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Topic : 12/23 Real Life: Heart Shattered

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Created on : Friday, September 12, 2008, 01:17:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/16/08) Are you prepared for the unexpected? Life is not a success-only journey, but when you're faced with difficult days, you don't have to become a victim. In his new book, Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Days of Your Life, Dr. Phil teaches you how to prepare for a crisis before it arrives, and how to get back to better days. One of the most challenging days can come the day your heart is shattered, especially if you experience a loss. Amber says she was living the perfect life. She and her sisters dreamed of marrying a man like their dad and having a great relationship like their parents'. She says they were totally blindsided on Father's Day when their dad told their mom he wanted a divorce. Hear their emotional story and learn what you can expect to feel when you lose something precious to you. Plus, find out Dr. Phil's action plan to help you get through the difficult period. Then, Sylvia is a mother to 4-year-old twins and is seven months pregnant. She was married to a Marine sergeant for seven years who tragically lost his life —  not on the battlefield — in a car accident when he returned home. Now, each day is a battle for Sylvia. Dr. Phil shares his action steps for grieving, in an effort to help the mourning mom move forward. Today, Sylvia is struggles to pay for her basic necessities. Don't miss Dr.Phil's amazing surprise for her! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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September 16, 2008, 1:28 pm CDT

09/16 Real Life: Heart Shattered

Quote From: redrose22

Sylvia has a right to be angry and her adult children should also be there to help her.  She has spent years taking care of them.  Both you and the children should cut her some slack.   She is hurting so much right now she is mental ill and not capable of taking care of anyone including herself.  I know she has to "Get over it" but give her some time .   She needs advice on how to keep her life in tack, financially , retirement, and all other things. If her husband did what he did , he is not through yet.  He will try and ruin her financially , now and in the future.  And chances are there is a women in the back ground.  Most spouse do not take a walk , with out someone there to pick up the pieces.    She needs a good lawyer, mental health person, and her family and friends around her.  She needs to vent , she is human......be kind to her.  Tell her you love her and be there for her, the children can still love Dad, and should know what Mom is saying is just her hurt and anger talking.
Hope the rest of your book is better than the advice on this subject.........I don't think you have ever had heart , gut wrenching pain , till you are physically and emotionally sick and drained.   The hurt people need help, not a suck it up and be brave advise for the rest of the world.
You are usually right on , but missed on this subject.

I don't think you're talking about Sylvia. She was the woman whose husband was killed in the car accident and has small children.

 

 

 
September 16, 2008, 1:31 pm CDT

09/16 Real Life: Heart Shattered

9-7-07 My husband,& best friend of 31 yrs. got up to go to work but had to lay back down & had a massive heart attack & was gone in the blink of an eye. I've never been on my own & was married my whole adult life. My whole life changed forever & I would like to say that it has taken a whole yr. of grieving to get to a place of acceptance. I want to recommend grief counseling, (churches have free counseling-Gates to Hope if offered is very good!) Do whatever helps you to get through it! I made all kinds of mistakes this yr. but I know now I can live on my own & I have done the best I could.  I also recommend Anne Graham Lotz's book "WHY".  She is Billy Graham's daughter & I think as a Christian we don't think we have a right to ask God why things happen, but I found out you can ask God anything & he understands. You may or may not get an answer but even Jesus asked God why he had forsaken him when he was on the cross. Also, being with other people that are grieving lets you know that everything you are going through is normal & o.k.     KFC
 
September 16, 2008, 1:50 pm CDT

loss of a loved one

A little over 4 years ago, I lost my mother to  a horrific death.  I truly miss her and still have days that I find myself feeling very angry.  I blamed a lot of people and things as to why this happen.  I guess it is hard for me to understand  why she had to die the way she did.  I was talking to her in the hospital after being there for several days already , due to having a heartattack and of course she was still not strong enough at the time.  The doctors had placed her on blood thinners and so on.  In probably about  7 to 10 days,she was up walking around and do little things.  But shortly after that they down sided her into a less supervised room.  Of course her words to me were "I am going to die in this room."  That night she went to a breathing spell and could not get her breath.  The nurses were changing shifts and I could not get the proper care and help she needed at that time. the nurses called code blue and my mother had another heartattack  Her words to me were "Don't leave me"  these were the last words she spoke.  About  3 to 4 days later they decided the needed to perform the open heart  surgery, of course it was only going to take about 5 1/2 hours, not,it took 15 1/2 hours and she alnost bleed to death on the operating table.  Needless to say she never spoke again, she laid there with her chest wide open, could not sew her back up and all this time I had to be strong for my 3 little girls and myself.  not a choice that I wanted, I  had already lost my father when I was 24 and my dad was only 45 years old.  I lost  my grandfather when I was 14 and he was 62, now my mother at the age of 62.  My life became a living hell, I could not function, I was like a zombie..  Just going through the motions of my daily routines,  The worst thing out of all this situation is that I hurt my kids because I could not get out of the bed, I didn't want to eat or talk to anybody.  I shut down.  But I did get the help through my doctors, who help me to cope with the loss and to deal with the life that I have now.  I  of course take medication for depression and ocd, but they help not hurt me. 

