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Topic : 07/07 Adult Sibling Rivalry

Number of Replies: 203
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 03, 2008, 12:59:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
As a kid, it's normal to fight with a sibling, but what if you grow up to find your brother or sister to be your most-hated enemy? Jodi says what started as an argument with her sister, Shannon, over a pair of pants when they were teens has turned into a spiteful, wicked war. Shannon admits she disowned Jodi, but Jodi has no idea why her sister hates her so much! Will these women decide to bury the hatchet now that their father is fighting for his life? And, twins Kim and Kristen's war of words that began as children has turned into an all-out battle, including an incident in which Kristen broke an umbrella over her sister! What's at the root of their bickering? Is it too late to rekindle their sisterly bond? Tell us what you think.

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July 6, 2008, 4:34 am CDT

Tareq Dababneh

Hi my name is Tareq Dababneh From Jordan ..
and I think this is totally stupid ,,,, of course there are some kind of gealous between the siblings and this is totally normal ...but it will end after they grow up
but when they grow up and they hated each other .. its a big problem and I think the best solution here is to let the siblings talk why they hate each other and that is very useful so they can solve this problem
 
July 6, 2008, 6:32 am CDT

Brother raped me as teen

 My brother raped me several times as a teen, i must have blocked this out and remembered it in 1998 after my mother died and I must have had some kind of nervous breakdown of sorts. (she died unexpectedly in her sleep)
I went to therapy, my marriage suffered and ended (i couldnt have sex wtih my husband because of flashbacks, he couldnt understand and would take it upon himself to take me as i slept-he didnt believe my brother could do anything like he did and still doenst believe me to this day and our marriage ended in 1998)
Anyhow through therapy I was able to write to my brother (he is 9 yrs older) and tell him i forgave him. Well, he denied everything of course and eventually his wife (who to this day doesnt know about this and he must have told her some kind of story about me being upset because I couldnt have the house my mother and father lived in for 40 yrs which is not the case) told me never to contact her family again.  I have not talked to my brother since 1999.  I have sent him a couple of birthday cards with no reply. I dont even know if he has gotten them. 
Everytime I want to talk to my sister about this (she is 14 yrs older then I am, I am the baby of the family-just me, my brother and sister-both parents are gone now .my dad in 91 and mom in 97) she just tells me that some things are just meant to be kept in the past and not talked about. 
This has broken up my little family. I just dont know what to do. I love my brother and I do forgive him.  Just want to see him and hug him one last time before he or I die.
Anyhow, that is my story. 
 
July 6, 2008, 7:56 am CDT

My ex sister spread lies about me

It's been almost 10 years since I spoke to my sister. She told a bunch of her friends that my son moved to his dads cuz we were abusing him. When you live in a town of less than 900 people, word gets around fast. The man that used to deliver schwanns to us told me that she told him. I got pregnant at age 16 and she pushed me down the stairs when I was 6 months along. Baby was ok. She has thrown hammers and scissors and knives at people. She has unhealthy habits like not bathing every day or washing clothes with a tiny bit of soap. All of my sisters and me were sexually abused by our dad, and they told me not to tell my Mom cuz it would hurt her too much. I held that inside for many years. When he molested my Baby girl, She stood up to him and told. My Mom divorced him and moved to another state.  I have to take 5 different meds to keep me sane.

 Anyway, we just saw my ex sister on July 4th and she ignored me but tried to fall all over my husband. I tried a few years ago to make amends and she snubbed me so I am done. She no longer exsists in my life. She finally has a boyfriend and they are perfect.

 
July 6, 2008, 11:28 am CDT

Same here

I hate my brother!  He is 51 years old and can't stand on his own two feet.  My mother said that he could come home to get on his feet in May 2008 then in June 2008 he starts drinking alcohol and starting trouble.  On afternoon after drinking three beers he starts his yelling at my mother screaming in her face pointing at her they were less than 9 inches away.  Then he goes after me calling me a fat bitch and a user telling me that he would hit me then he went after mom again.  I was so scared that I had the phone in my hand to call the police but my mother took it out of my hand saying that I shouldn't call the law on him that he will calm down.  Well he told mom that he was leaving and packed his things and left.  He went drinking and driving and my mother didn't care.  After that she said that he can't come back.  But it was a lie too because she let him back because he had no place to live.  So he is back for three days until my mother leaves for Georgia to take care of her granddaughter.  I told my mother that I didn't want my brother around while she was gone.  

