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Topic : 11/27 Extreme Moms

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Created on : Friday, September 26, 2008, 01:14:58 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 09/29/08) Parents: Is it better for your children if you're a helicopter mom who hovers over them, or a hands-off mom who allows them to learn independence? This hot-button topic has sparked debates across the country. Lenore is a mom who says kids need more freedom so they can learn to survive in the world. To prove that children are more adept than most parents think, she left her 9-year-old son, Izzy, in a New York City department store with $20, a subway card and a map. Was he able to find his way home safely? Some moms, like Maria, say Lenore's actions were extreme. Maria, a mother of three, says she's constantly hovering over her children, especially her 17-year-old daughter, Madeline. Is Maria doing more harm than good? You won't believe what Madeline has to say! Next, hear from Sarah who admits her 12-year-old and 8-year-old sons are almost never more than a few steps away from her, and comedienne Daphne Brogdon who says helicopter moms need to "let go and lighten up." Then, Dr. Jim Sears, co-host of the new show, The Doctors, weighs in with the biggest health risks of being a hovering mom. And, follow up with Ashlee and her mom, Teresa, who first appeared (link to: /shows/show/595/ on the show to discuss Teresa's overprotectiveness. Five years later, Teresa says Ashlee is a rebellious and rotten teen. Ashlee, now 17, wants to go to college and live in a dorm room, but her mom won't let her. Does Teresa have valid concerns for keeping Ashlee on a short leash? If you're a parent, or about to become one, you don't want to miss this show! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

 
lstewart3
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September 30, 2008, 1:23 pm PDT

Extreme Moms

Quote From: mariajh

Hi There! I am the blonde, overbearing mother on this show.

Just wanted to respond by saying I agree with almost all of these posts. I mean, honestly, I wasn't on Dr. Phil because I was completely normal, right?! But I want to assure all the posters who question what I do all day that I do indeed work. I am a freelance copywriter as well as penning a weekly newspaper column, entitled, ironcally, Mother's Daze. In additon, I teach Journalism to elementary school childrem. So, sadly, I truly can't blame hovering on idle hands. And, since the show was taped, I really am making changes!

Thanks for everyone's thoughts!

Peace out.

Hi! I think it's great that you are taking Dr. Phil's advice to heart. I know the changes you are having to make are difficult but it will be best for your children in the long run. Good luck and take care.
 
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nnjgirl
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September 30, 2008, 1:26 pm PDT

Independent Kids

I raised my son in Phoenix, which is not NY, but a large city just the same. He began using the public busses at the age of 8. He would meet me downtown after work & we would go the the art museum, dinner, etc. It gave him a great sense of mastery & self worth to accoplish these things. He moved out of the house when he turned 18 & is attending junior college. He has never been drunk or done drugs & is a kind, compassionate, aware person. I think parents lose sight of the fact that our job as parents is to raise self sufficient, contributing adults who are excited to challenge the world. Working full time, I did not have the time to chase & spy on my child! These women have too much time on their hands & need to get a life of their own! They need to realize that they are not doing their kids a favor by being overprotective & hovering. My son & I hit some rough points during the high school years, but have THE BEST relationship now, as respectful adults who can discuss any topic. I still continue to guide him, but half the fun of life is to live it YOUR WAY, it is your life & no one can live it for you. That is the best gift parents can give their children.
 
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loopykd
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September 30, 2008, 1:47 pm PDT

Happy Medium

I am a stay-at-home-mom who has a parenting style between the hovering and hands-off moms.  My parenting style has a couple of points that I swear by:

1.  If I have to make a decision about my daughter whether she can or can't do something, I consider my own feelings on the outcome.  If it hurts me, it's the right decision.  If it is more convenient for me, it's wrong.  For example, when she was a baby, if she was crying at night and had trouble sleeping, I would not go in to pick her up and console her.  In the short term, it was bad for her in that she kept crying and was uncomfortable.  In the long run, it taught her to get herself back to sleep.  For me, it would have been easier to go in and pick her up because she would stop crying and I wouldn't have to listen to her anymore.  Easier for me and more convenient for the household = wrong thing for her. 
2.  Teach her all the things she needs to become a good productive member of society and expect the pain of her leaving me.  If I do my job correctly, she will leave me with the greatest pain of all.  She will move out on her own, possibly to another state, and I'll only see her on holidays and vacations.  This will be painful for me, but really great for her and what I hope will happen.  I am currently anticipating that my 8 year old will move out and get a job and get married and have children of her own that I will only see occasionally unless I am lucky enough to  have her live in my town.  This is how it should be and I am to expect it. 
3.  My husband and I have to agree on all parenting points or there is no point in moving on. 

