Topic : 05/29 The Sex Talk

I didn't see the entire show, so maybe I missed an explanation, but what I don't understand is why the girl and her mother had to wait until the next day for the results of the pregnancy test to be announced on the show. Drugstore kits work just fine, don't they?  Was it just for "good television"?

Well I think that you may be generalizing.  You are also attaching a stigma to young parents.  I was a young mom at 16.  I dropped out of high school with a grade 9 education.  I hid myself away from the world.  I was ashamed of being pregnant and I felt like I had let down my parents.  My dad whom had never really been involved in my life decided that he was going to disown me and my step father convinced my mother that I needed to move out with my 21 year old boyfriend.  My situation is one that may be different then one that the general public may perceive.  My step father was very abusive; mentally, physically, and emotionally.  he came into my life when I was seven and from the beginning he was jealous of my mothers relationship with me.  He beat me very bad on  several occasions.  I lost my virginity during March break of my gr.9 year.  I had been with my boyfriend from September of that year ans spent every opportunity possible with him.  We mainly went for walks, held each others hand, cuddled watching movies, and kissed.  Eventually I felt as though I was ready and asked him if he was comfortable with it.  He was reluctant and he was 2 years older then me.  After being together for 2 years he eventually started to loose interest in me.  My step dad kicked me out; and my mother being so dependent on my step dad choose him over me.  To this day I still have some hard feelings about that but I've dealt with it for the most part.  My mother never knew about the abuse because she was never there when it occurred.  My step father would always convince me that whatever I had done was so wrong that if I told my mother what happened she would be equally as angry.  My young life was very confusing and there is far too much to write to give you the full picture.  Anyway by the time I was kicked out I had no where to go and I met Jeremy....a friend of my ex-boyfriends.  He had a home and had just received some money after his grandmother died.  he spent the whole summer with me in a tent in the bush behind his dads house in a small lakshore country community called 'Joyland Beach'.  He looked young and I thought he was only 18  or 19.  It never really occurred to me to ask how old he was.  I soon discovered after living in a tent that he was 21 turning 22.  He was very immature for his age....he could have fooled me.  Either way I had feelings for him and he stayed with me knowing that I was alone and that I had not a soul in the world.  He had a home....he could have gone back at any time.  By the time late august rolled around I discovered I was pregnant.  When I told Jeremy he smiled and told me everything was going to be okay.  The first day we found out all we did was smile at each other.  We were both happy and we both had no idea exactly what having a bay meant.  I phoned my mother and she convinced my step dad to let me move back home.  Jeremy wasn't aloud to come and that was hard for me but understandable.  Within 7 days he went to his reserve and  got a job.  Immediately my step dad began talking about how I made a new life with someone else and I didn't belong at home.  i was so young and I remember being very scared.  I knew I cared for Jeremy but I wasn't ready to leave me mom.  I had already had her controlled and taken away from me while I was living there and I was horrified of the idea that I wouldn't see much of her at all (which is exactly what happened) - Jeremy and I moved in together and we moved allot.  He walked from in town 25 Kim's to his work everyday where he worked as a maintenance worker for the reserve.  Cutting grass, weed whacking, and snow shoveling and plowing in the winter.  His income was only 1200.00 a month.  We struggled to pay rent.  We didn't even have a t.v. for the first year.  All I left home with was a mattress, some canned food, my clothes, some pictures and curtains my mother gave me and some pots and pans and a few dishes.  Life was rough.  We couldn't afford to do our laundry at the laundry mat so I washed all our clothe by hand in the bath tub and kitchen sink for 3 years.  My hands would blister and bleed from the towels ripping up my hands.  I suffered from Post partum Depression and it went untreated.  I didn't give my firstborn the initial head start that she deserved but my partner Jeremy made up for what I lacked.  I was hard for me to get that connection with her I was so lost in my depression.  I wasn't a good mom to her.  It took 5 years for me to bond with her and get a great connection.  I love her so much.  Sometimes I cry when I think about how impatient I was.  I'd also like to say that I don't believe that age has much to with patience. There are plenty of 30 + year olds that I know that have far less patience for their children then I do today.  I have greatly improved in these past 7 years.  I have also grown in more ways then I could have ever imagined.  By the time I was 19 I had my second child.  I felt happy.  She was born on Nov 11th of 04.  She was my gift.  She was so brilliant. She was a very happy baby.  Research shows that chemical unbalances such as depression can have an affect on the unborn child.  My first daughter was a very hard baby to take care of.  I was very put at ease with my second.  I was discouraged about my education at this point but I always knew I would get a post secondary education. Finally When My youngest daughter was two I went to school for an Addictions and community service worker and achieved  a diploma at CDI College.  It's a private college and it cost me over 11,000 in tuition over 11 months and in total 21,000 in OSAP.  Since then I realized that counselling is not for me.  I'd like to be there to help others but I cant tolerate hearing the horror stories of young children as it brings much pain back into my heart.  So, i moved on to Georgian College; opposite of CDI it is a public college.  I am 23 years old.  I have more then what some people have in their 40's.  My other half; Jeremy now makes 40,000 a year and we have more then we could ever ask for.  I am continuing on in my education for ECE and then a BA.  My goal is to work for the Simcoe County School Board as a Level 2 EA who specializes in developmentally delayed children.  I don't recommend that teenagers go and get pregnant as I myself know exactly how difficult it is.  It is more difficult then you'll ever know.  There are many factors that the general society just don't seem to understand.  A huge issue is dealing with the stigma attached to young mom and families trying to do right.  I made it when everyone thought I would plummet and fail.  I am currently pregnant with my third and this child will not be slowing me down.  I'll do what ever I have to do to make it work and I will continue to sacrifice for my children.  Yes, some teenagers go on welfare and choose not to work and live a rough life.....which those children who grow up in impoverished families are also statistically exposed to higher levels of violence, drugs, and psychological/emotional abuse.  There are many people where I come from that are on Welfare...that are in their 30's, 40's and so on who also have children, just because you are young does not necessarily mean that you are going to fail and abuse your kids.  My children certainly are not abused, they are certainly not unloving....they are probably some the most affectionate tiny human beings I've ever met.  Oh yeah - children aren't bad, their parents are the ones who help shape and develop their tiny minds....you can change your child by the way you act.  One more thing......Children are NEVER bad they just make bad choices.........There is no such thing as a bad child.  Some parents may be offended by that statement but I see the effects of not bonding properly with my daughter at any earlier age pop up on occasion....she has lower self assurance, she doubts herself sometimes when she shouldn't.....shes a bright girl.  I tell her she beautiful and smart every day. 

