Topic : 09/23 Before You Do

Dr. Phil, I would like to comment on this topic. The topic for wednesday.  I have never seen or met my father. I have always heard stories about him from family memebers and those that know him, but I myself have never seen or talk to him. Dr.Phil, will you help me find my father?          

Before Do Doctor Phil You.  That is something that I never heard of. Tell me something that I donot know.--

See you on Tuesday September 23rd, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.----------------------------------

I think that the married couple with the children should try counseling and try to work things out. The couple planning to be married have totally different goals as far as having children. How do  you compromise on something like that? Even though it would probably be difficult, I think the best thing would be to go thier seperate ways. It would be a big decision to decide whether or not to donate an organ for some people. I have 4 siblilngs. One of my brothers is an alchoholic. If he should need an organ transplant, I think it would be definitely understood that he would have to quit drinking if I gave him one of my organs. And how in the world could you enforce that? Short story-over 30 years ago my late in-laws adopted a boy that my MIL had baby sat from 6 weeks old. The day they left to go get him, my FIL gave a short speech as they were putting thier coats on and going out the door. Part of it was "She wants to do this and I'm not going to stand in her way". I said nothing but was thinking "Oh my God he doesn't want to DO this". Three of thier grown kids were standing there and said nothing. After they left I figured someone would say" Daddy doesn't want to DO this." But, they were evidently used to my FIL going along with my MIL. Not in a bad way, he adored her and if she was happy, HE was happy. But to actually go along with adopting a child is going along too far IMO. As the boy grew he had behavior problems and learning disabilities and I could see as the years went by that my FIL resented the boy (IMO) and took it out on the child, and sometimes he and my MIL argued over things having to do with the child. My FIL treated him harshly at times. I definitely think some things should be discussed at great length before people act on them.

Tell  this couple not to get married.  Years ago I was  in the same situation, but it was after we married.  At least they talked about it before they got married.   I divorced him and spent years trying to get over feeling "was I wrong or not"!  They don't have the same goals.

Job loss, medical issues, foreclosure, wow, that's enough to test even the strongest marriages, I would think some withdrawl is normal, especially with worry and the depression that comes with it, and the snapping and arguing can also be caused by this, I'm not a therapist or counsellar, but stress can wreak havoc on any relationship, and maybe they just need help finding ways to vent without taking it out on each other.
Kidney Transplant, that's a tough one, and god willing I'll never be in that situation. On the one hand its your sibling, and you could save their life, then you have your own health and well being to consider, its not like if your remaining kidney failed you can ask for it back, and there was no mention if the potential donor has a wife and children to consider (recovery time from work, potential side effects, potential health risks etc. ) I don't think this man should be condemned for THINKING long and hard about this, actually it is something that should be THOUGHT about and facts should be placed on the table.
She wants kids, he dosen't, well my stand on that, if you don't want children then don't have them, too many children now are brought up by parents who didn't really want them, and to say well he MIGHT change his mind, so if they have kids and he finds it to be too much, does he get a free pass to say "Well I tried it, didn't like it, so I'm outta here. " NOPE, and so a child grows up being resented by its father, how fair is that to the child ? This is NOT a decision like what color car to buy, this is another life you are RESPONSIBLE for, and if you don't want that responsibility, then make it crystal clear and do what you have to to prevent it.

Dear Dr. Phil,

I was married to a man for 30 years (five dating and two months shy of 25 years married) who was verbally, physically, mentally and financially abusive to me....  I believe I tried everything possible to make this marriage work from talking, counselling, begging, pleading for him to listen - I was always wrong!!

I have three beautiful children... at that time they were 18, 20, and 22 girl, boy girl)
I was being treated terribly by my two daughters and after 3 1/2 years I said enough was enough that I was taking a '6 month hiatus" and of course both girls were very upset.  My oldest and I have re-connected and are doing well - not a hundred percent but we both know that we love each other - no question... the youngest who now is a lawyer - has refused to talk to me - as she said when I told her that I had to stop this nonsense..... she said "write it down twice and remember YOU said it".... we have seen each other twice in five years and agreed to correspond via email to make the transition easier.... I have always and continue to let her know that I love her.....

It has been five awful years in so many ways as I love her and miss her so much.... yet I know she is so stubborn and so dramatic that part of me does not miss those "gifts'..... She is beautiful, brilliant and so intelligent..... yet I believe that if I died tomorrow - she would not care!  Sad but true.  My two other children have talked to her till they are blue in the face.... but if you look in the dictionary under the word "arguement"  or "stubborn" you would see her face. (that is our standing joke with her) Yet it has helped her trmendously in her life and she is doing well as a lawyer.

