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Topic : 12/23 Real Life: Heart Shattered

Number of Replies: 176
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, September 12, 2008, 01:17:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/16/08) Are you prepared for the unexpected? Life is not a success-only journey, but when you're faced with difficult days, you don't have to become a victim. In his new book, Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Days of Your Life, Dr. Phil teaches you how to prepare for a crisis before it arrives, and how to get back to better days. One of the most challenging days can come the day your heart is shattered, especially if you experience a loss. Amber says she was living the perfect life. She and her sisters dreamed of marrying a man like their dad and having a great relationship like their parents'. She says they were totally blindsided on Father's Day when their dad told their mom he wanted a divorce. Hear their emotional story and learn what you can expect to feel when you lose something precious to you. Plus, find out Dr. Phil's action plan to help you get through the difficult period. Then, Sylvia is a mother to 4-year-old twins and is seven months pregnant. She was married to a Marine sergeant for seven years who tragically lost his life —  not on the battlefield — in a car accident when he returned home. Now, each day is a battle for Sylvia. Dr. Phil shares his action steps for grieving, in an effort to help the mourning mom move forward. Today, Sylvia is struggles to pay for her basic necessities. Don't miss Dr.Phil's amazing surprise for her! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

September 13, 2008, 5:58 am CDT

Facing The Down In The Valley Days

I can totally relate to being involved with divorced parents. My parents divorced after 35 years of marriage. I have 4 siblings and I am in the middle. It was harder on me as I really tried hard to get along with both. I was living at home still and it was so difficult. My health started failing with very serious spine issues and at least my parents got to where they would talk. I loss my father to the battle of cancer in 2001 but I was glad that at least they were speaking to one another before he started his eternal life with God. I am excited about this book. I have not gotten it but will! The Seven Keys to Success -The Weight Loss Challenge guide me to losing 152 pounds and I was on Dr. Phil in 2005. I just had three critical spine surgeries and was so happy that I too thought I was going to be getting married after being divorced since 1989! Well, my engagement resolved without any communication. I am praying that it will work out. He will no longer respond but on the last communication he said that he would never want to work it out. Hopefully, at the least we can me dear friends as he was so good to me. I do want to have that someone special and deserve it! Again, look forward to the new book. Hang in there! SUSU
 
September 13, 2008, 6:22 am CDT

My heart shattered

My heart shattered the day they told me during a biopsy that my husband harold  had pancreatic cancer I am trying to be strong as I care for him BUt I am so hurt and angry and life seems so unfair I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with this man we fought we loved and now I am losing him and I am feeling so helpless because there is nothing I can do but love him and watch him waste away knowing that once he is gone my life is over I  have always been his wife so what happens to me now no one to argue with no one to make up with no one to pick up after O Lord I cry why take my heart my love away from me I waited so long to find him and now he is leaving how do I go on
 
September 13, 2008, 9:48 am CDT

loss

I lost my husband at 23. I raised my two children well and recovered nicely. I naturally vivacious and generally happy. I always hoped I'd meet someone and remarry. I've had lots of ups and downs and always recovered. At 57 I thought I met THE man, I was so sure. For one year I was ecstatic and then he informed me it was not to be. I'm now 60, 20 pounds overweight, more in debt than I've ever been because I can't seem to hold a job, pretty much have no interests outside of my grandchildren, and I'm pretty much just hanging around until I die. I want to be excited about my life, but I just can't seem to get it going again. I've read and worked through "Self Matter" and it buoyed me up for awhile, but I just can't make the leap out of this hole. I just feel there is just too much grief.
 