   Please know that even though they are gone from this earth, they are always here in our hearts and that is one place no one can take them away.  Everyday is a struggle and so is the holidays, but my parents are always with me and I us everything that they taught me towards my children.  I guess you could say I keep them alive in my words and heart everyday.. My heart aches, but I know that they are not suffering. Mom always said to me there are far more worse things than death.  How very true that is, because losign the person and being left behind is pretty far up there on my list.

    Today, I keep very busy, I moved close to the beach and I spend as much time with my girls.  I give them the security of knowing that death is a part of life and we all have to deal with in our own ways, but to always be positve about it.  My mother would not have wanted me to give up just because she was no longer here, she taught me to be a survivor and to know that God always has a purpose. 

 
September 16, 2008, 1:55 pm CDT

???

Quote From: leolee

At fifteen this roomer in my fathers rooming house started playing me alot of attention... he moved to another house few blocks away... Years latter i realized what he was up to. He now had place to secretly

have me over to work his sexual advances...At the same time one of my girl friends needed a place to stay...

After keeping her in my bedroom for severals weeks, roomer suggested she come stay with him...

I got pregnant ,,, roomer had a solution,,,we all move to big city  so my parents would not be to angry..

I n big city   money was scarce...  Roomer had a solution      he would bring males to our place so i would have sex with them that they would pay for.....We would have money...

I had been talked into so much I did not like [including awfull sex I did not go along with this plan...

I was beaten  i was beatten   After he fell asleep  i walked out and kept walking, walking 430 miles

to my married sisters house...

Five years later  I learned  he got 4 other young girls pregnant   [same time as me  he took them all to big city   to talk them into having sex with men he found...

Thirty years latter I learned he made near hundered childern..  Never paid a penny child support...

 

Life was tough for us[my daughter..   My daughter in her teens       screamed  at  me     WHY DID YOU NOT GIVE ME UP FOR ADOPTION SO SHE COULD HAVE BEEN ADOPTEDD BY  FAMILY WITH  HORSES...

 

what? are you for real?
 
September 16, 2008, 2:07 pm CDT

Heart Shattered

I would like the young mother, Sylvia, who lost her husband that time does help heal the wounds of losing a loved one.  Though at this point in her grieving process she can't realize this.  In 1997 I lost my husband of 21 years due to complications from diabetes.  He suffered so badly that in some ways his death was a blesisng.  Five years later I married again only to have my husband die 7 months later of a massive heart attack.  This time his family felt that I should just move on because we had only been married for 7 months.  For 2 years I lived in a fog that most people didn't understand or recognize.  There are still times when I am lonely - lonely for the love of my husband, but gradually things settle down and life goes on.  I shocked a family friend when after the death of my first husband they felt I wasn't "properly" grieving.  My response was "Bob died, I didn't!"  Time will heal some of the pain, but your husband will always live in your heart.
 
September 16, 2008, 2:09 pm CDT

To Sylvia

Dear Sylvia,

I'm so sorry for your loss. In the show, it was mentioned that your husband's military insurance ran out. Well I wanted to let you know that my husband is one of the top veteran's attorneys in the country & I just know he'd be more than happy to help you out. He's explained to me on more than one occasion about how military widows are entitled to benefits. I'm not trying to drum up business for him, he actually gets paid at the conclusion of a case by the government. If you're interested in speaking to him, you can contact him through his webpage: http://www.goodmanallen.com/displayattinfo.php?id=53. His name is Daniel Krasnegor.

Good luck to you,

Angel

 

 
September 16, 2008, 2:10 pm CDT

09/16 Real Life: Heart Shattered

My guess with the first father who left his family - is that he is involved with another relationship, perhaps with another man. The refusal to disclose his identity was a big red flag to me - his wife and children are there, it's not like people who recognize them aren't going to know who he is. Why would he refuse to appear, give his name or show his face?

The flippant attitude or "just get over it and move on" strongly suggests to me that he has a completely other lifestyle that does not and will never include his wife or daughters.
 
September 16, 2008, 2:12 pm CDT

Don't know where to turn?

