I have had a 10 year spell of "coping". The year I lost my father, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The silver lining was my dad was no longer suffering for each breath he took and I was only Stage I and the cancer had not spread.
Two years later my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and has since suffered a stroke and had an aortic aneurysm repair. She is currently doing well and the blessing of this disease is that she can't remember the memories that hurt the most.
I had gotten married but my now ex could not get along with my son and refused to care for his out of control diabetes. When he refused medical treatment, I called an ambulance and was told had I waited, he would have died within 2 hours. My thanks? His family looked at me as though I waited on purpose -- only his doctor knew how I struggled with him. When his doctor called, not realizing that we had separated, he said I must finally feel relieved to not have to deal with my ex's health anymore -- they all wondered if he was harboring a secret death wish. He has had three surgeries to help clear up his eyesight and is on the verge of going on dialysis -- I pray that he does not cause an accident while driving the tractor trailer he drives for work. The divorce has only been final for a month and he is already living with someone else and has already bought another car to restore.
Just before I placed my mom in a nursing home because I just couldn't cope with the incontinence and her behaviors and not sleeping at night, I was diagnosed again with cancer, again Stage I and received no sympathy or help from any family members. My son was devastated and resented the fact that I was staying with my husband. Thankfully I was not subjected to radiation and chemo again -- I don;t think at this point I could have handled going through that again.
My last straw with my husband came as I found out my son had been molested by a brother-in-law who had since passed from cancer. He basically said it was no big deal, happened a long time ago, the guy was dead and to get over it. It took me a year to get myself ready, but I divorced him.
I no longer carry the baggage of his telling me that my beliefs meant nothing and that I blew everything out of proportion. I lost all interest in my hobbies and was just going through the motions of living day to day like a robot. He was heavily in credit card debt and only paid it off by selling his house. He told me that I was the one who had problems - not him. I was the crazy one for worrying about our financial status and trying to make longterm plans. He said I was obsessed with death and spent too much time with my son. It was okay for him to spend money on restoring cars (very expensive hobby) but if I bought craft supplies or scrapbooks for my pictures, I was wasting my time buying "junk".
I may not have gotten any monetary settlement from the divorce but I did gain my self-respect back. I tried living my life his way and became severely depressed - his behavior towards me and my son nearly cost me my relationship with my family members. I wished that I had the courage to leave him earlier. I can now say that I am happier, my son is coping better than expected and my family is once again back in my life. I am living alone right now, my son moved in with his girlfriend and I am living paycheck to paycheck trying to support a house that is owned by my and my two sisters -- they contribute nothing. They do nothing to keep up yard maintenance and they provide no monetary support to keep this house in good repair -- I am doing it all -- even paying the real estate taxes on my own.
My advice to everyone would be not to lose yourself and your beliefs in order to make someone else happy. I lost myself for 11 years putting on a happy face and not letting anyone know how much I was really hurting. I sat myself down and took a good long, hard look at my life and decided that it was not where I wanted to be. I finally told people around me how I really felt, not only about me, but how I felt about them, whether they wanted to hear it or not. I was not doing it to make friends, I was doing it to make myslef feel whole again. I am finally beginning to enjoy life again. I am single now and have no regrets and am not looking for another relationship. I know where my finances stand and I am not living a lie any more.
I am by no means saying it is easy, I could really use some financial help but I am living day by day. The house still needs some repairs but I will not put money into it knowing that my sisters will reap the benefits should I have to sell or by the grace of God get the chance to buy them out. They are in no way willing to help me out and I refuse to make it a windfall for them seeing how it has been only myself who is willing to work at this so hard.
Things will someday day get even better. I have a lot to be thankful for -- I have my health (although I am carrying some extra weight, have cholesterol and blood pressure issues) -- both my cancers are currently in remission, I have a son who is coping and working towards getting his life back on track and is happy with his girlfriend, my family is better at being there for me (or giving me space when they think that I need it) and I have a few co-workers who give me support when I need it and my dogs provide the unconditional love.
I have reached some of the lowest points in my life, I hope now that things can finally get better and that I can finally start to heal -- I want to be happy again some day and not have to spend so much time worrying about what will happen tomorrow.
(Original Air Date: 09/16/08) Are you prepared for the unexpected? Life is not a success-only journey, but when you're faced with difficult days, you don't have to become a victim. In his new book, Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Days of Your Life, Dr. Phil teaches you how to prepare for a crisis before it arrives, and how to get back to better days. One of the most challenging days can come the day your heart is shattered, especially if you experience a loss. Amber says she was living the perfect life. She and her sisters dreamed of marrying a man like their dad and having a great relationship like their parents'. She says they were totally blindsided on Father's Day when their dad told their mom he wanted a divorce. Hear their emotional story and learn what you can expect to feel when you lose something precious to you. Plus, find out Dr. Phil's action plan to help you get through the difficult period. Then, Sylvia is a mother to 4-year-old twins and is seven months pregnant. She was married to a Marine sergeant for seven years who tragically lost his life — not on the battlefield — in a car accident when he returned home. Now, each day is a battle for Sylvia. Dr. Phil shares his action steps for grieving, in an effort to help the mourning mom move forward. Today, Sylvia is struggles to pay for her basic necessities. Don't miss Dr.Phil's amazing surprise for her! Talk about the show here.
