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Topic : 05/29 The Sex Talk

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Created on : Friday, May 23, 2008, 07:50:23 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil delves into a topic so terrifying, so uncomfortable and daunting that some parents absolutely refuse to do it … It’s the sex talk! With the help of Dr. John Chirban and his book, What’s Love Got to Do with It: Talking with Your Kids about Sex, Dr. Phil takes on some petrified parents who are long overdue for this discussion. Jackie is a mother of two daughters, 11 and 13. She’s so terrified to have the talk, she’s never even brought up the topic! Just the thought of the S word sends Jackie into a tailspin. Dr. Chirban coaches Jackie through what she calls the most difficult conversation in her life. How do Jackie’s daughters think she did? Then, Pam is a mother who thought she had everything right when it came to talking to her 14-year-old daughter, Ashley, about sex. So why does she now think her daughter might be pregnant? Pam and Ashley visited the doctor and are ready to hear the results of the pregnancy test. Plus, meet a mother and father who are terrified that their 10-year-old son will be scarred for life from what he recently saw on the Internet. Then, Dr. Chirban sits down with a group of kids to find out what they know about sex, while the parents secretly watch. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.



How do you talk to your teens about sex? Share your story.

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May 31, 2008, 3:17 pm CDT

Sex education

Quote From: fireflychaser

I am 17 and I think it isCrazy for parents to not talk to there kids about sex. Neither of my parents have talked to me about sex! The only thing my parents ever told me was when i was 4 and asked where baby's come from they told me Ohio! I would just like to say that any parents that read this, if you have not talked to your kids, please talk and please listen to them. My parents not being willing to talk about anything and pretending like it is not real just becuase it can be weird or diffcult has really driven a wedge between us. I don't want to see that happend to anyone else. I think shows that help parents talk to there kids about anything and more importantly listen to there kids is great, I don't think some parents realize how not talking to there kids can really hurt them.

 

 

AML

 

Laur

I know I’m going to get hammered with this post, but it’s something to think about. We want teens not to have sex, but statistics show they’re going to do it anyway. So why not educate them early in schools on responsibilities, STD’s and birth control like the countries is this post that have low pregnancy rates. We try to protect our kids and want a certain lifestyle for them, but when the hormones kick in, they’re going to make their own choices. I would feel better knowing my daughter goes into this stage well educated rather than trial and error. We know how that works.

In Western Europe

Tuesday, May 16, 2006; Page HE01

Pierre-Andre Michaud, chief of the Multidisciplinary Unit for Adolescent Health at the University of Lausanne Hospital in Switzerland and a leading researcher in European teen sexuality, dismisses the idea--widely held in the United States--that sex constitutes risky behavior for teens. He wrote: "In many European countries -- Switzerland in particular -- sexual intercourse, at least from the age of 15 or 16 years, is considered acceptable and even part of normative adolescent behavior." Switzerland, he noted, has one of the world's lowest rates of abortion and teen pregnancy. Teens there, like those in Sweden and the Netherlands, have easy access to contraceptives, confidential health care and comprehensive sex education. Societal acceptance of sexual activity among young people, combined with comprehensive and balanced information about sexuality and clear expectations about commitment and prevention childbearing and STDs within teenage relationships, are hallmarks of countries with low levels of adolescent pregnancy, childbearing and STDs. Swedish society teaches that sex should occur in a committed relationship "and also that teenagers should use contraceptives, be informed and take responsibility. In Sweden, compulsory sex education starts when children are 10 to 12. Without parental consent, teens can get free medical care, free condoms, prescriptions for inexpensive oral contraceptives and general advice at youth clinics. Straightforward messages on how to prevent STDs and teen pregnancy help offset the impact on teens of sexually explicit ads, movies and other mass media -- as ubiquitous in Western Europe as in the United States. Western Europe also attaches more social stigma to teen pregnancy and teen motherhood than do some American sub-cultures. The focus [in Western Europe] is much more on preventing pregnancy and less on sex itself.

Although some experts argue that economic, educational and racial diversity in the U.S. distort national figures and invalidate comparisons with more homogenous Western European countries. Swiss teens who have dropped out of high school, used drugs or lived in disadvantaged areas of the country, tend to use contraception regardless of economic status.

Abstinence is not something the Swiss press on teens. "We think it's unfair. It's useless. It's inefficient. We have been advocating the use of the condom . . . and I think that we tend to be successful

 
May 31, 2008, 5:45 pm CDT

05/29 The Sex Talk

Quote From: txgirl39

Can't I just live in that happy world? LOL

 

I agree with what you are saying, but abstinence should be part of the sex education. We can't assume just because they aren't going to listen and do what they want anyway we can't try!!! Maybe just maybe, we will have that one kid that does value our opinion.

