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Topic : 07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Number of Replies: 64

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Created on : Thursday, July 03, 2008, 01:00:59 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

Dr. Phil opens up his mailbag to answer your burning questions! Amanda has been wanting plastic surgery since she was 16, and now that she's an adult, she's asked her sister, Angel, for birthday money so she can get liposuction and breast implants. She’s even considering dropping out of college so she can save money for the many procedures she wants. Angel worries her little sister could become addicted to cosmetic surgery. Next, will Michael’s plastic surgery nightmare change Amanda’s mind? Unsatisfied with the results of his first rhinoplasty, Michael found a world-renowned plastic surgeon to perform his second. When he got home, he documented the horrific result -- the tip of his nose turning black and falling off. See why he’s had three surgeries so far and plans on more. Then, Amber recently learned that her husband, Ron, had an affair. She says can't stop thinking about the other woman and doubts she'll ever get over it. Why does Ron think the affair had a positive effect on their marriage? Plus, meet a wife and mother torn between her career and her family, and don't miss a ravishing audience room makeover by Robin! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

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ron_amber

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July 10, 2008, 6:44 am PDT

Thank you!!!!

Quote From: gatorgirl89

I can answer that for you - because I feel like it is MOSTLY the other woman's fault. Unless the guy IS a rapist, he didn't force anything...SHE must have been the one putting it out there! Yeah, sure, he took the bait, but she is the one who put it out there in the first place by flirting or whatever she did to get his attention!

Don't think the cheating husband didn't get his share of the wife's anger, but if she makes a choice to stay with him, at some point she must choose to forgive HIM. She does NOT, however, have to forgive the other woman.

I have seen way too many women putting their cute little smiles or flirts out there, in front of me! to my husband. It's disgusting. And men do NOT do that to me, because i'm not giving signals...

So yeah, he took vows, broke them, and if he chooses to conciously do it AGAIN after realizing how much hell he put her thru, then she should throw him out. But it takes YEARS to get over the hate and vengeance of the other woman.

You couldn't have put it better! Thank you...

Amber

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shopgal13

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July 10, 2008, 8:55 am PDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: ron_amber

You couldn't have put it better! Thank you...

Amber

In my case, I hate the other woman for what she put both my boyfriend and me through. She just left him and tossed him aside like a piece of trash for her own selfish reasons, and he was stuck with her responsibilities in addition to his own. Then after she knew she had crushed him, she reeled him back in, and she knew full well he had a girlfriend. He told me she was actually asking him questions about me. Obviously, she didn't care about his relationship. She is the most selfish person I have ever known...hands down! I just wish my boyfriend would have been stronger and could have seen through her. I know he hates what did and what a sucker he was. I'm glad he realized it and that will deter him from ever doing something like that again. It makes me so angry that he allowed someone to walk all over him like that. Obviously, I can't blame her for everything because he's the one who got on a plane and went down to see her, not to mention that he lied straight to my face for months. It makes doubt a lot of things he says just because he hasn't completely won back my trust. The sole reason for that is she is still involved in the house business, so there is that inkling of a chance something could happen. Who knows, she could want to sleep with him to get a better deal on the house. I know that's a stretch, but I can't rule out anything since I was so blind-sided before. It's so depressing! I mean, we have been happy for months, but I just always have my guard up because even though I don't have reason to think something is going on right this second, I can't rule it out. Am I sounding crazy?

