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Topic : 11/27 Extreme Moms

Number of Replies: 264
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Created on : Friday, September 26, 2008, 01:14:58 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 09/29/08) Parents: Is it better for your children if you're a helicopter mom who hovers over them, or a hands-off mom who allows them to learn independence? This hot-button topic has sparked debates across the country. Lenore is a mom who says kids need more freedom so they can learn to survive in the world. To prove that children are more adept than most parents think, she left her 9-year-old son, Izzy, in a New York City department store with $20, a subway card and a map. Was he able to find his way home safely? Some moms, like Maria, say Lenore's actions were extreme. Maria, a mother of three, says she's constantly hovering over her children, especially her 17-year-old daughter, Madeline. Is Maria doing more harm than good? You won't believe what Madeline has to say! Next, hear from Sarah who admits her 12-year-old and 8-year-old sons are almost never more than a few steps away from her, and comedienne Daphne Brogdon who says helicopter moms need to "let go and lighten up." Then, Dr. Jim Sears, co-host of the new show, The Doctors, weighs in with the biggest health risks of being a hovering mom. And, follow up with Ashlee and her mom, Teresa, who first appeared (link to: /shows/show/595/ on the show to discuss Teresa's overprotectiveness. Five years later, Teresa says Ashlee is a rebellious and rotten teen. Ashlee, now 17, wants to go to college and live in a dorm room, but her mom won't let her. Does Teresa have valid concerns for keeping Ashlee on a short leash? If you're a parent, or about to become one, you don't want to miss this show! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.


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September 27, 2008, 7:08 pm CDT

I respect you

Quote From: caholloway

I am a hands-off mom.  I believe if you don't teach your children while they are young,  you are going to keep them forever. My sons are 11 and 8 y.o.  They get up everyday for school by their own personal alarm clocks. They make their own breakfast and off to school. I never have to get out of bed.  My boys know the routine well.  After school they use their own house keys to get in...even if I'm home.  The boys come home 15 mins apart.  They know to get their snack and sit and do homework.  They do all their assignments first that they can handle and then ask for help on whats left.  I make dinner 3-4 times a week (depending on work schedules).  Once a week the boys will make a meal. It might be simple one, but they cooked it.  They have mastered....eggs,  grilled cheeses and soup,  raviolis or speghetti,  chicken nuggets/strips and fries, etc.  The point is they are learning responsiblity and they will never go hungry.  After dinner they know to take their showers at their times and they know where the dirties go.  They know their room is to be cleaned before they leave for school or no TV for the entire day.  So they make sure it is done for bed.  They set their alarms and they go to bed when its time.  We are always around and can assist when help is needed.  They are always given a hug and a kiss before bed and told I LOVE YOU. 

 

My children do not get paid for doing CHORES around the house.  That is their right to live here.  CHORES consist of cleaning their rooms,  making sure their bikes and toys are put away outside, and up keep of their play area in the basement.  Once in a while they vaccum or dust and even take the trash out or unload the dishwasher. 

They do get paid for going above and beyond though. They are taught if you do a good job and work really hard you will get a paycheck.  When my boys work in the garden or pull weeds in the flower beds,  wash our trucks for us,  etc.  They will get a couple of bucks for this.  the yougest boy will even go to the neighbors and ask to pull her weds for $5.00.  The lady paid him $7.00 because he did a great job and she even helped him. 

 

I don't feel giving them room to grow is wrong.  There are too many in society that choose not to work and bum their entire lives and I refuse to allow my children that path. 

 

My boys are also educated in other survival skills. they know first aide and CPR.  They know what to do when someone is bleeding or if someone was to fall and how to protect their neck and back.  They know how to call 911 and all their data they will need to tell him.  They can name 5 close friends of the family and their phone numbers in case they ever needed something. My children have been taught about disease and how they could get it and how to stay safe when helping someone else.  I am a NREMT-B and I have prepared my children for life.

YOU DESERVE A MEDAL!!!! That is the sweetest thing I've read on here in a long time.  I especially loved the "cooking capabilities" part.  Your boys will make two women extremely happy one day.  Keep up the good work. I truly believe parents who don't take the initiative to teach their children these values, they really are doing their kids a dis-service. It not only allow them to take pride in theirself but gains the respect from others. Not to mention, teachs them how to survive in the "real word" the right way. 

 

I appreciate you for instilling that in your boys because in doing so, people like yourself will not have to support them forever.  What I mean by that is, they will not have to depend on government welfare to survive, they already have the means and the knowledge to do it on their own.. 