 

I just wanted to add I was a very promiscuous teen. Not something I'm proud of. Although through the grace of God I never got pregnant or contacted an STD, the emotional damage haunted me for years. I was sexually abused as a child and my self-esteem was very bad, but every time I let  guy use me it went from bad to worse.

 

   

I think that abstinence is an inherent part of sex education...you can't teach sex education with out the logic of abstinence being there. I don't get why people get so hung up on that part...it's sort of a no brainer. If you teach a kid about all aspects of sex then of course, abstaining from sex means abstaining from the risk.


 
May 31, 2008, 9:18 pm CDT

It's hard sometimes...

I always had a very good relationship with my mother. We were very close and we talked a lot about anything. With my first boyfriend (i was 16, now i'm 35 with 2 kids) she gave me all the tools i needed. She talked about love, pleasure, self-esteem, beeing healthy, etc. It was special because, even now, i never saw, in my entourage, any mother-daughter relationship as deep as we had. She cared so much about my future well-being as an adult and my personal blooming, that she kept for herself her anxiety when she was worried about me. She just didn't want me to deal with HER anxiety for me. Sometimes, i was going out with some friends that she knew that were not a good influence.  But she TRUSTED me and i felt that confidence she had in me. My friends were doing some weird things and just thinking of my mother was enough to bring my ''brain'' back. Now, she is gone. She died when i was 21 years old. We had no taboo, even in sickness and death (sorry, i'm french, i may do some mistakes in the words). We talked about death without shame and without restraint, whatsoever. IT WAS THE SAME WITH SEX. Now that i'm a mother too, i try to use the way i was raised to help my kids to get through all the steps of life. My problem is: My older daughter is masturbating since she's 2 years old. She found out that it was fun when once, pretending to ride a motorcycle. I always give her answers when she ask and i ask her questions too, to make her feel comfortable. When i ask her questions (ex: why you like to do... or what do you feel in your body when...), i just let her answer and i keep it cool. I don't get on her to give her details on everything, i read and i believe that when the kids are ready to know the answer, they ask the question. Beeing very, very, very curious by nature (she's contemplative, observing and asking a lot of questions about anything), she already ask me about ''how body works to make babies'' and she wants to know everything in every details. She already knows that the daddy has ''fishes'' almost invisible (too tiny) in his stomach and he has to put one of his fishes inside the egg, that the mom has inside her belly.  I told her this ''story'' when she asked me, at 4 years old.  Now at 7, with all her questions that i answered (always careful to do it with a high degree of respect) she knows how babies are done. She knows that the dad has to put his penis inside the vagina of the mom so the little fishes can reach the egg...  For now, it's all very ''technical'' but her curiosity mixed with the fun she has for masturbation (she does it everyday) makes me worry a little bit. I don't want to make her feel bad about sexuality but i don't want her to be an ''obsessed'' nether.  I have no clue where i should go from now. It is natural to talk sex with our kids but i think that she's a bit young for all she know already.  What do you all think? The line between black and white is so thin sometimes...
 
June 1, 2008, 5:47 am CDT

05/29 The Sex Talk

Quote From: tinynedl2

Why doesn't any professional recommend, or at least mention, ABSTINENCE?  I've never heard Dr Phil or Dr Masterson mention it.  Dr Phil, if you've *ever* promoted abstinence, that was the one day I didn't watch your show, and I'm sorry.  You have the attention of the world, and could easily influence millions to step back from the brink of having sex in the wrong times, conditions, places and people.  Truly, why don't you occasionally suggest it? And why do you not talk about "secondary virginity"?  Millions of teens would be so relieved if they knew they could say "no" late, rather than never.  Why not do a show of a panel of teenagers who are virgins?  There are millions of them out there, and they are almost voiceless.  You have rewarded young people for various things in the past (academics or hard work comes to mind). Virgin teens deserve to be rewarded and encouraged and held up as a good example.  And, Dr Phil, why not use your healthy ego to boldly say there's nothing wrong with being a virgin at 40, when Hollywood jeers and mocks it?  How about a show that tastefully treats the topic of lewd clothing?  Teach parents to forbid their kids from wearing clothes once best suited for prostitution and pornography!  Singles and parents wonder why the rape rate is so high, yet they, and/or their daughters, dress in clothes that would make Marilyn Monroe blush.  Every night of the week parents allow their kids to go to movies and watch TV shows that push sex, and make fun of those who don't.  Talking about sex with kids is very critical and should be done early and often, as today's show made clear.  But please, emphasize the fact that they will never have to worry about STDs, including AIDS, and they'll never have to worry about kid/teen pregnancy, and they probably won't have to worry about future sex problems as adults, if they simply apply the "A" word.  One problem about that: abstinence on a small scale is not cool, and some kids might lose friends over it.  Abstinence on a large scale is not cool either, and the show might lose some viewers.

