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Topic : 11/27 Extreme Moms

Number of Replies: 264
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Created on : Friday, September 26, 2008, 01:14:58 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 09/29/08) Parents: Is it better for your children if you're a helicopter mom who hovers over them, or a hands-off mom who allows them to learn independence? This hot-button topic has sparked debates across the country. Lenore is a mom who says kids need more freedom so they can learn to survive in the world. To prove that children are more adept than most parents think, she left her 9-year-old son, Izzy, in a New York City department store with $20, a subway card and a map. Was he able to find his way home safely? Some moms, like Maria, say Lenore's actions were extreme. Maria, a mother of three, says she's constantly hovering over her children, especially her 17-year-old daughter, Madeline. Is Maria doing more harm than good? You won't believe what Madeline has to say! Next, hear from Sarah who admits her 12-year-old and 8-year-old sons are almost never more than a few steps away from her, and comedienne Daphne Brogdon who says helicopter moms need to "let go and lighten up." Then, Dr. Jim Sears, co-host of the new show, The Doctors, weighs in with the biggest health risks of being a hovering mom. And, follow up with Ashlee and her mom, Teresa, who first appeared (link to: /shows/show/595/ on the show to discuss Teresa's overprotectiveness. Five years later, Teresa says Ashlee is a rebellious and rotten teen. Ashlee, now 17, wants to go to college and live in a dorm room, but her mom won't let her. Does Teresa have valid concerns for keeping Ashlee on a short leash? If you're a parent, or about to become one, you don't want to miss this show! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.


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September 28, 2008, 7:27 pm CDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: angiegriffo

well this is the point, YOU , dont know the child or the mom yet you are outraged at her actions, I would guess the situation would depend on the two people in guestion and the time in training for this journey, In some parts of the world children do not have parents by this age and are left to fend for themselves. At some point you may need to get off your pedistool and look at the reality!! This parent feels her son needs to learn how to do certain things to survive and honestly You do not get to judge her reasoning, if you wanna help go after the pedifiles not the MOMS.

Thanks for reminding us how limited in mind some people are in this country!

You are right about orphaned children being left to fend for themselves.  However, most of the time that happens in third world countries where they may not have any form of CPS and they basically walk everywhere they go, they don't have chaotic places like NYC.  Before you slam me for my comments , my point is, other countries don't have the same chaotic environment like most places in America. Talk about needing to get off your pedistol and look at reality!  I'm not saying more prosperous countries, such the USA doesn't have orphans but I am saying those left orphaned in America aren't just left to "fend for themselves" because if they under a certain age the state steps in immediately and  places them in foster care.  And that happens for children who's parents are still living but can't manage to be a "RESPONSIBLE PARENT."  Oh dear there's that word again!  Don't you wait it when that happens? Anyway, just thought I'd freely voice my opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

 
September 28, 2008, 7:48 pm CDT

protective vs. controlling

Quote From: thennicke

I was accused of being an overprotective mother, mostly by my family members and x-husband.  One of the main reasons I was overprotective is because I was sexually abused at the age of 6 by a neighbor that lived four doors down from my parents.  I never wanted my son to go through anything that I went through because it really does haunt you for a lifetime.  The trick was for me to put my own fears aside and find a balance so that I didn't smother my child.  (I let up considerably when he turned 9 years old).  I found that it was better to have trust than to worry sick.  My son is now in college, (a few hours away from home).  And though he grew up playing soccer and I could never get him on a schedule of chores, he is independent and has aquired a soccer scholarship, keeps his grades up, does his own laundry, and is also giving back to the community.  We all thought it would be best for him to go away to college in order to gain independence and it's working beautifully.  (even though it broke my heart to let him go).  We're very close....he's one of my best friends :)  I agree that you have to let your children experience life and make their own mistakes and suffer the consequences....this is a must!  But on the other hand, your job as a parent is to protect them.  Another thing to keep in mind is that children mature at different levels.  Some children are capable of more and your child will let you know when you need to let the rope out.  I totally disagree with leaving a 9 year old in the mall unattended; that's just crazy!  That mother would never forgive herself if something happened to that child.
Having read your story, I don't view you as an over-protective mother necessarily.  I believe there's a difference in protecting your kids from harm you may be convinced they're facing and just wanting to keep the control in your hands.  You had good reason to be as protective as you were, but I'm glad you didn't force your son to pay the consequences of never becoming independent and finding his own life.  It is hard for parents, no doubt, but it's what you as a parent have to do.  And you can rest assured he will give you a wonderful daughter in-law one of these days and beautiful grandchildren.
 
