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Topic : 07/10 Can This Family Be Saved?

Number of Replies: 99
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Created on : Thursday, July 03, 2008, 01:04:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
An out-of-control teenager, allegations of physical and verbal abuse, a marriage on the rocks — you name it; this family drama has it all. Along with Bishop T.D. Jakes, renowned pastor and author of Reposition Yourself, Dr. Phil has advice for bringing calm to the chaos. Tricia had to move out of her house because her husband, Jeff, couldn’t handle her rebellious 13-year-old daughter, Caysha. Tricia says Caysha curses, skips school, and has unprotected sex. Caysha says she isn't the only one at fault. She says her stepdad, Jeff, is controlling, insults her constantly, and even calls the cops to discipline her! Is reconciliation possible? Then, Bishop Jakes has a heart-to-heart talk with the teen. Find out what she says is the major cause of the chaos in her household. And, Caysha joins her parents and Bishop Jakes onstage. Is boot camp the answer for the troubled teen? Is it too late for Tricia to begin setting boundaries for Caysha and start healing her family? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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July 10, 2008, 1:52 pm CDT

07/10 Can This Family Be Saved?

Quote From: realmaria

This is a situation where the mother lacks self esteem and parenting skills. She obviously dated an ex con and brought him into her daughter's life. Jeff's social skills were acquired in prison. He's damaged goods. He doesn't love this child. I would love to see him take a lie detector test on his true feelings for her. Any man that would speak to a young woman with such venom is a low life scumbag. My heart goes out to the teen. I would hope that she could find a loving home that would afford her the opportunity to finish school and develope properly. A fresh start would be so good for her, away from the sleepover boyfriend & damaged Jeff. If she and Tricia could start anew, I think they would have a fighting chance. I feel with Jeff in the picture, the mother/daughter relationship is doomed. Jeff is the majority of the problem. This is a prime example of what happens when women think more of their own needs than their children's. I'm not saying Tricia doesn't deserve a good life, I just think she owed her daughter a loving home. If that had been provided I doubt Tricia would have been attracted to an ex con with such little insight to parenthood. You never ever talk bad about the absent parent (even if they deserve it). One takes the high road. Jeff isn't capable of such thinking.
I would like to know what kind of home Jeff and Tricia were raised in.  It doesn't sound like they had any example of good parenting what so ever.  That poor girl needs someone to listen, to teach and to guide her.  She reminds me a little of my niece but my niece did great in school.  She didn't like the rules and her parents weren't on the same page.  I think the Reverend did a wonderful job showing us who that little girl really is when treated with respect.  Hopefully they will find a counselor that could speak with her like that.
 
July 10, 2008, 1:55 pm CDT

family in crisis

Quote From: cndrlla

Caysha, you mentioned wanting to become emancipated. Better give the following some thought:

 

Do you have a J.O.B.? If you don't, how do you expect to pay for just basic living expenses?..(not to mention any extras like..oh, let's see....shampoo, toilet paper, soap, laundry detergent.....etc.)

 

If you do have a job, will it give you enough money to pay rent, utilities, food, clothing, a car so you can go to work, gasoline for that car, general maintenance?........and do you have ANY idea how much those things cost? (Better take a look at your parents' bills...just for "fun"...you know...a dose of REALITY?) I promise you, it will make you think twice!

 

And this boyfriend who comes over to USE you three times a week? Oh yeah. Get pregnant and see how fast he disappears! He'll make Houdini look like an amateur! (and don't be fool enough to think it's "love", sweetie....at his age, he's only thinking with his LITTLE head! The fact he's behaving in such a selfish and disrespectful way right now by coming over to your grandmother's house and sleeping with you even though it's been made clear that he's not welcome, should give you a clue as to how he will treat you ! I'd hate for you to find that out the hard way.

 

I could go on, but, hopefully, you get the idea. Better to behave now and improve your present situation. And tell the boyfriend to take a hike!

