Topic : 12/23 Real Life: Heart Shattered

Dear Sylvia,
       My heart and prayers go out to you. 28 years ago my husband was a victim of homicide and now 28 years later our first born was the victim of homicide never did I think this would happen in my life again but it has. He was 28 I was 25 we had three children, three and under the youngest 5 weeks old the only one that would even remember him was our oldest. It was never in my plan to raise them alone it is a hard job with two parents. There are many children out there that there fathers don't care about them. There father dose love them even if he's not here love lasts forever. I have learned a lot about life most of it the hard way and not all good. At first it was like I was still taking care of him until I was to walk away at the cemetery I felt like now I'm just going to walk away turn my back now what. There will be many things happen in this life some of them we will not understand why. I am who I am and I must remember that as angry as I get at God he still loves me and as angry as I get at my husband for leaving me I know he loves me and if I'm angry I cannot fell the love I have for my son. I cannot let this one moment in time take a way the 31 years of love I have for him, yes I do  get down and I do cry but if I did not love I would not cry, would I want to live a life without love. I have never remarried I could tell you everything I have done in my life I don't recommend any one do things the way I did. I will tell you this you and your family have been very blessed by having Dr Phil and what they have done for you. I could even be angry with Dr Phil I ask him for help in my life a few years ago and maybe my son would be here now but he can't help everyone he is only one man so the fact that you have been on his show and all the help you have is a miracle to me.  God bless you

I lost 2 partners within 7 months of each other.

The love of my life and I got back together after 7 years apart. Both went on and lived our lives, but always in contact and always in love. I fell pregnant and was over the moon about it, he was not so happy.

We were trying to work things out. I went into premature labour and was admitted to hospital.

2 days later I read a piece in the paper about a car accident. I just new it was him. That was around 9 am Tuesday morning. I eventually had the social workers come in 1 am Wed morning and confirm he has passed away while driving home on Monday night. My life was shattered.

Went to the funeral. That was 1 yr ago in 2 weeks time.

I still can't believe he is gone.

I was in the process of becoming friends with someone else at the time. She was very interested in me, and we just 'fell' together. I would not have made it through that time without her.

My daughter was born 5 weeks after her father passed.

3 weeks later my girlfriend came out of remission.

She spent 2 months in the hospital, then came and lived with us for a few months before going back for a stem cell transplant. She had major complications and passed away 5 days after my birthday.

 

I just want people to be glad of what they have, be thankful for every moment.

Never miss a thing.

Doctor Heart Life Phil Real Shattered. Where did I see this before? I wiil see it again and again. See you---

on Tuesday December 23rd, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.----------------------------------------------

   This is one of the times when I have to reply, "You are not alone.  I understand because I have shared your pain."  It was a long time ago.  I was 32 years old, and I was having my first child.  Labor began at 1:30 am.  I started timing my contractions, and by 3:00 I awoke my husband, telling him it was time to go to the hospital.  Like all husbands, he took the time to argue with me.  Nevertheless, after Larry became fully awake, we got into the car and drove off into a warm spring night.

     The sky was filled with stars.  It was so beautiful.  And, it was going to be someone's birthday.

     At the hospital, my favorite nurse began fussing over me.  I'd been having bouts of "false labor" and everyone of them knew me.  She looked thunderstruck, then she began jabbing me with a stethoscope.   Then, there were three nurses jabbing me.  She told me she was calling my doctor.

    And then, I knew.  It was so awful.  I murmured, "Oh, no."  I had to promise not to fall completely apart until my doctor arrived.  I kept that promise.  At 3:20, they wheeled in the machine and my doctor sadly informed me that "When you can't find a heartbeat with three stethoscopes and a Doppler, it is because there isn't one." 

     I suppose there is no graceful way to tell a woman that her baby is dead.

     The world opened up, and I fell  into the chasm.  The earth mercilessly closed over the top of me, and I knew that from this living hell there was no end.  That is how heart break feels.  My baby had died, and I wanted to go with him.  Instead, I had to be wheeled into the delivery room.  I had to sign my baby's death certificate.  It was my first duty as a parent. 

