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Topic : 05/29 The Sex Talk

Number of Replies: 101
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Created on : Friday, May 23, 2008, 07:50:23 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil delves into a topic so terrifying, so uncomfortable and daunting that some parents absolutely refuse to do it … It’s the sex talk! With the help of Dr. John Chirban and his book, What’s Love Got to Do with It: Talking with Your Kids about Sex, Dr. Phil takes on some petrified parents who are long overdue for this discussion. Jackie is a mother of two daughters, 11 and 13. She’s so terrified to have the talk, she’s never even brought up the topic! Just the thought of the S word sends Jackie into a tailspin. Dr. Chirban coaches Jackie through what she calls the most difficult conversation in her life. How do Jackie’s daughters think she did? Then, Pam is a mother who thought she had everything right when it came to talking to her 14-year-old daughter, Ashley, about sex. So why does she now think her daughter might be pregnant? Pam and Ashley visited the doctor and are ready to hear the results of the pregnancy test. Plus, meet a mother and father who are terrified that their 10-year-old son will be scarred for life from what he recently saw on the Internet. Then, Dr. Chirban sits down with a group of kids to find out what they know about sex, while the parents secretly watch. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.



How do you talk to your teens about sex? Share your story.

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June 1, 2008, 2:31 pm CDT

Thank you so much!

Quote From: txgirl39

I think it is great you are building a close relationship with your child.

 

I taught first and second grade and I can tell you many of them had knowledge about sex. I was shocked when I first started teaching, but the truth is many of them have older siblings or hang out with older neighbor kids. And lets face it sex is everywhere in our society. Some of my students would tell me they are allowed to watch rated R movies.

 

What I'm trying to get at is your child is going to hear stuff from their classmates. For me this always opened the dialogue for me and my children. I remember once my daughter came home and asked me if a girl can have sex with another girl, because someone in her class had told her about gay people. I wasn't quite ready to have that conversation with her, because after all I didn't know anything about that until I was in highschool, but I bit the bullet and told her some people are attracted to their own sex. She didn't ask any mechanical questions and I must admit I was relieved.

 

My kids started masturbating when they were young. I never made a big deal about it. I just told them that I know it makes them feel good but they need to do it in when they are alone.

 

Best wishes to you and remember you are not alone, we are all in the same struggle!      

 

It's a good feeling to know that we are not alone and i thank you very much for taking time to ensure me. I know i do everything possible to raise my kids in a healthy way but... I think that this ''neverending parental worriing''  does comes with us delivering those precious children into this wonderful world. I'm a very calm person and i don't usually panic about little things. Well, i'm not doing so now, (:p) but i just thought that she does masturbate a lot. I mean very often, like it can goes to 5 or 6 times a day (that is just what i witnessed). She knows that it is a private thing. The point is 1: she hurt herself sometimes. When there's a rainy day and at home, she can do it all day long (with some breaks lol) and when comes bathtime, her private parts (how she likes to say) are so red and little rashed, that she cries. I tell her that it's ok doing what makes you feel good but don't hurt yourself. Now, when i see her too often in the same day doing so, i tell her: be careful baby, don't hurt yourself, you have the rignt to do it for the last time today. Then first thing i know, an hour later, she's hiding somewhere doing it again.. 2: with all she knows about biology, and the way i explain to her seems to be very natural (for her) that she is comfortable to talk about those things with her friends (whose parents are not also open-minded) and i don't want her to lose her friends for something like that. I do know in my heart that i'm doing the rignt thing but i don't want her to pay the price because i swim against - courrant. Anyway, i know i'm questionning myself a lot for something i should not but..... I guess i love my kids too much and it's making me going crazy sometimes!  HA! HA! HA!  I read myself and i think, how pathetic i am. LOL LOL LOL!  The good thing is THAT, I GET IT!  :D  Thank you so much again madame and thank you for reading me... I appreciate a lot and wish you the best in your life as well....
 
June 1, 2008, 3:37 pm CDT

An Answer.... Maybe

Quote From: jewelsf

I have seen a term mentioned on this board several times that I do not have any idea what it means. What is secondary sex? I would appreciate any help with this since I have sisters with pre-teen children. If I don't know that term I'm sure they don't either.

Do you mean secondary virgin? If so, it means when person chooses abstinence and/or waiting until marriage after losing their viginity. Many young people, especially females think that once they have had sex they are no longer 'worthy' and have no rights to choose abstinence. Many times secondary virginity will be a choice for someone who has sex, realizes that they are not ready emotionally for it or that it is not all that they thought it would be or have been 'used' .

 

Anyway, that's my understanding of its' meaning. If you did mean 'secondary sex', I have no idea what that is, maybe sex that lasts for seconds.... just joking lol

 
June 1, 2008, 4:33 pm CDT

Secondary sex

Quote From: jewelsf

I have seen a term mentioned on this board several times that I do not have any idea what it means. What is secondary sex? I would appreciate any help with this since I have sisters with pre-teen children. If I don't know that term I'm sure they don't either.

