Topic : 11/27 Extreme Moms

Dr. Phil,

How do you get a 16 year old boy to go out and do things on his own? He has always wanted to be around me. My son never goes outside or to friends house to play. Has never gone out on a Friday night with friends. I am not that protective that I don't let my kids go out. My daughter that is 14 rides her bike all the way across town to go swimming. Just went to her volleyball game that was over 200 miles away on a school bus. So I don't consider myself to be over protective. Just not understanding why a 16 year old boy will not go out and do things. Does the fact that he has ADHD and bipolar have anything to do with this?..

Karen

 Dear Dr. Phil,

       I watched your show today (9/29/08) and I was perplexed by the women overly protective of their children. My confusion came from the desire to know where the male role models in their lives are. It seems to me that a strong male presence would make a noticable difference in the decisions that the mothers make. Perhaps I'm old fashioned but I can't help but think a positive male role model would make at least some kind of impact in the mothers decisions. As you told the mothers, ( my favorite quote of yours) " how's that working for you" certainly hits the mark.

                                                                                Thank You

                                                                              Mark A. Powers

 Hi , my name is Kaitlynne and I'm a 15 yr old homeschoolschooled student. I think that the rule for every action theres an equal and opposite reaction can really be applied to this. For the one mom, she was concerned about her daughter not getting up early enough for college. The thing is, let her sleep in and find out how that works; don't nag, cause there is nothing a kid hates more then nagging and it acomplishes nothing. If a rule is broken, take away privileges then let them earn them back.

   In my family my brother and I chose to be homeschooled,so our family has a system of rules and boundaries that they expect us to follow but also trust us to follow. By following those rules we earn privileges and breaking those rules get them taken away.

Mom here:  EVERYBODY,even pedophiles and traffickers, has weaknesses. I taught my kids them. A life lived in fear is no life. 

A young boy I know is allowed to go home from school by himself (has to call his parents when he gets home), then is left to be on his own for 2 hours until his parents get home from work.   Is 11 years old too young for this freedom?

I had a hovering mother. I should say I HAVE a hovering mother. I'm 34 and she is still controlling. I felt watched, invaded and violated for my entire childhood, and then my adulthood. I made good decisions as I grew up, once I was allowed to make my own decisions (including ones I had to make when Mom wasn't there to insiist on doind it for me), but mainly because I was scared to death of the consequences from home. I guess that's a good thing, but I ended up marrying at 19 and divorcing at 29 with two kids. It took a long time to learn to speak up for myself. If I had that ability earlier, I wouldn't have gotten married. Not because it was so bad, per se, but because I wasn't ready. I just wanted out of my parents' house that bad. I felt like I had to, though, just to get out of the house. Because of that, I try not to hover over my kids so much. I don't want my kids to quite possibly marry the first fool that comes along just to get away from me.

Yes, there are dangers out there and kids need protecting from those dangers, but that's what education and information is for. Teach them how to avoid the situations, and then how to react if they ever find themselves in a situation in spite of trying to avoid it. Let them learn by example...from YOU. Show them the proper way to do things, the proper way to behave. You'll likely not be reporting to the principal's office or bailing them out of jail if you teach them. I have never understood the "do as I say, not as I do" parenting method.

Nothing much can be done about bullies, school friends and such typical and sometimes unavoidable childhood afflictions, except to teach kids how to handle it...the RIGHT WAY. Beating up other parents at games, cursing the neighbors or bad-mouthing our bosses at home are not good examples. Except in extreme cases, they should be allowed to figure out on their own how to handle "kid-level" problems. They will feel more empowered, self-sufficient and sure of themselves. Esteem is important in development.

I have issues with my own oldest daughter who is taking part in things I don't want her to, which aren't so bad now, but can, and may, lead to worse or riskier behavior. She shuts down when she's approached or questioned about certain things. She lies and sneaks around. And she's only 13! However, I've been out of her life for a couple of years, save for the telephone and a couple of short visits (I've been in the military...I made that choice for a reason) and her grandmother has been doing everything she can to figure it out. I'm at a loss and just hope that the things I know to do...the things I've learned about parenting (or rather how NOT to parent)...will work. I can't allow her perfect freedom to do what she wants, but I know that guarding her every move will only make all these things look more enticing. I know how it works. Anyone in that position knows how it works. I got away with plenty as a child even though I was monitored heavily because I figured out how to be slick. Kids are crafty. Give them too much freedom and they'll do what they want. Not all kids are mature enough to handle that kind of responsibility. Give them too little freedom and they'll find a way. I hope that I find a way to finally get through to her the cause and effect theory of circumstances, rewards and punishments.

There has to be a happy medium. (And as far as the post that states it's the child's "right" to live at home so they aren't paid for chores....That's fine. Don't pay them for chores. They SHOULD learn responsibility. But it's not their "right" to have a home with you, it's your RESPONSIBILITY to provide that for them!)