I was just watching "family in crisis" and had to shut it offf and email you my thoughts. OK, the mom had some issues but it seems like she is trying to clean up her act. The step dad was trying to get the video camera from the dtr that is calling him every "F" word in the book and Dr. Phil says, Oh, you were abusing her. Guess what she deserves a little "abuse" that is what is wrong with kids these days. Let me tell you when my sons were growing up I was a single mom. I did not hit them because the schools were telling all of the kids, if your parents hit you that is abuse. I didn't want to lose my children, I love(d) them. But it gave my older child "license" to basically do whatever he wanted. Her was into drugs, he was stealing from me and who knows who else, he wouldn't come home for curfew and I had little recourse. I tried to take things away from him like TV but he would just go get it and plug it back in, I tried cutting off the plug but he just rewired it. I know , he was(is) a bright little sucker. Since he weighed about 200 pounds and I was 120 pounds, guess who got their way? I took him to couseling, I tried everything. The counselor said to try tough love but I was not prepared to turn my CHILD out onto the street. Thank GOD that he finally grew up and he is probably more conservative than I am now. I just have to laugh. But what got to me today on this show was Dr. Phils arrogance and the fact that you obviously DO NOT GET the trials that a lot of single or remarried moms have. They are always going to lose, either they are accused of taking the step fathers side or they are accused of taking the childrens side. IT IS NO wonder that poor woman drinks...it is probably the only peace she has gotten in the past 10+ years. So before you go off half cocked Dr. Phil, why don't you walk for a few days or at least get a focus group from women who have been their on what it is like in this sort of situation. Granted the woman abused a lot of substances but ask yourself what was she trying to run from or take a two hour vacation from. You just don't get it. It is so easy for you to sit there and judge. You have a good life, with one partner for the past 20 some years. Kids find your weakness(es) and exploit them, especially if they are smart kids.Not only that but they talk to other kids at school and get ideas from them. My son's used to respect curfew times until one of their friends said "what is she going to do if you don't come home on time? Ground you?" "What will she do when you just walk out of the house?" That is how they learn this stuff. I am just glad mine are grown and happy, healthy and doing well now. I feel sorry for the women who are still trying to do it and I give EVERY single mom credit for being there, even if they are not perfect Dr. Phil...few are perfect. So many men just take off and leave all of it up to the mom. I had NO help from my ex, not even financially. That is just how it is for the MAJORITY of single moms or remarried moms.Get down off of your high horse and start some focus groups for crying out loud.
 
July 10, 2008, 1:55 pm CDT

Mom needs to be a mom

This poor girl, its like watching a movie of my life about 6-8 years ago.  All this girl really wants is a mom....all she sees is that her mom defends the man over her no matter what and can't take the time to be her mom.  I was where that girl was and that's all i wanted.  This man doesn't even like her, he's not trying to settle anything.  I wish I could talk to the mom and tell her how rediculous she's acting.  She's gonna loose her daughter over a man.

 
July 10, 2008, 2:10 pm CDT

Are you kidding me....

Teenage girls are very manipulative.They have been raised in a very different world than their parents.30 years ago nobody knew the catch phrases..."disfunctional,emotional abuse,addicted...etc.Now teenagers take these catch phrases and manipulate what their true experiences were.Dr. Phil played right into that girls hands,what a joke.Her parents should be commended for not shaking some sense into that spoiled brat.EVERYBODY makes mistakes,cut those worn out parents a break,they deserve one.
 
July 10, 2008, 2:11 pm CDT

It totally can happen.

This can totally be fixed. I can relate with this girl. I grew up without a father and def. had issues of being stranded. My step dad came in and was the "punisher" of the family. My mom is bipolar and has major major major anger issues. I drank, I did drugs, I have sex, I stole...I was out of line!! Just like this girl. But you have to understand the plate she's been given. With abusive parents (which I had as well) it's like dealing with someone with split personalities when they beat the crap out of you, then tell you they love you! Kids, humans, adults, we all do things irrational when we are hurting.

 

I made the turn around where I realized I didn't want to be a drug attick, I didn't want to be pregnant at a young age, I wanted to be loved. That's what everyone longs for. When you don't have it, you do extreeme things to get it. I found the love of Christ and my life has totally changed!!! I totally beleive in the power of Him. You just have to trust it and seek it. He can fill that void. He has my life in his hands and he moved it and protects me everyday. You just have to seek him. I pray this girl can find it! And her unstable parents can get help!!!

 
July 10, 2008, 2:24 pm CDT

Dr Phil I disagree with your statment

Dr. Phil and other Step Parents out there..........