September 13, 2008, 11:53 am CDT

losing my daughter

My daughter was born with a half of a heart and they did not expect her to live past 2 years old.  She lived until she was 13 in February of 1996.  I was so blessed to have her that long and I still miss her everyday.  When she started going through puberty her body just could not handle it and she went into congestive heart failure in Sept. 1995 one month after her 13th birthday.  She suffered terribly for the next several months and then January 28, 1996 she had a massive seizure and was rushed by ambulance to the childrens hospital. Because of the fluid build up in her body, her stomach was full and she had not eaten for 2 weeks except for tiny bites.  She was malnourished and very weak but the doctor's had said there was nothing we could do for her.  I knew that she would never leave that hospital again. She passed away a week and one day later.  Her organs were shutting down and she was so swollen and malnourished that it hurt for me to even touch her.  It was so sad because her mind was still healthy and she was saying she was happy to be at the hosptial because she always gets better at the hospital............she had no idea that she was dying.  I cannot explain the pain in my heart.  She was so very sick but she still was thinking of others, drawing pictures for the girl that was in the room with her because she felt sorry for her (awww) and worried because I wasn't sleeping or eating, that is just who she was.  Monday, February 5th changed my life forever.  They came in to take her blood pressure so they could put a Pic line in to get her some nutrients and they did not find a pressure so they thought it was the machine so they went to get another machine and tried again, this time again no pressure, all this time my daughter had her eyes shut.  She would always shut her eyes when they did something that was hurting I guess she would go to her happy place, that is what I taught her to do.  Anyway, after trying to take her blood pressure again she started retching and since she could not sit up because of the pain I ran over with my hands cupped to try to keep it from getting all over her...............it was pure blood.  I remember looking at her and saying "Oh my God, baby you are going to be ok, sweetie just go back to your happy place, everything will be ok.  She passed out after the second time of throwing up and stopped breathing then at 2:10 her heart stopped.  There was so much blood and the nurses said that she probably threw up all the blood in her body.  The doctor came in and said that when they took her blood pressure it was just too much and it burst the main artery in her lung and she bled to death.  This was my real life, heart shattering event that is forever burned into my mind.  I remember standing there after she had passed and looking at the body that had carried and tortured my daughters spirit and saying I hate that body so much for taking her beautiful soul away from me.  She would have turned 26 this year and has been gone for 12 years...........It seems like yesterday that I witnessed her death but seems like forever since I have seen, hugged, kissed or spoke to her.....................Please love every moment good and bad you have with your children because you never know when they will be called home.  God bless
 
September 13, 2008, 12:39 pm CDT

Real Life

Quote From: elskin

I lost my husband at 23. I raised my two children well and recovered nicely. I naturally vivacious and generally happy. I always hoped I'd meet someone and remarry. I've had lots of ups and downs and always recovered. At 57 I thought I met THE man, I was so sure. For one year I was ecstatic and then he informed me it was not to be. I'm now 60, 20 pounds overweight, more in debt than I've ever been because I can't seem to hold a job, pretty much have no interests outside of my grandchildren, and I'm pretty much just hanging around until I die. I want to be excited about my life, but I just can't seem to get it going again. I've read and worked through "Self Matter" and it buoyed me up for awhile, but I just can't make the leap out of this hole. I just feel there is just too much grief.
I know how loss feels.  Although I divorced my husband and didn't loose him through death I was 26 years old with 3 children under 4 to raise.  It was very difficult and although I did remarry that too went the way of divorce but like I always told my children more so as a reminder to myself life is not fair you just have to get used to it.  It was and is a day to day struggle but I feel that's the key.  To not look too far into the future.  When you do that it gets daunting.    For me I had to tell myself every day and still do for most days that I am walking and breathing that's something, my children are here with me and are healthy that's something too.  I think sometimes that people(myself included) try to Leap out of the hole maybe we should just try and crawl out a little at a time.  I'm no expert and what works for some may not work for others but I found for myself that keeping track of the positives instead of the negatives helped me.  Keep your chin up!!!!
 
September 13, 2008, 1:41 pm CDT

Shattered Hearts

I would like to comment on the one very tragic moment in my life that I shattered my heart.  November 3, 2004, I lost my 20 year old son in a car accident.  I was home alone when the state troopers came to the door to inform me of his death.  I can remember saying over and over,  "Please tell me you have the wrong boy."  From that moment until the  funeral was over, I lived on automatic pilot.  I think it is a blessing that I do not remember those first days, because I remember fully, the years that have followed.  Within the month, my husband and I entered grief counceling which was once a week for a year.  After that, I went for an additional six months.  The third of each month I go to the cemetery and write my son a letter which I keep in a folder. It would have been so easy to give up and die if it hadn't been for my oldest son.  I did not want him to think that I didn't love him enough to live.  God has been my strength and my help through this tragic time, and I still lean on him for support.  My husband and I have drifted apart because we grieved differently. I'm not saying this has been easy.  Just living each day has been very difficult, because there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my son and miss him.  I know this is something I will never get over.  It took me three years to convience my husband to sell our house and let me move to where there were people around me and no memories hitting me in the face each day.  Since I have moved, I found so much peace because I am not faced with each room holding a memory of my beloved son.  He was such a joy to me, and he and I were very close.  My husband refuses to move into the townhouse with me, because he felt I should have stayed where we were.  He felt I could just close our son's bedroom door and everything would be alright.  I know my life will never be the same again because a huge part of my heart is buried with my son, but I do know that through Christ, I will see him again.  Isn't that all we have?  Our Faith?                                                                                                                                 S.Ervin

 
September 13, 2008, 5:07 pm CDT

I miss my daughter everyday.

