Topic : 08/25 Know-it-All Sisters

Dr Phil,

 

I had 5 sisters, the eldest died in 2000 of a brain aneursym so now there's 4 left.  I'm second to the youngest now.  I use to be closest to the youngest sister, but recently, she became distant.  I'm the only sister who has never been married and whose been a single mom.  Unfortunately, two of my sisters hold that against me.  Since 05 I've had many medical problems and have had financial problems but have come through those storms.  Currently I'm awaiting surgery on my right arm.  Unfortunately, the soft tissues in my arms is bad and need surgery.  I can't collect unemployment, or work and have no means to support me and my kids but with my faith will get through this.  I asked my younger sister to borrow me money for just a few days until I got my last unemployment check because it was my first appointment with the orthopedic surgeon and I didn't want to miss it and she wouldn't help me and loan me $10 in gas money.  I called the sister above me and she helped me.  I was so hurt that my younger sister would not be there for me.  I was returning her money in a few days.  The younger sister and the eldest sister now have trashed talked my other sister.  Before I even moved home in 99' to be closer to my family, my one sister wrote me a letter and told me not to expect to come home and get any type of help or support from anyone because I chose to have my kids and put myself in the financial situation I am in now I need to deal with it myself.  My children where raised in the south most of their lives and around their family members who are african american and so so close to each other.  They were not use to how my family treats me and chose not to really be around them much.  Since the loss of my mom to suicide and my dad to cancer at a young age, no matter where I lived I always visited every family member.  But no one would come to see me.  Till this day, my family doesn't come to my apt to visit.  The one sister and I have grown closer thanks to God and our faith.  She understands now how important our relationship is and that no matter who you marry, or how you choose to live your life I have no right to judge or ridicule you.  Some days I wish I could move back south just to have the closeness I so miss on a daily basis with my own family.  I call, visit and do what I have to just to keep the connection because when God calls me home I want to be able to answer to Him that I did everything that He wanted me to to keep the bond and what was right.  It breaks my heart that we have already had so much loss in our lives as a family and how that only made our family more distant than closer, I just can't understand.  I miss my sisters that I have no connection with as well as the 2 brothers I have.  Life is too short, so precious and need my family.  I'm sorry they can't find it in their hearts to love me and my children as human beings but only see us a statistic in today's society.  It hurts to have family treat me as I were a piece of dirt swept up in the garbage.  If they only knew how much they have hurt not just only me.........but their neice and nephews as well.  My relationship with my brothers, the eldest has helped me throughout the years, does not judge me and tells me that I have a wonderful family.  The younger of the brothers is very distant.  My kids will tell you that when they get older and if any of them treat each other like this, they will be at their front door.  They know this is not how family acts no matter if you live in the north, south, east or west.  Love is love, it should never be this hard to just want it, especially from your sisters.   I cry trying to type as this is really hurting my arm, but I had to just speak my heart to those who have sisters.........love them, eat dinners together, go on vacations together if you can afford it, be sisters..............not strangers.

 

Thanks for the ear....

 

Janet G

Wisconsin

hello,

i feel your pain and acknowledge it...but heres a small glimpse into our current situation--my husband and his brother went into business together and after 12 years his brothers wife has managed to changed everything---his brother is now into meth and has stolen all the money from the business and locked us out and has tried to ruin our name around our small town...now we're into legal and it's costing us all that we have managed to save over the years and now we're on the edge of loosing everything including whats left of the business that we started...and the worst part of all of this----we are trying to start a youth foundation and now having to put it on the back burner as we can no longer afford the cost of it!!!!  HELP we're loosing everything due to drugs and stupidity.....and running out of tears!!!!!

                                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                upset in arizona,

                                                                                                                     kris

 

You know, the bottom line is that your brother is an adult, and if he really wanted to talk to you, he would, regardless of his wife. She wouldn't be able to stop him.

 

Sometimes, people allow others to speak for them because they don't have the guts to speak for themselves......is that maybe the case with your brother?

 

I truly hope you are able to resolve the issues.....time is so fickle...and so short.

This Message is for the twin sisters on todays show.  My sister and I are total opposites, I am more conservitive and Shelly is more artsy , free spirit and impulsive pick up and go kind of person.  It took me 46 years before I learned that difference is ok with siblings , "Night and Day Difference".  I wasted more time trying to get my sister to see my way of thinking and I thought I had all the answers to growing up responsible and obedient etc.  Now ,just in the passed few years, I told my sister that it was not my job to critizise her choices on men,clothes,life style,and everything else that did not seem right to me.  Looking back I had such a judgemental attitude.  When I finnally told her this, she starting treating me diffrently, and our relationship got better and better month after month and week after week,  we call each other more she wants to be around me more (now that we do not judge each).  I wish we would of done this years ago and stopped wasting sweet precious time.  You both have such sweet spirits in your own way !!!  If you except each other for your differences,you will really be surprised how much you can learn about each other.  Start now while you are young,because you both will need each other one day more than you realize.  I wish you both the very best

