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Topic : 07/07 Adult Sibling Rivalry

Number of Replies: 203
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Created on : Thursday, July 03, 2008, 12:59:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
As a kid, it's normal to fight with a sibling, but what if you grow up to find your brother or sister to be your most-hated enemy? Jodi says what started as an argument with her sister, Shannon, over a pair of pants when they were teens has turned into a spiteful, wicked war. Shannon admits she disowned Jodi, but Jodi has no idea why her sister hates her so much! Will these women decide to bury the hatchet now that their father is fighting for his life? And, twins Kim and Kristen's war of words that began as children has turned into an all-out battle, including an incident in which Kristen broke an umbrella over her sister! What's at the root of their bickering? Is it too late to rekindle their sisterly bond? Tell us what you think.

Find out what happened on the show.

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July 7, 2008, 1:50 pm CDT

How sad.

Quote From: jritter

Well my life with my parents was awful.  I was shunned for becoming a teenager  and  not being want my family wanted me to be.  My mother kicked me out of the house at 14 years old.  I had to do terrible things to get money enough to pay my rent and bills.  Then after I grew up and got married my husband got into some trouble that had been following him for years and I lost my home.  My mother would not let me stay at her home so she left me to sleep under a bridge.  To this day I don't have a relationship with my family because they just simply don't like me.
Your mother broke the law when she kicked you out at 14. She had a legal obligation to raise you even if you did "become a teenager." You sound like a much better person than she is. Maybe you're a throw-back to some wiser, tougher ancestors. Good luck and God bless you!
 
July 7, 2008, 1:58 pm CDT

07/07 Adult Sibling Rivalry

Quote From: givingfemale

The Twin sisters that was on the show about their sister rivarly is just how my boyfriends relationship with his twin brother is now, and they have been fighting for eight years over the simpilst things for no reason at all. I have been trying to get him to tell his brother how he feels, and why he feels the way he does about his brother and what he wants from his brother and even after he does that his brother is so hard headed he won't even pay attention to it or want to listen to it from other people. He said that he watched this show, and he said its going to be tough, but he is going to take what Dr. Phil said to the twin sisters, and going to apply it to him and his brother. Even though its going to be hard for him since they don't have an easy relationship where they can talk about anything, since it is very hard for them to talk to each other.

I am going say  just this: the children are watching how you handle these types of situations. When they grow up, you are showing them how to act and react to situations when they arise.  This is an ever going cycle of unhealthiness, I would say you both either work this out and respect each others opinions or go and get some help and work on yourselves. Just sitting on the Dr Phil show is not going to change things one bit, the first step lies within each one of you........take it from one who knows from experience, been there... done that.... buried and brother, mother and father.........during all of our so called "sibling rivalries"

Kim B

 

 
July 7, 2008, 2:03 pm CDT

Whoa!

Quote From: donkeyface

I hate my brother!  He is 51 years old and can't stand on his own two feet.  My mother said that he could come home to get on his feet in May 2008 then in June 2008 he starts drinking alcohol and starting trouble.  On afternoon after drinking three beers he starts his yelling at my mother screaming in her face pointing at her they were less than 9 inches away.  Then he goes after me calling me a fat bitch and a user telling me that he would hit me then he went after mom again.  I was so scared that I had the phone in my hand to call the police but my mother took it out of my hand saying that I shouldn't call the law on him that he will calm down.  Well he told mom that he was leaving and packed his things and left.  He went drinking and driving and my mother didn't care.  After that she said that he can't come back.  But it was a lie too because she let him back because he had no place to live.  So he is back for three days until my mother leaves for Georgia to take care of her granddaughter.  I told my mother that I didn't want my brother around while she was gone.  

 

She does everything for him.  He needs to call the VA clinic to change some appointments no he doesn't do it my mother does it.  He won't get a mailing address for his things to go to she says that his daughter will take care of that and that I should hold all the mail until she picks it up.  I told her that all she is doing is passing the buck to his daughter that he should take care of his mail and belongings but she doesn't see it that way.  He controls everything the way he wants it.

 

Here is how he got to this point!  He was a crack addict and still to this day won't admit to it.  He says that we are all wrong when we bring up his past drug addiction.  That it never happened.  He was going job to job and place to place.  He kept saying that the people aren't paying him.  He couldn't stay in one job or place for too long.  So when he lost his last job he asked his mother if he could come live at home.  And of course she said yes but only to two months because she was leaving.  I didn't get to tell him that I didn't want him here but it isn't my place to say anything to him because I don't own my own house I live in hers because they asked us in 1992 to come stay and take care of the house when they would go south for the winters until 2004 when my father passed away that is what we were doing.  Now we split everything down the middle so that she can stay here in this house. 

