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Topic : 12/25 The Locator: Reunion Aftermath

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Created on : Friday, September 19, 2008, 05:26:33 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Original Air Date: 09/24/08) Do you have a friend or relative whom you've lost all contact with or have never even met? While you may dream about a reunion being a great and healing experience, reconciliation could also cause more heartache than you expect. Catherine was raised by her mother, never knowing who or where her dad was. She recently became a mom, and her desire to find her biological dad became top priority. When she did locate him, was the reunion all that she expected? Next, Angel has been trying to reconnect with her twin sons, Tylor and Taylor, for almost 20 years. With the help of Troy Dunn, a professional locator and host of the WE TV show The Locator, her dreams came true. See how the boys react to reuniting with their biological mother. And, when an adoptive mother finds out her children are going to meet their biological mother, emotions can range from joy, to tension, to feeling threatened. Follow the journey of the twins' adoptive mother, Ruth, as she shares her experience of  meeting Angel. Plus, the twins have never met their little sister face to face. Will this be the day? Then, Ricardo contacted Troy to help him find his brother, whom he had never met. Cameras follow their emotional first meeting, and find out the unexpected person who shows up. Have the siblings been able to maintain their relationship? And, if you're trying to find a long-lost loved one, you won't want to miss Troy's top tips for conducting your own search! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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December 31, 2008, 2:25 pm CST

Need your advise/opinion

I have not seen my family in 5 years as I married the love of my life in the United States and my family lives in a different country. I will be visiting my family soon for about a month and are hoping to meet my biological father. I am scared and concerned as I know this will affect my whole family. I was thinking of making contact with him again before I leave to visit my family. (He lives in the neighboring country of where my parents currently lives - a few hours flight). I have already told my parents that I am considering going to visit him for a few days on my own. My father who raised me does not give me any type of a response (very quiet) and my mother (very sensitive and anxious about the topic) want to visit her brother near where my biological father lives (a few hours drive) and want to meet me at her brother's after my visit with my biological father before we return together to continue my visit with my family. I am considering asking her not to do that and to just let me do this on my own.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS WITHOUT CAUSING PAIN AND HURT. I do not want to hurt anyone, but someone is going to be hurt either way. If I do not visit him he will find out about it (he might feel rejected by me) and if I do visit him it will open old wounds for my parents. I think it is like a band aid and that maybe I just need to rip it off fast. I am also not sure if I will receive a warm welcome from my biological father’s family. I am scared and concerned. I am also very curious to meet my biological father.

Please let me know if I am doing this all wrong. Any ideas or opinions?

Here is more background information:

 I leaned at age 29 that my father who lovingly raised me is not my biological father. We are 4 siblings and I am the second eldest (female) - I am the only half sibling as my mother did have an affair. The person she had the affair with is my father’s cousin and they grew up together. (I know this is messed up and weird). I was initially shocked and confused. I am now 34 and my parents got divorced a few years back. I am not angry and forgave everyone as I understand that we are all just humans and we all make mistakes. I have since been in contact with my biological father via e-mails and phone calls which slowly started to become less frequent and currently we are not in contact. I soon realized we have nothing in common besides DNA and that my father who raised me will always be my real father. I asked for a DNA test (as there was uncertainty) from my father who raised me and the test concluded that he is definitely not my biological father. My mother promises that the only other person was my alleged biological father (I do apparently look like him and he has always been sure that I am his biological daughter). The topic is a very sensitive issue in our family and every time I mention anything about it everyone goes on defense mode (especially my mother). My understanding of the situation is that my biological father wanted to be a part of my life and asked them for years to tell me about him. He did financially contribute in secrecy. I am his only biological child - he since married a woman with children from a previous relationship and also adopted a child. My father who raised me did not want me to know about him and asked that no one tells me (even though it seems that everyone, including two of my siblings and some friends, knew about this except me). No one ever told me and I figured it out myself the last time I saw my parents as my mother was crying a lot and could not look me in the eyes. I then confronted them and they finally told me the truth. My father who raised me also held this over my mother for all these years and she lived a life of immense guilt and shame. However, she stayed in contact with my biological father against my father’s wishes and this caused many problems in their lives. There seems to be unresolved feelings between them. I think this could be one of the reasons why this was kept a secret from me. According to my father he did not want me to find out because he felt that he is my father and wanted to protect me. According to my mother she did not tell me because my father made her not tell me. I am unable to talk to my mother about this as she becomes overly defensive and sad. I am scared about the visit as my mother will be a mess every time the topic is even mentioned. Also, every time she just sees me she becomes sad and that is what makes it so hard for me to visit my family. I sometimes think she wants me to be angry at her. I can not tell how my father and siblings are really feeling as they have not opened up to me. In addition, I do not know how my biological father and his family would feel towards me. No one will truly open up to me and this leaves me scared and confused.
 
