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Topic : 08/27 The Bishop is Back!

Number of Replies: 44
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Created on : Thursday, August 21, 2008, 04:06:33 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you stuck in a rut? Learn how to get out of it now before it's too late! Dr. Phil welcomes Bishop T.D. Jakes back to the show. He's a renowned pastor and motivational speaker, and his book, Reposition Yourself, inspires people to live life without limits! First up is Theresa, who admits she’s been lying to her husband, Andy, about her spending habits for the past four years. She says their debt is about $13,000, but Andy says it’s a lot more than that. He calls his wife a liar and a thief, and he’s recently moved out. Can their marriage be saved or is it too late? See what Bishop Jakes thinks. Then, Kelly says all the men she dates end up cheating on her, and she doesn’t know how she can ever trust a man again. What is she doing wrong? And, Yvonne worries about her 23-year-old daughter, Amanda, because she says she makes poor choices in boyfriends. After a look at her dating history, does she have a right to be concerned, or should she butt out of her daughter’s life? Tell us what you think!

Find out what happened on the show.

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August 27, 2008, 6:32 pm CDT

08/27 The Bishop is Back!

Quote From: PennyLane78

This is an addictive behavior. Clearly. You get a high off of spending money. Your body produces chemicals that get you HIGH when you do this. You need to go to a qualified therapist who has dealt with this kind of addiction before. You need to stick to it, go every week, do the HARD WORK that your therapist will ask you to do. You will have to find healthier ways to get that "high"...

I am not going to condone your husbands abuse. But you've been financially abusing your family for 20 years.

Go to therapy. Don't say it costs too much because there is no way that it's not a very real financial investment for your family to find a way to plug up this hole. Your addictive spending is a hole in the wallet of your family.  You need to figure out how to stop getting high off of spending money. I really do wish you luck. This will sound corny, but you have to WANT to want to change.
thank you ...I appreciate your advice...however my husband will not pay for me to get a therapist he just thinks I should stop spending even though I have tried ...I spend only on our three kids and the house...I spend absolutely nothing on myself . He thinks this time since he did not help me out and I am paying with my own money I will stop. I am praying too for strength. I don't like how I feel after when the bills come and I have  to be afraid of my husband reaction. It is not fun but yes it is nice when we are buying and out eating.My kids are now helping me by saying no when I want to buy them something unless it is cash .thank you again...
 
August 27, 2008, 6:45 pm CDT

08/27 The Bishop is Back!

Quote From: soniaagent411

thank you ...I appreciate your advice...however my husband will not pay for me to get a therapist he just thinks I should stop spending even though I have tried ...I spend only on our three kids and the house...I spend absolutely nothing on myself . He thinks this time since he did not help me out and I am paying with my own money I will stop. I am praying too for strength. I don't like how I feel after when the bills come and I have  to be afraid of my husband reaction. It is not fun but yes it is nice when we are buying and out eating.My kids are now helping me by saying no when I want to buy them something unless it is cash .thank you again...
Well, it does sound like you have a support system in a way.

But therapy would be an incredible tool for you. And insurance covers some of the cost more  often than people think. I wish I could recommend a book for you. But I don't know a lot about shopping addictions.

I do wish you the best...I see addiction as something that may have once been the fault of the addicted person, but not any longer.

It's like a person who drives off a cliff and then in mid-air decides they don't want to drive off a cliff anymore. It's too late for them to turn around on their own.
 