 

She does everything for him.  He needs to call the VA clinic to change some appointments no he doesn't do it my mother does it.  He won't get a mailing address for his things to go to she says that his daughter will take care of that and that I should hold all the mail until she picks it up.  I told her that all she is doing is passing the buck to his daughter that he should take care of his mail and belongings but she doesn't see it that way.  He controls everything the way he wants it.

 

Here is how he got to this point!  He was a crack addict and still to this day won't admit to it.  He says that we are all wrong when we bring up his past drug addiction.  That it never happened.  He was going job to job and place to place.  He kept saying that the people aren't paying him.  He couldn't stay in one job or place for too long.  So when he lost his last job he asked his mother if he could come live at home.  And of course she said yes but only to two months because she was leaving.  I didn't get to tell him that I didn't want him here but it isn't my place to say anything to him because I don't own my own house I live in hers because they asked us in 1992 to come stay and take care of the house when they would go south for the winters until 2004 when my father passed away that is what we were doing.  Now we split everything down the middle so that she can stay here in this house. 

 

When my father passed away my brother blamed him for his drug use.  My brother blamed his ex-wife for his drug use, he blamed my sister and her husband for his drug use,  Instead of blaming himself for his drug use it was everyone around him. 

 

He is using alcohol to relax him so he says.  That is what triggered the last incident here at the house.  My mother doesn't see that she is enabling him that if she weren't here where would he go for someone to take care of him?  And she wants me to take care of him. 

 

My mother is causing alot of stress on me because she can't see how controlling her son is and that he is going to be the way he is because he wants it that way.  She even said to him that she would pay for his apartment first month's rent.  She has paid for my brother in the amount of $14,000.00 from 2001 to now.  She has keep him from going to jail for traffic violations, check forgery, and anything else that you can think of.  My mother is an enabler.  She can't let him go.  She thinks she can fix him. 

 

Just wish that she can see what she is doing!!  Thanks dr phil for letting me talk.  Barbetta

 
July 6, 2008, 12:00 pm CDT

I'm from one of those cultures...

Where the son can do no wrong.

 

Even when the parents claim they have left that behind, enough of that garbage has filtered down into their way of thinking even if they aren't aware of it.

 
July 6, 2008, 12:42 pm CDT

My sister

My sister is 3 1/2 half years younger then myself. Throughout our younger days, she was the "cute" one. The one most likely to succeed. The precious child. She graduated and moved on to take a succession of jobs, where, in time, she was able to make enough money to have a nice house, nice trappingings, nice vacations, a nice husband. I, on the other hand, was the "experiment" child. I quit school in my sophomore year. I married a man who was 7 years older when I was 19. He was abusive. I had four kids in the early years of our marriage. We lived hand to mouth. In the 23 years we were married, I went on ONE vacation.

 

My grandmother always told us girls, that when she died there would be enough money in her estate to put a nice down payment on a house.

For Gamma to tell me this was a huge thing. It showed to me that she loved me, and was concerned for my well being.

 

Gramma fell ill with in-operable lung cancer. A short time before her death, she changed her will to read that my Mother was to be executor to the estate and it was her (gramma) wish that Mom would share in the estate.

 

My Mom, for what ever reason, decided to keep the majority of the estate (she was an only child). She was going to cut me, my sister and my half brother a small portion of the estate. This was not good enough for my sister. She took steps to find out just how much money was in the estate, and called me to tell me. I told her I had already received my portion and I was happy. It was less then I expected, but it was badly needed as I had recently become divorced. Sis wanted to have me help her in a law suite against my Mother for her "fair share" of Gramma's estate.

I said "NO", I was not going to sue my Mom.

 

From that time, 10 years ago, I have not heard from my sister. She refused to come to my wedding to my new husband. She has always denied my children. She made snide remarks about having so many children, and not having the finer things in life.

In essence, she is just a money hungry, angry, spoiled bitch.

 

Truth be told. It's nice to finally be the golden haired child. I love my mother, my step dad, and my brother. They are my family.