September 29, 2008, 1:55 am CDT

How it's done overseas

I am the spouse of an American military soldier, and we currently live in Germany.  For the mom who sent her 9-year old out on the subway by himself, I just wanted to say that that is standard practice in Germany.  Only a handful of parents actually walk with their children to school, and those are only the parents of the youngest kids.  German children from 2nd grade on up will walk themselves to school every morning, even in the winter when that walk is made in the dark (their backpacks and clothing ALL have reflective material on them).  By 5th Grade children transition to schools that go up to 12th or 13th grade, and almost all of those children take public transportation (including buses, streetcars and subways or trains) on their own to get there.  The children are taught at a very young age how to properly cross the street, by always using a crosswalk with a stop light.  They also learn how to ride their bikes safely, and by 5th grade must take an ability test.  Following a successful test (and many do fail) the children will receive a license that they must carry with them when riding their bikes.

I grew up in the 1960's and 1970's, and as I watch these independent German children go on with their lives, it reminds me of my life at their age.  I always had to walk to my bus stop, until Middle and High School when I had to ride my bike, even in winter (in Northern California).  My bike ride to school took about 40-minutes or more, but it was the only option.  On weekends I would have to walk or ride my bike to visit my friends, all of whom lived a few miles away. 

I do believe that children today are coddled too much, and I understand that there is always the threat of a sexual predator abducting a child, but believe it or not that was also a threat when I was a child.  The main difference is that we didn't have cable news that kept parents informed about all of the child abductions around the country, so we felt safe, and parents allowed their children to be more independent.  The risk of a sexual predator will always be out there, but as parents we just have to weigh the odds and hope that with proper training our children make the right choices on their own.
 
September 29, 2008, 2:50 am CDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: angel111999

I KNOW THE WORD "ABUSE" WAS A STRONG WORD IN
THIS SITUATION. A FRIEND GAVE ME
THE WORD TO USE
IN MY MESSAGE.
HER HUSBAND THAT SHE IS NOW DIVORCED FROM NOW, DID SOMETHING SIMILAR TO HER SON.
HE LET HIS 7 YEAR
SON GO SHOPPING ALONE FOR TWO HOURS IN A SHOPPING CENTER GIVING HIM MONEY........
FOR HIM TO LEARN HOW TO SPEND
MONEY ON ITEMS
THAT HE NEEDED... AND LEARN HOW TO TAKE A BUS HOME. WELL UNFORTUNATELY HE WAS JUMPED AND HURT BADLY ALONG WITH HAVING HIS MONEY STOLEN.

IT WAS ONLY THE FATHERS GOAL TO TEACH HIM HOW TO BECOME "INDEPENDENT"
BUT AS I STATED WHAT HE
DID BACKFIRED ON
HIM AND HURT THE ENTIRE FAMILY...SAD BUT TRUE.

YOU ARE A MOTHER THAT HAS BROUGHT YOUR CHILDREN UP PROPERLY WITHOUT
A DOUBT. I THANK
YOU FOR YOUR MESSAGE.

I AM FORTUNATE MY CHILDREN HAVE GROWN TO BE "RESPONSIBLE"
ADULTS AND THEY LEARNED HOW TO BE "INDEPENDENT" WITH HELP FROM US.

