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Topic : 11/27 Extreme Moms

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Created on : Friday, September 26, 2008, 01:14:58 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 09/29/08) Parents: Is it better for your children if you're a helicopter mom who hovers over them, or a hands-off mom who allows them to learn independence? This hot-button topic has sparked debates across the country. Lenore is a mom who says kids need more freedom so they can learn to survive in the world. To prove that children are more adept than most parents think, she left her 9-year-old son, Izzy, in a New York City department store with $20, a subway card and a map. Was he able to find his way home safely? Some moms, like Maria, say Lenore's actions were extreme. Maria, a mother of three, says she's constantly hovering over her children, especially her 17-year-old daughter, Madeline. Is Maria doing more harm than good? You won't believe what Madeline has to say! Next, hear from Sarah who admits her 12-year-old and 8-year-old sons are almost never more than a few steps away from her, and comedienne Daphne Brogdon who says helicopter moms need to "let go and lighten up." Then, Dr. Jim Sears, co-host of the new show, The Doctors, weighs in with the biggest health risks of being a hovering mom. And, follow up with Ashlee and her mom, Teresa, who first appeared (link to: /shows/show/595/ on the show to discuss Teresa's overprotectiveness. Five years later, Teresa says Ashlee is a rebellious and rotten teen. Ashlee, now 17, wants to go to college and live in a dorm room, but her mom won't let her. Does Teresa have valid concerns for keeping Ashlee on a short leash? If you're a parent, or about to become one, you don't want to miss this show! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.


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November 30, 2008, 9:50 am CST

11/27 Extreme Moms

Quote From: housewife52

Dr.P is featuring the extremes of the 2 examples. I think the goal is to find a happy medium. I was very close to my 2 kids when they were little. I tried to give them more freedom as they grew older. It's not easy being a parent and knowing when to let go a little at a time. Most parents I know are somewhere in the middle of the mothers on the show.

This is my goal as well. I grew up in a foster home with my sister, and our foster parents never let us do anything, disapproved of all of our friends (for no reason), read our diaries, basically too involved with our lives. Of course along with all this overprotectiveness, they also mentally abused us, telling us we are ugly, our parents never loved us, they would mimic us, sit and stare at us while we were grounded and make faces at us. We were never allowed up to our rooms unless it was bedtime, because they couldnt keep an eye on us. Well when I was 15, Child protective services came and took me out of the home and into a new foster home. This foster home, I had parents who let me have freedom, at first I had no idea what to do with it!!! But having lived there taught me independent skills, and I would be so lost if I had not lived with them.

 

Now, I am a mother of a six month old, and I do admit I am scared of her becoming a teenager one day, and scared of letting her go eventually, BUT I know that it is something I will have to do, because it is my job to teach her independence. My husband and I are going to put her in a tai kwan doe class when she is old enough, because we believe that it will teach her not only self-protection, but also good self image, respect for herself, and self discipline.

 

As for the nine year old going out on his own, well I believe that he was likely ready if his mother was allowing him to go out... It is not always about age, but readiness and maturity, and she obviously felt he was ready. Would I let my dd out in the city alone at 9? Not likely, BUT thats the difference between myself and another parent. I am not going to jdge her on her parenting skills, the boy seemed mature enough.

 

The mother who called her daughter all the time, stalked her and wanted her bf to pee in a cup for urine analysis, etc etc, well yes pretty extreme, but she knew she had to change, she knew it was wrong. She seemed nice enough. My foster parents thought they were doing right, would even argue with our family therapist about it, so I think it is a positive thing that she knows she shouldn't be acting that way.

 

 

 
December 4, 2008, 11:56 pm CST

You have inspired me

Quote From: shelly_80

YOU DESERVE A MEDAL!!!! That is the sweetest thing I've read on here in a long time.  I especially loved the "cooking capabilities" part.  Your boys will make two women extremely happy one day.  Keep up the good work. I truly believe parents who don't take the initiative to teach their children these values, they really are doing their kids a dis-service. It not only allow them to take pride in theirself but gains the respect from others. Not to mention, teachs them how to survive in the "real word" the right way. 

 

I appreciate you for instilling that in your boys because in doing so, people like yourself will not have to support them forever.  What I mean by that is, they will not have to depend on government welfare to survive, they already have the means and the knowledge to do it on their own.. 

