Topic : 07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

I took responsibility from the start. Thanks to the miracle of TV editing to fit it in the slot there was alot of the story not there. And of course to make it more interesting to the audience. Thats fine with me though, I looked like and ass to start with. Rightfully so. I am the one who wrote in to be on the show because I really didnt care what other people think of me, all that mattered was trying to get the best help we could. For the record too, I do understand the pain and I hope to god I never have to go through it.

As for it seeming like we just didnt have sex for awhile and I ran out and found some thats just not the case. We had communication problems and having sex is not the only way to be intimate. We had sex all the time because were both good at it. But aside from good sex that special connection wasnt there for a long while. That feeling that your special to someone and they care about you. The lack of hugs, kisses, caring, ect.  I spent about 4 years trying every way I could think of to explain how I felt. Most of the time Amber just took it as me bitching and didnt understand it was hurting me. It got to a point I was ready to just quit because nothing I tried to explain or say went anywhere, I just gave up and figured it wasnt going to work. Thats when my attention turned toward this other person.

The affair lasted a month and a half and was over weeks before Amber found out about our meeting. I've been in alot of bars, alot of fights, and seen some amazing things. Nothing compares to a small texas woman who is angry. She may be small but she had me scared. After some of the anger and excitement calmed down we started talking like weve never talked before. We were open, honest, and best of all actually hearing the other person. Its been about 9 months since the affair and were still doing really well.

Now, as for me cheating. Yes it happened, yes I did it. It may not have made it on the show but from the monent it happened I blamed no one but myself. It shouldnt have happend, will never happen again, and I have no magical excuse for it. If I could have taken it back I would have. I used to be so judgmental towards friends of mine who cheated on there wives, even lost a few friends because I looked down on them for it. Cheating was such a negitive and unforgivable thing in my mind. Boy did I get a huge dose of reality. I have learned alot about myself since. 

Oh, I see. So in your world, vows should only be honored IF it's convenient for you, and only if everything is going your way?

My goodness! You sure are being hard on yourself! If that is your picture with your post, I have to disagree with your personal assessment.

Any woman of substance will look past a guy's superficial appearance if he has a great personality and makes her laugh right from the start. THEN she can get to know you. What a woman does not find attractive is if a guy puts himself down; it makes for an uncomfortable situation.

I thought you had some very common sense things to say..... but, personally, I believe there are many, many mature men and women who look way better now than they did when they were younger!

I agree that if her husband can't understand the gravity of what he has done that they should get a divorce.

But he is DEAD WRONG on that it is any part her fault for being too tuned into her children and being a mom instead of being her husband's best friend.

This is partially a FREE PASS to all the guys who claim they do their online romancing because they are lonely.  They do it because they belive they can get away with it.

My ex-husband had online affairs, he was the one who moved away from the real world relationship where despite having children I was trying my best to be his companion and even slept with him 3 times a week.

Frankly to these men the time they spend online where they are "perfect" and someone wants to chat with them all day about what a sexy beast they are is worth withdrawing from a real world where your wife knows all your faults but loves you anyway. In the real world there are crisises that can't be wiped out with smiley faces and phone sex.

Dr. Phil never called him on his more than 100 messages a day to the other woman.  What in his "real" life was he neglecting to do all of those? Was he taking from his family to pay for his activities?

A real world wife cannot compete with an online mistress who tells him how perfect he is, sends him naughty pictures, and agrees what a bitch his partner must be for having real adult expectations of him. These affairs end when the real world creeps in, then they just put that partner on ignore and look for another.

His BS that his online affair made his marriage better is straight from a popular website which is not written by a marriage or family therapist, but a husband and wife who hold this opinion. Its real popular in the I have just been caught crowd and is the first link in many search engines when you type in that question.

I bet you anything that he was the one who withdrew first to something more exciting, but he just can't see it. It happens slowly sneaking out into the yard to send a few texts, and getting up late at night.  My ex husband even admits that by the end when he was caught by his employer that he was never emotionally present with his family because he had 3 women all fighting over him which was much more exciting.

Dr. Phil you are wrong. When your man is deadset on living the fantasy and withdraws into it there is nothing a good wife and mother can do.  I suggest you look into the fantasy life these men live.

My own ex-husband has lost not only a marriage of 10 years, but any contact with his 2 children, along with at least 3 jobs because his life is centered on a computer fantasy world.  He does not engage with the real world any longer.  He is not alone.  It is a crisis facing many families, and placing any piece of the blame on a woman for being dedicated to her children is not the answer.  As far as I know there is no cure, there is no doctor out there combating men leaving their families to join virtual opium dens. There are lots of ways to hide it, and lots of ways to get away with it until he is finally caught and the wife is left to live with the unbearable pressure of trying to save a marriage in a world where many therapists do not understand the emotional thrill the man got from it the whole time.

Seriously - you were either taking time from your work or your family to type these messages. There is in the very least EMOTIONAL energy expended to keep this sexual tension going and the secret excitement flowing.

I say that I slept with him 3 times a week as a way to convey that I thought we were really close.  We talked every day.  We went on family outings and even had date nights. He would call me many times a day to talk, all while he had a chat window open to one of his other women. We shared the same car to and from work.  I NEVER in a million years thought that the business trips I was dropping him off at the airport for were actually covers to go have sex with women he met online - but they were.

No woman is safe from this happening.  There are guides online about how to get away with it.

I was a good wife to him.  I stood by him for 10 years, including 2 hospitalizations for despression which turned out to be when he could not cope with his real and virtual world colliding.  I forgave him the first 2 times I found internet affairs because I believed it was best for my kids.

All that happens is that you learn how to become a better liar, and how to make her feel sorry for you that you are too sick to control yourself.

Real father are really there, for their families and do not need to escape into a fantasy to soothe poor self esteem.

Lines of communication are great, but when one side is giving bogus information to therapists who do not understand the web of internet sex scandals and the high you get from it, there can be no healing.  I went to one year of therapy to learn that my ex-husband never was going to understand the gravity of what he had done to my life. I knew that if I stayed with him I could never trust him on a computer again, and that was his career.  He worked for the Federal Government and lost his job because while under much more intensive treatment for what was diagnosed as depression, he STILL could not stop.

Seriously someone who knows how this cycle works should go a few rounds to the third degree to realize how much time and emotional effort was taken away from your real world to do this.

Thank god it has been 5 years now and my life is much better!

I already knew your picture was distorted, but could see past that (and yes, I remember the Coneheads).........didn't know it was deliberate. I figured it was, like a whole lot of pictures on people's posts, distorted because it was too large to fit properly in the little box....I've posted pictures like that.

If you are married, obviously, your wife thinks you're great...so who else matters? :)

I agree that Amanda is beautiful....unfortunately, she obviously has body dismorphic disorder. What a shame! No amount of plastic surgery can fix that.