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Topic : 07/07 Adult Sibling Rivalry

Number of Replies: 203
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 03, 2008, 12:59:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
As a kid, it's normal to fight with a sibling, but what if you grow up to find your brother or sister to be your most-hated enemy? Jodi says what started as an argument with her sister, Shannon, over a pair of pants when they were teens has turned into a spiteful, wicked war. Shannon admits she disowned Jodi, but Jodi has no idea why her sister hates her so much! Will these women decide to bury the hatchet now that their father is fighting for his life? And, twins Kim and Kristen's war of words that began as children has turned into an all-out battle, including an incident in which Kristen broke an umbrella over her sister! What's at the root of their bickering? Is it too late to rekindle their sisterly bond? Tell us what you think.

Find out what happened on the show.

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July 7, 2008, 9:11 am CDT

It's the parent's fault!

They created this mess with their obvious favoritism. To this day they're talking about the clothes the dark haired one stole (sorry I couldn't get the names straight) as though it was a joke. Sure it's a small thing and it's far in the past but until she admits it and apologizes in a serious manner it's going to remain a sore point. Not because the clothes matter but because the parents let her get away with [i]stealing[/i] and took her side. To this day the mother on the phone was saying, "Just a few clothes, hee hee." It's the principle of the thing. If one kid helps herself to the other kids stuff then she should be in trouble for it. Period.

As for driving 19 hours with grandchildren the parents hadn't seen for 3 years -- only to find they had gone to a game. That's inexcusable! The grandparents should have been home planning a big welcoming party for the ones they hadn't seen in threee years, not going to functions for the ones they see every day.

It was heart breaking to see that the parents still don't understand how badly they've hurt this woman by favoring the writer of those nasty e-mails.
 
July 7, 2008, 9:22 am CDT

07/07 Adult Sibling Rivalry

I understand how this happens.  My mother passed away 11/07 and my sister and brother have joined sides against me.  My mother put me in charge of her estate.  My siblings think I am stealing from them.  My brother called me very ugly namesthe day after my mothers funeral and told me to get my s@#* and get out..  So that is what I did and haven't spoken to him since.  My sister is always very angry with me when she does talk with me.  I am several yrs. younger than they.  They are all the family I have left.  It is very heart breaking.  I feel very fortunate that I have a loving husband.
 
July 7, 2008, 12:28 pm CDT

me too

 It's been about 6 years - almost from the time my mom died - that my sister and I have been on the outs. She has lied about me (as well as to me) and has done so in order to improve her relationship with our father (she is SO co-dependent) and put a rift in mine with him. She has always been spoiled and to this day gets everything she needs or wants (though we're both adults with families of our own) and I feel guilty even asking for anything from my father.

I didn't disown my sister - I just decided it's best she isn't part of my life. I've felt so free and so happy since that decision and I can't see myself ever trusting her.

Yes, parents create this - from day 1, my sister was treated like a fragile victim (and still plays the victim) and I've been independent. I'm proud that everything I have done has been on my own - I have self-respect and self-esteem and achievements beyond what my sister will ever achieve in her life.

Doesn't mean the hurt isn't there - parents should love their children equally. I love my children equally. I never felt - still don't - loved unconditionally or equally as compared to my 2 siblings.

I see the two girls on this show as me and my sister and while they seem to have petty issues between them, I know - from one who's lived through it - that it isn't about pettiness...it's a lifetime of feeling less than wanted, less than loved and less than important in one's own family.
 