 

Do you ever feel that no one really cares about you and your kids?  I lost my Dad when I was four years old and I lost my Mom when I was seventeen, I never really got over the loss of my Mom.  I am now in my forties with two beautiful daughters and my husband just decided he wanted nothing to do with us, so he moved out of the country.  My youngest daughter adored her father and can't understand why he did this and how he could just stop loving us.  I don't know what to do I feel so alone because I really don't have anyone to talk to.  We would have been celebrating our 23rd anniversary soon.  I am so devastated.  I don't think that are ways to prepare for such losses.

 
September 16, 2008, 2:13 pm CDT

Love

I was so proud of Dr. Phil, his staff and all of those who donated to that woman who not only lost her husband--the father of her soon to be 3 children, but also was loosing her faith.  She really needed that kindness!  That is a few less stresses in her life that she has to focus on now and this to me, was proof of Our Lord God's love, kindness, understanding and mercy.  His good works can be found through us, his children, everyday.  I will not pretend to understand her pain, anger, and the fact that she looks to God for answers--questioning him.  I just hope this helps answer the questions she has put to him.  It is only my small opinion, but I do humbly believe that we all have free will.  That alone is largely why bad things happen to good people.  He chose to leave at that particular time that day, and no telling what happened to make him have his accident.  It is more unfortunate than I can convey; this story broke my heart.  I pray that she and all others who have suffered a loss and/or are going through one now, can look to God for his strength and love; not push him away.  He may know the destinies of our lives, but that does not mean he wants bad things for us.  If he intervened every time something bad happened to good people, we would not have free will; the chance to chose right from wrong, go outside or stay in, etc... Our free will is our greatest gift!  I know these words are probably hallow to this woman and to others who are grieving; probably even annoying.  In fact, I also probably sounds preachy!  I have never lost anyone like she has, but I pray I keep God with me if it does happen, because I will need him.
 
September 16, 2008, 2:18 pm CDT

The Perfect Marriage???

My life was shattered the day I found out that my husband had been unfaithful to me.  He was a pastor and had been for 10 years.  We had 3 beautiful children.  We had our problems, as all couples do, but nothing that seemed out of the ordinary.  Then one morning he woke me up at 5 am and my life changed forever.

 

He told me that he had been caught at work (a paster, remember) downloading pornographic material onto his laptop.  The other pastors had found out and had called him in to discuss it.  I was shocked and hurt, to say the least.  I was also very angry.  How stupid to do something like that at work!  In a church!  I was disgusted!  He had always told me that he struggled with lust, but I didn't realize it had gotten to this.

He came home from work early that day.  They had told him basically not to come back.  The church would review it and discuss his future.  So now what?  No job meant no money.  I was a stay at home mom.  I could get a job, but what to do with the kids?  Thankfully, he immediately started looking for another job.  The church let him go and made him confess to the entire congregation what he had done.  We had been praying and talking and working through it.  We had also started seeing a marriage counselor that week.  I thought things were looking up.  The church was very supportive and my husband and I were dealing with issues together well.  Then the other shoe dropped...

Almost 2 weeks later, we were on the Internet together doing job/relocation research when I logged him into his email account.  There was a confirmation email from a dirty website that he had registered with just a few days before looking for contact.  I was disgusted again. I had to get out.  So I left to meet with our pastor and his wife.  We all came together later and my house to discuss things.  That was when I found out that he had been "in a relationship" with a woman online for the last 7 years...at least.  They had chatted, sent dirty emails back and forth and even talked to each other on the phone.  I also found out that they had met, at least once, in our airport when she was on a layover.  They never left the airport, but "made out" in a corner somewhere.  I wanted to seriously hurt this man.  I told him he had to leave our house.  At that point, I thought my marriage was over.  Things got worse when I started looking at the emails and into his phone records.  He had called her just a few days prior to me finding out. That was after he told me everything was different and we were working things out.  It was also Valentines Day.  My whole life was destroyed.  Everything I had lived was a lie.  While I was birthing and raising our 3 kids and grieving the loss of BOTH of my parents to cancer, he was fooling around with someone else.

 

I am very thankful to say, though, that God can work miracles.  He had to hit rock bottom to realize what he was doing and to stop.  We continued marriage counseling, got a new job, moved and started life over again.  God really worked in his life and in mine.  After a period of time, I was able to forgive him.  Now, almost 2 years later, we are happily married.  There are times that I think about what he has done and I get angry.  But that is past.  I have to life from now forward.  God changed him as well, from the inside out.  Our marriage is so much better now than it ever was before.  I still check up on him - emails, cell phone, etc.  Not as often as I used to.  And it comes up in arguments sometimes.  But I love him still and he is the father of my children.  I praise God for the miracle He has done in our lives.

 
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