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Topic : 07/10 Can This Family Be Saved?

Number of Replies: 99
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Created on : Thursday, July 03, 2008, 01:04:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
An out-of-control teenager, allegations of physical and verbal abuse, a marriage on the rocks — you name it; this family drama has it all. Along with Bishop T.D. Jakes, renowned pastor and author of Reposition Yourself, Dr. Phil has advice for bringing calm to the chaos. Tricia had to move out of her house because her husband, Jeff, couldn’t handle her rebellious 13-year-old daughter, Caysha. Tricia says Caysha curses, skips school, and has unprotected sex. Caysha says she isn't the only one at fault. She says her stepdad, Jeff, is controlling, insults her constantly, and even calls the cops to discipline her! Is reconciliation possible? Then, Bishop Jakes has a heart-to-heart talk with the teen. Find out what she says is the major cause of the chaos in her household. And, Caysha joins her parents and Bishop Jakes onstage. Is boot camp the answer for the troubled teen? Is it too late for Tricia to begin setting boundaries for Caysha and start healing her family? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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July 10, 2008, 3:04 pm CDT

I believe this family can be saved

Wow, thank God for people like Bishop Jakes & Dr. Phil..... My heart goes to Caysha more so because she is still a child, even thou she is 14 yrs of age. While watching the show I was hoping to hear Tricia say to her daughter, Caysha "I LOVE YOU", but she never did, in fact her body language showed no feelings towards her daughter. Jeff on the other like Dr. Phil said it has been a losing battle from day one. Being a step-parent is not easy, I know cause I'm one. The good thing about my situation is that my husband's daughter are already adults with children of their as mine are too. In saying this, I agree with Dr. Phil about Jeff staying away from Tricia & Caysha until all of them get help and know when the time is right to get back together.

 
July 10, 2008, 3:12 pm CDT

wrong....

I have to say that I absolutely disagree with Dr Phil from today's show.  He said that the step parent can never be the disciplinarian in the household.  I am a step mother to a 10 year old boy, and I am the enforcer.  He and I also have the best relationship out of anyone in his family and are the closest.  It is possible for the step parent to play the role of the disciplinarian.  In our case, (it is rare, but it is so) we do everything to make our son's life normal.  Both of his parents are in his life, he has 2 step parents, and we all get along great.  He is the center of our universe, and he has never seen a negative thing between any of us.  He is a great child, but when there is a problem, I am the one out of the 4 of us that deals with it.  I have the time to take and explain to him what he did wrong, and he reacts well to it., and we never have the same problem again.  I am no psychologist, but I will correct Dr. Phil from today's show and tell you that it is possible in some families, just unfortunately not all.
 
July 10, 2008, 3:15 pm CDT

can this family be saved

I totally disagree with Dr. Phil. My husband and I have been married for 25 years, We have 2 children, biologically 1 from each of us. However, we have NEVER refered to our children as anything but OUR children. There is no talk of 'step' anyone. When we got married we made sure when we said 'I do' that the whole family said 'I do'. Control was never an issue. We parented our children together and supported each other when discipline was necessary. And it was done without hitting, slapping or being verbally abusive to the children or each other. If you truly want to be together and be a family unit you work at doing so. So, Dr. Phil, bad call.
 
July 10, 2008, 3:22 pm CDT

07/10 Can This Family Be Saved?

Quote From: redfire815

I totally disagree with Dr. Phil. My husband and I have been married for 25 years, We have 2 children, biologically 1 from each of us. However, we have NEVER refered to our children as anything but OUR children. There is no talk of 'step' anyone. When we got married we made sure when we said 'I do' that the whole family said 'I do'. Control was never an issue. We parented our children together and supported each other when discipline was necessary. And it was done without hitting, slapping or being verbally abusive to the children or each other. If you truly want to be together and be a family unit you work at doing so. So, Dr. Phil, bad call.
Absolutely!  That is how we do it.  my step son is my SON, and nothing less.  The only reason that I am the one who talks to him when he misbehaves (not hits, not spanks, but talks) is because I am a stay at home mom, and we spend our time together.  My husband wants to come home and play ball with his son when he gets home.  So I make sure that if there was an issue, it is taken care of before he gets home.  I hate the term step....why should there even be a word in front of child.  You shouldn't marry someone if you don't want to be a parent to their children.
 