Quote From: vsplacy

My daughter was born with a half of a heart and they did not expect her to live past 2 years old.  She lived until she was 13 in February of 1996.  I was so blessed to have her that long and I still miss her everyday.  When she started going through puberty her body just could not handle it and she went into congestive heart failure in Sept. 1995 one month after her 13th birthday.  She suffered terribly for the next several months and then January 28, 1996 she had a massive seizure and was rushed by ambulance to the childrens hospital. Because of the fluid build up in her body, her stomach was full and she had not eaten for 2 weeks except for tiny bites.  She was malnourished and very weak but the doctor's had said there was nothing we could do for her.  I knew that she would never leave that hospital again. She passed away a week and one day later.  Her organs were shutting down and she was so swollen and malnourished that it hurt for me to even touch her.  It was so sad because her mind was still healthy and she was saying she was happy to be at the hosptial because she always gets better at the hospital............she had no idea that she was dying.  I cannot explain the pain in my heart.  She was so very sick but she still was thinking of others, drawing pictures for the girl that was in the room with her because she felt sorry for her (awww) and worried because I wasn't sleeping or eating, that is just who she was.  Monday, February 5th changed my life forever.  They came in to take her blood pressure so they could put a Pic line in to get her some nutrients and they did not find a pressure so they thought it was the machine so they went to get another machine and tried again, this time again no pressure, all this time my daughter had her eyes shut.  She would always shut her eyes when they did something that was hurting I guess she would go to her happy place, that is what I taught her to do.  Anyway, after trying to take her blood pressure again she started retching and since she could not sit up because of the pain I ran over with my hands cupped to try to keep it from getting all over her...............it was pure blood.  I remember looking at her and saying "Oh my God, baby you are going to be ok, sweetie just go back to your happy place, everything will be ok.  She passed out after the second time of throwing up and stopped breathing then at 2:10 her heart stopped.  There was so much blood and the nurses said that she probably threw up all the blood in her body.  The doctor came in and said that when they took her blood pressure it was just too much and it burst the main artery in her lung and she bled to death.  This was my real life, heart shattering event that is forever burned into my mind.  I remember standing there after she had passed and looking at the body that had carried and tortured my daughters spirit and saying I hate that body so much for taking her beautiful soul away from me.  She would have turned 26 this year and has been gone for 12 years...........It seems like yesterday that I witnessed her death but seems like forever since I have seen, hugged, kissed or spoke to her.....................Please love every moment good and bad you have with your children because you never know when they will be called home.  God bless
You have my complete, hearfelt sympathy.  My 21yo daughter had 2 surgeries within a couple weeks of each othr. She had complained of headache and nausea since the first.  I got her out of the hospital on Thursday, and she went into seizures on my LR floor Monday.  The ambulance got lost.  Every time I would touch her, she would go into another seizure.  By the time the ambulance arrived, her lips were purple from lack of O2.  In all, it took almost 30 min. to get her to the hospital.  They unplugged her 2 days later, although I begged for more time.  She had 2 children (10mos and 22mos) who had lived with me since birth.  My 2 other daughters blamed me for her death because I did not perform CPR.  I ended up loosing one daughter to death, two daughters to grief (we are estranged), both grandbabies, and my home, car, breeding dogs, etc. do to lawyer fees and no medication coverage. Everything was lost.  My health is too poor for me to develop new friends or support system.  My prognosis is 3-5 yrs.  Therefore, I sit daily and weep for ALL that was lost ---alone---waiting to die.  I do not know how to move forward even if my life expectancy was longer.  I agree with your sentiments.  A blogger above claimes she had nothing to do, but see her grandbabies.  I consider her blessed.  I would cut off my legs just to SEE my babies.  I WILL pray for you, but have no words to offer---just my empathy.  I have never believed in the adage, "Misery loves company."  Knowing someone else hurts does not make me feel better at all.  It just makes life seem more filled with pain and loss.  People encourage you to be positive.  How can you do this when ALL, ALL, ALL you had was lost and you do not have the health to be master of your own fate, or just someone to watch a TV show with even.  I don't know.  I admire your ability to deal with her illness for so many years.  Take care and God bless.
 