WE HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED "CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE"!!!!!

THE POINT IS, THEIR
IS A PROPER WAY
OF HANDLING HOW CHILDREN SHOULD
BE TAUGHT TO BE INDEPENDENT.
I agree, there is a proper way to teach children to become independent. And personally, I think that 7 years old is a little young to leave a kid in a store by himself for 2 hours. I didn't mean to sound like I was a perfect parent because I wasn't. And I did a lot of worrying about things that MIGHT happen. But, I kept them to myself. For example, when one of my kids was going on a trip on a bus, I would eyeball the driver and if it was an older man, I would wonder if he might have a heart attack while driving the bus. Meanwhile, I'd be telling my kid to have a good time with a big smile on my face. When my son wrestled and played football, it was agonizing because I was afraid he might get hurt. All the time sitting there with a big smile on my face cheering him on. Driving? I worried myself sick about them both. And I still worry about them both(still with a big smile on my face) I have learned to a great extent, to push the thoughts of what "might" happen out of my mind and concentrate on something else, and pray, pray, pray. I think the worse thing in the world would be if our kids were to go before us. But, I really have absolutely no control over things like that.
 
September 29, 2008, 6:27 am CDT

Best thing my father did for me

I don't usually post but I just had to share my story.  The best thing my father ever did for me is to MAKE me do things on my own.  For example:  I bought my first car when I was 16.  The next day, it would start.  I whined to him that I couldn't get the car to start.  He said, "ok, we'll take care of it. "  We hoped in the car and drove to the library.  What?  The Library?  Yes!  He walked in, checked out the service manual for the car, plopped it into my hands and said, "if you have any questions, I'm here, but you should be able to find all the answers there." 

 

I learned through trial and error that it was the carborator.  He drove me to the pick-a-part and paid for the part after me, and only me, was allowed to take it out of another old car.  After we got home, I put it into my car, and viola!  The car started.  He taught me how to change my own oil, change my own flat tire, change my brakes, and rotate my tires.  His tough love forced me to learn enough about cars that when I did need to take a car in for service - no mechanic could put a fast one on me. 

 

This tough love attitude applied to a lot of things.  and for that, I turned into a independent woman who needs no man to change a flat. 

 
September 29, 2008, 7:15 am CDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: cathym1

I don't usually post but I just had to share my story.  The best thing my father ever did for me is to MAKE me do things on my own.  For example:  I bought my first car when I was 16.  The next day, it would start.  I whined to him that I couldn't get the car to start.  He said, "ok, we'll take care of it. "  We hoped in the car and drove to the library.  What?  The Library?  Yes!  He walked in, checked out the service manual for the car, plopped it into my hands and said, "if you have any questions, I'm here, but you should be able to find all the answers there." 

 

I learned through trial and error that it was the carborator.  He drove me to the pick-a-part and paid for the part after me, and only me, was allowed to take it out of another old car.  After we got home, I put it into my car, and viola!  The car started.  He taught me how to change my own oil, change my own flat tire, change my brakes, and rotate my tires.  His tough love forced me to learn enough about cars that when I did need to take a car in for service - no mechanic could put a fast one on me. 

 

This tough love attitude applied to a lot of things.  and for that, I turned into a independent woman who needs no man to change a flat. 

That is so sweet--I find it hard to call that tough love...he taught you many wonderful lessons and how to be independent while he was still there for you. He never detached himself, he was not callus--he was in the background if you really needed him. He believed in you.

Awww, I feel so mushy after reading your story.
 
September 29, 2008, 7:15 am CDT

EXTREMES

While I agree it is not a good idea to HOVER over your children, you still have to make sure they are safe.  And most of the time, Dr. Phil, you tell parents that they are not taking enough respononsibility with their children.  In this day and age, you HAVE to be more watchful and just "teaching them" is not enough. Actually Oprah did several shows in a park with parents and their children (children who have been taught "stranger danger") and in EVERY case, the children left the park with the shows "perv".  So what if that had been a real pedifile?