IT IS ALWAYS UP TO THE WOMAN/GIRL IF SHE WANTS TO KEEP HER BABY....IT WOULD BE CRUEL TO STRIP A CHILD AWAY FROM A MOTHER AND MAKE HER LOSE A PART OF HERSELF SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE IS YOUNG>  WHO ARE WE TO SAY WHETHER OR NOT SHE CAN DO A GOOD JOB UNTIL WE HAVE SEEN HER IN ACTION>  I CAN TELL YOU MY FATHER TOLD ME TO GET AN ABORTION OR GIVE THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION OR HE WOULDN'T SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN>>>>>>YOU CAN BET ON MY LIFE THAT I TOLD HIM TO GO *&%*& HIMSELF.  He also told me that he would be calling children's aid on me as soon as the baby was born just because I was a Young mom.  You can imagine the type of relationship I have with my father.  (Its not good....not even close) His words were damaging and when I needed a helping hand and support the most I was abandoned and kicked to the curb.  i did it all without anybody but the father of my children at my side. 

I am 17 and I think it isCrazy for parents to not talk to there kids about sex. Neither of my parents have talked to me about sex! The only thing my parents ever told me was when i was 4 and asked where baby's come from they told me Ohio! I would just like to say that any parents that read this, if you have not talked to your kids, please talk and please listen to them. My parents not being willing to talk about anything and pretending like it is not real just becuase it can be weird or diffcult has really driven a wedge between us. I don't want to see that happend to anyone else. I think shows that help parents talk to there kids about anything and more importantly listen to there kids is great, I don't think some parents realize how not talking to there kids can really hurt them.

