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Topic : 11/27 Extreme Moms

Number of Replies: 264
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Created on : Friday, September 26, 2008, 01:14:58 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 09/29/08) Parents: Is it better for your children if you're a helicopter mom who hovers over them, or a hands-off mom who allows them to learn independence? This hot-button topic has sparked debates across the country. Lenore is a mom who says kids need more freedom so they can learn to survive in the world. To prove that children are more adept than most parents think, she left her 9-year-old son, Izzy, in a New York City department store with $20, a subway card and a map. Was he able to find his way home safely? Some moms, like Maria, say Lenore's actions were extreme. Maria, a mother of three, says she's constantly hovering over her children, especially her 17-year-old daughter, Madeline. Is Maria doing more harm than good? You won't believe what Madeline has to say! Next, hear from Sarah who admits her 12-year-old and 8-year-old sons are almost never more than a few steps away from her, and comedienne Daphne Brogdon who says helicopter moms need to "let go and lighten up." Then, Dr. Jim Sears, co-host of the new show, The Doctors, weighs in with the biggest health risks of being a hovering mom. And, follow up with Ashlee and her mom, Teresa, who first appeared (link to: /shows/show/595/ on the show to discuss Teresa's overprotectiveness. Five years later, Teresa says Ashlee is a rebellious and rotten teen. Ashlee, now 17, wants to go to college and live in a dorm room, but her mom won't let her. Does Teresa have valid concerns for keeping Ashlee on a short leash? If you're a parent, or about to become one, you don't want to miss this show! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.


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September 28, 2008, 11:58 am CDT

mom's

are they cazy!   dropping a 9 yr. old and dropping him opff alone in any towm!  i belive in teaching a child at a young age, but, give me a break!  do it little by little. like maybe drop him a block off around your block, and as age and time goes on do more. there is so many perverts out there, it's not even funny, and they look like you and me! i have taught my 10 yr. old about street  smarts, but i'm, not going to drop him in town and tell him to find is way home. any thing could happen i don't smother him, but i know where he is at , at all time. as time and age goes by, then i will allow more freedom, but come on lady----your asking for trouble!

      i have a freind that smothers her daughter, and i think that she is cazy for doing it. i belive that she is just asking for problems, as she gets older,  well for me--- as a mom, give kids independents, but, be wise about it. according what you know there ready for.

 
September 28, 2008, 1:35 pm CDT

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING

Quote From: angiegriffo

well this is the point, YOU , dont know the child or the mom yet you are outraged at her actions, I would guess the situation would depend on the two people in guestion and the time in training for this journey, In some parts of the world children do not have parents by this age and are left to fend for themselves. At some point you may need to get off your pedistool and look at the reality!! This parent feels her son needs to learn how to do certain things to survive and honestly You do not get to judge her reasoning, if you wanna help go after the pedifiles not the MOMS.

Thanks for reminding us how limited in mind some people are in this country!

I DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER COUNTRIES DO, IN THIS COUNTRY NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO THERE ARE "PREDATORS" EVERYWHERE.
THAT'S LIKE PUTTING
A CHILD IN THE WILD FOR THE WOLVES TO PREY ON HIM...DEATH RESULTING!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO NEW YORK CITY? THERE IS SOMETHING BAD HAPPENING ON ALMOST EVERY
STREET CORNER. NO MOTHER I KNOW OF....EXCEPT YOU.... WOULD ALLOW HER CHILD TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH DANGER. HAVE YOU HEARD OF CHILDREN BEING KIDNAPPED
FOR CHILD PONOGRAPHY AND USED AS SEX SLAVES??
YOU GET REAL....A.9 YEAR OLD CHILD SHOULD NOT BE PLACED IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION JUST TO MAKE HIM INDEPENDENT...
THAT IS A FORM OF CHILD ABUSE. IT IS ABSURD TO THINK THAT HE WILL BE
SAFE IN AN ENVIORNMENT LIKE THAT. READ THE NEWSPAPERS AND YOU WILL SEE I AM NOT WRONG.
ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS READ A BOOK ON HOW TO GET HER SON TO BE "INDEPENDENT", .....
OR GET SOME SUGGESTIONS FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS OR WATCH THE DR.PHIL SHOW.