Another complication was that my present husband did say to my daughter after she was rude to him (after so many rude behaviours) on the day of my mother's burial that she was a spoiled brat and my daughter went crazy and said that I would never have stood for that EVER and I said to the both of them I cannot deal with this right now I just buried my mother.  My present husband did apologize to her as in retrospect emotions were crazy and there was no excuse for such behaviour as I did...... I have apologized so many times over and over!

So some decisions are the MOST painful - yet one must stand their grounds ... and yes I had done all the "i I love you but don't like your behaviour. and I understood their pain, anger and I was sad that things didn't work out etc. over and over.  Now.the oldest two are in constant contact with me.... say that it is because my youngest knows that I love her and so she is in no hurry to connect....

I remarried to a man who was my friend and now is my best friend and as my son said at my wedding "I waited many years for this young lady to be happy and now she is" says it all....

I would love nothing more than to have my daughter back in contact with me yet I can honestly say that Ido not miss the "panic attacks....

Yours truly

Pat

I need to know how to make peace or live with my decision on being on my own again. I am married for the 2nd time to a man that has at least 2 addictions that are not good. I am about to have a nervous break down because I am tired of trying to deal with them and make things work. He sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. (At least that's what he tells me) We have been married only 7 months and it has been hell since the wedding night. I want to do right in God's eyes and would like to hear from Bishop T.D. and  you Dr. Phil and anybody else who has great advice.

 

Thank you,

peaches1063

I would like to comment on the brother that does not want to donate an organ to his brother.  How do you think you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you needed the organ?  What would you want your brother to do for you?  We have been there.  My husband has 3 brothers.  One of which is his twin.  When my husband was a teen he developed Type 1 diabetes, then in his early 30's high blood pressure.  The combination cause kidney damage and eventually caused him to have to go on dialysis.  This younger brother could not be tested for donation because he has Type 2 diabetes.  This oldest brother is a half brother (that we did not even know exsisted until he was in his 30's) he went to be tested, but was not a match.  His father could not be tested because he has type 2 diabetes.  His twin brother would not be tested.   My mother in law would not be tested because she has not been to the doctor in years and she said that she knew they would find so many medical problems that they would not have let her donate.  Long story short....my husband did not do well on dialysis, some people don't.  He was in the hospital 8 times in 1 year.  Twice in ICU, once the doctors really did not think he would make it.  My brother in law never offered to be tested, never offered any explaination of why he would not be tested.  My sister in law (this brothers wife) told me that he never offered to be tested because they have 3 kids that they have to think about, (we only have one child, which is brought up all the time) and he is the sole breadwinner for their family (we are a dual income family) and they discussed it and did not want to take the risk because of the family history of Diabetes, they did not think he could not risk giving up a kidney that he may need later in life.  This has caused a strain on family relations.  There is an unspoken uneasiness when we are all together.  We learned though this experience which family members we could depend, and it is sad that we could depend more on friends then family.  In our case blood was not thicker then water.  My husband did receive a kidney from a cadaver (person that died) that was a prefect match and he is doing wonderful. The family thinks that everything is fine, because my husband is doing so well.  But relationships have been damaged, trust has been broken, and my husband, although he has forgiven his brother, still does not understand how he could refuse to even be tested.  He once said they shared a womb, and have been side by side all their lives, he just could not understand why he would not even be tested.  None of this has ever been discussed in the open because my husband is afraid that it would only drive a larger wedge into the family.  This brother tends to do more and be closer to his wife's family.

I am surprised to read that Tim has to think about donating one Kidney to his brother John.      My mother was diagnosed with kidney failure and out of her 7 kids I was the only one that matched, I did not hesitate to make the decision, considering that I had just had a baby girl, my mother is the love of my life  and so is my daughter, she is now 10 years old and as healthy as can be.    

 

My mother on the other hand has been healthier than every member of the family and very much active at 65 years old with her kidney of 9 years old (my kidney).    I encourage Tim not to hesitate and give life to his brother John.   I would be devasted to know that I can give life to a loved one and continue to live with one kidney and find out that a member of my family died because I had a hard time making the decision.    Just know that it is such a wonderful feeling to give life to a loved one.    

 

I would be lying if I told you I was not scared, but that did not change my decision to go ahead with the transplant.

 

 

After 40 years I finally found my daughter that I was forced to give up to adoption.  If anyone would like to read my story, please visit my website at www.bonniesplace1.com  I hope and pray that if you are looking for a loved one that you will find them and your reunion will be a blessing. Bonnie