July 7, 2008, 1:21 pm CDT

together, divided and apart

Our family was very wide spread.  All from the same mother and father but my oldest brother was 18 when I was born, my sister 16 and my other sister 6.  I think a lot of our problems are we are just three different generations.  My mother was living with us for over 10 years when she died and had only her social security check. I use to tell my sister's that at times, it was very difficult on a small salary.  That went in one ear and out  the other. When she passed away it got very ugly, very fast. They accused me of stealing all of my mother's things- not limited to a salt shaker from the 1950's....I WASN'T EVEN BORN UNTIL 1961!  They were rude to my pastor, tried to tell the funeral parlor not to take a check from me. It amazes me that I was capable of taking care of her but not capable of anything else in their eyes. The oldest sister wanted to call the shots. Her way or else. It got  to the point of "we -the sisters-want the kids and the husband out of the house when we go through mom's things". When I said no, the hired an attorney. Seriously?  It's is very sad. My mom has been gone for 5 years and no contact with them at all.  It is very difficult on my kids. I miss them but miss their kids and grandkids even more. I not only lost a mother but a whole side of the family. It's taken me many years to come to the terms of "I did my best. I loved my mom, I loved my siblings and if that is not good enough for them.....it has to be good enough for me". My next move is to rent a storage unit and offer to let them go through clothes and misc. items of my mother's before  I donate it all to charity. I had made arrangements shortly after she died to send the sister's her collection of something. One said thank you and the other said "you didn't send it fast enough".  Some people are just never going to be happy.  We have to find the happiness in ourselves, do what's right and move on. Hard as that is somethimes!!

 
July 7, 2008, 1:28 pm CDT

07/07 Adult Sibling Rivalry

Quote From: foxynurse

I understand how this happens.  My mother passed away 11/07 and my sister and brother have joined sides against me.  My mother put me in charge of her estate.  My siblings think I am stealing from them.  My brother called me very ugly namesthe day after my mothers funeral and told me to get my s@#* and get out..  So that is what I did and haven't spoken to him since.  My sister is always very angry with me when she does talk with me.  I am several yrs. younger than they.  They are all the family I have left.  It is very heart breaking.  I feel very fortunate that I have a loving husband.
It's very hard when there is an odd number of siblings. I too was the one in charge and got "ganged up on" so to speak. I would have done a lot of things differently if it would have been approached differently.  They could "ask"me things and not "tell" me how things should go. Isn't it funny how no matter how old we are or how old we get.....we will always be the "babies' of the family? I'm glad you have a loving husband. Say your prayers for them.....sounds like they need it!
 
July 7, 2008, 1:32 pm CDT

how about invisible sheep

Well my life with my parents was awful.  I was shunned for becoming a teenager  and  not being want my family wanted me to be.  My mother kicked me out of the house at 14 years old.  I had to do terrible things to get money enough to pay my rent and bills.  Then after I grew up and got married my husband got into some trouble that had been following him for years and I lost my home.  My mother would not let me stay at her home so she left me to sleep under a bridge.  To this day I don't have a relationship with my family because they just simply don't like me.
 
July 7, 2008, 1:32 pm CDT

Twin sisters that was on the show!

The Twin sisters that was on the show about their sister rivarly is just how my boyfriends relationship with his twin brother is now, and they have been fighting for eight years over the simpilst things for no reason at all. I have been trying to get him to tell his brother how he feels, and why he feels the way he does about his brother and what he wants from his brother and even after he does that his brother is so hard headed he won't even pay attention to it or want to listen to it from other people. He said that he watched this show, and he said its going to be tough, but he is going to take what Dr. Phil said to the twin sisters, and going to apply it to him and his brother. Even though its going to be hard for him since they don't have an easy relationship where they can talk about anything, since it is very hard for them to talk to each other.

 
July 7, 2008, 1:40 pm CDT

moving on

Quote From: marti915

I can truly understand what this show is about cause I am in the same situation. I am the oldest of 5 living siblings; the sister that is 2 yrs younger has caused me nothing but heartache for many many years. No matter what I do or say she always starts the fights because she wants to be in control of everyone and everything. I have no idea why she is hates me and to top this off the other 3 siblings have sided with her and turned their backs on me. We loss our Mother in Nov. 2005 and my dear Mother's heart was broken in tiny pieces before she died cause of the way these people have treated me. Then in Jan. 06 my oldest son took his life after serving in Irag and what I thought would be us coming together finally only turned out to leave disappointment and hurt in me. They've walked away from me now haven't talk to me over a year. This one sister got mad because I sent her a Mother's day card in 07 and she really got mad so the others took her side.