GET OFF YOUR "STEPSTOOL" AND BE REALISTIC ABOUT
THIS AND IF YOU
DON'T.... I GUESS YOU WON'T HAVE FAR TO FALL!!!!!!!
 
September 28, 2008, 1:58 pm CDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: angel111999

DOES ANYONE AGREE THAT THIS WOMAN'S BEHAVIOR IS A FORM OF ABUSE?
If something had happened to the 9 year old and the mother had admitted that she was trying to teach him to be independent, then this situation might have been viewed differently (by the police,etc...) I wouldn't say it's a form of abuse. But, it's not quite the way I parented. When my kids were that age, and I knew a parent let thier kids have what I would consider "too much unsupervised freedom", I wouldn't have let my kids spend the night, or maybe even go to thier houses. I would have been leery of that. When my kids were elementary and middle school age, I had to know the parents fairly well. By the time they got to high school they were old enough, IMO, to make better judgements than when they were younger. I was fortunate and they DID make good choices. It's not that I chose thier friends when they were younger, I was just picky about where they spent time away from home. I don't think as a mother you ever stop worrying about them as long as they or you, have a pulse. But there just comes a time when you have to begin to let go and eventually let completely go. My kids are now almost 22 and almost 27. And I still worry, but I have completely let go. They make thier own decisions and I give them advice when they ask for it.
 
September 28, 2008, 2:00 pm CDT

I AM GLAD YOU FEEL THE WAY THAT YOU DO

Quote From: pokie5

are they cazy!   dropping a 9 yr. old and dropping him opff alone in any towm!  i belive in teaching a child at a young age, but, give me a break!  do it little by little. like maybe drop him a block off around your block, and as age and time goes on do more. there is so many perverts out there, it's not even funny, and they look like you and me! i have taught my 10 yr. old about street  smarts, but i'm, not going to drop him in town and tell him to find is way home. any thing could happen i don't smother him, but i know where he is at , at all time. as time and age goes by, then i will allow more freedom, but come on lady----your asking for trouble!

      i have a freind that smothers her daughter, and i think that she is cazy for doing it. i belive that she is just asking for problems, as she gets older,  well for me--- as a mom, give kids independents, but, be wise about it. according what you know there ready for.

I FEEL LIKE YOU DO ABOUT THIS WOMAN DROPPING HER SON OFF IN NEW YORK
CITY....CRAZY!! I WAS TOLD BY SOMEONE ELSE ON THIS MESSAGEBOARD THAT
I DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL THE WAY THAT I DO.
I SAID I FELT LIKE IT WAS A FORM OF
"CHILD ABUSE" AND THE MOTHER IN THIS CASE SHOULD BE
SENT FOR
COUNSELING TO
LEARN HOW TO BE A "RESPONSIBLE" PARENT.
I RESPONDED TO HER BY SAYING THAT NO MOTHER WOULD SEND THEIR CHILD IN THE WILD TO HAVE
WOLVES PREY ON THEM... SO WHY WOULD A MOTHER SEND HER SON INTO NEW YORK CITY TO HAVE PREDATORS
PREY ON HIM?????
THIS IS A DANGEROUS WORLD WE LIVE IN
AND WE NEED TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN "INDEPENDENCE" THE RIGHT WAY.
BEING A PARENT MEANS YOU MUST "PROTECT" THEM
FROM HARM.
"CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE"...DOWN THE
LINE WHEN THE 9
YEAR OLD BECOMES
A FATHER HE MIGHT THINK WHAT HIS MOTHER DID TO HIM WAS THE RIGHT
THING TO DO SO HE WILL DO THE SAME
TO HIS KIDS....
WHICH WE KNOW IS THE WRONG THING
TO DO.
MAY OTHER MOTHERS HAVE THE SENSE TO GO TO A FAMILY MEMBER OR A FRIEND FOR ADVICE, OR READ A BOOK ABOUT CHILD CARE, OR JUST WATCH THE DR. PHIL SHOW
TO LEARN HOW TO TEACH THEIR CHILD HOW TO BE "INDEPENDENT".

 
September 28, 2008, 3:10 pm CDT

Ever heard of a happy medium

Okay, leaving your 9 yr old alone in NY? are you kidding me?!? There are 13 yr olds who have been kidnapped! I sometimes wonder if I am walking the edge- I let my 7&5 yr olds walk to and  from school together (1/2 mile).