abstinence is a good thing, but logically  kids are signing contracts with their parents. and then texting their friends about what a joke it is and i want to loose my vcard to you.  you can't assume because you push for it is gonna happen . I have a 14 year old who is dating. the girls parents had her sign that contract made her break up with my son cause all he wanted was in her pants. when she is texting my son about  her naked body and her contract my son is telling her he wants to wait that sex messed things up. then he has a friend texting him about getting head.  I have always been open about sex with my son and answered any questions. I tell him I'd perfer he waits and explain the why's not just cause I say so but I also tell him that if he makes the descition I'd rather he come to me and I can prepare him properly that be a grandma.  he doesn't know I read his texts so i can't freak out about them I just have to start conversations that kind of bring those things up and get my values in there and hope he picks them up. but whether we like it or not they are teens and think they know more than us and they will sneak around to do things ....just food for thought.but if abstince is all you push they will do it just to defy you.if my sons girlfriends parents taught her sex as well as abstence I may not be so shocked in the texts she sends my son. ..
 
June 1, 2008, 8:54 am CDT

Well said!

Quote From: lynlovel

 and some of them go through romance's disapointments, jealousies and heartbreak when they are way to young to handle it.  childhood ends, or  at least, "begins to end," too quickly for many today, i thik.
Maybe I was an immature 12 year old but I was still playing with my Barbies at that age. How does it go from Barbie to sex? I know todays culture has definately helped to influence this behavior but is there anyway in which to slow it down now that the Horse is out of the barn? Is there anyway for children to reclaim their childhoods or is it too late? I think this is terribly sad. You have so MANY years to deal with adult problems, holding down a job, paying a motgage, taxes, marriage, etc. and so few to be a carefree child. I wish todays youth could realize that they have the rest of their lives to deal with sex and everything that comes along with it and stop wishing and throwing their childhoods away.
 
June 1, 2008, 8:57 am CDT

information

Quote From: gabrilouna

I always had a very good relationship with my mother. We were very close and we talked a lot about anything. With my first boyfriend (i was 16, now i'm 35 with 2 kids) she gave me all the tools i needed. She talked about love, pleasure, self-esteem, beeing healthy, etc. It was special because, even now, i never saw, in my entourage, any mother-daughter relationship as deep as we had. She cared so much about my future well-being as an adult and my personal blooming, that she kept for herself her anxiety when she was worried about me. She just didn't want me to deal with HER anxiety for me. Sometimes, i was going out with some friends that she knew that were not a good influence.  But she TRUSTED me and i felt that confidence she had in me. My friends were doing some weird things and just thinking of my mother was enough to bring my ''brain'' back. Now, she is gone. She died when i was 21 years old. We had no taboo, even in sickness and death (sorry, i'm french, i may do some mistakes in the words). We talked about death without shame and without restraint, whatsoever. IT WAS THE SAME WITH SEX. Now that i'm a mother too, i try to use the way i was raised to help my kids to get through all the steps of life. My problem is: My older daughter is masturbating since she's 2 years old. She found out that it was fun when once, pretending to ride a motorcycle. I always give her answers when she ask and i ask her questions too, to make her feel comfortable. When i ask her questions (ex: why you like to do... or what do you feel in your body when...), i just let her answer and i keep it cool. I don't get on her to give her details on everything, i read and i believe that when the kids are ready to know the answer, they ask the question. Beeing very, very, very curious by nature (she's contemplative, observing and asking a lot of questions about anything), she already ask me about ''how body works to make babies'' and she wants to know everything in every details. She already knows that the daddy has ''fishes'' almost invisible (too tiny) in his stomach and he has to put one of his fishes inside the egg, that the mom has inside her belly.  I told her this ''story'' when she asked me, at 4 years old.  Now at 7, with all her questions that i answered (always careful to do it with a high degree of respect) she knows how babies are done. She knows that the dad has to put his penis inside the vagina of the mom so the little fishes can reach the egg...  For now, it's all very ''technical'' but her curiosity mixed with the fun she has for masturbation (she does it everyday) makes me worry a little bit. I don't want to make her feel bad about sexuality but i don't want her to be an ''obsessed'' nether.  I have no clue where i should go from now. It is natural to talk sex with our kids but i think that she's a bit young for all she know already.  What do you all think? The line between black and white is so thin sometimes...

