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Topic : 07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

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Created on : Thursday, July 03, 2008, 01:00:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil opens up his mailbag to answer your burning questions! Amanda has been wanting plastic surgery since she was 16, and now that she's an adult, she's asked her sister, Angel, for birthday money so she can get liposuction and breast implants. She’s even considering dropping out of college so she can save money for the many procedures she wants. Angel worries her little sister could become addicted to cosmetic surgery. Next, will Michael’s plastic surgery nightmare change Amanda’s mind? Unsatisfied with the results of his first rhinoplasty, Michael found a world-renowned plastic surgeon to perform his second. When he got home, he documented the horrific result -- the tip of his nose turning black and falling off. See why he’s had three surgeries so far and plans on more. Then, Amber recently learned that her husband, Ron, had an affair. She says can't stop thinking about the other woman and doubts she'll ever get over it. Why does Ron think the affair had a positive effect on their marriage? Plus, meet a wife and mother torn between her career and her family, and don't miss a ravishing audience room makeover by Robin!  Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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July 9, 2008, 6:18 am CDT

marriage vows

Quote From: benc789

If a man vows to be faithful, this only applies until his wife refuses to have sex with him.  Once she decides to be celibate, the vow to be faithful is over.

I don't recall saying that in my marriage vows.

 

I guess then it is ok for a woman to have an emotional affair with another man when her husband isn't meeting her emotional needs? Are you for real?

 

If your wife isn't having sex with you, you need to find out the reasons why. It may have more to do with YOU than her! 

 
July 9, 2008, 6:21 am CDT

I can relate...

  I can relate to yesterday's story of the woman whose husband cheated with an ex. Although I am not married, I am in a very serious relationship with my boyfriend. He's now divorced, but when he and I started dating, he had been separated from his ex for several months. He wasn't exactly honest with me about everything with he and his ex. He told me they were friends and would even talk to her on the phone in front of me, and it was never anything romantic. Basically, he had been with her for almost ten years total, and they were married for three years when she decided to leave him and move to Florida. She had been unfaithful to him several times throughout their relationship, but he continued to take her back. I never understood why he still wanted to be friends with her since she just up and left him with her bills and a house to take care of. He is in debt because of her leaving. Anyway, she had this boyfriend down in Florida who got arrested, and she was supposedly madly in love with him and wanted to get married and have kids with him. Well, his arrest devastated her, and she started calling my boyfriend every day and using him as a crutch.

  Unbeknownst to me, she came up around Christmas '06 to see him while I was home with my family. This is like a week after we decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Then in January, he took a trip down to Florida and told me he was going to visit his one cousin who lives down there. I knew something happened down there because he didn't call me the entire time he was there. I suspected he cheated, but I had no proof. He lied to me for months despite my finding a topless photo of her on his computer. Around March, I gave him an ultimatum and told him he needed to make decision because I wasn't sticking around to play second fiddle to her. Mind you I still didn't know what happened down in Florida, and I definitely didn't know about Christmas. Last summer, everything came out because I had access to his email and MySpace, which he gave to me himself. He didn't have the heart to tell me the truth, so I had to find out the worst way possible. I read their notes back and forth, and while he was telling me he loved me, he was doing the same with her. I wanted to leave him and tried to. He begged me not to and even called my parents to tell them how much he had hurt me. He claimed he was confused and didn't know what to do. She had broken his heart when she left, and the fact that she was giving him attention again made him want her.

  Even though I have known about this for a little over a year, I am still hurt and feel betrayed by all this. I just don't understand why he would want to go back to someone who did so many terrible things to him. He always says it was the dumbest thing he's ever done, and he doesn't know why he did it. The answer I usually get is that he didn't realize what he had with me until after the fact. I know he loves me now, and he needed someone in his life who wouldn't betray or abandon him. When I tell you that his ex is evil, that doesn't even begin to cover it. She hates me because I am with him now, and when he told her he wanted no parts of her anymore, she became VERY angry. I struggle with self-esteem and have always as far back as I can remember. I have gone to therapy for it, but nothing seems to help. I just don't understand what she had that I didn't. To me, she is not attractive at all, and she and I couldn't be more opposite. She's really short, petite, blonde, and fake, and I am very tall, muscular but curvy, brunette, and all-natural. I know looks aren't everything, but her personality is even uglier. The fact that my boyfriend called her beautiful and things like that when he was dating me hurts more than any of it. She completely used him, and he let her do it. They haven't spoken on the phone in almost a year, and when they did, it was about the divorce and such. They have this house now, and of course, she wants money from it when he sells it. Well, the sell isn't happening anytime soon, so basically, she is still in the picture, even though there is minimal contact. 