 

However, I also have a mother who is a total helicopter, I love her and she is truly great, but definitely a helicopter!  My little sister has always been a good kid, advanced placement classes in high school, plays in several school sports, dance team and rodeo, was actively involved in our church's activities and community service activities.. My mother has always hoovered- "Well, when are you going to get your homework done... If you don't leave now you are going to be late, shouldn't you get some riding in..." It NEVER stopped- my mom never let my sister be the one who was ultimately responsible for practically ANYTHING, she would just lecture and scold, she would even wake my sister up two or three times in the morning- ridiculous!!! 

When it came time for my sister to go to college- my mom threw such a fit that she successfully kept my sister from going to any but the very closest community college- but still she would call constantly, show up with groceries scolding my sister about how she needed to get her oil changed, asking why she had friends over so late, she needed to make arrangements for health care, asking weather or not my sister had been to church.

Finally my sister came to my mom and told her that she was moving across the country (literally) in two weeks to live her a boyfriend (who treats her badly and is controlling). It knocked the wind out of all of us.

 

Everyone craves control in their own lives, when their needs for control over their own lives are not met- they go to extremes!

 
September 28, 2008, 3:21 pm CDT

boy people are mad

Okay people, let us not forget that we may not have the whole story- perhaps the mother had someone watching 9 yr old- without him knowing.. still extreme is defiantly a good definition.
 
September 28, 2008, 3:40 pm CDT

PASSING ON THE WORD "ABUSE" FROM A FRIEND

Quote From: housewife52

If something had happened to the 9 year old and the mother had admitted that she was trying to teach him to be independent, then this situation might have been viewed differently (by the police,etc...) I wouldn't say it's a form of abuse. But, it's not quite the way I parented. When my kids were that age, and I knew a parent let thier kids have what I would consider "too much unsupervised freedom", I wouldn't have let my kids spend the night, or maybe even go to thier houses. I would have been leery of that. When my kids were elementary and middle school age, I had to know the parents fairly well. By the time they got to high school they were old enough, IMO, to make better judgements than when they were younger. I was fortunate and they DID make good choices. It's not that I chose thier friends when they were younger, I was just picky about where they spent time away from home. I don't think as a mother you ever stop worrying about them as long as they or you, have a pulse. But there just comes a time when you have to begin to let go and eventually let completely go. My kids are now almost 22 and almost 27. And I still worry, but I have completely let go. They make thier own decisions and I give them advice when they ask for it.
I KNOW THE WORD "ABUSE" WAS A STRONG WORD IN
THIS SITUATION. A FRIEND GAVE ME
THE WORD TO USE
IN MY MESSAGE.
HER HUSBAND THAT SHE IS NOW DIVORCED FROM NOW, DID SOMETHING SIMILAR TO HER SON.
HE LET HIS 7 YEAR
SON GO SHOPPING ALONE FOR TWO HOURS IN A SHOPPING CENTER GIVING HIM MONEY........
FOR HIM TO LEARN HOW TO SPEND
MONEY ON ITEMS
THAT HE NEEDED... AND LEARN HOW TO TAKE A BUS HOME. WELL UNFORTUNATELY HE WAS JUMPED AND HURT BADLY ALONG WITH HAVING HIS MONEY STOLEN.

IT WAS ONLY THE FATHERS GOAL TO TEACH HIM HOW TO BECOME "INDEPENDENT"
BUT AS I STATED WHAT HE
DID BACKFIRED ON
HIM AND HURT THE ENTIRE FAMILY...SAD BUT TRUE.

YOU ARE A MOTHER THAT HAS BROUGHT YOUR CHILDREN UP PROPERLY WITHOUT
A DOUBT. I THANK
YOU FOR YOUR MESSAGE.

I AM FORTUNATE MY CHILDREN HAVE GROWN TO BE "RESPONSIBLE"
ADULTS AND THEY LEARNED HOW TO BE "INDEPENDENT" WITH HELP FROM US.

WE HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED "CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE"!!!!!

THE POINT IS, THEIR
IS A PROPER WAY
OF HANDLING HOW CHILDREN SHOULD
BE TAUGHT TO BE INDEPENDENT.
 