I watch your show often and love the advice you give. Even my children watch your show with me once in a while. I am a mother of three and I have never given birth. My husband and I have our two boys, they are from his first marriage and we have also adopted a little girl. Todays show though I disagree with your statement about step parents. Jeff I believe is a really bad example of a step parent. Tricia has a lot of work to do and needs to work on being a better example to her daughter. Caysha is only 13 years old and from my understanding has watched this behavior for a long wile now. Ones story begins at home and she only knows what has been taught to her. Sadly she is going to have to work really hard to change the behaviors that have been taught to her at home. I agree with all you said on the show with the exception of step parents. Step parents CAN have authority in the home. First of all I absoulity hate the word step parent. In the eyes of the court I am a step parent, to my two boys, I am there mother. I married my husband 13 years ago. His boys at the time were 3 and 5 years old. The day before we were to get married the court granted full custody to my husband. We then became a family. I said I do and gained 2. I became a mother. The boys biological mother for a long time was not in the picture very much at all. The boys have called me mom all there life. I have made many decisions for the boys in the way of dicipline, schools, outings, curfews, you name it as my husband does too. My husband and I work together and support each other when it comes to decisions and if we disagree we try to make sure we talk about it away from the boys. To date the boys are 17 and 19 and doing great. My husband still has full custody which will expire soon because the youngest boy will be 18. They have a better relationship today with there biological mom but all in all.I am there mother. I am not putting myself on a pedistole that is just how it has been here at our home. The oldest has for one year now served in the United States Air Force and the youngest is going to be a senior in High School. I could not be prouder of them. My husband and I have been there to help them and support them in all there needs, from puking in there beds all the way to prom and graduation. We live our lives as an example to them. I dont ask them to do things I would not do myself. Respect is earned in life not demanded. They may be young but they are people to. My boys have not always liked the decisions I have made on there behalf and have at times been very arngry with me, but all in all they come around. We try to talk in out and somtimes have yelled it out. But in the end, it ends with a hug and an I LOVE YOU. Those three little words are very powerful. So Step Parents, you can make a difference in the family. And you DO have a say in the relationship as a parent. You are not always second fiddle. If you choose to marry a person with children be ready to step to the plate and be a parent not just a step partent but a real parent. Get involved in there lives. Let them know you love them and are there for them.Help them make wise decisions so they can survive in this big crazy world...... And NEVER EVER disrespect there biological parent. That is the number one NO NO.. That will bite you in the butt every time becaue it is okay for them to trash there biological parents because they may be hurt, but you don't have the right too. Your job is to listen and give support in that area no matter how hard it may be.

 
 
July 10, 2008, 2:32 pm CDT

Sadly, no.

 As long as this child is given the power that, sadly, she has been given, no, this family cannot be saved.

I was very disheartened when watching the show because, unwittingly, Dr. Phil and the pastor, while addressing the child's inappropriate behaviour, tended to lay the bulk of the problem at the parents' doorstep.  No, I do not think that any child - given his or her vulnerability and inexperience - should be open to abuse; however, in Canada and, I suspect, in the United States of America, children's versions of events are taken at face value, and parents are made to explain themselves and their responses to clearly unreasonable behaviours.  This tends to reinforce to children that the parents are in the wrong and will be taken to task.   This, in turn, undermines parental authority in the house.

I don't believe that it is healthy to reinforce children's (natural) ego-centrism, particularly when it undermines parental decision-making and healthy family functioning.  Moreover, I would assert that some decisions are centred on the idea that  ``this is what helps the parents.``  For example, a child may wish to stay up until 4 o`clock in the morning in his or her parents`bed because his or her body-clock allows them to do so.  The argument is entirely reasonable, but for the fact that it may interfere with the parents` time to be by themselves.  However, society has adjusted itself around the notion that we must accommodate children.  In and of itself, this is a grossly inappropriate manner by which we should comport ourselves.  The function of parenting is to teach children how to orient themselves around others, thus ameliorating their their entirely egocentric view. Simply put, there are places where children should not be and decisions that they ought not to make.  Unfortunately, we do not do this; rather, we accommodate youths.  For example, there is no smoking allowed in bars in the city of Toronto, in which I live, because children ought not be exposed to second hand smoke.  What is not taken into account, however, is that no child ought to be in a bar in the first place.  There are places where children should be unwelcome.  And they should know that they are unwelcome in these places because these are adult spaces and certain activities (healthy or otherwise) that are open for adults to indulge in are not open for children or teenagers.  Rather, we have decided to infantilize adults.  No wonder, then, that children do not wish to grow up.  Drugs, alcohol, and sexual behaviour is theirs to enjoy... and they look better doing it because they are younger.