September 13, 2008, 7:21 pm CDT

Heart Shattering Ordeal

Quote From: sueervin

I would like to comment on the one very tragic moment in my life that I shattered my heart.  November 3, 2004, I lost my 20 year old son in a car accident.  I was home alone when the state troopers came to the door to inform me of his death.  I can remember saying over and over,  "Please tell me you have the wrong boy."  From that moment until the  funeral was over, I lived on automatic pilot.  I think it is a blessing that I do not remember those first days, because I remember fully, the years that have followed.  Within the month, my husband and I entered grief counceling which was once a week for a year.  After that, I went for an additional six months.  The third of each month I go to the cemetery and write my son a letter which I keep in a folder. It would have been so easy to give up and die if it hadn't been for my oldest son.  I did not want him to think that I didn't love him enough to live.  God has been my strength and my help through this tragic time, and I still lean on him for support.  My husband and I have drifted apart because we grieved differently. I'm not saying this has been easy.  Just living each day has been very difficult, because there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my son and miss him.  I know this is something I will never get over.  It took me three years to convience my husband to sell our house and let me move to where there were people around me and no memories hitting me in the face each day.  Since I have moved, I found so much peace because I am not faced with each room holding a memory of my beloved son.  He was such a joy to me, and he and I were very close.  My husband refuses to move into the townhouse with me, because he felt I should have stayed where we were.  He felt I could just close our son's bedroom door and everything would be alright.  I know my life will never be the same again because a huge part of my heart is buried with my son, but I do know that through Christ, I will see him again.  Isn't that all we have?  Our Faith?                                                                                                                                 S.Ervin

My father was an alcoholic.  He drank every Friday, Sat., and Sunday. On Friday night I remember we would ride around to the bars so my mother could get at least some of the money because if not he would drink it up and no bills would be paid.  This kept on all my life.  I never spent one single weekend in my own home because my father would come home and try to get the money from my mother and violence would result.  I was the DA.  I was in charge of getting the other children out of the house and into the car.  We had emergency bags packed, i had to make sure they were in the car also.  I had my own key to the car and could back the car out of the driveway and in front of the front door, so my mom could run and get in and off we would go to a relative or a friend's house to spend the night or the weekend.  This went on until I was sixteen.  I got a job at General Telephone part time and was making good money for someone so young.  I bought my own car which my father stole and wrecked.  I fixed it.  But when he burned our house down, that was it.  My clothes that were store bought for the first time in my life were burned and melted to nothing.  I remember telling my mom, we were sleeping in the same bed at my grandma's house, that something wasn't right, I could feel it in my bones.  She just told me to relax and go to sleep, fifteen minutes later the phone rang and it was my Uncle Jake (my father's brother) telling us our house was on fire.  We drove up and I remember the fireman were pulling the carpet out of the living room and the piano that I loved so much was half in and half out the window.  The firemen were trying to save the piano but it was no use.  The house was a total loss and we had lost everything.  Let me back up and say that before I started working, I had to make all of my clothes.  Which now is a great skill, but I wanted to look like all the other girls.  I remember getting my first very own sewing machine which had melted in the fire.  But my clothes...I was sixteen....and my clothes were ruined.  My grandma (father's) lived three doors down from us and I ran down there with murder on my mind.  I was going to kill the SOB even if he was my father, some father.  Anyway, it took four police officers to pull me off of him because I was wailing him for all I was worth.  He was drunk so it was easy.  My father also molested me at 10 years old and nobody believed me.  He would taunt me about that - telling me nobody will believe you  - so I'm going to do this with you and you are going to cooperate.  It was horrible.  I am still not over it.  My own daughter was molested at 10 years old by her stepfather.  If only I had known what he was.  But I have learned we are doomed to repeat the past unless we recognize it and chart a new course for ourselves.  If only I knew that then.  Amanda, my daughter, will not even acknowledge that I am alive.  She will not let me be in my granddaughter's lives - she says it is their decision, but how can children make that kind of decision.  I kept those children when they were young for no money and I was driving from a town away.  But it didn't matter because I loved them so much.  I sit here all alone night  and day and try to think of a way to make amends with Amanda.  She is my only child.  But I wasn't the one who did it to her.  I own that I brought that man into our lives but you can see I was ill attempted to a full and useful life, I was broken.  I didn't know the right thing to do.  I got her our of that house the next day and we didn't go back.  He was found guilty and served his five years for taking indecent liberties with a child and given a bus ticket out of North Carolina because he was from St. Joseph, MO.  And told never to come back here.  He did though.  I was terrified to see him sitting at the end of our street one day.  And the hell of it is he has not registered as a sex offender in Missouri.  And I can't get the police to do anything about it.  Alcohol has destroyed my life (even though I don't drink), and my daughter's life (I don't know if she drinks or not).  I heard she got remarried and had a baby, I don't know the sex  of the baby, and has taken advantage of the housing problem going on and bought a house.  She has a secure job and he probably has too or she wouldn't have married him...she is all about the money.  There is no solution for this.  I will be dead in my grave and she will not even care a flip.  I would love to make up with her and maybe work on our relationship.  But she will not do it.  She doesn't care.  It is so awful.  I feel useless and unworthy and why should I feel that way.  But I do.  And nothing is going to change it.  I do see a counselor every six months...but that is just to renew my drugs.  There is no therapy going on there.

