Topic : 12/23 Real Life: Heart Shattered

Some of you may know my story, as I have a "Shared Diary" posted titled "I know life isn't fair....but HELP STOP THIS FAMILY FEUD" posted on this website.

The loss that I am suffering and dealing with on a daily basis is the loss of my grandchildren.  The tragedy is mostly related to a money issue and my daughter's anger.  Because my daughter is mad at me, and no longer needs me financially, she has forbidden me to see my grandchildren SOLELY due to her anger.  A mutual friend of ours spoke with my daughter just a couple of weeks ago and asked her what she told my granddaughter about "Bubbie" not coming around anymore, and my daughter said that she did tell my granddaughter, when she asked, that she (my daughter) was mad at me and didn't want me to call or come over or have anything to do with me.  My granddaughter's response was, "But I'm not mad at Bubbie". 

So why is my daughter punishing her children (my granddaughter and my grandson) because of her anger at me?  She is using them as a pawn to punish me.  She did claim that she told my granddaughter (who does still remember me and clearly wants to see me) that "when she becomes 18 years old she can do what she wants".  My granddaughter just turned 8 in October and has asked questions as to why I am not at birthday parties, and my daughter just told her that I wasn't invited.  My granddaughter, who knows the truth, or at least as much as she can understand, said to her mother (my daughter) "THAT'S A LIE". 

So how do I deal with the loss of my grandchildren when they are so near, yet so far.  They only live 30 minutes away, and I cannot contact them for fear that my daughter will take her anger at me out on them, as she has done in the past.  There has been physical abuse involved and my daughter was investigated by Children and Youth Services but, of course, my daughter played the "perfect mother" role for them and no further action was taken.  I have personally witnessed the physical abuse, however, I am NOT the person that reported her.  I do need to take responsibility for allowing the abuse to go on, it was selfish of me not to report her because it was the only way I was able to see me grandchildren at the time and keep an eye on how they were doing.  Now, it has been an entire year since I have seen or spoken to them and my heart is breaking and I don’t know how to deal with the loss.  For the most part of the last year I was beginning to get on with my life, then came my granddaughter’s birthday on October 22nd, and then Halloween, a holiday that I used to dress up and go over to my daughter’s and see the children.  Now it is the holidays in December and I am just so devastated that I am not able to see the children and I know that my granddaughter is missing me and wondering why I am not able to share these things with her.  My grandson turned 5 in July and I don’t even think that he remembers me.  That is the only reason I have not mentioned him as much in this story.  I miss him just as much, but I sincerely doubt he even remembers who I am. 

My daughter is not even allowing me to send gifts anymore.  When our mutual friend said that I would like to give the children gifts for the holiday, my daughter’s response was, “NO. If she wants to do something for the children have her (me) buy bonds and I will hold them until they get older and use them for school.”  The only problem I have with that is, it always comes back to money that my daughter wants to control.  What is so wrong with the children getting some pleasure from me giving them gifts now?  Even in the past the “instructions from my daughter” was that if I wanted to give them anything I was not allowed to put my name on it, so she would take the credit for buying the gifts.  There was even a time when I did give them something the last time I saw them that my daughter didn’t allow them to have that day, and the next time I spoke to my granddaughter she said, “Guess what Mom Mom gave me?  She gave me play dough with cookie cutters to make shapes.  Well, that was what I had given her but my daughter would not let her open it because it was from me.

I just don’t understand why she is punishing the children because she is mad at me.  THEY DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.  Clearly there is emotional abuse continuing and there is nothing I can do about it.  I fear even attempting to see the children.  I was going to go to my granddaughter’s dance recital last May (which my daughter said last year I COULD attend as long as I didn’t sit near them).  When the day came and our mutual friend called to find out the directions, my daughter went into a fit and started screaming that if I showed up she would call the police.  WHY???  There is nothing that I have done!  Had she called the police they would have laughed at her, but the reason I didn’t end up going was I didn’t want to cause a scene in front of my grandchildren, something my daughter has no problem doing. 

I don’t know if I can wait 10 years to see my granddaughter.  I don’t know if I am strong enough to hold on that long without allowing her and my grandson to have the love that they do not get from their mother.  It is completely heart wrenching knowing that my granddaughter wants to see me and is missing me and there is not a single thing I can do about it.  There are no grandparent’s rights in the State in which I live, so there are no legal avenues for me to pursue.  It just breaks my heart knowing that my granddaughter wants to see me as much as I want to see her, yet my daughter’s selfishness and anger, and her need to control is preventing this from happening.  I desperately need some help dealing with this loss.  They are so close, yet so far and I cannot begin to explain the pain I am in from all of this.  My daughter could very easily drop the children off at our mutual friend’s house so the children could see me, but she is insistent on having that control over me to punish me for “everything that is wrong in her life that is my fault”.  Those poor children are the ones that are suffering the most, especially my granddaughter who aches to see me.  I pray for strength and all I get is more trials to deal with.  I pray for my daughter to find peace, and she seems to get more and more angry – even though there is no contact.  I just don’t know what to do at this point.  This time of year is the worst. 