I teach my daughter what she needs to know.  She can cook, make an omelette by herself, although she doesn't have to, she has an alarm and wakes up for school on her own.  She dresses herself and knows her vital information, though she doesn't have to.  Her parents are her soft place to land at any given moment and she is aware of that all the time.  I think this is the happy medium between the extreme moms in your show yesterday. 
 
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angel111999
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September 30, 2008, 2:30 pm PDT

PARENTING STYLE

Quote From: loopykd

I am a stay-at-home-mom who has a parenting style between the hovering and hands-off moms.  My parenting style has a couple of points that I swear by:

1.  If I have to make a decision about my daughter whether she can or can't do something, I consider my own feelings on the outcome.  If it hurts me, it's the right decision.  If it is more convenient for me, it's wrong.  For example, when she was a baby, if she was crying at night and had trouble sleeping, I would not go in to pick her up and console her.  In the short term, it was bad for her in that she kept crying and was uncomfortable.  In the long run, it taught her to get herself back to sleep.  For me, it would have been easier to go in and pick her up because she would stop crying and I wouldn't have to listen to her anymore.  Easier for me and more convenient for the household = wrong thing for her. 
2.  Teach her all the things she needs to become a good productive member of society and expect the pain of her leaving me.  If I do my job correctly, she will leave me with the greatest pain of all.  She will move out on her own, possibly to another state, and I'll only see her on holidays and vacations.  This will be painful for me, but really great for her and what I hope will happen.  I am currently anticipating that my 8 year old will move out and get a job and get married and have children of her own that I will only see occasionally unless I am lucky enough to  have her live in my town.  This is how it should be and I am to expect it. 
3.  My husband and I have to agree on all parenting points or there is no point in moving on. 

I teach my daughter what she needs to know.  She can cook, make an omelette by herself, although she doesn't have to, she has an alarm and wakes up for school on her own.  She dresses herself and knows her vital information, though she doesn't have to.  Her parents are her soft place to land at any given moment and she is aware of that all the time.  I think this is the happy medium between the extreme moms in your show yesterday. 
What a great way to bring up your "family"!
"There's no place like home" to have
"children learn what they live".
Sounds like you have a great "family unit" like mine. That positive "attitude" makes for well rounded children
to be "responsible adults".
Glad to see that there
is another "mother" who brings up their children like I do.

"PARENTING STYLE"
makes all the
difference in the
world! Success to all parents who use this method. GOOD LUCK!
 
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lstewart3
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September 30, 2008, 3:32 pm PDT

Breaking the helicopter cycle

I am a product of the helicopter parenting style. Both of my parents were raised by hovering mothers. Although my mother was somewhat overprotective, she also let me have more independence as I got older. My father became more hovering and controlling as I got older. As a result I was very rebellious and spent most of my early adulthood trying to grow up. There are times I still do not feel as mature as most people my age.

 

Now I'm married with a daughter of my own (11) and am working hard not to repeat the same behavior of my parents and grandparents. I tend to be overprotective at times. I don't let her go on many sleepovers although I allow her to have friends stay over. I drive her to school and pick her up instead of letting her ride the school bus. Lately I let her stay after school for sporting events and activities without being present myself. She calls me from her cell phone when she's ready for me to pick her up. My husband and I are both trying to stress that she has to show responsibility to gain freedom. My hope is that when she grows up she will have the confidence to move out on her own, go to college (even if it is across the country), have a family of her own and not feel smothered by her parents.

 
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oliveyou
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September 30, 2008, 6:10 pm PDT

I'm sorry

Quote From: mariajh

Hi There! I am the blonde, overbearing mother on this show.

Just wanted to respond by saying I agree with almost all of these posts. I mean, honestly, I wasn't on Dr. Phil because I was completely normal, right?! But I want to assure all the posters who question what I do all day that I do indeed work. I am a freelance copywriter as well as penning a weekly newspaper column, entitled, ironcally, Mother's Daze. In additon, I teach Journalism to elementary school childrem. So, sadly, I truly can't blame hovering on idle hands. And, since the show was taped, I really am making changes!

Thanks for everyone's thoughts!

Peace out.

Forgive me for making a false assumption of you.  With all that on your plate and the need to hover, you must have felt completely stressed all the time! Congratulations on your ability to make the needed changes for your children and yourself. You clearly love your children very much!
 
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kivarocks
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September 30, 2008, 8:28 pm PDT

I HAD HANDS OFF PARENTS.