  I still don't know if I did the right thing in staying with him. I love him so much, and I know he feels the same way about me. He's VERY sorry for everything, but is that good enough? I can relate to the story from yesterday because I constantly compare myself with her and even compete to be better than she is at everything. I need that validation so my boyfriend can see what an idiot he was. It makes me crazy sometimes because I just want to understand, but I feel like I never will. We went to couple's counseling after everything came out, and our therapist tried to simplify everything for me as if I should understand it. The only bright side, if there is one, is that it happened in the first 3 months of our relationship and not years later.  Those were crucial months, though, because I fell deeply in love with him, and he claims he did, as well. He loved two people at the same time. I know the odds if it ever happening again are slim since they have said hateful things back and forth to each other over the past year, but it still hurts me so much. Everytime I think about it, I get so upset and depressed. It's hands down the worst thing anyone's ever done to me, and I have been burned by people before. It just puts me in a hard place, but I know I should just move on from it because he is sorry and won't do it again. Cheating is the worst thing, and I feel for anyone who has been cheated on. I have no sympathy for those who cheat because there really is no excuse.

 
July 9, 2008, 6:51 am CDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: shopgal13

  I can relate to yesterday's story of the woman whose husband cheated with an ex. Although I am not married, I am in a very serious relationship with my boyfriend. He's now divorced, but when he and I started dating, he had been separated from his ex for several months. He wasn't exactly honest with me about everything with he and his ex. He told me they were friends and would even talk to her on the phone in front of me, and it was never anything romantic. Basically, he had been with her for almost ten years total, and they were married for three years when she decided to leave him and move to Florida. She had been unfaithful to him several times throughout their relationship, but he continued to take her back. I never understood why he still wanted to be friends with her since she just up and left him with her bills and a house to take care of. He is in debt because of her leaving. Anyway, she had this boyfriend down in Florida who got arrested, and she was supposedly madly in love with him and wanted to get married and have kids with him. Well, his arrest devastated her, and she started calling my boyfriend every day and using him as a crutch.

  Unbeknownst to me, she came up around Christmas '06 to see him while I was home with my family. This is like a week after we decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Then in January, he took a trip down to Florida and told me he was going to visit his one cousin who lives down there. I knew something happened down there because he didn't call me the entire time he was there. I suspected he cheated, but I had no proof. He lied to me for months despite my finding a topless photo of her on his computer. Around March, I gave him an ultimatum and told him he needed to make decision because I wasn't sticking around to play second fiddle to her. Mind you I still didn't know what happened down in Florida, and I definitely didn't know about Christmas. Last summer, everything came out because I had access to his email and MySpace, which he gave to me himself. He didn't have the heart to tell me the truth, so I had to find out the worst way possible. I read their notes back and forth, and while he was telling me he loved me, he was doing the same with her. I wanted to leave him and tried to. He begged me not to and even called my parents to tell them how much he had hurt me. He claimed he was confused and didn't know what to do. She had broken his heart when she left, and the fact that she was giving him attention again made him want her.

