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Topic : 09/23 Before You Do

Number of Replies: 116
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Created on : Friday, September 19, 2008, 05:23:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Every day, you make simple decisions as you go about your life, but once in a while, you're forced to make a big decision that has the power to change your life forever. When it comes to these big decisions, is there a way to know if you're really making the right choice? Dr. Phil is joined by Bishop T.D. Jakes, author of Before You Do, to arm you with the tools you need to make great decisions you won't regret. Sabrina and Bruce have been married for six-and-a-half years and have three small children. Bruce says there's no affection in their marriage, and Sabrina says they're constantly at each other's throats. To add to their misery, two of their children were born with medical problems, Bruce recently lost his job and their home was foreclosed. Should this couple stay and try to make it work, or part ways? Bishop Jakes weighs in with his five-point decision-making plan. Next, what would you do if your sibling needed one of your kidneys to live? Josh, 21, was diagnosed with kidney disease and needs a transplant. His brother, Tim, is most likely a match, but he can't decide if he wants to make the sacrifice. Find out why Tim says this is the toughest decision he has ever had to make. And, meet a couple who wants to get married, but there's one problem: She wants kids, and he wants a vasectomy! What does Dr. Phil say?

Find out what happened on the show.

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September 23, 2008, 2:48 pm CDT

Kidney

Quote From: ineedcoffee

Donating an organ is something that does need to be thought about carefully. There is nothing wrong with taking time to think about it. We don't know the relationship of the brothers. What if there is some serious dysfunction there? There are members of my family I wouldn't give body parts or anything else to. Even if they get along fine, it is ultimately the brother's decision, nobody can force him to donate. To the ones who say, "What if it was you; what if the shoe was on the other foot?" I personally would not EXPECT anyone to put their body in danger for me. If they offered, I would accept graciously and be forever in their debt, but I would not act like a brat if they refused.

 

About the kids or no kids......when are people going to start talking about this BEFORE the wedding? Actually, if you are dead-set on your decision, you should bring it up shortly after the first date. That way, if you meet someone with an opposing goal, you can part ways before things get too serious. Children are a dealbreaker. There is no compromising. I hope Dr. Phil will tell those 2 they need to break up.

I agree! People should never be put into this position. If the healthier brother offered, okay. If he didn't, hey the family should just assume there wasn't a match and look elsewhere. That potential recipient would even apply this kind of pressure says a lot.

 

I look forward to the day when other sources of transplants are available. Effective replacements would not require a lifetime of immuno-suppressing drugs.

 
September 23, 2008, 2:52 pm CDT

09/23 Before You Do

Quote From: sistersforever

I have been where this brother is.  My twin brother needs a liver and there is no way that I will give my liver to him because of the drugs he does.  He will not change and will continue to use the drugs and I can not see my liver going to someone who doesn't care.  He doesn't care about himself and so he will not care about the gift I would be giving to him.  It was a hard decision but I have to think about myself and understand that with or without the liver he is going to die.  I pray for a change in him daily but until he is ready to change his lifestyle, I will keep my liver and not judge those who chose to do the same. 
For people like you that say you will not give the liver transplant because of the drug thing. I have one question what have you seriously done to help your brother get over the drug thing? Did you get him help did you do an intervention, did you cut off all ties? Did you see the first signs to drugs? My guess is you didn't and now it is possibly too late.
 
September 23, 2008, 3:04 pm CDT

09/23 Before You Do

The first couple was sad...you could cut the thick resentment with a knife. I am not sure what to think of the husband; I feel she could probably do much, much better on her own or with someone else (further on down the line.) He just seemed like a whiner and self-pitier who makes everyone else's lives miserable.

Second brothers - what a nice, cute guy (baseball brother.) I am curious as to where he plays ball - I noticed the Trojan logo on his shirt and coupled with the thick Southern accent, I wondered if he plays at Troy University. Just curious.