August 27, 2008, 7:03 pm CDT

crazy is not really how i would

Quote From: ladyfair60

 Dear Dr. Phil,                        

when I saw the show today I knew I had to contacted you, I have been in a relationship with a man for about 1yr. but just about 4months into the relationship he cheated on me, but I took him back and thought he stop'ed seeing her. But then about 1month after the year we had been together I found out he was seeing her again. During the time we were together he didn't work a lot he would work 2 days and be off 2 weeks, I am disable and do not make a lot of money, the bills where not getting paid and he wouldn't work said he was sick but Dr.'s  can't find any thing wrong, but he was spending $700.00 on beer and cigarettes. Our water was turned off and I had no money to get it back on nor did he, so he called his mom and she gave him $200.00 to help with the bills but when he got home he would not give me any of it to help and he left that day. My family and friends helped get the water on and to help with other things, also I kept his things that I could sell and did so to help get my bills caught up....Now it has been 2months and he wants to come back, he knows he maid a big mistake and he loves me, but I find out she is getting evicted from her apt. and he will have to work to help pay rent because she only makes minimum wage and cannot pay rent and utility alone. So I am so worried if i take him back it is just because he needs a place to live, not because he loves me, but I love him and I am having a very hard time. I know I should not take him back, but I love him and miss him, I have made some rules for him that he has to change but I just don't think that will happen.. OH also he is a transvestite, and wants to be with her girlfriend sometimes...... HELP I KNOW I AM CRAZY!!!

 

describe what you are contemplating. You are weighing the pros and cons of taking this person back into you life, and even though the cons far out weigh the pros you are still considering it, maybe even forcing yourself to believe you are getting a good deal...

He is a user, that is what he does he uses people , untill he has no more use for them then throws them over board for something better.

He didn't make a mistake, he made a choice, he is looking for easy street and has little regard for the people he hurts to find it.

Love is not a feeling it is an action, what actions has he shown you that shows his love for you...?

give yourself time, as much as you need, and belive me the "feelings" you are feeling right now will change. If you allow your feelings to guide your head you will find your self being used again, by your own choice, you deserve way better than that!

Being disabled does not make you less worthy of love, respect, dignity and decency!

This person only sees you as a way out, not as a person that he wants to commit to and make a life with.

however, the choice is entirely yours, adn the consequences are yours to live with, i just hope that you find enough self love, to tell this user to hit the highway, cuz he may be selling a lie, but your not buying.

Tammy

 

 

 
August 27, 2008, 7:27 pm CDT

Religion and Psychology

I have no problem w/ T.D. Jakes and his advice was not "religious" in nature. He seems like a very wise man. However, he is identified with religion - a specific religion - and I feel this will ostracize some viewers. I hope this isn't going to become a habit.
 
August 27, 2008, 8:55 pm CDT

spending too much

Quote From: PennyLane78

Well, it does sound like you have a support system in a way.

But therapy would be an incredible tool for you. And insurance covers some of the cost more  often than people think. I wish I could recommend a book for you. But I don't know a lot about shopping addictions.

I do wish you the best...I see addiction as something that may have once been the fault of the addicted person, but not any longer.

It's like a person who drives off a cliff and then in mid-air decides they don't want to drive off a cliff anymore. It's too late for them to turn around on their own.

I am blessed that I never ruined my husbands credit or spent any money from the bills,car payments or house payment.

I knew never to touch that money so I do have some control. I am now going through debt consolidation which now all my credit cards are closed and I can no longer charge or get credit for a long time. I will continue going to any support group offered at church because I do want to change. My kids are getting older and I want them to know I cared enough to change for our family and be proud of me and see that I am a good person.I am reading self help books and look up information on the net. I love what you wrote about the person going over the cliff that is how I felt sometimes as if I was trying to destroy what I have ..thank you appreciate your reply.

 
August 27, 2008, 10:10 pm CDT

HOPE FOR THERESA AND ANDY

First off I want to say that I am an ordinary person and part of an ordinary couple just like Andy and Theresa and I am really passionate about their situation because I was $176,000 in debt  (not including our mortgage, car payments etc. it was all credit card debt) and our marriage was in the same shape. Our debt was a result of an extra-marital affair on my husbands part and my reaction came in the form of spending and over indulging to make myself feel better and in a way to punish him. Our debt is now down to $63,000 and you CAN get through this with your marriage in tact. It is not easy but it is possible.