    Six weeks later, my PAP smear results returned:  Suspicious, probably malignant.  I had to have two biopsies to see if I was going to have a hysterectomy that summer.  While awaiting the results, I tried killing myself.  I was shocked an appalled that Charley was dead, and I was developing cancer.   The worst part was that he was going to stay dead.  Forever is a long, long time.  I decided the world was just too awful to bother living in anymore.

    I developed a nasty depressive disorder.   It is a life sentence.  It doesn't  go competely away.  With treatment, I can trudge through life.  There has been more than enough unhappiness in my life, but that is all I wish to confide, now.  I take my medicine and trudge on.    

    I don't suppose that anyone can be prepared for life's most serious challenges.  Disappointments, perhaps.               

52 is a hard number for me.

As I brought in the firewood and started to make a fire for the evening, my thoughts somehow strayed to memories of my Mom...my real  Mom and her name was Violet. I lost both of my parents to cancer when I was a teenager. They died exactly a year apart, and both were 52. 

Dad was working on a new chemical to spray on the Santa Barbara oil slick.  It was similar to a product  we now have, called Dawn Dish Soap. You know how the ad goes...cuts the grease molecules and the oil mixes with the water...sounds pretty safe, but in our case it not only killed Mom and Dad, but my dog Obleo. It's hard to lose so much at such a young age, but God was right there all the time.

Funny, if you can see humor in any of this situation, my Grandmother from Texas had been staying with us as the family dwindled down to...me.  She became friends with the head nurse at the hospital where my Mom stayed most of the time.   Low and behold that nurse and her husband, lived right across the street from us.  I guess because of being a teen I really didn't have much time for the "old" people in their 40's, who I saw come in and out of their house every few days. The irony to this story is the fact that her husband was CSI and the county coronor.  He ended up signing my Mother's death certificate when that final day arrived, and she was thankfully taken and released from the horrible agony that cancer does to people. I can't say I cried too much when they both were gone.  When you see death on this side it's one of the ugliest and cruelest things imaginable. I was in shock and sad and happy and free all at the same time.  Strange how all the emotions just seem to whirl together.  My Grandmother asked the couple across the street to look after me, because she had to return to her life in TX, after giving us the last year.

I met Bob and Mickey and they were sweet, funny and very different from my parents. They drank and had parties and lots of friends and they weren't sick.  They both were on, at least,marriage number three.  Bob had two sons and Mickey had two daughter's and as the years passed I because "their" daughter. I won't even go into the family dynamic and the upset that the little girl from across the street ,caused.  None of the kids saw their parents that often and all of them lived far away. I was right across the street and I had their full attention. I have to say they have loved me more than you could ever imagine. How blessed I have been to have had two wonderful sets of parents.

So, as I was sitting here this afternoon I was trying to remember my first parents, Jack and Violet. It's strange to me how much I have forgotten about them.  It's hard sometimes to imagine their faces.  Sometimes memories of my present parents seem to blend with the memories of the first.  It's almost like reading a book and noticing a few pages are missing. You keep on reading, knowing you missed some key pieces, but you still know the story. I kind of feel my life is like that, a few pages are missing, but God somehow put in a bridge and filled in the blank part.

I guess the biggest thing is the fact that I had a hard relationship with 1st Dad.   Not that I ever caused trouble, because I was too afraid of him to do that. We were just a bit strained. I remember he would get up about 4 or 5 every morning and drink coffee.  He would always come into my room and give me a kiss on my check, and tell me he loved me before going to work.  Other than that we didn't talk much. I see now that he wasn't a bad guy, he just wanted the best for me.  Everybody else loved him and I know that I would have as well, if he had just lived past my teens. I didn't have enough time to be his friend, and for him to be mine. Mom on the other hand was the most amazing woman who ever lived. She was fun, full of joy, spontaneous and loved to laugh. She was my go between with Dad and one of the greatest loses of my life.

I hate that so many memories are gone and I realized something that my oldest daughter once wrote: you never die as long as there is someone left to tell your stories. So today I figured out the reason they are gone from my head, and that is because there was no one around to tell me their stories.

Cliff, my fabulous gorgeous husband was also 52, when he died of cancer.  Unlike my missing memories of my parents, I will never let my children forget their wonderful Father... and all of his crazy and exciting stories. Even someday when I am no longer here, people will remember him, from the stories I told over and over again. I'll write more about Cliff later in this blog.