September 28, 2008, 5:16 pm CDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: littlemissyjen

wow I am simply AMAZED !  You do deserve a medal.  To be able to teach them to do that much so young.  Mine is almost 8 and getting him to clean his room is a pain.  He does do it...but it's messy  still. Although it's not near as bad as it used to be.  He does earn an allowance for cleaning his room, helping with dishes, and laundry.  I think it gives him incentive.  If he does his chores, he gets 3 dollars a week.  If not..he gets nothing.
My sister has 3 kids 13, 10 and 4 1/2.  She gives an allowance to the older two for doing dishes, mowing, thtat sort of thing BUT there are stipulations.  If they do their chores THEY GET PAID if they waist time or don't do it at all, THEY PAY HER!  Some may disagree with this technique but it gets the job done because they don't want to give up their allowance and they know if they don't do what  they're told that is what will happen. 
 
September 28, 2008, 6:12 pm CDT

Helicopter mothers

Quote From: nancymackey

Okay, leaving your 9 yr old alone in NY? are you kidding me?!? There are 13 yr olds who have been kidnapped! I sometimes wonder if I am walking the edge- I let my 7&5 yr olds walk to and  from school together (1/2 mile).

 

However, I also have a mother who is a total helicopter, I love her and she is truly great, but definitely a helicopter!  My little sister has always been a good kid, advanced placement classes in high school, plays in several school sports, dance team and rodeo, was actively involved in our church's activities and community service activities.. My mother has always hoovered- "Well, when are you going to get your homework done... If you don't leave now you are going to be late, shouldn't you get some riding in..." It NEVER stopped- my mom never let my sister be the one who was ultimately responsible for practically ANYTHING, she would just lecture and scold, she would even wake my sister up two or three times in the morning- ridiculous!!! 

When it came time for my sister to go to college- my mom threw such a fit that she successfully kept my sister from going to any but the very closest community college- but still she would call constantly, show up with groceries scolding my sister about how she needed to get her oil changed, asking why she had friends over so late, she needed to make arrangements for health care, asking weather or not my sister had been to church.

Finally my sister came to my mom and told her that she was moving across the country (literally) in two weeks to live her a boyfriend (who treats her badly and is controlling). It knocked the wind out of all of us.

 

Everyone craves control in their own lives, when their needs for control over their own lives are not met- they go to extremes!

WOW! And I thought I had it bad!!!  I hope I don't step on anyone's toes by saying this but it seems those who are controlled by their parents always end up with a controlling spouse, I guess because that's all they've ever known. You are exactly right and from my own personal experience, those who are in desperate need of taking control of their own life do go to nearly every extreme. 

 

I was just thinking, maybe it has something to do with being the baby of the family.  My mom didn't hover and/or do everything for my two older sisters but she does that to me.  i think maybe they're afraid if an empty nest.  Even though my mom tells me all the time she wants me to get married and start a family, the only problem is she and my dad want to choose who I date but  it doesn't work that way.  And why?  They didn't do that to my sisters!  I joke often about arranged marriages!

 
September 28, 2008, 6:25 pm CDT

the kids' perspective

i understand that i don't have the experience or perspective of a parent, but as a college student, i've seen the whole range of effects that come from parenting extremes.  there are ways of showing your kids that you care and you want to be present in their lives without smothering them.  true, those kind of tactics can win their voluntary trust and affection, but at what cost when they set out to be independent?  i wouldn't even call my parents 'helicopter parents', and yet when i left for a school two hours away, i was already freaking out about everything from managing my finances to finding/paying for housing when i stayed for a summer job.  i don't feel abused in any way, but i was not prepared for everything i would have to take on during and beyond college.  i'm now having to learn all those skills on my own, while also battling anxiety/panic and adult adhd.  i have probably taken many risks, out of ignorance.  luckily, i haven't come off badly for it, though the idea still scares me.

 

i don't remember who said it, but if you have taught your kids well when they were younger, they have every right to earn your trust when they're older.  other countries have community guidelines for such cases already in place--signs are posted all over the london underground that only children under the age of twelve must be accompanied by an adult.  LITTLE steps can be taken as kids grow up that teach them independence without letting them run wild or forcing them to fend for themselves.  just don't assume that because your kids happen to go along with more short-leashed tactics, that means everything's going to be perfect with them.  if the little scrapes aren't allowed at some point, it will require deeper hurts to learn the same lessons.

 
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