I think it is great you are building a close relationship with your child.

 

I taught first and second grade and I can tell you many of them had knowledge about sex. I was shocked when I first started teaching, but the truth is many of them have older siblings or hang out with older neighbor kids. And lets face it sex is everywhere in our society. Some of my students would tell me they are allowed to watch rated R movies.

 

What I'm trying to get at is your child is going to hear stuff from their classmates. For me this always opened the dialogue for me and my children. I remember once my daughter came home and asked me if a girl can have sex with another girl, because someone in her class had told her about gay people. I wasn't quite ready to have that conversation with her, because after all I didn't know anything about that until I was in highschool, but I bit the bullet and told her some people are attracted to their own sex. She didn't ask any mechanical questions and I must admit I was relieved.

 

My kids started masturbating when they were young. I never made a big deal about it. I just told them that I know it makes them feel good but they need to do it in when they are alone.

 

Best wishes to you and remember you are not alone, we are all in the same struggle!      

 

 
June 1, 2008, 9:21 am CDT

Self Esteem..................

Quote From: txgirl39

Can't I just live in that happy world? LOL

 

I agree with what you are saying, but abstinence should be part of the sex education. We can't assume just because they aren't going to listen and do what they want anyway we can't try!!! Maybe just maybe, we will have that one kid that does value our opinion.

 

I just wanted to add I was a very promiscuous teen. Not something I'm proud of. Although through the grace of God I never got pregnant or contacted an STD, the emotional damage haunted me for years. I was sexually abused as a child and my self-esteem was very bad, but every time I let  guy use me it went from bad to worse.

 

   

I'm assuming from your tone that you have reclaimed your self esteem. I certainly hope so. Just because you may have been promiscuous as a teen certainly doesn't mean that you were a bad person. I'm sure that you know that, it's just a shame that girls don't realize it when they are younger. From what I have seen in friends that I had in different phases of my teen years, so many of them were promiscuous for 1 of 2 reasons. (1) They didn't have a father figure in their life and (2) They had low self esteem and thought that giving the boys what they wanted would make the boy like them. Unfortunately of course it works the other way and the girl usually earns a bad rep for it and the boy will have nothing to do with her. It is all just so sad. The one and only time in one's life that they should be carefree is so full of heartbreak and instead having to deal with adult problems way too young. One of my best friends had lost her dad suddenly just as I had but turned to boys to fill that void. When she was 18 she had made a list of the boys and men that she had slept with and it came to over 120. Some of them she couldn't remember names, she just wrote down distinguishing marks such as hair color, job, shirt , party, etc. I kind of knew that she got around but was rather in shock when she showed me her list. I never judged her for it though. I knew she was searching for something and I felt sorry for her and supported her instead. I'm not even going to get into how I feel about sexual abuse on a child, it enrages and sickens me. I can't for the life of me understand why anybody on this Earth would or could do that to a child. I'm very sorry that you had to go through such a horrible ordeal. I myself was raped at the age of 15 and was a virgin at the time. It dealt a blow to my own self esteem and I was unable to ever tell anybody about it until I was in my early 30's. Take care, and I also hope that at least one child will value an adults opinion.
 
June 1, 2008, 9:48 am CDT

I believe in teaching both...........

Quote From: txgirl39

I'm also a mother of a 13 year old girl and an 11 year old boy, and the thought of either one of them engaging in sex before they are emotionally ready scares the tar out of me.

 

I am very open with my kids and I answer any questions they ask, I rather the information come from me than off the streets. I always want them to feel comfortable coming to me. We are very involved with the church and we do discuss the importance of waiting for marriage. However, I can't control other influences in their life. It is so hard because you want your children to have the information to keep them safe but at the same time you don't want to feel like you are giving them permission to do something that can destroy them emotionally.

 

Whoever said it was easy being a parent? The truth is we can raise our kids the best to our ability and they still may decide to make a bad choice. I do think it is important to teach abstinence. I know a lot of people think that is being unrealistic but not all teenagers are engaging in sex. I have known several who have waited until marriage. I just pray mine will make the same decision, but if they don't I will still be here to love and support them.   