While they the 4 have a close relationship they have shut me completely out. I consider my self to be loving, kind, considerate, caring and compassionate for and toward people but they think that I am the one that is at fault and I am to blame for the feud. I finally had to say no more because I am so tired of them not taken responsiblity for their part in this.

I refuse to accept emotionally abuse from them and have decided to go on with my life even thro it's hard because my whole family are gone or have chosen to shut me out. This really hurts cause I am still grieving over my Mother and 2 son's death.

 

 First,my deepest cpndolences on the loss of your son and your mother, especially within so few months of each other.

Secondly, I really feel for you regarding your siblings. And how cruel of them to turn away from you in your time of deepest need. Sometimes, unfortunately, one sibling is just more persuasive  than another or just more able to dominate the other siblings. And that's how one sibling all of a sudden finds himself/herself out in the cold.

Also, if it's any comfort, it's not unusual for younger siblings to "gang up" against the oldest one. It foes back to when people were kids and the oldest always seemed to get to do things the others couldn't or was generally left in charge when parents were out, etc. Then it's like what Dr. Phil said on the show about silbings overreacting b/c they're already sensitive -- no matter what "the oldest" may do or say, the younger ones see it as negative b/c they have all these childhood resentments. It's not the older ones fault; the resentments probably make no sense; the younger ones don't realize they are reacting on this basis; but so it goes.

Okay, I know one person responded by saying that pointing out that there are 2 sides to every story. True, but that doesn't mean that you haven't been mistreated. And some people may figure that if all 4 have banded together, you must be at fault, somehow. But with people, numbers don't always tell the whole story. (Look at the syndrome I discussed above, for example.) Besides, no matter what, they still must bear some responsibility for what's happened, as you say yourself. And it's hard to understand how they could walk away from you after the loss of your son, regardless of any personal issues they might have with you.

Regardless, I'm glad you've decided to go on with your life without them. And that they haven't been able to make you doubt yout good qualities, etc  I hope you have some good friends who can help you through all this. If that's not enough, please don't hesitate to seek counseling to help you deal -- maybe even grief counseling-- either group or individual.

Also, you say  the son who dies was your oldest son. So I take it you have other kids. I hope you find some joy and comfort in your relationship with them.

Good luck to you.

 
July 7, 2008, 1:42 pm CDT

Agree with suck it up and make peace!

Do people not realize how short life is??????  No one lives in a perfect life, most every family in the USA is dysfunctional in some way, mine included.  We just buried my father 3 weeks ago after a short battle with liver and lung cancer also.  Now is the time to be adults, move past the past events and be there for your mother and all family members.  You will regret the fighting and bickering that is going on right now, and after your father has passed, it will be very insignificant.  You need to make the short future you have with you father count!!!!!  My brother's relationship with our family has been distant in the recent past and he realizes now that my parent's and his family have missed out on key events that make such great and lasting memories.  I wish this family peace and hope that they realize they need to be there for their parents, give them love and hugs and cherish each moment that they have left!!!  Being able to comfort you father, let him know that things will be OK will make him at peace as he reaches the end of his life.  Right now it is not about the sibliings, it is about the parents!!!!!!!

 
July 7, 2008, 1:49 pm CDT

The twins on today's show

These twins really need to get it together and reunite, I am/was a twin. I lost my twin brother to cancer and yes it leaves a total void in a twins heart when one passes.  Yes twins are going to have their battles, and arguments, but why let it get to the point that these two have done.

I would give anything to have even a strained relationship with my twin, but I would not give up any of the time I had with him.

These twins are being so petty, and so unrealistic, living in the past, what is that going to give them? Nothing, they need to live in the present and treasure every day that they have each other, and the same for the other sisters on the show, family is family, arguments happen, but my God why keep going so badly that it causes each other to call names and never want to see each other.

This just makes me sick. To see how the families are fighting.  And the sister that hits herself, blaming it on the other twin is rediculous.

These families can be helped and can get their relationship back on track.

 
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