 

I will give you the abbreviated version of what worked for us. First off we did go to therapy but I am not sure that was the best move. It put us very a lot further in debt and in the end it was the two of us who had to work through it. The therapy did help us get past the anger and rebuild trust. I do think a short term amount of therapy can help with the anger Andy feels and the hurt that Theresa feels from the abusive statements but long term therapy can be a drain both monetarily and emotionally. I felt we could not get past our situation because we were rehashing it every week in therapy so eventually we decided to give the therapy up and for us it was a good decison.

 

First off, you can only go forward. If you are both (and both is the key here) truly sorry for your past actions then accept each others apologies and move on. I know it is easier said then done but just chip away little by little and these behaviors will improve. But you both have to be very cautious not to fall into the blame game. Of course there will be temporary set backs but the important part is to move beyond them quickly and let them go.

 

I also strongly agree with what Dr. Phil said with respects to Andy's working. Of course this is part of the reason for Theresa's spending. She needs you to be there and Theresa needs to figure out what triggers her spending. For me it was the retaliation for the affair and to fill the void of my husbands long work hours.

 

In the end my husband worked extremely hard to earn back my trust and he sucked it up a lot when I would through it up in his face during fights and difficult times. While this seems counter productive and in some ways it was, it did help me to really know that he was allowing me to work through the anger I had. He let me vent and that made me secure in knowing that he did have true remorse. I think this is where Theresa has to really try hard. Andy is angry and rightfully so. However, this does not give Andy the right to be verbally abusive.

 

In the end your marriage shoud be the two of you against the world. You are both on each other's side. Be your spouses best ally. The one thing that really helped me was a comment Dr. Phil made on a show several years ago when our relationship was really at a turning point. He said something to the effect of "if you were witnessing someone talking to (or treating) your husband the way you are talking to him you would aggressively defend him. You would not stand for someone to treat him that disrespectful. If you would not allow a stranger to talk to him that way, how can you, the person who is supposed to love him so much, talk to him that way?" I think this applies to your situation. You would never allow someone to steal from your husband so why on earth would it be OK for you to do this when you are his life partner? And conversly Andy would never let someone talk so abusively to Theresa so why would he think it is OK for him to treat her that way. And lastly since I am somewhat religious when I am in the heat of an arguement or doing something I know is counter productive I try to take a deep breath and think to myself "if God where standing in the background witnessing this would I be acting this way? Probably not.  If my husband were to die right that very minute would what we are fighting about be so important. In most cases not - of course sometimes I am so mad that it doesn't always work but it has helped me to a certain degree. i know it sounds hokey and it may not be for everyone but find out what does work for you. Additionally, some medicaton did help me curb the sensation of  the high I got when I was spending. I think for me there was definitly a chemical component. 

 

This is not a short journey my husband and I have been married 16 years and the above story covers the last 10 years of it. When I used a debt calculator in 2006 to figure out how long it would take us to get out of debt it  said 2012. I was extremely dejected but the alternative was to do nothing and keep going down the same path.  Luckly we are ahead of schedule so that offers some relief and gives us light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a long struggle but I will never be there again.  I regret all of the junk that I purchased as most of it  just bogged me down and has since wound up at Good WillI. I think of all the vacations I missed, all of the many more years we will have to work before retiring but at least I am that much closer to those goals now. I do still shop for enjoyment but it is much more controlled and sensible.

 

You both can do this and I wish you all the success in the world. Hang in there and have faith in each other and God.

 
August 28, 2008, 8:06 am CDT

08/27 The Bishop is Back!

Quote From: jmkuhn

I used to like watching Dr. Phil. Now, when Bishop Jakes is on, I turn the channel. I try to watch, but I end up turning it. I am not a religious person. I feel that those who are- GREAT- but I am NOT. I do not want to watch clips of sermons and talk about how "God" can be a positive force in your life. Religion is a BELIEF. It's insulting that Dr. Phil isn't thinking of the millions and MILLIONS of people who are non-believers and not only that, but just are not religious in any way. Ouch.