AML

Laur

Why doesn't any professional recommend, or at least mention, ABSTINENCE?  I've never heard Dr Phil or Dr Masterson mention it.  Dr Phil, if you've *ever* promoted abstinence, that was the one day I didn't watch your show, and I'm sorry.  You have the attention of the world, and could easily influence millions to step back from the brink of having sex in the wrong times, conditions, places and people.  Truly, why don't you occasionally suggest it? And why do you not talk about "secondary virginity"?  Millions of teens would be so relieved if they knew they could say "no" late, rather than never.  Why not do a show of a panel of teenagers who are virgins?  There are millions of them out there, and they are almost voiceless.  You have rewarded young people for various things in the past (academics or hard work comes to mind). Virgin teens deserve to be rewarded and encouraged and held up as a good example.  And, Dr Phil, why not use your healthy ego to boldly say there's nothing wrong with being a virgin at 40, when Hollywood jeers and mocks it?  How about a show that tastefully treats the topic of lewd clothing?  Teach parents to forbid their kids from wearing clothes once best suited for prostitution and pornography!  Singles and parents wonder why the rape rate is so high, yet they, and/or their daughters, dress in clothes that would make Marilyn Monroe blush.  Every night of the week parents allow their kids to go to movies and watch TV shows that push sex, and make fun of those who don't.  Talking about sex with kids is very critical and should be done early and often, as today's show made clear.  But please, emphasize the fact that they will never have to worry about STDs, including AIDS, and they'll never have to worry about kid/teen pregnancy, and they probably won't have to worry about future sex problems as adults, if they simply apply the "A" word.  One problem about that: abstinence on a small scale is not cool, and some kids might lose friends over it.  Abstinence on a large scale is not cool either, and the show might lose some viewers.

but the fact is that depending on how that boy was raised depends on his role in it.  He doesnt have to have any part of it.  As I posted earlier  my 16 yr old sister just had a baby.  When she told the father, at first he was really supportive.  That was the first night.  After that she didnt hear from him for 5 months.  When he saw her in the school hallway he would turn the other way.   He has now enlisted in the marines to get away.  Since she was born 2 months ago he has seen her a couple of times and only cuz his mom has made him. ( His mother has been great. She's there loving on her grand daughter almost everynight)

The boys are not the ones that have to go thru all the changes, they are not the ones that have to listen to the snickers as they walk by, they are not the ones that have to raise it. 

So although we KNOW what the role of the father should be, there is no way to make them actively have a role in that childs life.  

What a lovely world it would be if abstinence worked! Unfortunately, it doesn't, so you have to deal with reality.  You can give a kid 60 million reasons why not having sex is the way to go, but as soon as those hormones start raging, combined with the undeveloped brains of teens, (I'm not being funny here...it's a proven scientific fact) and mixed with misinformation, scare tactics and no information at all....stir in a ridiculous dose of too MUCH information, such as TV, movies, Internet, magazines...etc. with which our kids are being bombarded....and the chances of a teen "just saying no" are pretty slim!

Sure, there are teens who manage to stay virgins, or choose "secondary virginity".....and God bless them!! But they are in the minority. Teen pregnancy is on the rise, as are STDs.

It was a good show.  I had to laugh at the kids since it reminded me of when I was pregnant with my daughter and my 3 year old niece asked "Aunt Shari, why did you eat that baby?"  I said "I didn't eat the baby"  She asked "well how did it get in your tummy?"  I smiled over at my husband and said "Uncle Kevin put it there, ask him!"  He looked like a deer caught in the headlights.  It was priceless.

I didn't have a lot of trouble talking to my kids.  When my oldest heard some not so nice words for women parts, I explained to him what we call it and why those words are degrading to women.  When he turned 11 and asked his dad and his dad didn't know how to talk to him, I explained how important love is with sex and that you respect women.  With my daughter I explained how she has the right to say no, and how important it is out of respect for herself to take it seriously and save it for someone worth her love.  (I also said that to my oldest).  My youngest surprised me when I found condoms in his laundry at the age 13.  I didn't think to have that deep of talk with him that early, the others didn't show any interest in it at that age.  I told him that while I am glad he knows to use condoms there is so much more to sex then that.  I told him that besides the diseases he could get or pregnancy  which could change his life forever, the fact that not many 13 year olds in love will stay together forever and the break ups hurt as it is, but when sex is involved then it hurts all that much more.  I told him that sex isn't a game and that 13 year olds shouldn't be involved in that, even 16 year olds shouldn't be involved in having sex because the feelings it brings out and the pain it could cause one or both of them.  I told him it is something special for two people who want to commit to each other for the rest of their lives.

I remember the "talk" my mom had with me.  She said "don't sleep with someone who you don't want to wake up next to for the rest of your life"