 

When my father passed away my brother blamed him for his drug use.  My brother blamed his ex-wife for his drug use, he blamed my sister and her husband for his drug use,  Instead of blaming himself for his drug use it was everyone around him. 

 

He is using alcohol to relax him so he says.  That is what triggered the last incident here at the house.  My mother doesn't see that she is enabling him that if she weren't here where would he go for someone to take care of him?  And she wants me to take care of him. 

 

My mother is causing alot of stress on me because she can't see how controlling her son is and that he is going to be the way he is because he wants it that way.  She even said to him that she would pay for his apartment first month's rent.  She has paid for my brother in the amount of $14,000.00 from 2001 to now.  She has keep him from going to jail for traffic violations, check forgery, and anything else that you can think of.  My mother is an enabler.  She can't let him go.  She thinks she can fix him. 

 

Just wish that she can see what she is doing!!  Thanks dr phil for letting me talk.  Barbetta

 You need to calm down -- and figure out just where to draw the line here. I know it's hard for you to watch you rmom enable your brother's bad behavior, but that's her problem, not yours. On the other hand, you need to make it very clear that you are not going to take care of him in the same way. You don't need to give much of a reason or get pulled into an argument. Suffice to say that he is a grown man and that you have your own life, etc. Glad to see you let her know that he can't stay in the house when she's not there. But I hope this has been made clear to him, as well.

You may need to get yourself free of all this though, by moving out, even if it means your mom can't keep the house. She may have to get an apartment for the months she lives up north or just stay at her winter place year round.Or she could let your broehtre care for the house by himself during the winter and see what happens.  Yeah, she's your mom and you want t o help her, but you don't have to shape yoru whole life to suit hers. You might never be able to get her to stop enabling your brother, but you don't have to be there to witness it night and day or having him terrorize you.

Ok, maybe you're also a little jealous of the time, efort, and yes,money that your mom has put into your brother? Perhpas you're thinking it's money that would eventually come to you? I get that, but it's her right to do as she wishes. Better for you to get your own life in order, independent from your mom, than to waste time and energy seething over what she does for your brother! Maybe she won't let him go, but are you willing to let her go -- well, at least to put some distance between yourself and this situation? I think you really need to.
 
July 7, 2008, 2:08 pm CDT

Fix it before it is too late

I have been in the twin's situation but I did find a way to deal with it.  All my life I have lived in my older sister's shadow.  My mom and her were best friends, I say were because she has passed away.  I felt left out growing up when they were together and yet all I wanted was to be with my sister.  She could do no wrong and I was the awful child.  We had major fights and things got broken, mostly by me.  I moved to the same town, just a few blocks away from her and she complained to my mom about it.  This was while I was in college.  We finally started to get along when I was 26 but it still could get out of control at times.  We lived in the same house, (her upstairs and me downstairs) and my mom would come into town and I wouldn't know until I looked out the window and seen the vehicle.  I was 29 when I took some counselling and learned to say things in a way that wasn't accusing.  I took the time to tell my mother that the way she treated me and favoured my sister was hurtful and while my mom didn't agree, I realized I needed to say it regardless.  I then told my sister how I felt and we really talked and listened to each other.  She had no idea of how I felt and was sorry that Mom favoured her.  Just dealing with that made our relationship stronger and the fights less often and intense.  We still fought but we managed it better.  That was almost ten years ago now and she has been dead for 3 years.  People need to realize just how short life can be and pick those battles carefully.

 
July 7, 2008, 2:18 pm CDT

Sibling rivalry

Well I can certainly relate to this except I never knew it really existed until I lost both my parents and then I found out the hard way..I was a change of life baby (my Mom was 42 and my Dad was 53 when I was born) So when they passed it was if  I grew up as an only child which on my Dad's side I have 1 brother and had 2 sisters(both passed) and on my Mom's side had 2 sisters (1passed and 1 alive still) which I had different relationships with all of them..except I still felt like I was loved by a couple of them 1 never showed any kind of love and my brother I have just never known..but I always wanted to have a relationship with them but boy when my parents passed did I ever find out how they really felt ..there was only 2 that I feel like might have really loved me but they all resented me for being born you will never know how that felt to find out that the ones I was actually closer to did not ever like me and did resent me..and now I have 1 sister that is alive and I understand that my brother is really sick and will never reach out  and believe me I have tried with them all but if I could go back I wish I would have known how they felt I would have tried harder I guess but you see I was a child when alot of this was going on and I didn't even know how they felt..so if you have siblings please try to overlook alot and love one another..they won't be around forever
 
July 7, 2008, 2:19 pm CDT

get it together!