Isn't it great to live in America??? That the Doc can have on anyone he chooses on his show, even the Doc can state his beliefs and can do so in any form he chooses. Like his own show.

 

Non believers can watch and take out of the show what they wish, or turn it off.

 
August 28, 2008, 8:20 am CDT

Hmmmm

Quote From: randijoy

First off I want to say that I am an ordinary person and part of an ordinary couple just like Andy and Theresa and I am really passionate about their situation because I was $176,000 in debt  (not including our mortgage, car payments etc. it was all credit card debt) and our marriage was in the same shape. Our debt was a result of an extra-marital affair on my husbands part and my reaction came in the form of spending and over indulging to make myself feel better and in a way to punish him. Our debt is now down to $63,000 and you CAN get through this with your marriage in tact. It is not easy but it is possible.

 

I will give you the abbreviated version of what worked for us. First off we did go to therapy but I am not sure that was the best move. It put us very a lot further in debt and in the end it was the two of us who had to work through it. The therapy did help us get past the anger and rebuild trust. I do think a short term amount of therapy can help with the anger Andy feels and the hurt that Theresa feels from the abusive statements but long term therapy can be a drain both monetarily and emotionally. I felt we could not get past our situation because we were rehashing it every week in therapy so eventually we decided to give the therapy up and for us it was a good decison.

 

First off, you can only go forward. If you are both (and both is the key here) truly sorry for your past actions then accept each others apologies and move on. I know it is easier said then done but just chip away little by little and these behaviors will improve. But you both have to be very cautious not to fall into the blame game. Of course there will be temporary set backs but the important part is to move beyond them quickly and let them go.

 

I also strongly agree with what Dr. Phil said with respects to Andy's working. Of course this is part of the reason for Theresa's spending. She needs you to be there and Theresa needs to figure out what triggers her spending. For me it was the retaliation for the affair and to fill the void of my husbands long work hours.

 

In the end my husband worked extremely hard to earn back my trust and he sucked it up a lot when I would through it up in his face during fights and difficult times. While this seems counter productive and in some ways it was, it did help me to really know that he was allowing me to work through the anger I had. He let me vent and that made me secure in knowing that he did have true remorse. I think this is where Theresa has to really try hard. Andy is angry and rightfully so. However, this does not give Andy the right to be verbally abusive.

 

In the end your marriage shoud be the two of you against the world. You are both on each other's side. Be your spouses best ally. The one thing that really helped me was a comment Dr. Phil made on a show several years ago when our relationship was really at a turning point. He said something to the effect of "if you were witnessing someone talking to (or treating) your husband the way you are talking to him you would aggressively defend him. You would not stand for someone to treat him that disrespectful. If you would not allow a stranger to talk to him that way, how can you, the person who is supposed to love him so much, talk to him that way?" I think this applies to your situation. You would never allow someone to steal from your husband so why on earth would it be OK for you to do this when you are his life partner? And conversly Andy would never let someone talk so abusively to Theresa so why would he think it is OK for him to treat her that way. And lastly since I am somewhat religious when I am in the heat of an arguement or doing something I know is counter productive I try to take a deep breath and think to myself "if God where standing in the background witnessing this would I be acting this way? Probably not.  If my husband were to die right that very minute would what we are fighting about be so important. In most cases not - of course sometimes I am so mad that it doesn't always work but it has helped me to a certain degree. i know it sounds hokey and it may not be for everyone but find out what does work for you. Additionally, some medicaton did help me curb the sensation of  the high I got when I was spending. I think for me there was definitly a chemical component. 

 

This is not a short journey my husband and I have been married 16 years and the above story covers the last 10 years of it. When I used a debt calculator in 2006 to figure out how long it would take us to get out of debt it  said 2012. I was extremely dejected but the alternative was to do nothing and keep going down the same path.  Luckly we are ahead of schedule so that offers some relief and gives us light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a long struggle but I will never be there again.  I regret all of the junk that I purchased as most of it  just bogged me down and has since wound up at Good WillI. I think of all the vacations I missed, all of the many more years we will have to work before retiring but at least I am that much closer to those goals now. I do still shop for enjoyment but it is much more controlled and sensible.