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ron_amber

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July 10, 2008, 10:17 am PDT

You're not crazy

Quote From: shopgal13

In my case, I hate the other woman for what she put both my boyfriend and me through. She just left him and tossed him aside like a piece of trash for her own selfish reasons, and he was stuck with her responsibilities in addition to his own. Then after she knew she had crushed him, she reeled him back in, and she knew full well he had a girlfriend. He told me she was actually asking him questions about me. Obviously, she didn't care about his relationship. She is the most selfish person I have ever known...hands down! I just wish my boyfriend would have been stronger and could have seen through her. I know he hates what did and what a sucker he was. I'm glad he realized it and that will deter him from ever doing something like that again. It makes me so angry that he allowed someone to walk all over him like that. Obviously, I can't blame her for everything because he's the one who got on a plane and went down to see her, not to mention that he lied straight to my face for months. It makes doubt a lot of things he says just because he hasn't completely won back my trust. The sole reason for that is she is still involved in the house business, so there is that inkling of a chance something could happen. Who knows, she could want to sleep with him to get a better deal on the house. I know that's a stretch, but I can't rule out anything since I was so blind-sided before. It's so depressing! I mean, we have been happy for months, but I just always have my guard up because even though I don't have reason to think something is going on right this second, I can't rule it out. Am I sounding crazy?

NO you're not sounding crazy! You can't be too careful for sure but I hope that going through what ya'll went through he has truly seen how see truly is and can avoid her at all cost...

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grandmashari

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July 10, 2008, 1:12 pm PDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: txgirl39

I wasn't talking about you guys when I posted that. I was talking in general terms.

I think it is very natural when your kids are young to have struggles in the areas of romance. It will get better. My husbands and my sex life is much better today now that our kids are almost teens than when they were very young. It is very exhausting being a mom. I can always tell when my husband wants sex because he starts doing more around the house. He knows sex begins in the kitchen. There is nothing sexier than a man doing the dishes or running the vacuum cleaner!!!!

I just want you to know that I wish you two the best. Keep healing and keep communicating!

lol my husband knows that sex can begin in the kitchen, but that usually means he gropes while I am trying to cook dinner or do dishes. I don't think he would ever get sex if he had to do dishes for it. Kudos to you for teaching your husband right!

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grandmashari

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July 10, 2008, 1:28 pm PDT

Good try to excuse it... but it is a bit off.

Quote From: benc789

If a man vows to be faithful, this only applies until his wife refuses to have sex with him. Once she decides to be celibate, the vow to be faithful is over.

lol I bet a lot of men would like to put THAT in their marriage vows. Actually according to the bible, a wife should be there for the husband, the husband should be there for the wife. The only reason for divorice is unfaithfulness, according to the bible, it breaks the vows. It also states in the bible that if you divorice, you shouldn't remarry.

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rkb1973

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July 10, 2008, 8:04 pm PDT

Thanks so much!

Quote From: usmcwifecp

Hi Rachel,
When I saw your story, I thought I was listening to myself speak. I know EXACTLY what you are going through because I'm going through the same right now. For years I worked hard to climb up the corporate ladder and was missing something. I met my amazing husband and my life changed so drastically so fast. He is an officer in the Marine Corps, so if you know anything about the Marine Corps it comes first and foremost. Especially these days with the deployment cycle. When we got married, we moved down south to Camp Pendleton in San Diego CA. I had lived up in Orange County for the past 10 years, so at first I commuted to and from there. Basically 100 miles a days driving. When my husband was set to deploy for a year, we had decided that I would put my notice at work and not commute. He made plenty of money for us to live on and my nerves were shot knowing where he was going. That was the first of my decisions that kind of took away my sense of who I AM!! I loved my career in publishing, but didn't realize just how much it made me into who I am until over a year later. Before you know it, a year flew bye, my husband came home from Iraq and within the first month he was home, I got pregnant. We were planning our pregnancy so it was no surprise. The last two years have been a whirlwind for me. Now that my son is 7 months old, I am trying to figure out who I am. My whole life I've worked and built a career and now I'm trying to redefine myself. I LOVE being a wife and a mother, but I need to find my space in this world and in this family. I guess I'm writing to you because I can without hesitation say that I know what you are going through and we are sisters in the fight to find ourselves. I'm just beginning my journey into all this. We are moving next year out east. It makes it hard to meet friends. The media never really tells the story of what families go through when it comes to deployments or just being a military spouse. We move, make friends and then have to move again. It is tough to get a hold of who I am in the midst of all the changes our family faces. If you would like to have a supporter and someone to talk to, just email me. :-) Maybe we can share our ups and downs through this journey we are both going through. If I don't hear from you, definitely stomp that foot and make time for yourself. My husband is a great supporter of me redefining who I am and I hope that yours is as well. You are not alone!! :-)

I wanted to say thank you for the great email and support. It was a big step going onto the show and talking about things that made me feel bad. I had always dreamed of being a mother and was excited when it happened. I also just felt selfish all the time when I had the feelings of missing my former self.