  Even though I have known about this for a little over a year, I am still hurt and feel betrayed by all this. I just don't understand why he would want to go back to someone who did so many terrible things to him. He always says it was the dumbest thing he's ever done, and he doesn't know why he did it. The answer I usually get is that he didn't realize what he had with me until after the fact. I know he loves me now, and he needed someone in his life who wouldn't betray or abandon him. When I tell you that his ex is evil, that doesn't even begin to cover it. She hates me because I am with him now, and when he told her he wanted no parts of her anymore, she became VERY angry. I struggle with self-esteem and have always as far back as I can remember. I have gone to therapy for it, but nothing seems to help. I just don't understand what she had that I didn't. To me, she is not attractive at all, and she and I couldn't be more opposite. She's really short, petite, blonde, and fake, and I am very tall, muscular but curvy, brunette, and all-natural. I know looks aren't everything, but her personality is even uglier. The fact that my boyfriend called her beautiful and things like that when he was dating me hurts more than any of it. She completely used him, and he let her do it. They haven't spoken on the phone in almost a year, and when they did, it was about the divorce and such. They have this house now, and of course, she wants money from it when he sells it. Well, the sell isn't happening anytime soon, so basically, she is still in the picture, even though there is minimal contact. 

  I still don't know if I did the right thing in staying with him. I love him so much, and I know he feels the same way about me. He's VERY sorry for everything, but is that good enough? I can relate to the story from yesterday because I constantly compare myself with her and even compete to be better than she is at everything. I need that validation so my boyfriend can see what an idiot he was. It makes me crazy sometimes because I just want to understand, but I feel like I never will. We went to couple's counseling after everything came out, and our therapist tried to simplify everything for me as if I should understand it. The only bright side, if there is one, is that it happened in the first 3 months of our relationship and not years later.  Those were crucial months, though, because I fell deeply in love with him, and he claims he did, as well. He loved two people at the same time. I know the odds if it ever happening again are slim since they have said hateful things back and forth to each other over the past year, but it still hurts me so much. Everytime I think about it, I get so upset and depressed. It's hands down the worst thing anyone's ever done to me, and I have been burned by people before. It just puts me in a hard place, but I know I should just move on from it because he is sorry and won't do it again. Cheating is the worst thing, and I feel for anyone who has been cheated on. I have no sympathy for those who cheat because there really is no excuse.

That sounds a lot like our story. It's devastating when someone you love SO much does this. It's been 9 mths and I still have doubts about myself and him and even her because I know she's evil and will try to wiggle her way back into our relationship. I call her "satan's little helper" because that's what she is even though sometimes I still feel Ron has feelings for her or unsettled buisness with her from their relationship before we met. I found naked pics of the ex on our computer as well. Needless to say I was pissed. I just think that when you call your partner out on the affair, the other woman does NOT need to get away with it. You live with your partner and he/she sees the pain, hurt, betrayal, anger, sadness, etc... but the other woman just goes about her way and goes to ruin other families and I want to put an end to it.

 

I'm sorry that you had to go through your situation. It's tough but hang in there and trust your heart...

 

 

 
July 9, 2008, 6:55 am CDT

We did have sex!

Quote From: txgirl39

I don't recall saying that in my marriage vows.

 

I guess then it is ok for a woman to have an emotional affair with another man when her husband isn't meeting her emotional needs? Are you for real?

 

If your wife isn't having sex with you, you need to find out the reasons why. It may have more to do with YOU than her! 

We were having sex, that is not the issue... Ron felt that the "flame" wasn't there and it wasn't because of numerous things. One is because I'm a mom and when you become a mom things shift and it's not all about the husband anymore, you make room for the child and then we had 2 more kids. It was hard for me to give attention to 3 kids and Ron because it was like he wanted to be treated like I treated him before kids. It's HARD to balance the married life and children and what is time to yourself??? I don't know what that is anymore LOL.

 

I just want everyone to know that it wasn't because sex was not there because it was...

 
July 9, 2008, 8:02 am CDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: ron_amber

That sounds a lot like our story. It's devastating when someone you love SO much does this. It's been 9 mths and I still have doubts about myself and him and even her because I know she's evil and will try to wiggle her way back into our relationship. I call her "satan's little helper" because that's what she is even though sometimes I still feel Ron has feelings for her or unsettled buisness with her from their relationship before we met. I found naked pics of the ex on our computer as well. Needless to say I was pissed. I just think that when you call your partner out on the affair, the other woman does NOT need to get away with it. You live with your partner and he/she sees the pain, hurt, betrayal, anger, sadness, etc... but the other woman just goes about her way and goes to ruin other families and I want to put an end to it.

 

I'm sorry that you had to go through your situation. It's tough but hang in there and trust your heart...