July 10, 2008, 3:41 pm CDT

07/10 Can This Family Be Saved?

Quote From: jdyashton

I was just watching "family in crisis" and had to shut it offf and email you my thoughts. OK, the mom had some issues but it seems like she is trying to clean up her act. The step dad was trying to get the video camera from the dtr that is calling him every "F" word in the book and Dr. Phil says, Oh, you were abusing her. Guess what she deserves a little "abuse" that is what is wrong with kids these days. Let me tell you when my sons were growing up I was a single mom. I did not hit them because the schools were telling all of the kids, if your parents hit you that is abuse. I didn't want to lose my children, I love(d) them. But it gave my older child "license" to basically do whatever he wanted. Her was into drugs, he was stealing from me and who knows who else, he wouldn't come home for curfew and I had little recourse. I tried to take things away from him like TV but he would just go get it and plug it back in, I tried cutting off the plug but he just rewired it. I know , he was(is) a bright little sucker. Since he weighed about 200 pounds and I was 120 pounds, guess who got their way? I took him to couseling, I tried everything. The counselor said to try tough love but I was not prepared to turn my CHILD out onto the street. Thank GOD that he finally grew up and he is probably more conservative than I am now. I just have to laugh. But what got to me today on this show was Dr. Phils arrogance and the fact that you obviously DO NOT GET the trials that a lot of single or remarried moms have. They are always going to lose, either they are accused of taking the step fathers side or they are accused of taking the childrens side. IT IS NO wonder that poor woman drinks...it is probably the only peace she has gotten in the past 10+ years. So before you go off half cocked Dr. Phil, why don't you walk for a few days or at least get a focus group from women who have been their on what it is like in this sort of situation. Granted the woman abused a lot of substances but ask yourself what was she trying to run from or take a two hour vacation from. You just don't get it. It is so easy for you to sit there and judge. You have a good life, with one partner for the past 20 some years. Kids find your weakness(es) and exploit them, especially if they are smart kids.Not only that but they talk to other kids at school and get ideas from them. My son's used to respect curfew times until one of their friends said "what is she going to do if you don't come home on time? Ground you?" "What will she do when you just walk out of the house?" That is how they learn this stuff. I am just glad mine are grown and happy, healthy and doing well now. I feel sorry for the women who are still trying to do it and I give EVERY single mom credit for being there, even if they are not perfect Dr. Phil...few are perfect. So many men just take off and leave all of it up to the mom. I had NO help from my ex, not even financially. That is just how it is for the MAJORITY of single moms or remarried moms.Get down off of your high horse and start some focus groups for crying out loud.

I respect your opinion; thank you for contributing.

 

But, just so you know: I was also a single mom. I raised three kids on my own as well...and it definitely was NOT easy! I feel sorry for every single mom out there!

 

My kids also had a step-dad...but, he was NOT allowed to come in and start disciplining; it was my job because my kids were already teenagers when he came into the picture. He was respectful to them, as they were to him.  I was very strict with my kids; they learned respect from the time they were tiny....and I didn't feel the need to use physical punishment as the first line of defense, (nor did I give up and start drinking when they drove me nuts!) When you hit them, all you teach is that you aren't creative enough to figure out their "currency".

 

As for your cutting off the plug of your son's TV and him rewiring it....my next step would have been either to throw the TV into the trash in a bazillion pieces or to store it at the home of one of my friends where he didn't know where it was...along with every other thing he valued.

 

One example of what I mean by "creative parenting" is this: when my son was young, he took something that didn't belong to him. I immediately and totally stripped his room down to the bare walls. He had a mattress on the floor, a pillow, sheet and blanket. Period. I told him this is how it feels when someone takes something from you...(the lesson was to teach him empathy for the victim, and also what it would be like if he was tossed into jail with no possessions except for a mattress, pillow, blanket and sheet!) He had to earn back every single thing he had, and I didn't make it easy.

 

The lessons I taught ALL my kids from the time they were toddlers is that there are rules; it's never okay to break them...and if you do there are consequences....and I WILL outlast you! (If I put you in your bed and you get out, I will put you back as many times as it takes until you get the message; you will NOT wear me down!) Pick your battles wisely, but once you draw those lines of battle you do not back down!