January 24, 2009, 8:48 pm CST

12/25 The Locator: Reunion Aftermath

Quote From: pootietwo

I knew all my life that I was adopted and have a very loving family and now after 50 years, I have finally found my birth family. I started my search at 18 but in my state my adoption papers were sealed. My aoptive parents were ok with it at the time, but I didn't push the search until I gor older. My father died when I was 43 and my mom was i was 54 (in 08). But when I was 53 I went to court to petition the local court to open  my sealed records to see if there were any medical records. After I went to court - signed the paperwork I got a call from the judges secretary to come get a copy of my adoption papers and boy was I excited, scared but wnted to know if there were any info on my medical history and to my disappointment there wasn't, but at least now I had my birth mothers name, but also another disappointment no birth fathers name.

When I was about 30 I wrote a letter to the adoption agency where I stayed for a month after I was given up in Seattle - paid their fee to get MY "Non-Identifying" records - so then after getting my adoption papers I could make sure I had the right person, and I did. It took me three months for more research, and thru my adoption support group I found my sibblings. 2 were gone and 1 one lived in Ohio. I also found an uncle that lives in Utah - which someday soon I need to meet before he's gone. I also found out that my birth mother was gone and not knowing my birthfather who knows if he is still alive or not. He was older than my birthmother - they were not married - so a name I don't have. I have meet my older sister and then when we connected I found out that I had another younger sister that our mom gave up also for adoption, and she lives in Texas. If it wasn''t for the support group and their help I wouldn't of found out as much as I did on my other family. My story is a happy one and as you that are adopted some of the stories don't turn out so goo. I wish all the adoptees out there good luck with your search and hope they come out as good as mine did. One of the regrests that I didn't meet my birthmother and find out who my father is.

 

I am 42 and was adopted after 1964 which was when the Privacy Law was enacted. So, therefore, I do not have access to any court adoption records about me or my biological family. I feel that it is my Right as an American to have access to these records. However, it seems that the mothers of this time were promised anonimity. The non-identifying information was never detaild out to subscribe to the babys Rights to know what biological ancestory they may come from...medically or otherwise. I feel so angry about this as it is so unfair in this most "free based country" in the world. Today, I feel like an underclass citizen because of this unscupulous fact of law. I have none to few venues to find any info. about anything that includes my nameless biological history.

 

Baby Girl Smith

 
March 30, 2009, 7:42 pm CDT

Reunions

 Dear Dr. Phil,
I am an adopted mother. Who was adopted and has adopted. I want my son to find his mother, so he would get to know her. When I meet her , sh was so nice, she all so had a daughter named April. She didn't want her child because she was raped by her husband, so to be her ex. I adopted my son in Jacksonville,Florida. He was three days old when I took him home. He was born on Nov.28, 1982 at Baptist hospital. Me trying to help him. I just can't. I don't have the money. We were homeless and just finally got a place. I live NV and he lives in Cal. He is working to jobs. My health isn't great and going down hill. I want him to meet and talk with his mother. For the medical problems that he has. I never found my brother or sister and now I am 55 years old, but he has a chance. He is only 26 years old. His name is Thomas William Lee. My name is Helen Kelli Lee. I know that his mother is about 45. She was ten years younger than me. Please help us. Thank you, Helen K . Lee
 
April 3, 2009, 11:17 am CDT

For My father in law

My father in law had a daughter about 32-36 years ago that the mother gave up for adoption. He wanted to feep the baby, and even marry the mother, but because she was so young, her parents would not let them be married. Danny, my father in law, wanted to be a part of his daughters life so badly that after she was born, he about got into a fight in the hospital just trying to hold her. I really dont have a lot details about all of it because we dont really talk about it. My husband told me that he tryed to find her on time, and knows where the adoption went though, but he didn't have the money to continue with this search. I know that some day he would love to finally meet his lost daughter and introduce her to his son, other daughter, and her nieces and nephew.

If there is any way to help him I know that he would be truely grateful to know that she is okay.

Thank you

 
April 3, 2009, 2:04 pm CDT

12/25 The Locator: Reunion Aftermath

Dear Troy Dunn

Hi my name Is David Smith. My mom will not give me the information about my father. The name on my birth certificate for my father is Dave Smith Sr,but my mother says it was an alis name, his real name was Harold Von Hooven. I'm not sure really how old he is. I want to meet him.Hi my name Is David Smith. My mom will not give me the information about my father. The name on my birth certificate for my father is Dave Smith Sr,but my mother says it was an alis name, his real name was Harold Von Hooven. I'm not sure really how old he is. I want to meet him.
 
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