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Topic : 09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage

Number of Replies: 103
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, September 25, 2008, 01:17:13 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard2

Have you ever had a horrible day at work and came home and dumped your baggage on your spouse? Or are you the type to bottle up your emotions and shut yourself off to loved ones? Police officers and firemen have to look death in the face every day. Their stress levels are so intense that 75 to 90 percent of their marriages end in divorce. This was the outcome for Ty and Wendy's 11-year marriage. Ty is a police officer, and Wendy says he brought his anger home and treated her and their three kids like they were inmates in jail. Ty acknowledges his negative behavior and wants to know how to change it. The couple is considering getting remarried, but will they feel the same after Dr. Phil tells them the five things they must do to make their relationship work? Then, get a sneak peak at Kirk Cameron's new movie, Fireproof, which explores the private battles many people who work extreme jobs face. Kirk and the moviemakers join Dr. Phil and share why they were so passionate about getting this movie made. Then, Kelly says her marriage is in trouble. Her husband of 16 years, John, recently became a firefighter, and she says she feels like a single mom because he puts more time into his job than his family. And, hear from Karin whose husband, Karl, has been a firefighter for 19 years. Learn the ways she handles her husband's intense emotions and how they maintain a good relationship. These are not the only extreme jobs that can cause marital crises. If your spouse is a workaholic and your marriage is suffering, you don't want to miss this show. 


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September 25, 2008, 3:23 pm CDT

Police Wife 45 years

My husband never brought the job home.  However, the shifts, court dates, days-off cancelled and juvenile treatment of the officer by superiors affected our home life a great deal.

1.  Weekends off only every 6 weeks.

2. 3-12 and midnight shifts, very little contact with family particularly when children in school.

3. If court case on day off, must attend.

4. Officer legitimately ill, superior would come to home to ensure the officer was there.

    If doctor appointment, must call into his unit before and after the visit.

   One example, broken pinky finger on left hand, must stay home,   Wife 7 months pregnant

   at the time, fell on ice while having to pick up child from school.

5.The long hours and days of being alone with the children took its toll, at times.

6.If for some reason officer found to have "stepped on superior's toes," transferred to a

   dangerous area.  Offense on officer's part was issuing a ticket to superior's relative.

   My husband also asked for transfer because of officer's on the "take."

7.My husband feels the reason for many divorces was "cheating" and alcoholism.

8.Lastly, what hurts us so very much are the comments by family and friends about "bad cops."

9.His best years were walking a beat, the shopkeepers loved seeing him around.

10. On his last day of work, while on the way to a retirment party, he noticed a potential

      thief sizing up the candy shop.  He went in and stood around to protect the clerk until

     the suspect left.

11.His retirement party was superceded by a popular lieutentat retiring.  No thought of

     including my husband in the same party, just overlooked.   His Sgt. called me apologizing

    for the lack of recognizing his 34 years with his fellow workers.

   That's the story of an honest, family man who did his job.

12. There was no thought of divorce.   We raised five children, who have educated themselves with very

little financial support from us.   We now have a son in Medical School, Daughter Ph.D in Chemistry,

Daughter Ph.D in Anthropology, Financial Manager CPA and a nurse in E.R. at Mayo Clinic.

 

They grew up with examples of hard work, honesty and family love.

 

 

 
September 25, 2008, 3:28 pm CDT

fireproof your marriage & cheating

This episode just ended in NM.  WOW, first of all, lots of people have stressful jobs.  But, like it or not, EMS, police, first responders, firefighters, etc, it is really a different life.  They have a community all their own.  They are a different breed and it takes a strong person to do it.  I could not do it.

I am lucky that I understand the EMS side (some of it) because I am a respiratory therapist (and I have dealt with death/child abuse victims, etc.) on the job.  My husband and I have been together 32 years.  He was an EMT at 16 years old, (before we met) he's been a firefighter, fire chief, and paramedic.  Too many bad things happen and they see such horrible things.  As a wife, I didn't always know if he would come home.  Some examples:  One day he came home during his shift with the ambulance to see the kids.  He just tried, but didn't, to save a little kid's life. A 3 am phone call came in when our local fire chief and one of our EMT's were killed in a shooting. 

With that said, there is NO excuse for treating your family poorly or cheating on your spouse.  NONE!  My husband hasn't been "working the streets" in 15 years and runs a busy EMS eduation program.  But he has put his job first before his family and is nicer to his faculty and staff and gives them more of his attention than us.  He developed a very inappropriate relationship with his secretary.  He and I would be in an important discussion and SHE would call and he would pick up.  I was NOT afforded the same consideration.  But it was always important, while we were on vacation, on our anniversary, home sick, etc.  The guy today who was cheating, no excuses.  If someone isn't getting something in their relationship they need to say it, not seek out someone else to have sex with just because they want their ego stroked.

A show a few weeks ago mentioned that this man wasn't getting praise so he had an affair with someone else who put him on a pedastal.  Well SHE also did that but she did it to be allowed to do what ever she did or didn't want to at work.,  Her co-workers complain to him about her but he never believes anyone but her.  That goes for me and my kids also.  If she says it isn't so, then it isn't, no matter who it is. 

6 months ago I told him if he couldn't put me first to move out with her and her husband.  Since they don't share a bedroom (her poor husband has bunk beds in his) he probably could have the top bunk.  I also filled her husband in on all of the inappropriate behavior that has been going on.  He's still here.

He is now watching for stuff too.  Oh yeh, failed to mention we are all teaching at the same college now, except HER, she is a secreatary there.  And yes, I do have an action plan if he does it again.  The kids are grown and I can take care of myself.  And I have support of friends that I didn't have before.

 
September 25, 2008, 3:42 pm CDT

Does is get any easier?