These women need to put their differeances aside and go on with life. I lost my fathere to cancer in 1985, my oldest sister to a car wreak in 1997, my mother in july of 2001 and my husband in oct. 2001. Believe me nothing is more important than family! certainly not petty arquments!
 
July 7, 2008, 2:20 pm CDT

Please get a grip!

I'm astounded at the amount of energy that Shannon and Jodie waste on this.  Regardless of what mom and dad did or are doing, these sisters are grown women and should get over themselves.  As someone who lost her sister to suicide several years ago, I'd give a LOT for some sibling rivalry!
 
July 7, 2008, 2:24 pm CDT

these girls don't know how lucky they were

these sisters couldn't get along with each other because they didn't get all the attention from their parents.  my half-sister taught my sister how to get me in trouble and get whipped and sent to bed every day.  she did such a good job teaching my sister how to hurt me that my parents called me a lier my whole life for trying to get them to see the truth.  and my half-sister backed up every lie she told them.  then she moved back to live with her mother and my life was set.  never did my parents believe anything l said.  and when l was 5 years old my sister got my dad to take away my birthdays.  from that day forward l was never given another one.  my birthday is in december so my mom would promise l would get something extra for christmas, but l never did.  when l was 10 my mother had to go to work, so l was told l had to learn to do the laundry, by myself.  there were 8 of us in the family. when l was 12 we moved to another state and my mother went to work again, so l had to learn how to cook for all of us, on a wood stove.  l was not the oldest child in the family. my sister was. but she was allowed to refuse to do anything she didn't want to do. she was all about herself and no one else.  so she didn't have to cook, clean or do laundry.  my dad lied to my mother and told her that he helped me around the house.  he never did anything. and neither did my sister. so l don't speak to or allow this sister in my life. and l don't miss her one bit.  l know that God loves me and that my family does too.  l can live a happy life without this sister in it.  no one needs to get along with all of their relatives to live a good life.  if you can't live with them, then live without them.  just find what makes you happy and go with that

 

 
July 7, 2008, 2:30 pm CDT

07/07 Adult Sibling Rivalry

Quote From: roafymomof3

It's very hard when there is an odd number of siblings. I too was the one in charge and got "ganged up on" so to speak. I would have done a lot of things differently if it would have been approached differently.  They could "ask"me things and not "tell" me how things should go. Isn't it funny how no matter how old we are or how old we get.....we will always be the "babies' of the family? I'm glad you have a loving husband. Say your prayers for them.....sounds like they need it!
how true!  they think that since they are older, they should have been the ones to take care of things.  I asked them their thoughts and the reply I got was just do what you want.  Well, now it is totally different.  They say they were never asked, and that I never offered.  And to think it is all over money!!  How sad that an attorney will reap the benefits of the money our mother left us. 
 
July 7, 2008, 2:33 pm CDT

Sisibling Rivalry

I totally understand where Shannon is coming from when not wanting to have a sister relationship. I to am in the same situation. In my case I'm the youngest and refuse to have anything to do with my older sister.  Being younger growing up I was always under my sister's scorn. She would  play nasty tricks on me when she was alone with me terrifying me, example... lock me in the dark bathroom and tell me she was calling the man to come get me. It was not a great childhood when she was around.  As we aged we did get closer for brief moments and then she would do stupid things to jeopardize our relationship. My parents never really chastized her for anything, and I just grew to accept it.

That last incident was when I separated 7 years ago, about 10 months after the separation he accused me of having an affair with her husband at the time.  It was this incident that I decided to remove her from my life as I was struggling enough to have someone that toxic in my life. It is unfortunate for my parents that we my sister and I are not close but life is short, and happiness is even less to find.  I can be in the same room with her but as for me referring to her as my sister, that is no more.

I feel she could use some kind of counselling as she is carrying a lot of backage and is a very unhappy person.

Some people cant ake more then others, and I felt I have tried too many times to have to continue living in the shadow of my sister and on needles.

It will be over 6 years that I have not spoken to my sibling, and it will probably be 6 more years!

Thanks for letting me post my message.

 

 

 
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