 
September 27, 2008, 8:45 pm CDT

Help me understand

Quote From: trigreen

No, not just our own children, but children as a whole.  Often, times I find that extremely overprotective parents not only damage their own children, but are so other zealous about there own children getting everything, they hurt other children in the process and don't even care.  

Granted I haven't seen the show yet but from the preview I saw I was already rolling my eyes at the blond mom in the debate.   She was running around wasting gas in her SUV spying on her daughter who will probably be in college in a year acting wild and experimenting with everything because she was never given the ability to learn from her own mistakes or to make her own chooses.    

Now let's just take this type of overprotective mom.  She goes and buys an SUV because she thinks it will keep her little spoiled ones safe(even though study after study has shown that SUVs are actually more dangerous).  Then the next mom goes and buys an even bigger SUV.  Then the mom after that goes and buys an even bigger SUV.   Even though they won't outright admit it what they are saying by doing this is I can't control my kids and drive properly because I haven't bothered to properly discipline them and give them everything they want, so while I am driving with my head turned backwards trying to keep order, I would just assume kill someone elses children.   Then they all go and scratch there heads when they take there kids to the doctor and they all have breathing and lung related problems due to all the air pollution.   They then turn around the criticize the doctor saying that doctors in there days were beter at keeping them healthy (they were also up against a lot less).  

Now, I'm not saying give you kid 20 dollars and strand them in the middle of New York City, but there are things that all kids need to know that many don't get taught.  All kids should know how to use public transporation, manage finances/budget on a basic level, and understand how to share with others. Treating children like they are in a bubble, produces spoiled children who can't take care of themselves. 

If everyone cared about everyone elses children as much as they cared about there own all the children would benefit and the world would be a much better place.      

I am sorry but I have to ask.  Were you being hypothetical in the third paragraph?  If so, it was a slightly unrealistic analogy.  What does the next mom buying a bigger SUV than the last have to do with being overprotective of your kids?  I find it hard to believe that an overprotective mom would actually run the risk of taking another child's life just so she can check up on her own without their knowledge.  I am a very literal person that's why I take your comments this way.  I'm not trying to be rude or derogatory, I'm just very literal and logical.  Anyway just curious!

 

I do, however agree with you in the second paragraph.  Parents who shield their kids too much so often times create a curiosity in them because they never were allowed to experience it on their own.  Thus, leaving the parents dumb-founded when they do find out. I'm not saying let your kids go out and experience drugs/alchol and become sexually active at an early age but don't smother them either because that is what will happen, eventually. I firmly believe children should be prepared instead of protected.  Protect them from child preditors? ABSOLUTELY!!!  But not from things for which they need to be preparred.  I find it hurts the child in the long run which, follows them into adulthood.  The reason I know this, I am that adult!  I was a child with special needs so, my parents felt they had to shield me from "the world".  I'm not griping, I have the best parents!  They were only doing what they thought was best for me at the time.  Anyway, even at 27 they are still in the habit of protecting me.  I will alway be enternally greatful to them but their comes a time when you have to take responsibility and do things one your own.  That's kind of where I feel they failed because they've always done everything for me.  Now, I haven't a clue how to make it on my own!

 
September 27, 2008, 8:52 pm CDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: willmse

My mother was the "hovering" type.  Now in my 50's I understand her concerns, however, her hovering led to my early marriage without being prepared to understand men.  Subsequently I divorced with child in tow.  Throughout the years I learned, but not until it was too late for my own child.  Because of my mother's "hovering" I was too lenient.  I love my son, he's a good man and finally in his 30's he is growing up, however, he deserved to be more mature earlier in life. I did not teach him responsibility by giving him chores  or ensuring he monitored his spending wisely.  My recommendation, try to balance the hovering and letting go.  Independence at 9 years old is a little much, however, it's a good age to spend the night supervised of course, with friends to learn social skills.  The same advice goes to the "hovering" mom's.   12-13 are good years to go to school functions in groups.  15-16 dating in couples with parents driving and picking the teens up.  17& up , if you've raised them right you'll know what they should be allowed to do.  Don't lose you're children in their adult life by either being too strict or too lenient.  Either way, they will have no time for you when you are ready to enjoy you're grandchildren.  For the last few years I have been rebuilding a relationship with my son that should have always existed.  Good luck and hopefully all mom's will succeed with learning and improving their skills.

I firmly believe in age-appropriate independence and responsibility!  That is the key if parents want their kids to successfully fuction on their own.
 