 

You both can do this and I wish you all the success in the world. Hang in there and have faith in each other and God.

I think that some of what you say is valid. But unfortunately you, like many women, only choose to blame the guy for your misdeeds. For example, you fall for the nonsense that Andy 'made her do it' because he worked so much. Bologna! He had to work so much BECAUSE OF HER PROBLEM! He tried his best to stay ahead of the debts she was running up but it wore him out! He did NOTHING wrong. He is the victim of a dishonest, cheating, thieving piece of trash, period. The only thing he did wrong was not throw her butt out of the house after the second round of lying and stealing. BTW- I speak from experience. My ex-wife did all of the same things to me that this degenerate wife did to her husband on the show. I threw her out after the second round of lies. She has gone to therapist after therapist and conveniently told lies to them about her problems so that they get convinced that she has a 'money management' problem. Well, yeah, she does have a money management problem! Managing the money she steals from her husbands  IS A PROBLEM FOR HER (I was the fourth, I found out later)! People like the woman on this show just keep using others. They do not change! My ex-wife is in the process of setting up her soon to be fifth husband for a big loss, no change, no regret, it is all about her entitled little rearend getting a free ride!  She should lose her children, her home, and her husband, and beg GOD's forgiveness for her deceitful behavior!

 

I watch this show only from time to time and the theme is so disturbingly similar. Women can do no wrong, and when they do, some man made them do it! I understand that to get good ratings that Dr. Phil has to conduct things this way. After all, if he held women accountable for thier misdeeds, he would lose his audience. But all of you ladies are doing yourselves a disservice buying into the view that men are the root of all of YOUR EVIL. You are just making excuses and it clearly holds those who buy into it back in a big way. Grow up and  accept responsibility for your own actions. You will feel better about yourself and be someone that others will want to have a relationship with.

 
August 28, 2008, 8:26 am CDT

More Bishop Jakes!

Quote From: kristin_b

I have no problem w/ T.D. Jakes and his advice was not "religious" in nature. He seems like a very wise man. However, he is identified with religion - a specific religion - and I feel this will ostracize some viewers. I hope this isn't going to become a habit.
The bishop is the only one who made any sense on the show. He is immune to the gyno mentality that Dr. Phil supports. The best thing that could have happended on this show was for Dr, Phil to take a break and let the good bishop handle the lying, thieving, gold digger of a wife! MORE BISHOP JAKES. PLEASE!
 
August 28, 2008, 8:36 am CDT

You are crazy if you take him back

Quote From: tammy_anne

describe what you are contemplating. You are weighing the pros and cons of taking this person back into you life, and even though the cons far out weigh the pros you are still considering it, maybe even forcing yourself to believe you are getting a good deal...

He is a user, that is what he does he uses people , untill he has no more use for them then throws them over board for something better.

He didn't make a mistake, he made a choice, he is looking for easy street and has little regard for the people he hurts to find it.

Love is not a feeling it is an action, what actions has he shown you that shows his love for you...?

give yourself time, as much as you need, and belive me the "feelings" you are feeling right now will change. If you allow your feelings to guide your head you will find your self being used again, by your own choice, you deserve way better than that!

Being disabled does not make you less worthy of love, respect, dignity and decency!

This person only sees you as a way out, not as a person that he wants to commit to and make a life with.

however, the choice is entirely yours, adn the consequences are yours to live with, i just hope that you find enough self love, to tell this user to hit the highway, cuz he may be selling a lie, but your not buying.

Tammy

 

 

Your friend is a user, like the wife on the show today. They need to be shown the door and experience survival  on their own. It will do him good to have to fend for himself rather than sucking the blood out of you and his girlfriend. Same goes for the wife in the show today. If she did not have her husband to steal from, she might have a chance to learn to be responsble.  Don't be crazy, let him go!

 
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