 

So I will just go on with my life and hope that someday she needs me.  I would love to make a baby quilt for the baby but she would probably just throw it away.  She hates me.  It's all my fault.

 

The End.

 

Barbwire1970 from North Carolina

 
September 13, 2008, 7:21 pm CDT

looking forward

Quote From: queenb2004

My heart shattered the day they told me during a biopsy that my husband harold  had pancreatic cancer I am trying to be strong as I care for him BUt I am so hurt and angry and life seems so unfair I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with this man we fought we loved and now I am losing him and I am feeling so helpless because there is nothing I can do but love him and watch him waste away knowing that once he is gone my life is over I  have always been his wife so what happens to me now no one to argue with no one to make up with no one to pick up after O Lord I cry why take my heart my love away from me I waited so long to find him and now he is leaving how do I go on
I can relate to this... although I didn't loose my husband to cancer. He battled against an addition to cocaine. I never gave up hope that he would overcome it.  He gave up though, he took his own life. He left for work one Saturday morning and never came back. That Sunday morning the deputies found him. I  was numb for weeks and told my children that he had died in an accident, I didn't want them to think that their father didn't want to come home to them and I could believe that he took his own life, I thought it had to of been an accident. A year and half later I still cannot believe he is gone. I had planned to spend my life with him, he was my best friend. Sometimes I am so angry with him, sometimes I just miss him, sometimes sad for him, because he felt no alternative and he's not able to be here to see his children grow up. Sometimes though, I am so thankful that I was given the time I had with him and that we did have two beautiful children. I try to focus on the postive only. I know the Lord only gives us what we can handle. I know life can seem so unfair, hard and frustrating but never give up hope. I know one day I'll understand why this has happened. I have learned to become very thankful for what I do have.
 
September 13, 2008, 8:12 pm CDT

Hard subject to confront

I lost my father at age 20 in 1981 to a farm accident. I blamed myself for along time and struggled with his death. I would drink alot , suffered with depression and overall fell apart. I believe there is no certain answer on getting over a shattered life. My healing started with a poem I found titled, Death is nothing at all by Henry Scott Holland. I would type it here but it might still be copywrited, but I suggest you try to look it up. I know it sounds strange but I believe it came into my life for a reason. It reminded me of what my father would tell me if  he could have before he died. It also made me think ,if any of our family could give us advise before they died would they tell us to blame ourselves and seek self destruction and suffer depression. No, family would tell us to  mourn for awhile then  move on with our lives but keep them in our hearts ,thoughts and prayers. I prayed for myself  to live untill my son was 20. He turned 20 this year and i took the time to talk to him. Because of the experience I had, I told him if something happens to me suddenly, to remember I love him and Its okay to mourn but life goes on and for him to keep me in his heart and we will meet again someday.   Find the poem and read it, I believe it will help   
 
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