Topic : 09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage

Dear Dr. Phil,

My husband is both a firefighter & sheriffs deputy.  If 75 - 80% of firefighters & officers marriages fail, wow are we in for it!  My husband, Rex, has been with our fire department for over 9 years & 2 years ago became a deputy.  I never worried at all about our relationship when he became a firefighter, I was 5 months pregnant with our first son when he joined on.  I was, however, worried when he became a deputy.  Our deputies  (and entire department for that matter) don't have the greatest track records for being faithful partners.  Rex comes from a family of public servants.  His father was a firefighter for over 25 years where he proudly served as Battalion Chief, he was our local EMA director, as well as a deputy, all at the same time!!!  His older brother works for our sheriffs department as a Major.  Both served in the Air Force.  We definitely have some experience to back us up.  Luckily I married a great man with strong morals & ethics.  He will help people in whatever way he can, whether it be substance abuse help to just giving you a hug. To this day Rex tells me, quite often, how hot I am or how great I look today.  And this is a difficult feat because I have very low self-esteem & he has worked so hard in over 10 years of marriage to lift me up. 

He rarely brings his job home.  If he does, I let him rant on, & I usually rant with him because I want him to know I am on his side, ALWAYS.  Rex doesn't judge people strongly, he is so incredibly level-headed & very laid-back. I, on the other hand, am not.  I'm the difficult one to live with : )  He doesn't ask alot of me & never puts me down.

 But not to sound disgustingly in love, he is wonderful.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes I have to bring him back down to earth!  He really likes being a deputy & I have to remind him that he has a family who misses him, not his check.  He works so hard to support us that I remind him that while we may need the money, spending time with him is so much more important. We had a serious discussion about him staying on his cell phone when he would come in at night.  Now, when he comes home he only answers calls from family & turns his department phone off.  I made it clear WE want his time when he's there. The sheriffs department functioned fine before he arrived, & will continue to do so while he is away. I made him understand during this conversation what I needed & wanted and asked him what he needed of me.  I made it clear I wasn't attacking him.  His 2 boys are so important to him & he always takes time out to spend with them.  God, how did I ever get so lucky?! 

Anyway Dr. Phil, thanks for reminding me of what I have & just how proud I am to have it.

This topic is a sensitive one to me.  My husband is a police officer and deals with all of the stress that was discussed on your show.  I am a social worker and there are days when neither of us have anything left to give our own children (ages 6 and 3) let alone each other.  One thing that was not discussed is the problem with money.  Everyone knows that police officers are not paid as they should be and when you add student loans in to the mix- it is VERY hard to financially survive.  I do not like my job but stick with it to pay the bills and although my husband enjoys being a police officer, it hurts him to see the toll it takes on his family.  He works nights, and is usually called in for overtime- leaving me as a single parent repeatedly.  It is SO hard!  I completely believe the stats about marriage.  We've seen so many of our coworkers' marriages destroyed over and over again.  Constantly dealing with the evils of this world are almost too much for us too, but we keep plugging away because we love each other and our children too much to let it tear us apart.

My husband wasn't a police officer until after we married. If I could have only seen the future! We have 2 college age kids both live away from home now. SInce he has been in law enforcement he has missed almost all special occasions and when he was present, he was too tired so he might as well have not been there, but never too tired to go fishing! Many a holiday I have spent alone, many a christmas morning begging him to get up and see the kids...

Anyways, he now works prob 80 hours or more a week...and I am all alone all the time. He can't understand why I have a problem with that. I do not know any of his friends/coworkers, I am "not allowed" to go to his work or the town he works in. He has an apartment in town because we live outside the city limits and we didn't want our children in that school system and his position requires him to live in the city limits....but our kids are in college now so we could move to the city....he stays there most nites and sometimes he stays elsewhere but won't tell me where or with whom? He says I'm too nosey. I feel I have a right to know. Our house is falling apart, our marriage is gone, or intimacy is nonexisitant for 14 years!! all because of his job. He's saving the world and watching our marriage go down the drain. I have been begging him to go to couseling together...that we are wasting away our youth. Our kids are in college and we could be having a wonderful time just the two of ous.. All he can talk about is retirement. ..so hopefully they will errect a statue of him when he passes as one of the greatest law enforcement officers in the whole world...on his tombstone I will refuse to put loving father and husband....his children don't even know him and don't even like to talk to him unless they absolutely have to and he just doesn't get it. When he does come home all he wants to watch is negative cop shows and look up crime on the internet....he has become so negative about everything I don't even know if he has any joy in his life.  I have been begging him for years for his attention and he says I have just bitched him to death....just asking him to do help with a house hold chore was "bitchig" to him...but I'm coming to the conclusion that you shouldn't have to beg someone to be with you...if they wanted to they would...so to all of us spouses waiting for them to love us...we need to decide if they're worth waiting for....

You're prob asking...why not divorce...I don't want to be alone but I am alone..idk...

I want to that you for promoting Fireproof the movie and having Kirk Cameron as your guest. It is wonderful to see that there are celebrities that are not afraid to acknowldge their Christian faith and what they believe in. I have seen the movie and I highly recommend it! I woud also recommend "The Love Dare" book as well as the "Love and Respect" book and curriculum by  Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. My husband  and I host pre-marital classes and are marriage mentors through our church and we have found that the "Love and Respect" curriculum to be helpful personally and for the couples in our groups as well. May God bless all of you!

Hey,

Read my response titled...Eye Opener. Seriously, try some of these ideas. I really feel for you  and the situation you are in. Hopefully he wants the same and will have an open mind. It really can work if you are both wiling.

Best Wishes...