My birthday just passed and my friend even gave me a card which she signed from my grandchildren and in the upper left hand corner she wrote a note that I cannot print here in public, but I cried when I saw my grandchildren’s names even though I knew it wasn’t really from them.  I NEED HELP DEALING WITH THIS LOSS.  I know my story is a little bit different than what was on the show today, but HOW DOES SOMEONE DEAL WITH A LOSS THAT IS ONGOING, THAT IS STARING THEM IN THE FACE AND NEVER ENDING?  A loss that continues to hurt every day.  HOW DO I GET OVER THIS???

Signed,

A heartbroken grandmother

I can relate to the family who was devasted by divorce.  Although I knew that my marriage was not perfect, I had no idea that my husband of 23 years was having an affair with a woman at work.  This woman had acted like she was my friend!  She and her husband had been at our house for work parties (my husband was a manager at his place of employment.)

We had recently bought a newer, nicer, bigger house. We should have been feeling so happy, yet I knew that something was terribly wrong.  I thought maybe he was depressed, or ill in some other physical way.  I asked him so many questions about how he was feeling and told him that I could tell there was a problem.  He always just told me that I was "crazy".

We had friends who had been unfaithful in their marriages over the years and my husband always professed to be completely disgusted by this kind of behavior. He even refused to associate with a couple because of the man's infidelities.  This scenario was far from my mind for us.

We were very active in our Cathiloc church.  My oldest daughter, 22, was in college, engaged, and working as the youth director at the church.  Our other 4 children were teenagers, ranging from 13 to 19 years old.

I soon discovered the affair.  He moved out.  She left her husband and 2 small children and the 2 moved in together.  Did I mention that she is 15 years younger than me?  That contributed to my feelings of inadequacy and depression.

My children took this very hard.  4 of the 5 were treated for situational depression. The priest shunned us after awhile.  I sought his counsel at first, but I felt that the help I needed had to come from other places.  He only called me when I got behind on my tihe agreement.. My daughter was fired from her job at the church.  I have since found spiritual peace and another church.

It is 7 years later.  I have recently remarried a wonderful man.  In this relationship, I have found a true partner and true happiness.  My children admire and respect him.  His children are outstanding people.  We are truly blessed.

In the last 7 years, the kids and I have had so many good times.  There have been sad times also, but the good part is the most memorable these days.  My middle son told me in the beginning of "our new normal" that we were going to be all right.  He was right.  We have much to be thankful for - each other.

I wanted to share my story of sadness to happiness.  It is a story of faith and love.

I caught the last half of the show today, first time I have ever watched Dr. Phil,  Silvia was talking about being confused about why God took her husband. Why did he go through so much, truck flipping several times, living through that and then drowning, He didn't deserve that kind of death, why couldn't he just die in his sleep if god was going to take him.  It really upsets me that people believe that god needs someone in heaven so he just takes our loved ones when its "their time".  I guess that is what people are taught at whatever church they may belong to or are told by their parents. Does this really make since? If god views us as his children then why would he do that? Why would he put us through all the pain? He wouldn't.  If god needs someone in heaven for whatever reason he has the power to create them.  What about babies? What about young children? If you question this as well, please read your bible and use your reasoning skills and search until you find the answers.  One person for sure that would like you to blame God for taking your loved one away is SATAN.  If God doesn't take your loved ones when they die, How do you think this makes god feel when people say,  "Well god needed them in heaven, it was their time"?  PSALMS 37; 9-11,  Revelation 21; 1-4  This is a good place to start, I will be happy to help with any questions.   Thanks for your time.      Excellent show,  Dr Phil did a great thing helping these families during their hard times.  Will watch again 4 sure.  :-) 

      Well, now that you have complained about his behavior, what are you going to do next?  When you allow yourself to stay home and feel sorry for yourself day after dreadful day, boo-hooing endlessly, you are going to miss all the Christmas activities.   The sun is going to rise,  You are going to miss a beautiful winter sunrise. 

     Take your dog out for long walks.  Depressed people worry their dogs, ever notice?  And while you are outside, making your dog happy, be sure to notice all your neighbors lights out on display.   It's a fine day, at least attempt to enjoy your life.