First off I want to say that I am an ordinary person and part of an ordinary couple just like Andy and Theresa and I am really passionate about their situation because I was $176,000 in debt (not including our mortgage, car payments etc. it was all credit card debt) and our marriage was in the same shape. Our debt was a result of an extra-marital affair on my husbands part and my reaction came in the form of spending and over indulging to make myself feel better and in a way to punish him. Our debt is now down to $63,000 and you CAN get through this with your marriage in tact. It is not easy but it is possible.
I will give you the abbreviated version of what worked for us. First off we did go to therapy but I am not sure that was the best move. It put us very a lot further in debt and in the end it was the two of us who had to work through it. The therapy did help us get past the anger and rebuild trust. I do think a short term amount of therapy can help with the anger Andy feels and the hurt that Theresa feels from the abusive statements but long term therapy can be a drain both monetarily and emotionally. I felt we could not get past our situation because we were rehashing it every week in therapy so eventually we decided to give the therapy up and for us it was a good decison.
First off, you can only go forward. If you are both (and both is the key here) truly sorry for your past actions then accept each others apologies and move on. I know it is easier said then done but just chip away little by little and these behaviors will improve. But you both have to be very cautious not to fall into the blame game. Of course there will be temporary set backs but the important part is to move beyond them quickly and let them go.
I also strongly agree with what Dr. Phil said with respects to Andy's working. Of course this is part of the reason for Theresa's spending. She needs you to be there and Theresa needs to figure out what triggers her spending. For me it was the retaliation for the affair and to fill the void of my husbands long work hours.
In the end my husband worked extremely hard to earn back my trust and he sucked it up a lot when I would through it up in his face during fights and difficult times. While this seems counter productive and in some ways it was, it did help me to really know that he was allowing me to work through the anger I had. He let me vent and that made me secure in knowing that he did have true remorse. I think this is where Theresa has to really try hard. Andy is angry and rightfully so. However, this does not give Andy the right to be verbally abusive.
In the end your marriage shoud be the two of you against the world. You are both on each other's side. Be your spouses best ally. The one thing that really helped me was a comment Dr. Phil made on a show several years ago when our relationship was really at a turning point. He said something to the effect of "if you were witnessing someone talking to (or treating) your husband the way you are talking to him you would aggressively defend him. You would not stand for someone to treat him that disrespectful. If you would not allow a stranger to talk to him that way, how can you, the person who is supposed to love him so much, talk to him that way?" I think this applies to your situation. You would never allow someone to steal from your husband so why on earth would it be OK for you to do this when you are his life partner? And conversly Andy would never let someone talk so abusively to Theresa so why would he think it is OK for him to treat her that way. And lastly since I am somewhat religious when I am in the heat of an arguement or doing something I know is counter productive I try to take a deep breath and think to myself "if God where standing in the background witnessing this would I be acting this way? Probably not. If my husband were to die right that very minute would what we are fighting about be so important. In most cases not - of course sometimes I am so mad that it doesn't always work but it has helped me to a certain degree. i know it sounds hokey and it may not be for everyone but find out what does work for you. Additionally, some medicaton did help me curb the sensation of the high I got when I was spending. I think for me there was definitly a chemical component.
This is not a short journey my husband and I have been married 16 years and the above story covers the last 10 years of it. When I used a debt calculator in 2006 to figure out how long it would take us to get out of debt it said 2012. I was extremely dejected but the alternative was to do nothing and keep going down the same path. Luckly we are ahead of schedule so that offers some relief and gives us light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a long struggle but I will never be there again. I regret all of the junk that I purchased as most of it just bogged me down and has since wound up at Good WillI. I think of all the vacations I missed, all of the many more years we will have to work before retiring but at least I am that much closer to those goals now. I do still shop for enjoyment but it is much more controlled and sensible.
You both can do this and I wish you all the success in the world. Hang in there and have faith in each other and God.
Are you stuck in a rut? Learn how to get out of it now before it's too late! Dr. Phil welcomes Bishop T.D. Jakes back to the show. He's a renowned pastor and motivational speaker, and his book, Reposition Yourself, inspires people to live life without limits! First up is Theresa, who admits she’s been lying to her husband, Andy, about her spending habits for the past four years. She says their debt is about $13,000, but Andy says it’s a lot more than that. He calls his wife a liar and a thief, and he’s recently moved out. Can their marriage be saved or is it too late? See what Bishop Jakes thinks. Then, Kelly says all the men she dates end up cheating on her, and she doesn’t know how she can ever trust a man again. What is she doing wrong? And, Yvonne worries about her 23-year-old daughter, Amanda, because she says she makes poor choices in boyfriends. After a look at her dating history, does she have a right to be concerned, or should she butt out of her daughter’s life? Tell us what you think!