Not that i hover, but my son is getting ready for college and he needed to give his high schools admission office envelopes with stamps in which to mail off his h.s. transcripts. The boy didnt even know where the address goes on an envelope or the location of where the stamp should be, where the return address went.  I felt like a failure, i couldnt believe it.  i drew him a diagram, so at least now he knows.  My sons do cook but only on my direction, i have one boy who will cook for himself on the nights that me and dad are just too beat to even think of dinner. Is it too late to start? but i live in chicago and they are killing kids left and right here in the city, innocent by standers are being gunned down for no reason at all, so yes i am scared to death when they are not with me, but its something i just have to deal with and then they come home to me safe and sound. I guess i need to get more organized.  they do chores, but again i have to tell them.  not all the time, but sometimes.
 
December 5, 2008, 12:16 am CST

"Abuse" please gimme a break

Quote From: lilybud1971

You and me both, I cant believe there arent more  people on here freaking  out about  that. Some one needs to report her to CPS. So sad and so scarey, all at the little boy's expense. When he is older (if he makes it that long) maybe he will ask him mom "What the HELL were you thinking?" She's an idiot and doesnt deserve such a child.
Its not like this kid was not prepared.  did you even listen to the lady.  The boy is familiar with public transportation, he lives in NYC, who doesnt know about trains and buses, its the main form of transportation.  He knew his phone number, had a cell and had sense.  That's why so many suburbankids dont have a clue, cuz they live in a bubble, to be a city kid, you gotta know how to get around.  My sons take the bus everyday to school public transportation, my oldest kid starting taking the trains at 11. All of my kids have cell phones and they know all pertinent numbers in case they need something. You people are acting like she dropped the boy of the end of the earth without a parachute.  Our job as parents is to raise our kids to live without us. Or would you rather be supporting your offspring for YOUR entire life?
 
December 5, 2008, 7:24 pm CST

Shame on Helicopter Parents

All you helicopter parents get out the smelling salts!  My husband and I allowed our 7-year old daughter to fly alone from Lubbock, Texas to Connecticut to meet my sister for a visit. (This was in about 1975 or 76) She was on a flight where she didn't have to change planes and the flight attendants were very good and helpful with children flying alone.  My reason was that I wanted to build capable children because when I was growing up, I was an extremely overprotected child and never allowed to go anywhere but to school or to church with my parents.  I didn't get to make decisions or choices and felt somewhat handicapped when I was grown.  I am now a very independent, capable, assertive person but I had to get there by my own will and determination.  I didn't want my daughters to be so handicapped.  My youngest flew alone to New York when she was about 10 and her plane was late returning and she missed her flight from Houston to Lubbock.  But she said, "I remembered that daddy said to keep my head screwwed on," so she got a flight attendant to help her make the connection.  The attendant called my husband waiting at the airport in Lubbock.  She got home with no problems.  I always gave them opportunities, within safe parameters to make decisions, do things on their own, and trust them until they proved untrustworthy, which they never did.  They were not perfect, but they grew into two awesomely capable, competent young women who know how to manage their jobs, their money, make decisions.  I was so proud of them.  As an adult educator, I spoke to groups on building capable kids.  I so strongly believe in developing confidence and competence in children at a level that is age appropriate.  I would not be comfortable in allowing a child out in New York by himself, but that is because I grew up in a small town in the south.  But that mother seemed to have a sensible head on her shoulders and prepared her child.  When children accomplish small steps successfully, it builds their confidence and they can continue to grow and assume more responsibilities.  Hovering parents CRIPPLE their children. When one daughter was in college, she had two or three issues she was dealing with, and I gave her some suggestions, and said, "when you work it out, you will be really proud of yourself."  A few days later, she called all cheerful, and had worked through the problems on her own.  And she felt proud and strong and capable.  

 

I, too, am afraid for children in today's world.  I worry more about my two granddaughters today than I did about my daughters, but I still believe they need to be trusted to gradually do things on their own with adult's overseeing the experience responsibly from a distance.  It's a gradual process, not a "throw them out to sink or swim".  Parents always need to responsibly oversee a child's safety and welfare, but smothering them at an age when they are capable and should be allowed to do things on their own is irresponsible parenting, and as Dr. Phil said, it is done for the parent's good feeling, not for the good of the child.  Our job as parents is to PREPARE our children to function on their own without us.  Keeping children chained to you by encouraging their dependence is SELFISH!!

 
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