 

 

  No, you're so right! The other woman does get away with it. She's all the way down in Florida, shacked up with yet another guy. I mean, she's total trash, and she completely used my boyfriend. He knows that now and wants absolutely nothing to do with her. He has a hard time living with himself for allowing it to go so far with her. It's just hard that they have this house together and have to be in contact for that reason. I wish she'd just sign the thing over since she abandoned it after less than a year of living there. I have been in that house longer than she has. If I ever saw her in person, I would love to beat her up, but since that's against the law, I'd have to settle for a tongue-lashing. Haha!

  One of the hardest things about this whole situation is that I'm 22, just graduated from college, never been married obviously, and he's 30 and divorced. That's why I mentioned my parents in the story because he's part of my family now, and they have always really liked him. They still do because they kind of understand where he's coming from, even though they think it was wrong of him to hurt me. We talk about getting married sometime, but I can't even think about it right now because I have things I want to do professionally and financially, and so does he.

  All I can say is hang in there. It's so much harder when you're married and have kids. That just complicates it all the more. I hope your husband starts to feel remorse for what he's done and wants to make things right. My boyfriend cried many times to me about it, and that's one of things that made me stay.

 

 
July 9, 2008, 8:34 am CDT

Rachel - I am going through that too

 Hi Rachel,
  When I saw your story, I thought I was listening to myself speak.  I know EXACTLY what you are going through because I'm going through the same right now.  For years I worked hard to climb up the corporate ladder and was missing something.  I met my amazing husband and my life changed so drastically so fast.  He is an officer in the Marine Corps, so if you know anything about the Marine Corps it comes first and foremost.  Especially these days with the deployment cycle.  When we got married, we moved down south to Camp Pendleton in San Diego CA.  I had lived up in Orange County for the past 10 years, so at first I commuted to and from there.  Basically 100 miles a days driving.  When my husband was set to deploy for a year, we had decided that I would put my notice at work and not commute.  He made plenty of money for us to live on and my nerves were shot knowing where he was going.  That was the first of my decisions that kind of took away my sense of who I AM!!  I loved my career in publishing, but didn't realize just how much it made me into who I am until over a year later.  Before you know it, a year flew bye, my husband came home from Iraq and within the first month he was home, I got pregnant.  We were planning our pregnancy so it was no surprise.  The last two years have been a whirlwind for me.  Now that my son is 7 months old, I am trying to figure out who I am.  My whole life I've worked and built a career and now I'm trying to redefine myself.  I LOVE being a wife and a mother, but I need to find my space in this world and in this family.  I guess I'm writing to you because I can without hesitation say that I know what you are going through and we are sisters in the fight to find ourselves.  I'm just beginning my journey into all this.  We are moving next year out east.  It makes it hard to meet friends.  The media never really tells the story of what families go through when it comes to deployments or just being a military spouse.  We move, make friends and then have to move again.  It is tough to get a hold of who I am in the midst of all the changes our family faces.  If you would like to have a supporter and someone to talk to, just email me.  :-)  Maybe we can share our ups and downs through this journey we are both going through.  If I don't hear from you, definitely stomp that foot and make time for yourself.  My husband is a great supporter of me redefining who I am and I hope that yours is as well.  You are not alone!! :-)
 
July 9, 2008, 9:38 am CDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: shopgal13

  No, you're so right! The other woman does get away with it. She's all the way down in Florida, shacked up with yet another guy. I mean, she's total trash, and she completely used my boyfriend. He knows that now and wants absolutely nothing to do with her. He has a hard time living with himself for allowing it to go so far with her. It's just hard that they have this house together and have to be in contact for that reason. I wish she'd just sign the thing over since she abandoned it after less than a year of living there. I have been in that house longer than she has. If I ever saw her in person, I would love to beat her up, but since that's against the law, I'd have to settle for a tongue-lashing. Haha!

  One of the hardest things about this whole situation is that I'm 22, just graduated from college, never been married obviously, and he's 30 and divorced. That's why I mentioned my parents in the story because he's part of my family now, and they have always really liked him. They still do because they kind of understand where he's coming from, even though they think it was wrong of him to hurt me. We talk about getting married sometime, but I can't even think about it right now because I have things I want to do professionally and financially, and so does he.