Secondary sex characteristics are traits that distinguish the two Sex of a species, but that are not directly part of the Reproductive system. They are believed to be the product of Sexual selection for traits which give an individual an advantage over its rivals in Courtship, and Aggression interactions. They are distinguished from the Primary sexual characteristics: the Sex organ

In humans, secondary sex characteristics include:

· Male

· growth of Body hair, including Underarm hair, Abdominal hair, Chest hair, and Pubic hair.Growth of Facial hair

· enlargement of larynx and deepening of Human voice

· increased Human height; adult males taller than adult females, on average

· heavier Skull and Bone structure. Increased Muscle mass and strength

· broadening of Shoulders and chest; shoulders wider than hips

· increased secretions of oil and sweat glands, often causing acne and body odor

· coarsening of skin texture, a prominent Adam’s apple

· Fat deposits mainly around the Human abdomen and Waist

· higher Waist-hip ratio than prepubescent or adult females or prepubescent males, on average

· on average, larger hands and feet than prepubescent or adult females or prepubescent males, lower Digit ratio, on average

· Female

· enlargement of Breasts

· growth of Body hair, including Underarm hair and Pubic hair

· Vagina and Uterus growth

· decreased stature; adult females shorter Human height than adult males, on average

· widening of hips, lower Waist-hip ratio than adult males, on average

· increased secretions of oil and sweat glands, often causing acne and body odor

· changed distribution in weight and fat; more Subcutaneous fat and Fat deposits mainly around the Buttocks, Thigh" and Hip

· higher Digit ratio, on average

 

Hope this helps.

 
June 1, 2008, 4:36 pm CDT

Supplies in schools

Quote From: radford1977

 

 I totally agree that kids need to learn sex ed! But that being said it should start at home and should not be the schools responsibility!

 

 i don't know where you live but here in the small Ohio community where i live, teens without parents consent can get birth control!

 

 i was able to when i was a teen and that was 15 years ago! it doesn't seem to matter around here i heard a statistic that our local high school has 45 pregnant FRESHMEN! That number is HUGE in my small town!

 

I just don't think that the school should be allowed to give my child condoms but  he is not allowed to take Tylenol on school grounds with out a Dr note!

 

 

 I do think that kids for sure should have access to birth control but not at school! we have places that help with cost and give away condoms already!

 In my area it is called Planned Parenthood- look it up could be near you as well!

 

 In fact my own sister was a teen mom that has over come all kinds of odds against her and she is a spoke person for them!

 

I agree with you that these items shouldn’t be available in school and this article never mentions that they’re available in schools in Europe. It just states that sex education in their schools start at age 10-12 and that the other things are available in clinics. I think some parents are afraid to talk to their kids on this subject for fear of legal consequences. Sometimes the government gets too involved in parenting dos and don’ts. This is one subject that parents should freely be able to talk to their kids about but because some won’t, it would then need to be started in schools. Either way, kids need to be fully educated on this subject.

 
June 1, 2008, 7:25 pm CDT

Thanks Feisty!

Quote From: feistyd

Do you mean secondary virgin? If so, it means when person chooses abstinence and/or waiting until marriage after losing their viginity. Many young people, especially females think that once they have had sex they are no longer 'worthy' and have no rights to choose abstinence. Many times secondary virginity will be a choice for someone who has sex, realizes that they are not ready emotionally for it or that it is not all that they thought it would be or have been 'used' .

 

Anyway, that's my understanding of its' meaning. If you did mean 'secondary sex', I have no idea what that is, maybe sex that lasts for seconds.... just joking lol

Yes, I guess that is what I was asking about. I had never heard of the term before. It's a shame that anyone should feel unworthy because they have had sex. People make mistakes all of the time but that doesn't mean that they should be thought any less of. As a matter of fact I would say that a person can choose abstinence at any stage in their life, it's your own body and your own mind. I just hope that the young women of today will get the message that it is better to wait, whether married or not until you are old enough to realize the ramifications of your actions. It may not be realistic but it never hurts to hope.

 

P.S. No, I wouldn't enjoy secondary sex in the other manner that you referred to! LOL!!!!!!!!!!

 
June 1, 2008, 10:28 pm CDT

05/29 The Sex Talk

Quote From: jewelsf

Yes, I guess that is what I was asking about. I had never heard of the term before. It's a shame that anyone should feel unworthy because they have had sex. People make mistakes all of the time but that doesn't mean that they should be thought any less of. As a matter of fact I would say that a person can choose abstinence at any stage in their life, it's your own body and your own mind. I just hope that the young women of today will get the message that it is better to wait, whether married or not until you are old enough to realize the ramifications of your actions. It may not be realistic but it never hurts to hope.

 

P.S. No, I wouldn't enjoy secondary sex in the other manner that you referred to! LOL!!!!!!!!!!

I must confess, I did raise my son with the ideal of waiting until marriage. But, I also talked to him about his responsibilities and possible consequences if he didn't (no scare tactics... just the truth). People said I was crazy... teens will not wait, I was stupid to think he would choose abstinence at all etc etc. When I state that he is currently abstinent they look at me like I am naive, how could I believe that!! Only a fool would believe their teen is not having sex.