   With all the freedom I had to explore the world around me I had lots of confidence to go out in the world.By the time I went to College all I wanted to do was Graduate and be successful.I had no desire to party and drive fast cars because I had all that out of my system.On the other hand I have a 17 year old teenager a few doors down that is being raised like hes a 4 year old girl.His mom won't even allow him to eat lunch at the High School becase a girl may come onto him ?? He must be in at 8:00 PM and can't leave the street  {[it's as if he is under house arrest for no reason]}.I tried to talk to her this summer because she has him on such a SHORT leash and it's not giving him confidence to go into the world He dreams of fast cars,fast Sleds and slutty girls and BEER parties in college.She is a selfish women that does this because she has anxiety problems and controlling him makes----> HER FEEL BETTER !I 3 men on our street figure this nice teen male will be dead in his 20's and I'm sadly in agreement ! If your going to be selfish and raise a Teenager like this then know that consequences WILL OCCUR.Like Aids,Alcohol abuse,thrill car racing,financial overspending on boy toys,failed marriages as he won't have a woman control him like his mother and finally an EARLY OVOIDABLE DEATH.
 
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kivarocks
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September 30, 2008, 8:32 pm PDT

AMEN YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY SANE.

Quote From: oliveyou

Forgive me for making a false assumption of you.  With all that on your plate and the need to hover, you must have felt completely stressed all the time! Congratulations on your ability to make the needed changes for your children and yourself. You clearly love your children very much!
  I do pray it's not too late.Maybe you could write a book about the DANGERS and SELFISHNESS of over protection.
 
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kivarocks
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September 30, 2008, 8:39 pm PDT

LOVE IS A CHOICE.

Quote From: lstewart3

I am a product of the helicopter parenting style. Both of my parents were raised by hovering mothers. Although my mother was somewhat overprotective, she also let me have more independence as I got older. My father became more hovering and controlling as I got older. As a result I was very rebellious and spent most of my early adulthood trying to grow up. There are times I still do not feel as mature as most people my age.

 

Now I'm married with a daughter of my own (11) and am working hard not to repeat the same behavior of my parents and grandparents. I tend to be overprotective at times. I don't let her go on many sleepovers although I allow her to have friends stay over. I drive her to school and pick her up instead of letting her ride the school bus. Lately I let her stay after school for sporting events and activities without being present myself. She calls me from her cell phone when she's ready for me to pick her up. My husband and I are both trying to stress that she has to show responsibility to gain freedom. My hope is that when she grows up she will have the confidence to move out on her own, go to college (even if it is across the country), have a family of her own and not feel smothered by her parents.

  You have chosen to love your child above your own fear for the sake of your daughters confidence and success in the world.GOD BLESS what you are trying to do ____differently_____.
 
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mettat
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September 30, 2008, 9:25 pm PDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: lynch1079

Dr. Phil,

 

I cried through your entire show because I am a helicopter mom in the making. My kids are 3, 4, & 5. Sarah and I have a lot in common. I will not let my children out of my sight, ever! I won't even let my 5 year old take the school bus because there are older kids mixed on the bus (grades k-6 on one bus). I watch my 3 & 4 year olds through the window of their preschool class door just like Sarah. I am even seriously considering homeschooling so that they are always with me. I know I should change but I just can't! God forbid if something ever happened to them and I wasn't there I could never live with the guilt.

 

So, Dr. Phil says I am selfish for wanting to protect my kids.... then what do I do? You were quick to tell the Mom's to let go and let them live their lives, but how do you know when they are ready? What are the baby steps to take with them? What comes first?

 

If you really want to help the kids, Dr. Phil, then do a show on how not to be a helicopter mom. I am willing to make some changes but I don't know how or when to let them have some freedom. Even Dr. Sears talked about "older children". What age is "older"? I would not consider 9 older but Dr. Phil didn't have a probelm with him being on the subway with hundreds of child molesters in the neighborhood. YIKES!  I hope I won't be like this when they are 17 but I don't know when to start.

 

I don't want my kids to end up like Ashley, rebeliious and angry. Please help me before its too late!

 

Debbie

Debbie,

I am Ashlee's Mom and let me say one thing, Ashlee is not an Angry child.  She for the most part is a happy 17 year old that is trying to test her wings and at times a put a stop to it.  What the show edited was that I agreed to let her go to collage and live at a dorm or apartment as long as she can pay for it.  I am trying to make her responsible and they made it seem like I was  still narotic.  I have been working on letting her do her own stuff but I do have limits.  You have to decide for yourself when you feel that you are ready.  Your kids are still young right now, but this is a scary world we live in.

 

Teresa
 
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