Well, back to the 52 thing. I was born in 1952, and I can't say that was bad other than the fact that I am getting old. I am not superstitious or a numerologist in any way shape or form, but generally when I hear the number 52 my mind goes in a whole different direction.  I will admit that I really did not expect to make it past 52.  I figured somehow I would be struck dead before the clock hit 12AM, indicating my 53rd birthday  You can only imagine my shock when I woke up on April 2, 2005 and I was still in the land of the living.  I guess it was then that I really decided... to live.

My heart has been shattered for so many years over the things my young daughter, DaNae, has gone through.  When she was a freshman in high school, she started having pain in her groin.  I took her to our Dr., who did an ultrasound. Within hours, DaNae was in surgery removing a grapefruit size cyst from her phallopean tube.  She went through so much that year...losing over 90 days of school and many pounds of weight.  Four years later,we took her for her physical (same Dr.) and packed her up and spent the weekend in the town she had chosen for college. My husband and I arrived home to a message on the phone saying she had to be taken immediately to the emergency room without delay! We got her home that night, she was 120 miles from home, and she was in surgery the next day for a 10 lb tumor on her ovary.  You couldn't even tell it was there!  You would have thought it would have been noticable but it has grown in and around her organs inside and you couldn't tell.  Her OBGYN told her then that if she ever wanted children it would have to be right then at that moment or her chances of having any would probably be never. She was 17! She immediately married her boyfriend who started taking drugs and abusing her. She divorced after a couple of years and moved to a different area. She met what she thought was the man of her dreams 4 years ago and who we thought was the most perfect Son-In-Law in the world! We loved him like our own children. He started mentally abusing her two years after getting married and she didn't tell us. He treated her horribly and she was too embarassed to say anything! She opened her own business in June of this year. A Salon and Spa. She also built a brand new home for her and her husband with five bedrooms and three bathrooms.  He is Saudi Arabian and is a pilot.  He had worked the four years of their marriage away from home and made a wonderful income for the two of them. Five days after moving into her new home, she received an email saying he was divorcing her and taking everything. He had cleaned out their savings and checking before the email so by the time she got it, she was destitute. She had no way to pay the new home bills, the ones she had paid, bounced. He had all the money and was able to get an attorney. He took everything she had over the years.  She didn't even have any silverward or cups to drink out of! She did get some of the gifts we had given her for Xmas',birthdays, etc. but I had made a beautiful fireplace surround and fireplace for her bedroom and he even took that. He inventoried her clothing, had a private investigator tap her phone calls, had him follow her and take pictures...he just went nuts.  He took her car she had worked hard to buy also. He was in Saudi Arabia while all of this was going on.  We had helped him get his US Citizenship! He had waited four years for it and I spent countless hours calling the US Embassy, Homeland Security, the Saudi Government..and countless state reps., etc. He rec'd his Citizenship approx. 4 mths before divorcing her! We think that was all he was after.  My daughter now is closing her new business.  It's been too hard to be without income and try getting the business up and running. Her small business loan money has run out. My daughter was raised in a small town with 40 people. She is beautiful, trusting and a vivacious human being. What life has done to her is so heartbreaking. I cry every day for her. I don't know how to help her anymore. She even had her windshield broken yesterday from a rock another vehicle threw up. Her new "used" vehicle she is trying so hard to pay for again! My daughter's heart is shattered, my Childrens hearts are shattered over losing a Brother they loved with all of their heart and my Husband and my hearts will have a horrible time inviting another in after this.

I have a sister who experienced severe domestic violence and she protected her children and tried to shield them from it.

She seems to have successful with the most serious events as the children don't seem to know how bad their father was.

My sister always maintained  the childrens relationship with their father even after the divorce.

The downside of this "protection" is that the children have a very low awareness of the trauma their mother lived with for 20 years while with their father and so they don't understand why she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She is not being treated for this and prefers to just work hard and get on with her life.

She has many psychological injuries caused by the abuse she suffered but doesn't acknowledge any of it publicly or even to her children. There is a general sense that she should just "get on with her life".