  All I can say is hang in there. It's so much harder when you're married and have kids. That just complicates it all the more. I hope your husband starts to feel remorse for what he's done and wants to make things right. My boyfriend cried many times to me about it, and that's one of things that made me stay.

 

I tried to post about this quote but i don't think it went through so I'm going to do it again...

 

I'm sure ron's ex is already shacked up with someone else too. All I can say is: I'm soooo glad I'm not that kind of woman! I'm only 24 and have been with Ron since I was 14 so we've been throught a lot, thick and thin and I couldn't understand why he was being so hateful to me while the affair was going on cause of everything I had been through with him and he was so in love with the ex who had already cheated on him a long time ago?

 

Use to I would say that I wanted to beat the ex up but now I just wish she would go through the same pain that she put me through plus I don't want to get in trouble with the law...

 

Hang in there!

 
July 9, 2008, 2:18 pm CDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: courtneyb26

I don't know why whenever a woman is cheated on she is ready to kill the other woman, but barely says boo about her husband's involvement, I'm sure he wasn't held down and raped, she should be angry at HIM, he's the one who took vows to be faithful to her, not the other woman, who had no obligations to her.

I can answer that for you - because I feel like it is MOSTLY the other woman's fault.  Unless the guy IS a rapist, he didn't force anything...SHE must have been the one putting it out there!  Yeah, sure, he took the bait, but she is the one who put it out there in the first place by flirting or whatever she did to get his attention!

Don't think the cheating husband didn't get his share of the wife's anger, but if she makes a choice to stay with him, at some point she must choose to forgive HIM.  She does NOT, however, have to forgive the other woman.

I have seen way too many women putting their cute little smiles or flirts out there, in front of me! to my husband.  It's disgusting.  And men do NOT do that to me, because i'm not giving signals...

So yeah, he took vows, broke them, and if he chooses to conciously do it AGAIN after realizing how much hell he put her thru, then she should throw him out.  But it takes YEARS to get over the hate and vengeance of the other woman.

 
July 9, 2008, 4:03 pm CDT

It does get better

Quote From: ron_amber

We were having sex, that is not the issue... Ron felt that the "flame" wasn't there and it wasn't because of numerous things. One is because I'm a mom and when you become a mom things shift and it's not all about the husband anymore, you make room for the child and then we had 2 more kids. It was hard for me to give attention to 3 kids and Ron because it was like he wanted to be treated like I treated him before kids. It's HARD to balance the married life and children and what is time to yourself??? I don't know what that is anymore LOL.

 

I just want everyone to know that it wasn't because sex was not there because it was...

I wasn't talking about you guys when I posted that. I was talking in general terms.

 

I think it is very natural when your kids are young to have struggles in the areas of romance. It will get better. My husbands and my sex life is much better today now that our kids are almost teens than when they were very young. It is very exhausting being a mom. I can always tell when my husband wants sex because he starts doing more around the house. He knows sex begins in the kitchen. There is nothing sexier than a man doing the dishes or running the vacuum cleaner!!!!

 

I just want you to know that I wish you two the best. Keep healing and keep communicating!   

 
July 10, 2008, 6:42 am CDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: txgirl39

I wasn't talking about you guys when I posted that. I was talking in general terms.

 

I think it is very natural when your kids are young to have struggles in the areas of romance. It will get better. My husbands and my sex life is much better today now that our kids are almost teens than when they were very young. It is very exhausting being a mom. I can always tell when my husband wants sex because he starts doing more around the house. He knows sex begins in the kitchen. There is nothing sexier than a man doing the dishes or running the vacuum cleaner!!!!

 

I just want you to know that I wish you two the best. Keep healing and keep communicating!   

It's extremely hard to balance everything for me, maybe everyone is not like that and it's a piece of cake but my husband has a lot of needs I feel as far as intimacy, affection, love and the kids require a lot also.

 

I totally agree with the kitchen sex! Ron rarely does things around the house and it is sooooo nice when he does! Thanks for the advice!!!

 
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