Of course every parent needs to talk about the importance of abstinence and suggest that it is the right thing to do but it is not always realistic that it is going to be the path that they choose. I think children need to learn both, abstinence and how to make the right choices. How to obtain birth control, preferably by speaking to the parent first and seeing a Gyno, but of course that is unlikely, they need to be fully informed about STD's and the fact that some of them will stay with you forever, some can cause infertility & even death. I would also want to make sure my daughter got the vaccine for the strain of HPV that can cause cervical cancer. In todays society young women are getting married at a much older age than they used to. You normally wouldn't see a 30 year old virgin walking down the aisle but I applaud the women who are. But it isn't the 30 year olds that we have to worry about. Children are unable to make mature judgments and need the guidance of a parent to help navigate the minefield of sex today. So, again, I believe in teaching both. Why can't that be the right choice when it comes time for the talk? All I know is that I'm glad  I do not have any teenagers and I feel for the parents who do. Being a parent is the trickiest most difficult job anyone can ever have and sometimes it's also the most thankless. Good luck to all of you who still have this to face in your future. 
 
June 1, 2008, 9:52 am CDT

I have a question?

I have seen a term mentioned on this board several times that I do not have any idea what it means. What is secondary sex? I would appreciate any help with this since I have sisters with pre-teen children. If I don't know that term I'm sure they don't either.
 
June 1, 2008, 2:04 pm CDT

05/29 The Sex Talk

Quote From: philshowlogon

I know Im going to get hammered with this post, but its something to think about. We want teens not to have sex, but statistics show theyre going to do it anyway. So why not educate them early in schools on responsibilities, STDs and birth control like the countries is this post that have low pregnancy rates. We try to protect our kids and want a certain lifestyle for them, but when the hormones kick in, theyre going to make their own choices. I would feel better knowing my daughter goes into this stage well educated rather than trial and error. We know how that works.

In Western Europe

Tuesday, May 16, 2006; Page HE01

Pierre-Andre Michaud, chief of the Multidisciplinary Unit for Adolescent Health at the University of Lausanne Hospital in Switzerland and a leading researcher in European teen sexuality, dismisses the idea--widely held in the United States--that sex constitutes risky behavior for teens. He wrote: "In many European countries -- Switzerland in particular -- sexual intercourse, at least from the age of 15 or 16 years, is considered acceptable and even part of normative adolescent behavior." Switzerland, he noted, has one of the world's lowest rates of abortion and teen pregnancy. Teens there, like those in Sweden and the Netherlands, have easy access to contraceptives, confidential health care and comprehensive sex education. Societal acceptance of sexual activity among young people, combined with comprehensive and balanced information about sexuality and clear expectations about commitment and prevention childbearing and STDs within teenage relationships, are hallmarks of countries with low levels of adolescent pregnancy, childbearing and STDs. Swedish society teaches that sex should occur in a committed relationship "and also that teenagers should use contraceptives, be informed and take responsibility. In Sweden, compulsory sex education starts when children are 10 to 12. Without parental consent, teens can get free medical care, free condoms, prescriptions for inexpensive oral contraceptives and general advice at youth clinics. Straightforward messages on how to prevent STDs and teen pregnancy help offset the impact on teens of sexually explicit ads, movies and other mass media -- as ubiquitous in Western Europe as in the United States. Western Europe also attaches more social stigma to teen pregnancy and teen motherhood than do some American sub-cultures. The focus [in Western Europe is much more on preventing pregnancy and less on sex itself.

Although some experts argue that economic, educational and racial diversity in the U.S. distort national figures and invalidate comparisons with more homogenous Western European countries. Swiss teens who have dropped out of high school, used drugs or lived in disadvantaged areas of the country, tend to use contraception regardless of economic status.

Abstinence is not something the Swiss press on teens. "We think it's unfair. It's useless. It's inefficient. We have been advocating the use of the condom . . . and I think that we tend to be successful

 

 I totally agree that kids need to learn sex ed! But that being said it should start at home and should not be the schools responsibility!

 

 i don't know where you live but here in the small Ohio community where i live, teens without parents consent can get birth control!

 

 i was able to when i was a teen and that was 15 years ago! it doesn't seem to matter around here i heard a statistic that our local high school has 45 pregnant FRESHMEN! That number is HUGE in my small town!

 

I just don't think that the school should be allowed to give my child condoms but  he is not allowed to take Tylenol on school grounds with out a Dr note!

 

 

 I do think that kids for sure should have access to birth control but not at school! we have places that help with cost and give away condoms already!

 In my area it is called Planned Parenthood- look it up could be near you as well!

 

 In fact my own sister was a teen mom that has over come all kinds of odds against her and she is a spoke person for them!

 

 
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