Money is just that, money. Green paper that can ruin relationships. Once money is spent what do you have?

 

As for me, I know I'll have my family.

 

 
July 6, 2008, 2:48 pm CDT

Daughter Rival

My daughter has been rebelious since she was a little girl. She was always mouthy, and did what she wanted to do. I had her when I was young, I didn't have the patience for that kind of attitude. Yes, I use to argue back with her, now I know that it was a mistake to argue back. She's been in relationship different men, and couldn't get along with them, so she would end up coming back home to live with us. She's now in a relationship with a man that both my husband and I like, he treats her good and provides for her. My daughter argues with him, usually in front of her six year old daughter, she's is now thirty one years old. I on the other hand had two girls later in life, my girls don't understand why my oldest is always so angry. I try to brain storm about it, but that's just the way she is. She is always very negative, and say's alot of negative things to my two younger daughters. etc...The one is spoiled and lazy, and the other one is a cocky little thing...She even tries to get them to agree with her on certain issues. She tries to get them to turn against  my husband and I. She really shouldn't be talking to them at all, about anything negative, there young and able to understand where she's coming from. But, ya, she's very negative, and I don't know what to do about it. Any Idea's from anyone?
 
July 6, 2008, 5:48 pm CDT

Do what you know is right

Quote From: irish718

My daughter has been rebelious since she was a little girl. She was always mouthy, and did what she wanted to do. I had her when I was young, I didn't have the patience for that kind of attitude. Yes, I use to argue back with her, now I know that it was a mistake to argue back. She's been in relationship different men, and couldn't get along with them, so she would end up coming back home to live with us. She's now in a relationship with a man that both my husband and I like, he treats her good and provides for her. My daughter argues with him, usually in front of her six year old daughter, she's is now thirty one years old. I on the other hand had two girls later in life, my girls don't understand why my oldest is always so angry. I try to brain storm about it, but that's just the way she is. She is always very negative, and say's alot of negative things to my two younger daughters. etc...The one is spoiled and lazy, and the other one is a cocky little thing...She even tries to get them to agree with her on certain issues. She tries to get them to turn against  my husband and I. She really shouldn't be talking to them at all, about anything negative, there young and able to understand where she's coming from. But, ya, she's very negative, and I don't know what to do about it. Any Idea's from anyone?
I have only one sister and I would lay down my life for her.  She was and is the same way you describe your daughter.  I try to show her how better life could be if she could just take it easy but she is who she is.  She's not a bad person and she tries really hard to be a good mother to her two little girls, so I try to give her credit where credit is due.  If you tell your daughter that being pissed off all the time is wearing you down and she doesn't care or even try to change it I believe you need to tell her to get lost until she can behave like a grown adult.  My husband has two brothers and a sister and they are not a part of our lives because we do not want negativity around our children and let me tell you they are NEGATIVE and NASTY.  I a firm believer in Dr. Phil's advice of  "you teach people how to treat you".  You should talk to your daughter about how you have changed from that argumentive mother into a peaceful loving mother and just maybe you could change her life. 
 
July 6, 2008, 6:31 pm CDT

Love 'em While You Have 'em

It makes me feel very sad when I read about people fighting and scrapping with their siblings. My sister and I fought with each other throughout our childhoods. We were both trying to survive in an extremely abusive home, so there were many times when we each had to protect ourselves at the expense of the other, but it ruined our ability to relate to each other once we reached adulthood.

Now, however, my sister is dying of cancer. I don't know how long I will have with her, and my heart is broken that we weren't able to forge a bond before she got sick. We are certainly doing everything we can to make up for lost time in the time she has left, but I just wish we had been able to settle our differences earlier.

PLEASE, LET GO OF YOUR NEED TO BE RIGHT, AND FORGIVE YOUR SIBLINGS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, AND YOU DON'T HAVE THEM ANYMORE!!!

It will be the biggest regret of your life if you don't.
 
July 6, 2008, 11:36 pm CDT

family

I have a big family and some of us dont get a long and some do.What can i say thats family for ya.Love em anyways.Sister fighting it should not be because life is short so kiss and make up and let pass issuses go leave it in the pass.

 
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