Last couple needs to part ways or casually date/remain friends. At 20, she is going to find MANY other fish in the sea who like kids as much as she does. Both are too young to make that kind of major decision.
 
September 23, 2008, 3:10 pm CDT

Bishop Jakes

I watched your show on 9/23/08 with your guest Bishop Jakes.  I was appalled that the brother of the addicted hemodialysis patient was forced into feeling guilty over having doubts about donating his kidney .  I am a hemodialysis nurse and daily take care of those patients who have high risk behavior and many have failed transplants.  First off - your show lead the viewers to believe that his brother was going to wither away due to the dialysis.  Wrong - Kidney failure is terminal yes - however - it is the co-mobids that ultimately result in their demise. In this young man's case - his high risk behavior and smoking will lead to other illnesses which will ultimately cause him to die.  To lay guilt on this brother that if he doesn't donate he is killing his brother is wrong!!!!!!   He is not being selfish for having these doubts and sounds like a decent young man that would give his kidney if he was ask to anyone, but he is right to think about the psychological issues for himself as well as the health risk he is putting on himself by just going through the surgery.  The recovery isn't just a quick nip and tuck.  This brother is also taking the risk that one day his one kidney could fail and then he could end up on dialysis. 

 

Your show left a lot of unexplained issues when you took on the organ donation issue and to have Bishop Jakes present his view about brothers must save brothers and project guilt onto him is just wrong. 

 

This brother knows his ill brother is unable to be honest with him and would be unable to understand the magnitude of this decision and his responsibility.  Isn't his drug addiction  (his other disease) keeping him from thinking clearly??  (I seem to remember hearing you say frequently - "this isn't him/her, these are the drugs who are talking".  These 2 brothers need "knowledgeable " specialists who can mediate and counsel them.  Please leave this kind of decision to the transplant center staff.  I have seen too many families torn apart from donating an organ to a family member who were too selfish to appreciate the true gift they received. 

I didn't hear you offer this brother, like you do so many, assistance with getting help with his addiction and then lay down the law to him.  I only heard the guilt you layed on his brother who has been there for him in the past.  Why should he give him the kidney and then keep enabling him through out the rest of his life.  I can guarantee his brother won't be there for him anymore than now because his addiction is too great.  I believe in second chances but this person is not ready to take his second chance seriously.

 

L. Sullivan

 

 

 

 
September 23, 2008, 3:14 pm CDT

Tim and Josh

I am a kidney patient. One of my kidneys is dead and the other is well on its way to being dead. Everytime I go into the doc office, I wonder if this is the day that I will be told I have to go on dialysis. That will automaticly would put me on the donor list. I don't know if I could live with a family member holding the spector of a transplant over my head to manipulate my behavior. Now, I don't agree with the younger brothers behavior. But, I wonder if living in the shadow of the older, more successful brother has pushed him to drugs and drink. The younger brother needs therapy to really discover the basis of his self abuse and possible, even, death wish. Why doesn't he feel quite good enough? As to the older brother, if he feels that he will "own" part of his brother, then he darn well should move onto his baseball career and stop holding his kidney over his brother's head. When you give a gift, you give it freely. Once it has left your hands, it is no longer yours and you have no right to have any say as to what is done with that present. You may not like what it is done with it, but that is too bad. If the older brother feels sooo invested in that kidney (which I do understand) that he has to control his brother once he is given the gift, then he is not ready to give the gift freely with a full and loving heart. He needs to go play ball.

Once the younger brother has gotten his act together with counseling etc, then he can look for a donor kidney, look for a living donor or approach his brother again. I suspect that the younger brother has always looked at his life as a process of dying and not living it. His family should have taught him to live. He needs to learn to look at life as open ended, not as something that is dead ended. There is a lot out there for him, he just needs to see it and go for it. Live for today, yes, but also live for and look to next year as well. Let go of the bad stuff and live.
 
