTION>  I CAN TELL YOU MY FATHER TOLD ME TO GET AN ABORTION OR GIVE THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION OR HE WOULDN'T SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN>>>>>>YOU CAN BET ON MY LIFE THAT I TOLD HIM TO GO *&%*& HIMSELF.  He also told me that he would be calling children's aid on me as soon as the baby was born just because I was a Young mom.  You can imagine the type of relationship I have with my father.  (Its not good....not even close) His words were damaging and when I needed a helping hand and support the most I was abandoned and kicked to the curb.  i did it all without anybody but the father of my children at my side. 

Thank you so much for telling your story and helping break the stigma attaced to young parents. Some people should realize that not all teen mothers end up on welfare and have a dead beat baby's father. I was also a teen mother twice (first at 15 second at 19). Even though we were young, we still have been able to provide a much healthier household than we ever had as a child.
 
May 30, 2008, 9:41 am CDT

The A Word

Quote From: tinynedl2

Why doesn't any professional recommend, or at least mention, ABSTINENCE?  I've never heard Dr Phil or Dr Masterson mention it.  Dr Phil, if you've *ever* promoted abstinence, that was the one day I didn't watch your show, and I'm sorry.  You have the attention of the world, and could easily influence millions to step back from the brink of having sex in the wrong times, conditions, places and people.  Truly, why don't you occasionally suggest it? And why do you not talk about "secondary virginity"?  Millions of teens would be so relieved if they knew they could say "no" late, rather than never.  Why not do a show of a panel of teenagers who are virgins?  There are millions of them out there, and they are almost voiceless.  You have rewarded young people for various things in the past (academics or hard work comes to mind). Virgin teens deserve to be rewarded and encouraged and held up as a good example.  And, Dr Phil, why not use your healthy ego to boldly say there's nothing wrong with being a virgin at 40, when Hollywood jeers and mocks it?  How about a show that tastefully treats the topic of lewd clothing?  Teach parents to forbid their kids from wearing clothes once best suited for prostitution and pornography!  Singles and parents wonder why the rape rate is so high, yet they, and/or their daughters, dress in clothes that would make Marilyn Monroe blush.  Every night of the week parents allow their kids to go to movies and watch TV shows that push sex, and make fun of those who don't.  Talking about sex with kids is very critical and should be done early and often, as today's show made clear.  But please, emphasize the fact that they will never have to worry about STDs, including AIDS, and they'll never have to worry about kid/teen pregnancy, and they probably won't have to worry about future sex problems as adults, if they simply apply the "A" word.  One problem about that: abstinence on a small scale is not cool, and some kids might lose friends over it.  Abstinence on a large scale is not cool either, and the show might lose some viewers.

I agree abstinence needs to be PART of the education.  With mine I stressed abstinence and so far so good but I also prepared my daughter for every decision she would make and I pray she comes to me.  We have had open discussions from the day she started to ask questions.  Being a nurse working in a field that has required me to talk openly with strangers speaking with people I know and love is easy.  Kids absorb what they need and move on and when they are ready for more they ask.  Some of my step daughter's friends mom when she was a teen used to bring their kids to me so I could have the talk with their kids on proper condom use etc.  The first time my step daughter corrected her health teacher about HIV I was proud - she was listening!!!  It's a new world out there and as parents we need to deal with it.  Like I said abstinence was stressed and my stepdaughter almost made it to the alter and my daughter is 17 so too young for thoughts of marriage.  I can tell you the boys she dates know exactly where her dad and I stand on how she is to be treated and what out expectations are but just in case she is prepared and I pay for that.  Condoms are much cheaper then AIDS and babies so I really hate hearing parents say they won't pay for pills or condoms. 

 

The best part of the show was the child who said my dad is strong but MY MOM IS SMARTER.  I have to get a tape of that to play for my husband daily!! 

 
May 30, 2008, 10:01 am CDT

05/29 The Sex Talk

lets begin with this iam not fat and maybe you are just looking at the person and not what the person really like not all color or anybody size should matter  along as they are happy with them self. you do'nt live in my home or do you all know what all goes on hear. yes i did go to the police  they took care of it. iam not dum

and last we have been though alot and the show only help us so you can think what ever you want .

 
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