Topic : 08/05 Make It or Break It!

You know the old saying.  And it's true when you break if off with someone for what ever reasons, in the back of your mind you will always wonder what if we did this or what if we did that.  You think back and remember all the good times and think we "were" so happy once.  And you owe it not only to yourself but your children to try and make it work.  Profession help is really the only way to go, if things are bad enough that divorce is in the picture ,get help.  Eliminate all possible doubts before you get the divorce.  Marriage and a healthy relationship is like anything else in life, you only get out of it what you put into it.  It has to be nurished and given the fuel it needs to stay healthy and alive.  Thats what Dr. Phil meant when he said if you want this marriage to work, put the work into it. 

Playing the victum is weak, it's easy to let someone run over you.  It's hard to stand up for yourself and say hey I'm not taking this.  Dr. Phil was right on when he told Tammy to stop playing the victum.  Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and take responsibility for your self and your life.  You can't blame someone else for your unhappiness, true happiness comes from the inside.  Nothing out side of your self can bring lasting happiness.  It's a state of mind.  I lived in that helpless victum state of mind for years, putting up with a liyng cheating husband.  Seperating, getting back together we were stuck in a rut.  Finally one day I woke up and came clean with myself.  We were never going to be happy together because what made him happy made me miserable. He was a lot like Paul, always belittling me treating me like a child.  There were no sticky notes, but he wanted to control everything I did.  Looking back now I gave him that power over me because I was naive and didn't know better.  And believe me breaking away from that hold was liberating. 

And it doesn't matter how you were raised.  We are all given our own minds and free wills.  Whether we were raised poor or wealthy.  By stable or unstable parents.  At some point you have to grow up and take responsibilty for your own life.  And no person should belittle another person just because of the way they were raised.  We can't help who we're born to.  When we're children we don't have any say in how we're raised.  If someone was less fortunate than you were, you should help that person not belittle them.  Build them up not put them down. 

I watched this story and I will tell you it's hard to stop caring for someone who says they will change,

but I went through it marred 15 yrs three great kids then he beat me for the last time the day I left him.

It was the day of my Grandfathers funeral, my youngest was 4yrs old & he wouldn't let me have him... I went to the school and picked up my 2 older kids. I filed for divorce. His parents had money and fought for my children and won custody(I listened to my lawyer advise) which was SO wrong!

My EX used my kids to get me to come back....so I remarried him.

For 19yrs I stayed. All the promises (I'vie changed baby we can make a great life I promise.)

I was just like you I married him young he told me I was DUMB, etc...He beat on me right after we were married.

When we remarried my family thought I had lost my mind, I told them I can't leave my children alone with him, it was going to be fine...NOT he was worse. I stayed for 9 more years hoping my children would be able to get out on their own.

My two oldest did make it out but my youngest didn't understand, the youngest stayed and today that child will do whatever his father says to hurt me.

I haven't had a relationship with my child in 6yrs. I have received to calls before but it was only for money to get  out of trouble with the law cause his father couldn't.

I don't make that mistake anymore either, cause it hurts when your child tells you they will come see you & call after you have helped them out and they really don't. You feel even more used and abused now by your child.

Please "Tammy" think of your children before its too late!

And your worth more than that to have someone like him say & do the things he does to you!

It may hurt now but it will hurt a whole lot more in so many other ways if you don't.

Who are you trying to kid here???  Does Tammy really think she needs Dr. Phil's advice on whether she should stay in this 2nd marriage???  If she's actually doubting this marriage in her heart and mind, then she already knows the answer!  Some of this sounds like her own fault though.  If she's willing to marry this guy (AGAIN) who puts up sticky notes telling her how to do things, does "research" on dating websites, etc. then wants to go on TV and cry "boo hoo", then it's her fault for allowing him to do this to her.  Also, if she thinks he may have abused her son and she moves back in with him to start a new life, then she is an abuser too by continuing to let it happen!!!!!!!!!     If it's NOT ok with her, then she needs to do something about it!  Either divorce this loser and read the divorce papers making sure she has custody or joint custody of the children, or If she wants to put up with it then shut up about it and get on with her life!  I'm already bummed if this is what Dr. Phil Season 7 is about, I may just turn the TV off.  It's very discouraging to find too many people out in the world who need to play the victim and not do anything to stand up for themselves and make their own life work!!  Some of these couples just need to step back and view their situation from another angle and make their own decisions on "whether they should make it or break it" and not waste our time!  I'd much rather watch encouraging programs and do look forward to the weight loss race for information and healthy living tips, etc.

TAMMY, TAMMY, TAMMY,

GET RID OF THIS JERK BEFORE HE HURTS YOU OR YOUR KIDS.  BEING ALONE ISN'T THE END OF THE WORLD IF YOU HAVE FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO CARE FOR YOU.   IN FACT THE NIGHTS CAN BE SO LONG IF THE ONE WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU IS IN THE SAME HOUSE AND DOESN'T.  I'VE BEEN THERE.

THE VERY IDEA THAT YOU LET HIM TELL YOU WHAT TO DO LIKE SOME LITTLE KID IS RIDICULOUS!  HE'S A CRUEL JERK TO BOOT.   WHAT IS THERE TO LIKE ABOUT HIM?  HE'S UNFAITHFULL, PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE, A TYRANT, A LIER, ON TOP OF THAT A LOUSY FATHER!!!!   HE DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, HE TEARS YOU DOWN MENTALLY.    WHAT'S TO LIKE???

I'VE BEEN DIVORCED OVER 20 YEARS AND YES, AT TIMES LONELY.   BUT I'M NOT AS LONELY AS I WAS WHEN I WAS MARRIED.  I DO HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW BUT WE WILL MOST LIKELY NEVER MARRY.  I'VE GOTTEN USED TO DOING THINGS WHEN I WANT AND GOING WHERE I WANT TO GO.  I HAVE MANY INTERESTS AND CLOSE FRIENDS.   I ALSO HAVE TWO GREAT GROWN SONS. 

IF YOU EVER DO GET MARRIED AGAIN TO SOMEONE ELSE, HE'S GOT TO BE EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTIVE, BUT ALSO A GOOD FATHER FIGURE.  IN FACT,  THAT SHOULD COME FIRST.  AND PLEASE GO TO PREMARITAL COUNSELING.