I feel sorry for her that no one seems to acknowledge her suffering or her stoicism in protecting her families (includes sisters, parents, friends etc). There seems to be still alot of ignorance about the effect of domestic violence; it doesn't end by just taking away the original perpetrator. It lives on in all who were affected by the violence.

I feel very sad that your daughter, at the moment, cannot see your heart. I have a son who is often the same. It has given me great sadness that he cannot see who I really am, but he is only 32 and maybe if I live long enough he will get the chance to change his mind about me.

In reality we all have to live our lives anyway so we might as well do it as best we can.

So I am concentrating on building my own personal character the way I want it and improving myself as much as I can. Hopefully one day, my son will take another look at me and like me.

I hope our children will have the chance to reunite well with their mothers one day and they don't leave it too long and miss out.

I have had to be creative and I try to share his interests like computers, I have done courses and use a computer regularly at home and now chat on Messenger with my son.

Part of my personal expansion has been to read self help books and one of the things that was useful to me was - being your own best friend. I have used this many times and have become more used to doing things that are good for me rather than doing things that I am used to.

It's like: you ask yourself "what advice would I give my best friend on this issue?"

and then take your own advice on the best way to handle an issue or problem.

And you have to do things that are fun, just for you, because you deserve to have some fun and laughter in your life. I hope this has made sense. We can only make today the best we can and be a good friend to yourself. I hope you will find some happiness in your life and be good to yourself.

Best wishes for 2009. M

I  

I need to make sure I tape this show for my daughter in law.  Her family have had their share of troubled times this past year.  Her mother survived Breast cancer 10 or 11 years ago.  She is strong and a fighter.  She married her second husband 11 years ago and he found out last January that he had cancer.  He sadly lost his battle on August 4th, the first day of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally which was a big part of his life since he put on the Ham and Jam in Hulett Wyoming each year.  Ham and Jam is a large feed for the bikers which is paid for by the donations given.  My daughter in law also lost her great grandmother in February, her step grandmother in July and a great uncle in September.  Her mother and family have just started getting things settled with the estate of her step father when yesterday, the day before her mother's 50th birthday, her mom's home burned down to the ground.  This is the home her step dad had built with his own hands from logs and rocks from their ranch.  Gone are all his medals from the war, the flag from his burial and all the pictures he had taken during the Vietnam war.  My daughter in laws mother thought she could make up for the sadness of missing her husband, her children's father, grandchildren beloved grandfather by buying special gifts for each which were all lost in the fire yesterday.  My daughter in law and I spent the day shopping and trying to replace at least some of the gifts lost.  We are so grateful that no one was home when the fire broke out because they would have been running back in to get the special items belonging to her stepfather.  We are grateful that it wasn't when the kids were all home for her birthday party and that no one was hurt.  One thing we are learning with all this is to make copies of everything and keep them in two different places.  All the business records were in the house and now not only are they building her mother's life up from nothing but also having to build the business records up from nothing.  To keep a record somewhere of everything in the home for insurance reasons because it is so sad to think of all that was loss when it is gone.  My daughter in law has been having a rough time when she thinks of certain things that are gone, but for her mother, it is even worse.  They do try to use a sense of humor somewhat.  My daughter in laws grandmother was concerned about all the baked goods her daughter had made for Christmas gifts, wondering if they survived.  My daughter in law said "well they are probably over baked now, no one would want to eat them!"  She says it is crazy the thoughts you think of faced with such a loss. 

   It's a whole lot easier to "pick yourself up and see this as an opportunity to grow" if your heart isn't broken. 

    I know that there is a difference.  I've known real grief, numbing loss.  The problem was that my ex and I coped with our losses, differently.  We were married 20 years.  I was a stay at home mom, too.  Actually,  I was a single parent and I didn't know it!  I was alone far more than is healthy.   I had few interests or friends.  I knew my ex consoled himself with every short, flat-chested brunette in town.had been cheating.  I "forgave" him--four or five times.  It was that sixth time, when he had two of them going on at the same time, that I decided I had enough.  He just wasn't worth the effort. 

    I was upset.  I cried for three straight days.  I raged at him a good deal.  Most of all, I was angry because I had ruined my life making up excuses for him.  Hoping he would see the light.  Understanding that he really loved me.  Sacrificing so much of myself trying to be what he wanted and needed.