When I got the call for the show I was so nervous. The day went well and Dr. Phil sent me some books to help with my situation. He was really great! The show actually helped open up communication between my husband and I. I figured if I had the nerve to go on TV, than I should be able to share all my feelings with my husband!!. I just felt guilty!

He wasn't aware of all my feelings and now is more like your husband ( a great supporter). Thanks again for the email. I would love to chat more and talk about this journey. Talk to you soon! Rachel

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rkb1973

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July 10, 2008, 8:12 pm PDT

Thanks so much!

Quote From: betsymartin

That could have been me sitting up there. I too had a great career & strong work ethics. I have two fabulous daughters, one is 10 years old & the other is turning one in 2 days!!! I guess I get frustrated thinking that I am "wasting" my life staying home with my girls. I stayed home with my oldest & I know she is who she is because of it & I definately want to give my youngest the same advantage. But, when do I get to prepare for MY future? I mean when the girls are grown & gone then what??

I had a wonderful experience going on the show and working with Dr. Phil. He sent me several of his books that I have read and made a big difference in how I communicate. He said something that just clicked with me. He said if I wasn't happy than my kids would not be happy. I am trying to work on a balance to give my boys what they need but also meet my needs. Let me know if you would like to chat further. I have made some changes that have helped me have a better balance. Thanks again for your email.

Rachel

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ramair

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July 11, 2008, 10:31 am PDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: ron_amber

We were having sex, that is not the issue... Ron felt that the "flame" wasn't there and it wasn't because of numerous things. One is because I'm a mom and when you become a mom things shift and it's not all about the husband anymore, you make room for the child and then we had 2 more kids. It was hard for me to give attention to 3 kids and Ron because it was like he wanted to be treated like I treated him before kids. It's HARD to balance the married life and children and what is time to yourself??? I don't know what that is anymore LOL.

I just want everyone to know that it wasn't because sex was not there because it was...

So many people, we women especially it seems, expect marriage to be an extension of the dating life. And, some men expect marriage after children to be an extension of marriage before children. Before your three children, Ron had no one else to share you with. Now, he's got to share you with three people he helped to create. Deal with it, Ron! Amber didn't get pregnant all by herself!

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ramair

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July 11, 2008, 10:45 am PDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: benc789

This is false. They weren't having sex. Amber admitted that she had stopped being a "friend and a lover".

There's a huge difference in not being a "friend and lover" and not having sex. People can have sex and be neither friends nor lovers. Even married people. Ron wasn't wanting for sex from Amber. He was wanting for something besides sex. Attention outside the bedroom, maybe. It's often hard to add "mother" to "friend and lover" without sacrificing something. Besides, had you read the post to which you're responding here, you would have known it was written by Amber. And, I think she'd know whether she and Ron were having sex or not.

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ramair

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July 11, 2008, 11:00 am PDT

07/08 Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: benc789

So did he want "more affection" and feel "very rejected" if he was having sex more than five times a week?

Maybe, after having three children Ron helped her create, Amber's had too much on her mind to do more than "go through the motions" sexually. Who knows? But, if she says they were having sex at least five times a week, sometimes more than once a day, we've got no reason to disbelieve her. And, suppose he asked her for sex eight times in one week and she agreed to it seven times. Does that one refusal justify going outside their marriage? In your eyes, I guess it does. Don't ever ask me to marry you! Even if I weren't already married, the answer would be never! I'd die an "old maid" first! Before I'd get cheated on for saying "no" once in a blue moon!

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