 

They are all grown, successful,  and have families of their own...and they are quite creative parents themselves. :)

 
July 10, 2008, 3:41 pm CDT

Reply

Quote From: jdyashton

I was just watching "family in crisis" and had to shut it offf and email you my thoughts. OK, the mom had some issues but it seems like she is trying to clean upop her act. The step dad was trying to get the video camera from the dtr that is calling him every "F" word in the book and Dr. Phil says, Oh, you were abusing her. Guess what she desearves a littler"abuse" that is what is wrong wioth kids these days. Let me tell you when my sons were groqwing up I was a single mom. I did not hit them because the schools were telling all of the kids, if your parents hit you that is abuse. I did't want to lose my children, I love them. But it gave my older child "license" to basically do whatever he wanted. Her was into drugs, he was stealing from me and who knows who else, he wouldn't come home for curfew and I had little recourse. I tried to take things away from him like TV but he would just go get it and plug it back in, I tried cutting off the plug but he just rewired it. I know , he is a bright little sucker. Since he weigjed about 200pounds and I was 120 pounds, guess who got their way? I took him to couseling, I tried everything. The counselor said to try tough love but I was un prepared to turn my CHILD out onto the street. Thank GOD that he finally grew up and he is probably more conservative than I am now. I just have to laugh. But what got to me today on thios show was Dr. Phils arrogance and the fact that you obviously DO NOT GET the trials that a loyt of single or remarried moms have. They are always going to lose, either they are accused of taking the step fathers side or they are accused of taking the step childrens side. IT IS NO wonder that poor woman drinks...it is probably the only peace she has gotten in the past 10+ years. So before you gop off half cocked Dr. Phils, why don't you walk for a fe3w days or at least get a focus group from women who have been their on what it is like in this sort of situation. Granted the woman abused a lot of substances but ask yourself what was she trtying to run from or take a two hour vacation from. You just don't get it. It is so easy for you to sit there and judge. You have a good life, with one partner for the past 20 some years. Kids find your weakness(es) and exploit them, especially if they are smart kids.Get down off of you high horse and start some focus groups for crying out loud.

You said,

 

"But what got to me today on thios show was Dr. Phils arrogance and the fact that you obviously DO NOT GET the trials that a loyt of single or remarried moms have"

 

Based on the information you described above, I firmly believe that YOU don't get it.  Of course single mothers have to struggle more than married ones; they have to complete the job of two people.  However, you justified the stepfather's abuse of the daughter because she was using curse language.  In no way is physical abuse ever justifiable.  The stepfather is creating a horrible example and you excuse it?  Any decent parent is not going to curse their child, let alone assault them.  Did you not notice the part when he said, "Go get pregnant and get some STD's too?" How is this type of mocking dialogue supposed to encourage the stepdaugther to lead a positive life?  Then you later excuse the mother's substance abuse by saying she needed a "2 hour vacation."  Good parents don't abuse drugs and if they want a vacation they hire a sitter, take the kids to the grandparents or find some alone time to unwind.  They don't snort up some substance to "escape."  Their problems will still be there after the high. 

 

It appears that you and the mother in this story made some of the same mistakes.  You stated you were 120 pounds and your son was 200.  So what?  The correct thing to do is to instill rules and boundaries when the kids are young so that by the time that they are older then they will already know what is expected of them.  In the story's situation the mother was not "present" during her daughter's formative years.  Now she is playing catch up like it appears you may have been as well.  You also stated that the school's rules prevented you from discipling your child.  That's obviously not true.  They prevented you from not hitting your children.  The definition of discipline is not equivalent to hitting. 

 

Again, I agree that single mothers have it harder.  But you can either let the situation have control over you or you can control the situation.  I had my first child at 16, my second at 19, and raised them both single-handedly.  I put myself through college and even graduate school, worked, and even though my time was often limited, I instilled positive values, encouraging language, and hope in my children's lives.  Single parents can be great parents and I firmly believe that Dr. Phil was absolutely correct in the assessment of this family. 