I've been with my fiance for almost 3 yrs now.  We're both in our late 30's.  He's been a volunteer firefighter for about 16 yrs.  He's been working fulltime for an ambulance service for over a year now.  We have a 1 yr old son.   While I was pregnant, he had to go to South Louisiana alot to help with the station they took over.  Needless to say, he was working between 84 and 104 hours each week.  I was working fulltime also, so our time together was almost NONE.  I was working at a gas station.  I was on my feet for 9-13 hours a day (depended on if someone called in).  After the birth of our son, his work schedule stayed like this.  Even now, with the sale of that particular station, he works between 60 and 100 hours each week. 

I feel betrayed because I didn't have those "wonderful" feelings that I was "supposed to have" while I was pregnant.  I didn't have that supportive person in my life when I needed him.  He didn't seem to be understanding (even though he has a son from a previous marriage).  I stayed sick 24/7 with my pregnancy, losing 20 pounds by the time our son was born.  I was constantly tired.  When he got home, he was so tired that he'd just sit down and fall asleep.  After our son was born, I started feeling like a single mother.  He wasn't there for me emotionally, mentally, or physically (as in helping out with our son).

 Even now, a year later, though things are better than they were, I still find that I fight all the same negative emotions.  His shifts at work vary in length (as I'm sure you all know).  Sometimes I still feel like a single mother.  Sometimes I feel as though I'm a burden to him.  I don't work outside the home (yet), so I know this isn't helping in the matter.  I don't want to have these feelings of resentment, but they are there.  What I need to know is this, will this ever go away?  The feelings aren't as strong as they once were; however, I don't like the fact that they are even there.
 
September 25, 2008, 3:55 pm CDT

Go See "Fireproof"!

You guys should check out the movie "Fireproof". I just got back and Kirk and crew did a good job presenting the Gospel in a new way. Great stuff. Check it out here:

www.wayofthemaster.com

 
September 25, 2008, 4:08 pm CDT

09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage

Dr. Phil---Thank you so much for today's show.  It really hit home.  I have been teaching special education for 29 years.   Working with mentally and physically challenged students of various age groups can be stressful and heartbreaking. I love my job, but it is very difficult to turn it off when I go home.  The job is so much a part of me that it is difficult to make the transition back to wife and mom.  I love my family more than anything, but being a special education teacher is a very big part of my life.  You were right on today that you have to find a way to make that switch.   My husband lets me vent which helps so much. My children(both boys in college now) remind me when I sound too much like a teacher instead of a mom. Your show was an important reminder that I have to make that separation. Thank you --Dr. Phil!---Elaine(New York City teacher)
 
September 25, 2008, 4:32 pm CDT

Freshly divorced cop's wife

This show was amazing!  I thought that I was alone.

After 13 years of marriage, we are now divorced.  He was not an officer when I married him, and sure, there were issues.  But  once he became a cop - everything was in overdrive. 

Now I have a son who covers the back of his neck and head and dodges whenever a voice is raised.  He has issues that have a lot of initials attached to them and is hyper-sensitive to any hint of a name being. called a name. 

 

Now, my son is in counseling.

My ex-husband "moved on" while we were still married.

 

I am picking up the pieces and trying to hold my son and I together.

 

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.

 
September 25, 2008, 4:42 pm CDT

09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage

Quote From: kris12

I'm sorry but he didn't leave you  out. He specifically mentioned, "all first responders" several times. I'm pretty sure the category, " all first responders," includes EMS.
Yes, he did mention "All First Responders" atleast once, but it's the fact he put so much into firefighters and police officers and left out the other very important Public Service Providers. Obviously you do not have a Paramedic or EMT in your family or you would completely understand how leaving out a very important part of Public Service can be so insulting.
 
September 25, 2008, 4:45 pm CDT

Wow, what a show!

I'm not married to a Front- line Responder but my Husband is considering a career move to the police force.  We have had numerous times where we have considered divorce over the past 14 years, and seeing this show has made me extremely nervous of what could become of our marriage.  He has already told me that the Police Force is a different lifestyle and by past experiences he would throw himself into the job 110% at the expense of the family.  One point that stuck out to me was when someone said  we listen to what we want to hear, not what we should do.  I've had family members tell me to leave many times and when you are told that so often you start to think that way.  We have been through many trials in our 14 years of marriage - some things people would have divorced over a long time ago.  I don't think this movie just relates to First Line Responders, it will touch many peoples lives.  I look forward to seeing this movie ( I just hope it doesn't take long to get into Canada).  Thank-You Dr. Phil for this show today!

 
September 25, 2008, 4:52 pm CDT

09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage

Quote From: megmillspaugh

Yes, he did mention "All First Responders" atleast once, but it's the fact he put so much into firefighters and police officers and left out the other very important Public Service Providers. Obviously you do not have a Paramedic or EMT in your family or you would completely understand how leaving out a very important part of Public Service can be so insulting.
Not to mention it's still insulting at how many times he mentioned Firefighter's and Police officer's and had them on his show! And I feel I should mention that my husband also has a Law Enforcement background and has a degree, also is a firefighter and is a Paramedic. So it's not that I'm being prejudice against one Public Service, I just think that all Public Service should be held at the same level for the jobs they do! That's what's frustrating about today's show, the emphasis on Firefighters and Police Officer's and nothing about Paramedics or EMT's!!
 
September 25, 2008, 5:14 pm CDT

so true

 

This show was amazing! This is sooo true when you have a police or firefighter job! I am a police officer and my ex is a firefighter. Imagine those fights huh?!  But it can be worked out. It just takes alot of work on both ends. We have recently got back into a relationship  together after being  married  then divorced and we can totally relate to this show!

 

thanks

 
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