 

Kids need to be allowed to learn but not at the expense of their life.  There are so many things that can happen nowadays (see Human Trafficking shows) that children need to be watched. You need to keep track of your children.  You have to let go, like when they go to college but even the most "independent" children die, ie. from alcohol poisoning (do you think that is becuase the parents didn't let the kids drink at home so they could learn their limits).  You have stated that "children do not have the brain capacity to understand the consequence of their actions".  Sometimes these actions can kill them.  And I would rather err on the side of caution.  I think these children should be glad that their parents care enough that they worry about their welfare.  Unfortunately, kids have no idea of the evil (and yes there is evil in the world - come on, face it) that they could come up against.  They are too naive to face it without parents by their side. 

 
September 29, 2008, 7:19 am CDT

Teach them.....don't hover over them.

Hovering over your children doesn't teach them anything. I think that's another form of spoiling the children. One way of spoiling them is giving them whatever they want without responsibilities. Another way of spoiling them is to make all their desicions for them without any responsibilities. I believe we should teach our children right from wrong. Teaching them the right way is to train them up and let them make their own decisions giving advice along the way. It's better for them to make mistakes at age 10 - 15 than it is to make mistakes at 25-30. Your mistakes cost more then. So make all the mistakes you want when you're young, learn from it and become a better person.

 

Hovering moms damage their children more than anything else. For one, when their children is old enough to go on their own they won't know how to live life and make important decisions because "my mom always made the decisions." Another bad thing is that whenever a hovering mom makes all the right decisions for their children and their children rebels just because mom is a hovering mom, then their only going to learn all the wrong things in life. Everything you think is right for them, they will do the opposite just becausethey want to rebel against their mom. So hovering over them either teaches them nothing or teaches them wrong.

 

Hovering over your children doesn't only hurt your children. They hurt people they are around. They hurt their society. I know moms that hover over their children too much and then they become part of the "teen pregnancy" qoutas. They become thieves, manipulators, and liars. Some of them turn to drugs and alcohol at an early age. They become lazy and unmotivated. Moms who don't care about their children have the same outcome.

 

Let them make their own decisions, BUT also let them know that you love them and that you are there for them. Let them come to you for help. That will build more trust between the parent and child, BUT don't tell them "I told you so, but you didn't want to listen" because that only pushes them away from you. Encourage your children, motivate them to make decisions and do things on their own. Back them up and be there for them. Support their decisions. Let them prove themselves wrong if they make a wrong decision. Let them see by your example in life how to make the right decisions. It's your responsibility to pave the way for your children's future. It's not your responsibility to carry them on your back the whole way through life. They need to learn how to walk someday. Imagine your children still crawling at age 17 because you always carried them. Or your children still in diapers at age 15 because you chose to wipe up after them and didn't TEACH them how to use the bathroom. It sounds stupid but that's what it looks like when you don't let your children make their own destiny. People will actually tease your children calling them momma's boy because he doesn't know how to do anything for himself. And no one wants to marry a momma's boy.

 
September 29, 2008, 7:35 am CDT

Happy medium

I think both moms are nuts!!  Why can't either of them see they are flirting with disaster? 

Psycho mom is just asking for a rebellion, I'm surprised her daughter hasn't yet.  Sooner or later

she will tire of being smothered and 'lose' her mother for some freedom without eyes and ears.

She will turn off her phone and do whatever she wants.  The mom deserves it.  You have to show

her you trust her to make her own decisions.  Let her breathe!!

To the crazy subway mom.....One question.....First, please don't answer with any statistics or "But it didn't"......I want to know what you would have done if something had happened to your son that day??  Kidnapped, raped, molested, murdered?  What would you have done?  We already know it didn't, but what if it had?

 
September 29, 2008, 7:38 am CDT

Raising Kids

Balance is the key to raising productive adults.

 

 

 

 
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