September 27, 2008, 9:26 pm CDT

Extreme Moms /Non Extreme Moms

I live next door to a mother who has 2 kids boy & girl. Both under the age of 12. During the summer, when she's not working, which is about 60% of the time, she locks the door on these kids for hours and they can't go inside their house. So, they wonder all over this 700 pop. town. No one will do a thing CPS is 80+ miles away and they don't care what happens in this little speck of a town. There are so many kids just out and about at all hours of the night. Now that school started, no big deal. It's a shame and the local Sheriff's Dept turns a blind eye.. The girl has a learning disability, and it shows, the mother hasn't helped her child. The girl, since I've been here has had so many casts on her arm..One begins to wonder what abuse is going on !! The boy is a troublemaker, in the neighborhood and had "taken" items from peoples yards. Have had many a neighbor complain. but no one will do anything.  This women needs to have her kids removed, they'd be much better off..You don't lock your kids out of the house, for hours, cuz you're "napping"..   The father is in Prison for life..DRUGS and who she is married to now. isn't any better,. I just keep to myself, lock up, when needed and keep my dog from those kids.. I don't need my dog poisoned.She has threatened me on that!!
 
September 27, 2008, 9:29 pm CDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: angel111999

I CAN'T BELIEVE A PARENT WOULD LEAVE THEIR 9 YEAR OLD
SON IN A N.Y. CITY DEPARTMENT STORE WITH $20, A SUBWAY CARD AND A MAP.
BEING WITHOUT PARENTAL SUPERVISION IS A FORM OF "ABUSE".
IN THIS DAY AND AGE, THERE ARE CHILDREN BEING ABDUCTED
THAT ARE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THEIR PARENTS. WHY DOES SHE THINK SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE
THAT TO TEACH HIM "INDEPENDENCE" WITHOUT THINKING THAT SHE MAY BE CAUSING HIM HARM? THERE ARE SO MANY SEXUAL PREDATORS LOOKING FOR AN OPPORUINITY TO
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OF A CHILD ALONE LIKE HER SON IN NEW YORK CITY!!!!
THERE ARE BETTER WAYS OF TEACHING YOUR
CHILD "INDEPENDENCE".
THIS WAS NOT THE RIGHT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHE NEEDS TO GO TO SCHOOL TO LEARN HOW TO BE A
PARENT..........NEEDS TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "RIGHT" AND "WRONG".
WHEN YOU ARE A PARENT, YOU MUST BE "RESPONSIBLE" NOT "IRRESPONSIBLE"!!!!!!!.

Oh, you took the works right out of my mouth!!!  As I'm sure everyone knows, NYC is by far one of the the craziest cities on the map.  I love it there as far as historical marks but even I was nearing a mental breakdown and I was with a group of people.   

 

One of my personal experiences on a NYC subway, I was with my family riding just to see some points of interest and as you know you can walk car-to-car.  It was night time and a lesser than desireable man walk into the car we were in.  I am in no way passing judgement because he could not help his outward appearance but it looked like he was completely covered with leprosy.  He was steadily prophesying on how everyone was going to be damned to hell if they didn't turn their life around and live the way he was talking about.  It scared me to death, I just knew someone was going to whip out a gun and we were going to get caught in the crossfire.  Luckily, I was wrong.  I've never been so scared in my life!  That's why I can't imagaine a woman DELIBERATLY leaving her son there ALONE with nothing but $20 a SUBWAY card and a map.  You're absolutely right, that's child abuse in every since of the word!  Anything could have happened, like you said.  I am constanly asking the "what if" questions.  It's sad that people don't have anymore smarts than that.  This mom isn't "just irresponsible," she's down right stupid!!!

 
September 27, 2008, 10:24 pm CDT

not a hoverer

I have a son who is alomst 8. Although I am having to let him grow up and learn things on his own. I by no means would ever leave him somewhere in public and have him find his way home.  There are way too many perverts out there!  I was over protected by my mom...she had good enough reason but never explained anything to me...so I rebelled.  I've had a hard life as well by marrying the wrong guys who abused me. 
So I want my son to grow up knowing how to make correct decisions.  I will guide him, but I certainly won't smother him.
 
September 27, 2008, 10:30 pm CDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: shelly_80

YOU DESERVE A MEDAL!!!! That is the sweetest thing I've read on here in a long time.  I especially loved the "cooking capabilities" part.  Your boys will make two women extremely happy one day.  Keep up the good work. I truly believe parents who don't take the initiative to teach their children these values, they really are doing their kids a dis-service. It not only allow them to take pride in theirself but gains the respect from others. Not to mention, teachs them how to survive in the "real word" the right way. 