 

I choose to believe him. I choose to look at his past behaviour and history of not lying (even when it would have been easier). I choose to believe that he will know when he is ready. I choose to believe that if he thought he was 'man enough' to have sex then he was 'man enough' to be honest. I choose to believe that he knows that there are a multitude of things that are important in a loving relationship... and that sex is just one part. I choose to believe that he knows that a woman has a lot more to offer than her body.

 

I may never know if I chose wrong, but I know he hasn't given me reason not to trust and believe him. I think it would be wrong to say to him... 'I know I said I trusted you and that trust is something that you build with your parents over the years, but when it comes to sex- I choose not to believe you'.

 

 
June 2, 2008, 6:27 am CDT

Sex ed in the movies....

 

One of my favorite lines from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". comes from the guy on his honeymoon who's learning about sex, says "If God was a city planner, why would He put a sewer next to a playground?". 

 
June 2, 2008, 9:45 am CDT

05/29 The Sex Talk

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

One of my favorite lines from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". comes from the guy on his honeymoon who's learning about sex, says "If God was a city planner, why would He put a sewer next to a playground?". 

THANK YOU! LOL That is awesome! I have wondered THAT myself for a long time!
 
June 2, 2008, 9:50 am CDT

self-esteem

Quote From: jewelsf

I'm assuming from your tone that you have reclaimed your self esteem. I certainly hope so. Just because you may have been promiscuous as a teen certainly doesn't mean that you were a bad person. I'm sure that you know that, it's just a shame that girls don't realize it when they are younger. From what I have seen in friends that I had in different phases of my teen years, so many of them were promiscuous for 1 of 2 reasons. (1) They didn't have a father figure in their life and (2) They had low self esteem and thought that giving the boys what they wanted would make the boy like them. Unfortunately of course it works the other way and the girl usually earns a bad rep for it and the boy will have nothing to do with her. It is all just so sad. The one and only time in one's life that they should be carefree is so full of heartbreak and instead having to deal with adult problems way too young. One of my best friends had lost her dad suddenly just as I had but turned to boys to fill that void. When she was 18 she had made a list of the boys and men that she had slept with and it came to over 120. Some of them she couldn't remember names, she just wrote down distinguishing marks such as hair color, job, shirt , party, etc. I kind of knew that she got around but was rather in shock when she showed me her list. I never judged her for it though. I knew she was searching for something and I felt sorry for her and supported her instead. I'm not even going to get into how I feel about sexual abuse on a child, it enrages and sickens me. I can't for the life of me understand why anybody on this Earth would or could do that to a child. I'm very sorry that you had to go through such a horrible ordeal. I myself was raped at the age of 15 and was a virgin at the time. It dealt a blow to my own self esteem and I was unable to ever tell anybody about it until I was in my early 30's. Take care, and I also hope that at least one child will value an adults opinion.

Thank you so much for your response.

 

Yes I did get my self-esteem back. Lucky for me I met my husband when I was 19. He by the way was a virgin. He was raised in a very loving Christian home. I started to attend church services with him and that is when my life changed. I'm not going to go into great detail because I know that turns some people off but lets just say the love of Christ has filled the void I felt in my life.

 

I totally agree about the father figure. I had a father but I never felt loved by him, now looking back I know he did and does, but that wasn't what I felt at the time. I I tell my husband that it is so important for him to have a very close relationship to our daughter. Show her how much you love her, spend time with just her. They are so close and it makes me realize how much I wish I had had that same relationship with my own father. It would of made such a difference in my life! 

 
June 2, 2008, 10:26 am CDT

Teaching both

Quote From: jewelsf

Of course every parent needs to talk about the importance of abstinence and suggest that it is the right thing to do but it is not always realistic that it is going to be the path that they choose. I think children need to learn both, abstinence and how to make the right choices. How to obtain birth control, preferably by speaking to the parent first and seeing a Gyno, but of course that is unlikely, they need to be fully informed about STD's and the fact that some of them will stay with you forever, some can cause infertility & even death. I would also want to make sure my daughter got the vaccine for the strain of HPV that can cause cervical cancer. In todays society young women are getting married at a much older age than they used to. You normally wouldn't see a 30 year old virgin walking down the aisle but I applaud the women who are. But it isn't the 30 year olds that we have to worry about. Children are unable to make mature judgments and need the guidance of a parent to help navigate the minefield of sex today. So, again, I believe in teaching both. Why can't that be the right choice when it comes time for the talk? All I know is that I'm glad  I do not have any teenagers and I feel for the parents who do. Being a parent is the trickiest most difficult job anyone can ever have and sometimes it's also the most thankless. Good luck to all of you who still have this to face in your future. 

I believe in teaching both also. My 13 year old has gotten the HPV shot. I wouldn't dream of not giving it to her. I don't want my teenager to consume alcohol neither, but if they had a vaccine against alcoholism I get her that shot too.

 

We all want to protect our children, but the fact is they probably will make some dumb mistakes. Haven't we all? Why make them pay for it the rest of their lives if we can prevent it?

 

I agree with telling kids about STDs and unwanted pregnancies, but we also need to inform kids of the emotional implications as well.  

 
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