 

Joy

As a mother of three, I know I must show my children respect in order to get that respect back.  Just because I was blessed (yes that is how I feel) with a twin sister does not mean she DESERVES respect.  As in most relationships there is a leader and a follower.  Or another way to say it, a dominant and a recessive personality.  I was the follower, the more recessive twin.  I was the one in the shadows while my twin sored in the lime light.  Then after high school, we went our separate ways.  I seemed to have soared achieving all my goals and my twin fell short.  I learned to be strong, and become a leader, and not be the door mate i often was to my twin.  I no longer fit the accustomed role in our relationship.   We went from speaking daily to hardly ever.  Yes it is sad, but I also have too much respect for myself to be walked on anymore.  Will this ever heal?  It would mean changing who we are.  I love the woman I have become.

     I don't suppose I am any different than other siblings, other than I am unable to get along with my sister, who is three years older than me.   As children she tormented me and it would get to the point where we would physically fight.  As we got older, I thought we would be able to find a middle ground and become friends.  I miss having my sister for a friend, someone you can trust.  I always get the feeling (intuition) she is secretly pleased about any misfortune of mine.   All sisters and brothers have disagreements at some point, and we have had ours.  But, any disagreement goes to character assassinations by my sister and leaves the problem unresolved.  My biggest problem is keeping the rift from becoming known to my parents who are 91 and 83.  So, I acknowledge her when in the presence of them, but have no other contact with her.  I am sure I am not fooling anyone, but no one wants to open the can of worms.  After my parents are gone, we will be done as well.   

     

I think thats funny the blonde thinks shes better than her sister!!! what gives her the right to think shes better? her sister is just living a DIFFERENT life than she is! Thinking shes better than her sister is only going to push her sister away...I have a younger brother who is the "perfect" one and it was because we were treated differently! Maybe the mom did not treat the twins the same way growing up!

Usually I agree with Dr. Phil, but I'm having a tough time with this one.  I just read something in the article about dealing with sibling rivalry which stated that the anger and dysfunction in your sibling relationship WILL spill into your other relationships.  It said that without a good sibling relationship, you can't be a good wife, mother, etc.  I have to totally disagree with that statement.  My sister and I have been completely different all our lives.  I have been the "better" sister always, and have always had more expected of me.  She has always been essentially useless and has been given handout after handout and excuse after excuse has been made for her behavior and lack of ambition by everyone she comes across...except me.  I have been angry about this for many years.  I think she uses people to the extreme and I'm embarrassed by how she lives her life.  I steer as clear of her as I can, and try my best not to associate with people she associates with because I don't want them to think we are alike in any way.  However, I don't believe this relationship (or lack there of) has anything to do with my great marriage to my husband of 13 years, nor the way I interact with my children.  When I ask myself the question Dr. Phil asked the girls on the panel today about their sister dying today, I come up with a different answer.  I of course would attend her funeral out of respect to my parents, but would I miss her or feel bad for things I said or didn't say to her?  I don't think I would. 

There is 14 years difference between my younger sister and I. When she was little, I adored her and had her with me much of the time. When my kids came along, she was nearly like one of my own and spent much time at my house. Our parents were both alcoholics and our family life with them was terrible. As time went on, she eventually married a great guy and our parents passed away. With this came a dramatic turn of events. In her mind, my parents were catapolted into instand sainthood while I became the bad guy. Her kids came along and the intensity increased substantially, with her becoming mother-earth and all knowing. Any advice I offered was twisted by a very active imagination on her part. For example, I told her about a newstory in my end of the country (she was pregnant at the time) where the baby of a new mother was having breast-feeding complications. The mother repeatedly returned to the doctor saying something was wrong - only to be ignored and the baby died of dehydration The purpose behind my telling her was to say, if you think something is wrong with your baby, don't let any doctor tell you there isn't . Her interpretation was that I was against breast feeding. That's the way she saw it and that's the way it stayed - period and she repeated this to my daughter when she was pregnant. My love for my kids and the way we raised them was critized time and again, among other issues. The arguments escalated until today, years later, we barely speak (I am 58 and she is 44).

 

Several years ago, I finally decided the relationship was more painful to continue than to let go. In doing so, I experienced what I can only compare to a death and it led to a 2-year mourning period, with my husband being the only witness to my pain. If there is a way for you twin sisters to nip this in the bud, I would urge you to do so now before it's too late. My heart will be forever broken in this respect. Don't let this happen to you. 

What right does she have to email her sisters boyfriends sister anyway??? Then to trash her to the bf's sister??? ya with a sister like that who needs enemies!!! she needs to mind her own business or shes gonna lose her sister for good!!! I would NOT tolorate that from anyone from my family if you have a problem with me, talk to me about it, don't email my in-laws!!! The girl needs to find a hobby and butt out of her sisters life!