 
July 10, 2008, 3:43 pm CDT

when the tail does the wagging

 As Dr. Phil pointed out, the tail is wagging the dog here -- mom is intimidated by her daughter. But I think htat often happens when a teen acts worse in response to consequences, instead of better. Hopefully the resources Phil is providing will help them break this pattern
 
July 10, 2008, 3:56 pm CDT

07/10 Can This Family Be Saved?

Quote From: misscenterway

I agree with most of the information that I hear Dr. Phil speak on. However, I feel that he would perhaps do a service to his listening audience by screening the commercials/companies that sponsor his show. As we are getting information on disruptive and disorderly chidren, here comes a commercial for Burger King where the spineless mother is begging her daughter to eat an apple. The child responds rudely, "No", and spineless Mom keeps begging. In comes 'Dad' BK King to save the day. To top it off, Junior BK King comes in and kicks 'Dad' in the shin. Please, Dr. Phil, have someone screen your commercials. A society that continues to portray parents as weak by allowing their children to be in charge and rude does nothing but provide poor role models for our children and parents alike. I really feel like it was hipocracy at its best. I have also contacted Burger King and voiced my complete displeasure at the poor example this sets.

 

Yes, it's just a commercial...one of many that do nothing but continue to weaken the importance of strong parents.

I couldn't agree with you more!  I have been appalled by this commercial since the very first time I saw it!  I, too, will be contacting Burger King. 

 

When did parents stop being PARENTS & start allowing their children to RULE the roost?

 
July 10, 2008, 4:21 pm CDT

different strokes...

Quote From: alli0721

Absolutely!  That is how we do it.  my step son is my SON, and nothing less.  The only reason that I am the one who talks to him when he misbehaves (not hits, not spanks, but talks) is because I am a stay at home mom, and we spend our time together.  My husband wants to come home and play ball with his son when he gets home.  So I make sure that if there was an issue, it is taken care of before he gets home.  I hate the term step....why should there even be a word in front of child.  You shouldn't marry someone if you don't want to be a parent to their children.
 it'sgreatthat you some of you find that you can successfully step into the role of "parent" to your spouse's child. but it doesnt work for all blended families. ive sen cases where kids resented it terribly.this is especially true, i think, if the kid is a teenager or even in junior high. even more so if there have been other stepparents. or if the new parent wants to change the rules or discipline in the house (even if he or she is "right"). so i think most couples ahve to give this a lot of thought. and the older the kid is , the more slowly they need to proceed, as far as bringing the stepparent into a parent role, if at all.
 
July 10, 2008, 4:32 pm CDT

Discipline and Blended Families

This one if for Dr. Phil: I am sooo tired of hearing you quote your book regarding "blended families" stating that the "step" mother or "step" father should not take the lead in disciplining their spouse's children.  (Judge Judy also is misinformed).  I successfully raised a blended family.  I had two sons (5 and 6) and met my to be husband who also had two sons (4 and 7) making four sons 4,5,6 and 7.  We married 2-1/2 years later and within 1-1/2 his sons moved to stay with us permanently.  The boys were 8,9,10 & 11.  My husband worked from 5 in the morning and got home around 8-9 o'clock at night.  I worked out of the house evenings transcribing Court testimony due in back in court the next a.m.  This allowed me to get up at 6, make breakfast for 4 children, make 4 lunches and carpool to 2 schools on either side of town.  Since my husband was gone working hard so we could keep our home, I was the ONLY disciplinarian around.  Should I have waited for my husband to arrive home and wake up his children to set them straight?  NO.  I had one rule and one rule only.  RIGHT IS RIGHT AND WRONG IS WRONG.  This applied to all four boys and the consequences for their actions were the same for each offense.  Guess what?  IT WORKED!!  We now have four grown men, ages 29,30,31 and 32.  They are all self-sufficient, good husbands and fathers and I am extremely proud of each one of them.  I am very well aware that 2 of the boys have a mother and the other 2 have a father that did not live with us.  They were taught to respect and love them, but in the meantime, we were and always will be a family!  What is the big deal with this!  Children love consistency and even discipline.  Sometimes it is just as easy as making a nutritious breakfast.  You don't demand respect...you earn it...boy oh boy do you ever earn it!  Please re-think your position Dr. Phil, and by the way, if you finally agree with me, tell Judge Judy too!  Thanks.  Dianne

 
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