September 23, 2008, 3:27 pm CDT

09/23 Before You Do

I watched the segment with Tim and Josh and the dilemma about the kidney transplant with interest.

In the 1960's I was in college with a varsity wrestler who had only one kidney, and it wasn't his! It was his twin brother's.

My point is that having only one kidney may not preclude a baseball career in any way. He should check on that with a knowledgeable authority before convincing himself that giving a kidney would threaten his dream.

Wishing you both well.
 
September 23, 2008, 3:27 pm CDT

09/23 Before You Do

Why has Dr. Phil changed his format and invited all these so called experts in.  I find his new season on the boringside
 
September 23, 2008, 3:35 pm CDT

what an ignorant thing to say....

Quote From: jesskat

For people like you that say you will not give the liver transplant because of the drug thing. I have one question what have you seriously done to help your brother get over the drug thing? Did you get him help did you do an intervention, did you cut off all ties? Did you see the first signs to drugs? My guess is you didn't and now it is possibly too late.
 She is no more responsible for her brothers behavior than she is for yours.  She has every right not to give her organs to anyone.  Her brother is the only one to blame for the predicament hes in by choosing to be a drug addict.  When you choose to live like a victim instead of taking control of your own life then you have chosen to wither and die.  She is under no obligation to get him help...HE IS.  I'm sure she feels no guilt over the choice nor should she.  Its too late because of her brothers own choices and no one elses.  You need help with your blame shifting attitude.
 
September 23, 2008, 3:49 pm CDT

Kidney Transplant

I am a registered nurse on a Transplant Special Care Unit at a world-renowned hospital in Cleveland, Ohio.  The young man on today's show would not be eligible for a transplant at our hospital.  He would need to quit smoking, drinking, and abusing cocaine for a minimum of 6 months before surgeons would perform the surgery.  Transplant patients must show the ability to be compliant before surgery.  This is because they must comply after surgery, taking many antirejection medications on a twice daily basis for the rest of their lives.  If this man were to continue to live the life that he is currently living, he would likely reject or ruin the organ.  This would then be a waste of the wonderful gift his brother gave him and also of the transplant team's time and skill, which could be used on a better candidate.  Chances of organ rejection are high even in people who treat their organ wonderfully.  This young man needs to prove that he will take care of a new kidney, before he expects to receive such a life-changing operation.  Notice I say "life-changing" and not "life-saving".  Kidney transplants are not considered a life-saving operation because patients can survive without them on dialysis.  They do, however, drastically improve the patient's quality of life in transplants that are successful.  His brother has every right to be hesitant in making the huge decision to donate his kidney. Let's not forget that he is also putting his life on the line during the surgery. 
 
September 23, 2008, 3:59 pm CDT

09/23 Before You Do

Quote From: bluerabbit

I agree! People should never be put into this position. If the healthier brother offered, okay. If he didn't, hey the family should just assume there wasn't a match and look elsewhere. That potential recipient would even apply this kind of pressure says a lot.

 

I look forward to the day when other sources of transplants are available. Effective replacements would not require a lifetime of immuno-suppressing drugs.

Dr. Phil,

         I'm a dialysis tech.  I take care of people everyday, like Josh.  I was very upset  by your show today.  It seemed like your guest was trying to shame Tim into giving him a kidney.  Tim was right, if he doesn't take care of himself , "Do you really think he will keep that kidney?".  Josh needs to prove to Tim before he gets that kidney that he is going to stop doing drugs. That one thing can shut down that kidney.  So many people would do anything for a kidney,  if  he wanted it he would do it.  I have a brother that I love. If he needed a kidney transplant I would have to think hard. He uses drugs and that can stop kidney functions.  I also have two childern. If  I gave him a kidney and he messed it up, then one of my childern needed it and would have done what they need to keep it. They are out of luck. You need the whole picture on your show you needed a doctor on your show that done kidney transplants. I think your show would turned a different way.   I don't  think  a good doctor would do the transplant if he is going to abuse his body.

 
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