 

I appreciate you for instilling that in your boys because in doing so, people like yourself will not have to support them forever.  What I mean by that is, they will not have to depend on government welfare to survive, they already have the means and the knowledge to do it on their own.. 

wow I am simply AMAZED !  You do deserve a medal.  To be able to teach them to do that much so young.  Mine is almost 8 and getting him to clean his room is a pain.  He does do it...but it's messy  still. Although it's not near as bad as it used to be.  He does earn an allowance for cleaning his room, helping with dishes, and laundry.  I think it gives him incentive.  If he does his chores, he gets 3 dollars a week.  If not..he gets nothing.
 
September 27, 2008, 10:36 pm CDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: fanni50

 

You have to teach your children at a very young age right from wrong and when to say OK or run.  You have to give them a reason to give you trust.  If this is done and you continue it through out their growing up years then you shouldn't have to hover. 

 

Too much hovering may cause a child to become distant and keep things from you which in return will cause a hovering mother or parent to wonder if their child can be trusted. 

 

Show them love, honer and trust.  Make sure your time with your child is quality and give some of yourself to them instead over them.

I agree with you 100%.   Kids need parents that can find the even balance to learn to be responsible.
 I forgot to mention earlier...that when I pay my son allowance I have also been teaching him to save up to a certain amount before he buys a toy.  I also don't let him spend it all at one time, well usually...unless he's worked really hard to save up like 20-30 dollars.  Sometimes I'll meet him half  way when he's saving for a game to buy.  And he's only going to be 8.  My mom taught me the value of a dollar growing up and I try to do the same w/my child. 
I may not be a perfect mom, but I certainly try really hard.  He is happy and loved and gets straight A's in school so far. 
I've gone back to college and kinda feel like I'm not giving him enough attention because of my homework load.  I am 31 and finally am getting a degree in Business.  My boyfriend supports the household for the most part, for I don't have a lot of income.  But I am hoping that I'm setting a good example for my son to teach him how important education is.  I've already started talking to him about going when he graduates..and he's 3rd grade lol!
 
September 27, 2008, 10:36 pm CDT

mother needs help with teenage daughter

my 15 year old ran away 3months ago and now she is 2months pragnet, when i reported her as a run away.i told the lewiston police and the spokane police that she left her note book out, and yes i read it and in it she said that she is going to meet a older a boy  and she wants to have his baby  and thats what  she did just like the note book that she wrote said

the  boy  is 18 and she got pragnet by him now here,s the kicker she wount go home with me in inless i let the boy move in with her in my home and have the baby or she will run away she said she would jump out of the car, i  have no one to help me the police all they can do is put another run away report on her and who knows i might never see her again...   o my gosh i dont know what to do help  me please i need all the help i can get

 
September 28, 2008, 12:46 am CDT

LOVE, HONOR AND TRUST YOUR CHILDREN

Quote From: fanni50

 

You have to teach your children at a very young age right from wrong and when to say OK or run.  You have to give them a reason to give you trust.  If this is done and you continue it through out their growing up years then you shouldn't have to hover. 

 

Too much hovering may cause a child to become distant and keep things from you which in return will cause a hovering mother or parent to wonder if their child can be trusted. 

 

Show them love, honer and trust.  Make sure your time with your child is quality and give some of yourself to them instead over them.

I WAS SO IMPRESSED WITH YOUR WORDS OF KNOWLEDGE...LOVE, HONOR AND TRUST YOUR CHILDREN.
ANOTHER THING THAT
I LIKED WAS GIVE
THEM "QUALITY TIME". SO MANY PARENTS TODAY ARE BOTH WORKING SO BY THE TIME THEY GET HOME, THE CHILDREN ARE
IN THEIR INDIVIDUAL ROOMS MOSTLY ON THEIR COMPUTERS OR WATCHING TV
OR ARE OFF DOING SPORTS AND OTHER ACTIVITIES.
WHEN IT COMES TO DINNER TIME,
THE FAMILY DOES
NOT SIT AT A TABLE
TO EAT TOGETHER
AND TAKE TIME TO HAVE A FAMILY DISCUSSION WHICH
MY FAMILY DOES DO
AT LEAST 5 NIGHTS A WEEK.
ANOTHER PART OF YOUR MESSAGE I
LIKED WAS "GIVE
SOME OF YOURSELF
TO THEM INSTEAD OF OVER THEM". BEING A PARENT IS SUCH A HARD JOB, BUT IT IS REWARDING THAT YOUR "CHILDREN
LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE"..IT SOUNDS YOU KEEP YOUR FAMILY WITH A STRONG BOND OF LOVE ALONG WITH ALL OF WHAT YOU SHARED OF YOUR PARENTAL WISDOM.
I AMIRE YOU...THANKS !!!!!!!
 
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