Bless them, but children, nowadays, are incredibly savvy and are keenly aware of their rights under the law.  This is all to the good, but they are less understanding of their responsibilities, given their age and their general naivite.  I would prefer that government agencies and your show assist parents in relaying to youngsters that, if children persist in anti-social activities, those children will lose their supposed entitlements (allowances, certain freedoms, etc.).  Instead, I, sadly, witness governmental authorities and you and your pastor explain to these children why their abusive behaviours (be they aimed at their parents or at society, as a whole) are explainable.  While I will not disagree that the children are acting out in some kind of emotional vortex, perhaps it would be better if the parents were taken aside, given assistance in handling their child's difficulties, and that the child be publicly remonstrated for his or her ill-considered actions.  Instead, I see the reverse.  The child is given support  and the parents are publicly chastised for their poor parenting skills.  Consequently, what I tend to witness are children who continue to abuse their families (because they do not understand the overall and future consequences of this, so-called, self-protective action) and parents who feel, with great remorse, that, to maintain the family`s overall integrity, the child needs to be removed from the home.

I recall a dear friend of mine who, witnessing her eldest child smacking another toddler with a sand bucket, asking her daughter why she was doing this.  It occurred to me that the primary lesson being learned was, in essence, ìf I give my mother a suffiently reasonable answer, I am justified in hutring another.`  I suggested to my friend that, first, she should address the socially inappropriate behaviour and insist that her daughter apologize.  First.  Only later should she assist her child in understanding what triggered the awful, damaging assault.  In short, sir, I believe that my friend had her responsibilities backwards.  Moreover, I believe that our social service agencies are doing, on a macrocosmic level, the same disserive to the next generation.  The advice given on your show, along with your general demeanour, mirrored this strange - to my mind - reshifting of focus.

Moreover, during your show, I witnessed a grinning child who appeared to believe that she could `push` her parents even further and parents who, at some point, will no longer assume responsibilities that they cannot possibly bear.  In short, dear Dr. Phil, I doubt that the parents will throw any further resources at their daugher, and I will not be shocked to learn, at some later time, that the parents have decided to `cut their losses` and give their daughter the freedom she so craves.  No one wins under these circumstances, least of all the child.  Human nature being what it is, the parents will save their own home, their own sanity, and their own relationship, and this will cost their daughter dearly.  To do otherwise, unfortunately, would be irrational and detrimental to any one else living in their home.

I know that you often exhort the participants in your talk show to review the tapes so that they might gain a greater perspective on their underlying behaviours.  In my humble opinion, I hope that you would do so too (though I am sure that you already do).

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to express my (digressive) view.  I wish you, Robin, your beautiful boys, and your wonderful staff all the best.  I would be interested in your feedback to the opinions I have expressed herein but easily recognize that, given the time constraints imposed upon you by your schedule, this may not be even remotely possible.  In the meantime, thank you for providing me with food for fodder, entertainment, and a forum from which I have a chance to grow.

Best regards,

Janet Futerman
(Toronto, Ontario, Canada)
 
July 10, 2008, 2:42 pm CDT

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

Is it possible the 14 year old daughter was (is) a survivor of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome to some degree?  This causes lasting psychological and psychosocial problems.  I understand just how easy it is to believe they come from the social setting, but it is also possible she needs to be checked for FAS.
 
July 10, 2008, 2:44 pm CDT

Burger King commerical

I agree with most of the information that I hear Dr. Phil speak on. However, I feel that he would perhaps do a service to his listening audience by screening the commercials/companies that sponsor his show. As we are getting information on disruptive and disorderly chidren, here comes a commercial for Burger King where the spineless mother is begging her daughter to eat an apple. The child responds rudely, "No", and spineless Mom keeps begging. In comes 'Dad' BK King to save the day. To top it off, Junior BK King comes in and kicks 'Dad' in the shin. Please, Dr. Phil, have someone screen your commercials. A society that continues to portray parents as weak by allowing their children to be in charge and rude does nothing but provide poor role models for our children and parents alike. I really feel like it was hipocracy at its best. I have also contacted Burger King and voiced my complete displeasure at the poor example this sets.

 

Yes, it's just a commercial...one of many that do nothing but continue to weaken the importance of strong parents.

 
July 10, 2008, 2:45 pm CDT

07/10 Can This Family Be Saved?

Dr. Phil said that the biological parent should be the one initiating and carrying out the discipline, but it would appear this mom is not able to do so, anymore than the step-dad.  What happens if the biological parent can not handle the situation?  Should the step-parent then step in. 

 
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